Couples Therapy
by CharS
Summary: COMPLETED! Mac's temporary appointment to the judiciary and Harm's prior severance from a case creates dissension between the two attorneys requiring an intervention.
1. Part 1: Burying the Hatchet

Couples Therapy   
  
Spoilers: Up to and including "Ready or Not".   
  
Rating: PG-13 for occasional language  
  
Classification: Angst, humor and romance (eventually)  
  
Summary: Mac's temporary appointment to the judiciary and Harm's prior severance from a case creates dissension between the two attorneys that requires an intervention.  
  
AN: The characters are property of DPB and Paramount. I'm just playing with them!  
  
Many thanks to CatMom for her wonderful shippershrink knowledge and to Pretz for excellent beta work! Any errors are mine!  
  
* * * *  
  
~~Burying the Hatchet~~  
  
1340 local (Saturday)  
Roberts' Housewarming Party  
  
  
"Is that a ruling or an opinion?"  
  
"Come on, Harm. Can we just bury the hatchet for one day?"  
  
"I'd love to, but I'd have to pull it out of my client's head where you left it."  
  
"We're not having this discussion."  
  
"Well, at least we agree on one thing," Harm said sarcastically, as he strode out of the room, wanting to be anywhere she wasn't at the moment.  
  
Mac felt like she'd been punched. Harm's comments knocked the air right out of her. Things between them had been great lately-then this. She had hoped that the housewarming party Bud and Harriet were having would be a stepping stone to another level in their relationship. But this stone became the ledge he pushed her off. He walked out of the room, smugly; seemingly happy he got the last word in. It was so unlike him, he was becoming someone she didn't know anymore.  
  
Setting her glass down on the dining room table, Mac left the room, seeking refuge in the kitchen. She began straightening things up-anything to keep her mind off what had just occurred between her and Harm.   
  
Harriet followed Mac into the kitchen, watching her friend throw her energy into the dishes.   
  
"Ma'am . . . . Mac . . . . Is there anything I can do? You seem a little, um, upset."  
  
Tossing the towel down on the counter, Mac turned to face Harriet, the remains of a few tears glistening on her cheek.   
  
"Upset?" she gasped, barely able to get the word from her mouth. "I did nothing to warrant Harm's callous comments. I was appointed judge-it's my job; he thinks this is personal." Mac was gesturing wildly, her face flushed with emotion. Harriet walked over and took her hand, leading Mac to the chairs at the kitchen table.  
  
"What's been going on between the two of you lately?" Harriet asked, not sure if she was ready to hear what Mac had to say. She didn't want her fears confirmed. Harriet, being quite perceptive, had noticed the iciness in her friends' relationship. Relationship-it was more like a lack there of. History was beginning to repeat itself. The tension between Harm and Mac was evident, just like it was when he returned from flying, and similarly after Mac returned from her TAD assignment to the Guadalcanal. Now, Mac's temporary appointment to the judiciary was wrecking havoc as well as Harm's inability to deal with it.   
  
"I'm not sure if I want to talk about this Harriet, not here at your house-warming party."   
  
"You might feel better once you get it all out in the open."  
  
Mac took a deep breath, wondering truly if talking about it was going to make her feel better. This friendship/relationship was tying her up in knots. They had been moving towards a change for the better-their closeness was becoming the root of everything yet to come. Lunch together, dinner-even if it was just discussing cases-became relaxing, enjoyable moments. Although they weren't calling it dating, sometimes it felt like it, deep in her heart; or maybe it was just wishful thinking on her part. But all that changed in one fell swoop as the Admiral gave her the assignment of presiding over a case that Harm was defending.   
  
Looking at the concern on Harriet's face, Mac decided that this wasn't the time or the place to discuss the precariousness of whatever was going on with her and Harm.  
  
"Harriet, I really can't do this now-not here. Please understand."  
  
"I do understand, Mac," Harriet said as she gently squeezed Mac's hand. "Just give it time; things will get back to normal."  
  
"Normal. That's hardly the word I'd use to describe this . . . .this . . .THING that's going on between Harm and me," Mac said, the irritation apparent in her voice.  
  
"Have you tried to talk to him?"  
  
"No!" she replied vehemently, "And, I'm not so sure that I want to anymore." Mac said, pausing to regain her composure. "I think it's time I went home, Harriet," she said, rising from the table.  
  
Harriet laid her hand gently on Mac's arm, "Please don't go. The party is just getting started."  
  
"Thanks for inviting me, but I just want to be alone right now."  
  
Harriet followed Mac as she left the kitchen to retrieve her purse and jacket from the foyer closet. Hugging her, Mac whispered, "I'm sorry" and quickly left, unseen by Harm.  
  
*****  
  
15 minutes earlier  
Roberts' Den  
  
Harm rarely swore-it was something he just didn't do. Just another one of those self-inflicted rules he abided by. Today he was making an exception. He entered the den muttering a few selected four-letter words like a mad-man. Bud and Sturgis ended their conversation abruptly and regarded their friend carefully. Harm's eyes were glowing like hot coals. Bud excused himself and immediately left the den, knowing that Sturgis was the only man capable of defusing this bomb.  
  
"You look like hell, Harm. What's up?" Sturgis queried.  
  
"Nothing that a transfer won't cure," he mumbled distractedly. Realizing what he had just said, Harm looked up to see a confused Sturgis. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."  
  
"It must be something to get you this irritated."  
  
Harm sighed, drank the remaining beer from his glass, and set it down on the end table with a thud.  
  
"You want to know what it is. I'll tell you. Mac is letting this judgeship go to her head. It's a power trip for her," Harm said bitterly.  
  
"You don't honestly believe that, do you?"  
  
"Don't you?" Harm was pacing the room in an attempt to cool down.  
  
"No. This is new for her as well as the rest of the JAG team. We're all adjusting to the temporary change."  
  
"Yeah, well you're the prosecution. She's on your side."   
  
"Harm, she's the judge; she's on no one's side."  
  
"Yeah, right. Tell her that."   
  
"Mac is not the power-trip type. You should know that better than anyone."  
  
"I thought I did . . . . . but not anymore." Harm paused, gathering his thoughts, not entirely sure he wanted to continue this conversation.  
  
"If you want to talk about it . . . ." Sturgis offered, tentatively.   
  
Harm laughed, "Talk? Yeah, that's something I want to do right now. Actually, I would like to forget that it ever happened. Know what? I can't," he said, throwing his hands in the air dramatically.  
  
"Harm, you and Mac have been friends for a long time. What makes this different than all the other times the both of you have disagreed?"  
  
"We can't seem to get past this one."  
  
"You mean you can't get past it. I don't even think you know why you're angry. Actually, frustrated would be a more accurate description of you at the moment."  
  
Harm stood there, wondering where Sturgis was taking this conversation he didn't want to have. Deciding he'd had enough, he grabbed his empty glass and headed from the den, saying, "I'm finished discussing this with you."   
  
Sturgis opened his mouth to add something, but Harm cut him off, "What goes on between Mac and me is no one's business, including yours," he continued, as he walked through the foyer and into the kitchen, placing his glass on the counter. He then sought out Bud and Harriet to say his good-byes, finding them in the dining room with the Admiral and Meredith. He hardly noticed Mac wasn't there anymore.  
  
"I'm leaving now, Bud. Thanks for a wonderful party, Harriet," Harm said as he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.  
  
"Stay, at least for a little while," Harriet said knowing Harm, just like Mac, would leave despite her efforts to dissuade him otherwise.   
  
He didn't like to make up excuses, but it was better than rehashing everything that transpired with Mac all over again. Not sure of what to say, Harm opted for a quick good-bye, see-you-on-Monday kind of statement and swiftly left the house. He got into his SUV and slammed the door, sitting there for a brief moment, reliving the bitter words he spewed at Mac. He pounded the steering wheel, "Shit." Harm was too frustrated to think anymore. He turned the key in the ignition and sped off in the direction of his apartment, radio blaring to drown out his thoughts.  
  
Sturgis watched his friend leave, just shaking his head wondering where this was all going. He walked into the dining room where the rest of the guests were gathered.   
  
"Care to fill us in on the situation, Commander?" AJ calmly asked.  
  
"What do you mean, sir?" Sturgis said, feigning ignorance. All eyes were on him, hoping to get some explanation for the swift departure of Harm. Sturgis took a drink from the glass he held, looking thoughtfully toward the door and then back at the gathered friends, waiting with bated breath for his response. He sighed and said, "Nothing to tell. He just needed to leave." 


	2. Part 2: Tea and Sympathy

~~Tea and Sympathy~~  
  
Mac's Apartment  
1435 local time  
  
The entire drive home Mac felt guilty for leaving the party just because Harm was being an ass. However as much as she wanted to stay for Bud and Harriet's sake, she couldn't bear another run-in with him. She didn't want the chasm in her friendship with Harm and all the baggage it brought to ruin their friends' party. Bud and Harriet deserved some happiness after all that has happened this year.   
  
  
Happiness was fleeting in her life. As quickly as she found it, there was always something there to shoo it away. It seemed that it almost always involved Harm, in some respect. She should have known the smooth waters they encountered earlier in the year were just a precursor to an inevitable storm that fed on their insecurities; building in strength until it consumed them. They had always weathered these moments before. At least they eventually did. The difference this time was the umbrella of trust and faith they took refuge under was tattered and torn, offering very little in the way of a safe harbor.  
  
  
Entering her apartment, Mac felt lost. It was like a part of her was missing, but she couldn't place what it was. She took off her jacket and tossed it on the chair along with her purse, and set off toward the kitchen to make tea. Pulling the canister from its resting place in the cabinet, Mac selected a tea bag from inside. She topped off the kettle with water, placed it on the burner and quickly cranked the heat. She needed something to drive the chill from her desperately and real boiling water was the only way to make tea; microwaved water was, well, just microwaved water.   
  
  
While the kettle was simmering, Mac retrieved her files from her briefcase and laid them out on the dining room table; consuming herself in work might be just the distraction needed right now. Picking up the file on the War Games trial, she thumbed through the documents, looking for the notes she collected. She skimmed over them, remembering the obvious tension and the sarcasm from Harm.   
  
  
The comments she had written jarred her memory, but not in a good way. Mac remembered how Harm had just voiced his first objection of the trial with just enough of a hint of arrogance to make her bristle. If she didn't know before, she most certainly knew now she was in for a ride. She had listened intently as Sturgis argued his rationale. After carefully absorbing Sturgis' remarks, she clearly and calmly sided with reason and said "Overruled". An indignant Harm stood immediately and said, "You've got to be kidding". He belatedly added, "Your Honor" sarcastically, only after she gave him a distinct non-verbal "get-it-together-Rabb" look.  
  
  
Sturgis completed his examination of the witness with a "Nothing further, your Honor". Mac addressed Harm, asking if the defense wished to cross-examine the witness. Harm stood rigidly, his voice dripping with insolence, said "Not at this time, your Honor. I do reserve my right to question the witness at a later time." The whole trial was beginning to take the shape of a nightmare.   
  
  
The kettle was now hissing and whistling, calling for attention. It was enough to break Mac's trance and snap her back to the present. She set the file back on the table amongst the others and padded off to the kitchen to tend to more pressing matters.   
  
  
Mac quickly poured the boiling water over the chamomile tea bag to steep and returned to the files in the dining room. Deciding that she wasn't in the mood to work anymore, she gathered all the folders and placed them back in the briefcase before heading to the bookshelf for another means of diversion.   
  
*****  
  
Harm's apartment  
1455 local time  
  
  
Harm's drive home was likewise filled with the regret of deserting his friends' housewarming party. He tried hard to forget the little scene in the dining room but it kept replaying in his head like a broken record, and the radio was doing nothing to help him silence these thoughts so he turned it off.   
  
  
Maybe making an issue of it at Bud and Harriet's wasn't the way to handle things, he thought. "But, I had to get it off my chest," Harm said aloud, not realizing he was talking to himself. "She needs to know where I stand; since she's obviously not listening to what I'm saying in the courtroom-not that it had any impact today, either. Damn stubborn Jarhead. Wonder how she'll feel when it's my turn behind the bench; maybe it'll become crystal clear to her then."   
  
  
Pulling up in front of his apartment, he turned the car off and sat there for a moment wondering what to do with the rest of his day, now that his schedule was clear. Any other time he'd call Mac and they'd find something to do together. "No point in doing that," he thought, "she's probably plotting the demise of my case right now. Besides, I'd rather be alone anyway. No one to judge me, no one to tell me I'm handling things poorly. There is only one thing I can do that doesn't require human interaction-go running."   
  
  
He got out of his SUV and quickly entered the building. Once in his apartment, he checked the machine for messages, silently hoping that there might be one from Mac, for whatever reason. "No new messages." The electronic voice told him what he already knew.   
  
  
Changing his clothes, he grabbed his keys and left for the park to pour his frustrations into something physical. 


	3. Part 3: Close Encounters of the AJ Kind

~~Close Encounters of the AJ Kind~~  
  
Admiral's Office  
0755 local (three weeks later, Thursday)  
  
The trial was finished in little over two weeks, but the acrimony between the partners wore on like the cold, damp weather that held the city captive for most of autumn. AJ had hoped once the trial was over, Harm and Mac would get back to some semblance of a friendship, like it used to be. "Not this time", AJ sighed quietly.  
  
Thankfully for the JAG staff, Harm and Mac's next assignment did not involve either one sitting on the bench. AJ didn't have to put much thought into that one. What he believed would be an excellent opportunity for Mac to serve as judge, turned into an old-fashioned out-for-blood Redskins-Cowboys game, playoff spot on the line. He thought Harm would have behaved better under the circumstances. Who was he trying to kid, ever since he "severed" him as defense council for PO Moritz, Harm took everything personally.  
  
Now, AJ was second-guessing the recent assignment he had given them. It was a simple case involving a Petty Officer charged with an Article 87. PO Douglas was scheduled to depart on the Iwo Jima, but having spent the previous night trying to "convince" his girlfriend to marry him, he overslept, missing the ship's movement. It was a simple enough assignment. Harm was trial counsel, Mac defense. They could have settled. In fact, Mac said her client was open to any and all possibilities. Harm, on the other hand, had a point to prove and refused to discuss any settlement, bringing their disagreement into the court-room-Judge Sebring's court-room.  
  
AJ now sat in the solitude of his office with letter in hand from Sebring, outlining "conduct unbecoming" and "contempt" charges against both of them. He knew it would come to this, but how to handle it delicately was another story. The letter was preceded by a phone call from the judge yesterday, alerting him to the situation and the forthcoming formal letter. AJ had worked his magic and managed to persuade Sebring to allow him to handle the matter personally rather than make a public affair out of the whole issue. Sebring withdrew the charges, agreeing with AJ's recommendation that the two receive professional counseling on keeping their personal differences outside the court-room.   
  
Tossing the paper on the desk, AJ stood up and paced the office. He had warned them to keep things down to a dull roar, but yet again, their emotions took control and they were at each others throats in the court-room during pre-trial motions-PRE-TRIAL motions, nonetheless! AJ was exasperated and embarrassed. But, having had some time to mull the situation over, he was more calm and rational at this point. These were two of his finest officers, his best lawyers, yet they were "family" to him as well. So he chose to deal with them as family, rather than discipline them as officers.  
  
Tiner had announced Rabb and Mackenzie 10 minutes ago, however, AJ wanted a few extra minutes to gather his thoughts and put them in a rational state of mind-a state that took him 14 hours to get to. Damn them for bringing this into the office, he thought. He wished they'd get their act together and resolve this anywhere but here. Hell, I'd let them have the office if I knew that would help, he thought briefly before dismissing it entirely from his mind.  
  
AJ recalled his conversation with Meredith after the little incident at Bud and Harriet's. He had known there was unmistakable electricity between the two for some time now, although it took him a while to see it. Meredith, on the other hand, noticed it almost immediately. She said that all of the passion they're displaying was coming from a non-work related source and as soon as they realize that they'll work it out. He jokingly said they were candidates for couple's therapy. How was he to know that his perceptions were right on the mark?   
  
A while back, he and Meredith had had dinner with another couple. The woman was an old college friend of hers, who just so happened to be a psychologist experienced in counseling couples. AJ smirked remembering the evening. He knew Meredith had had ulterior motives for it, she usually did. For as much as there was a quirkiness about her, she was quite intelligent and perceptive. And her friend, Maddie, who he had his "concerns" about, turned out to be a delightful, intuitive woman. He was quite thankful when Maddie said she didn't like to discuss cases or analyze people outside the office.   
  
He took her business card, just in case. He never thought he'd have to call her so soon-for Harm and Mac, nonetheless! He gave her very little information when he spoke to her, saying he was doing this for two friends. It was an intervention, of sorts. He was relieved when she understood the delicacy of the situation and left it at that. Now, it was up to him to get Harm and Mac to understand the need to do this.  
  
Deciding he was composed, he asked Tiner to send them in. Mac entered the office first, followed by Harm, as Tiner swiftly closed the hatch. Tiner silently wished he could be a fly on the wall, but he knew that the less witnesses, the better. He gathered a handful of files from his desk and headed off in the safe direction of the copier.  
  
Their expressionless faces hid the real story quite well. They snapped to attention upon entering the room. AJ gave his usual "as you were" and motioned for them to sit. He moved to his place behind the desk and seated himself comfortably. This may take a while, he thought, putting on his reading glasses and retrieving the letter from its place on the spotless desk.  
  
Both officers were motionless as they watched AJ peruse the letter, most likely for his 20th time. Neither was sure where this would leave their careers, let alone their personal lives.  
  
AJ drew a breath and, rather than read the now-dropped charges, said calmly, "I gather you know why I've called you both here."  
  
Harm attempted to speak, but with a wave of the Admiral's hand was silenced without even another breath; his eyes fixed forward, not daring to meet AJ's gaze.  
  
In a calm, matter-of-fact voice, AJ continued, "First issue on the agenda, Lieutenant Commander Manetti and Commander Turner will be replacing you as trial counsel and defense counsel respectively. You will turn over your case files immediately upon conclusion of this meeting. Is that understood?"  
  
"Yes, sir," they responded in unison. That was the first they managed to accomplish together in nearly 3 weeks.  
  
"Secondly, Judge Sebring has dropped the charges of conduct unbecoming and contempt in exchange for a resolution that I will address shortly."  
  
Harm and Mac jointly sighed, both inwardly grateful for the eleventh-hour leniency offered by Judge Sebring.  
  
"Lastly", AJ continued, "Since both of you have almost 60 days leave on the books, effective immediately, I am placing you both on 30 days leave."  
  
"Sir, if I may . . . . ." Mac asked tentatively, "why are we placed on leave if the charges have been dropped?"  
  
"I'm getting to that, Colonel," AJ said, the tone of his voice rising slightly in annoyance. He removed his glasses and leaned back in his chair, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to quell an impending headache the aspirin he took earlier didn't chase away. Despite the throbbing in his temples, AJ struggled to keep his cool, "Please allow me to finish what I have to say before commenting; is that understood?" Why in the hell are they so thick-skulled, he asked himself, repressing the urge to rip them apart.   
  
"Yes, sir," was the response, again in unison.  
  
The Admiral rose from his seat and walked around the desk, choosing to sit on its corner casually. He resembled more of a father about to chastise his belligerent teenagers than that of an Admiral infuriated by his officers.  
  
"I am recommending, and Judge Sebring concurs, that you attend counseling to deal with your personal issues," AJ began, until Harm interrupted him with a muttered "Unbelievable" that the Admiral picked up instantly.  
  
"Do you have something to add, Commander?" the irritation in AJ's voice apparent as he stood up in front of Harm.  
  
"No, Sir," Harm replied. Damn, he can probably hear what goes on at the guard shack too, he thought as he avoided looking anywhere but straight ahead.  
  
"Good." AJ hated reproaching them, but it was a necessary evil. He continued, "The counseling is for both of you-together."  
  
Both had confused looks on their face, but neither spoke nor glanced at the other; if either of them had anything to say, it was certainly lost in the deafening silence of the office.  
  
"Look. Harm, Mac, you know I can't force you to do this."   
  
Harm was fidgeting a little, trying very hard not to comment. His biggest problem besides the lack of a filter between the brain and the mouth, was understanding the rules of engagement where his mouth was concerned. Harm began, yet again, to question the Admiral's motives, "But, Sir . . . surely there must be another alternative."  
  
"ALTERNATIVE? You want an alternative?" AJ bellowed. His face was red-hot angry, neck veins bulging. The thread that held his patience together had just snapped.  
  
"I'll give you an alternative. How about writing wills or reviewing junior enlisted lease problems for the rest of your career? Better yet, let's take a look at the conduct unbecoming and contempt charges!" AJ's voice was echoing off the walls of the office.  
  
Mac watched as Harm cringed, filing the incident under 'How to avoid getting the Admiral pissed off'. She sat there still and quiet during AJ's tirade, thanking God for the ability to know when and how to keep her mouth shut.  
  
Regrouping, AJ straightened his uniform and walked back around the desk. Maybe 30 days isn't enough for me, he thought, rubbing the back of his neck. He made a mental note to take tomorrow off. "Dammit, I think I've earned it after today," he mumbled out of Harm and Mac's earshot.  
  
AJ turned to face them, the color in his face returning to normal, although irritation was still apparent in his voice, "As I was saying, I believe you two might benefit from some professional help. There has been an unmistakable hostility between you two the past few weeks. If it were the War Games trial alone, I'd dismiss it. But it seems to be a culmination of many factors that I'd rather not pursue personally."  
  
"Sir?" Mac spoke tentatively, not wanting to push any more buttons. AJ nodded for her to continue. "So you are suggesting that we attend counseling?" quite sure she knew the answer to the question.  
  
"Yes, Mac, I am. I think it is the only way we can resolve these . . . issues. I am not just suggesting it, I am requiring it."  
  
Yet again, Harm started to speak. AJ, reading his mind, said in a loud, commanding voice that had become the tone for this meeting "And, either one of you transferring out is without a doubt NOT an option. Do I make myself clear?"  
  
"Yes, sir," was the immediate reply, neither obviously not wanting to agitate the Admiral further with any other stray comments.  
  
"Rather than have you both see a military psychologist, which I'm sure you'd also prefer to avoid, I am sending you to a psychologist in Alexandria. She is an acquaintance of Meredith's from college, who comes highly recommended. Before you say anything about this selection, I would like to advise you that I checked her references out on my own and feel that she is a more than suitable choice for this matter. Since your calendars are cleared, I took the liberty of scheduling an appointment for both of you this Saturday at 1400 hours." AJ handed them both a card with a name and address on it.  
  
Eyeing the card, Mac responded the only way she could, "Yes, sir". Harm, on the other hand said, "I can't believe . . . . ." before AJ silenced him with a look that could strip paint from the walls. Regaining his composure, Harm replied, "Yes, sir," as well, knowing that any more discussion on the subject would be dropped. He pocketed the card with a sigh.  
  
AJ sat down, saying firmly, "Since I have nothing more, you are both dismissed."  
  
The officers stood immediately and said, "Aye, Aye". Turning on their heels, they exited the office, Mac first. By now, Tiner was back at his desk. He breathed a sigh of relief seeing them leave. At least there wasn't any blood shed, he thought.  
  
"Tiner!" AJ shouted, "Where's the damn aspirin?" The young PO nearly jumped clear out of his skin.  
  
Mac paused in the hallway, wanting to say something to Harm about their situation. She knew they had no choice, but wanted to tell him she was relieved that they were actually doing something to resolve matters.  
  
"Mac, don't start," was all he said, walking by her in huff, eager to grab his belongings and leave. Anywhere is better than here, he thought.  
  
Mac was hurt. She truly hoped that the Admiral knew what he was doing, otherwise there would be a transfer in their future-hers. She returned to her office to lock the drawers of her desk and get her briefcase and cover. Once done, she pulled the door closed behind her softly.   
  
The entire JAG ops was quiet, having heard only the bits and pieces of the Admiral's diatribes that shook the windows. Everyone's eyes were on their work. They saw Harm leave abruptly, now it was Mac's turn. Watching her leave, Harriet longed to ask what transpired in the Admiral's office but thought it was best to let it alone. 


	4. Part 4: Analyze What!

~~Analyze What!?~~  
  
Saturday   
1355 local  
Old Town Alexandria, VA  
  
Judging by the address, Mac realized the office was located in Old Town Alexandria. Driving down King Street, it didn't take her long to find a parking place directly across from the building, since Saturdays were usually not as busy here. Mac quickly deposited her change in the meter and walked across the cobblestone road to the brownstone building, collecting her thoughts before she entered. Searching the wall plaque, she located the name of the psychologist and proceeded to the second floor via the stairs. She walked down the hall and found the office easily. The name on the door read Madeline James, PhD, Clinical Psychologist.   
  
Mac took a deep breath; it was now or never. Her heart raced as she opened the door slowly, scared to death of what this meeting would bring. She had never experienced "this" before, and in all actuality, had hoped she never would. It amazed her how one simple assignment resulted in turmoil that turned their lives upside down.  
  
Mac was pleasantly surprised as she entered the room. It was not your typical "doctor's" office with stark, white, walls and a linoleum floor. The office reminded her of a Victorian Tea Room. On the delicately wallpapered walls were two Thomas Kincaid prints depicting life in a bygone era, and a vine wreath entwined with eucalyptus, dried roses and gardenias. The only exception to the artwork and wreath was an old needlework sampler with a quotation sewn into the fabric:   
  
"Let your love be stronger than your hate or anger. Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break." -- H.G. Wells  
  
There were no fluorescent ceiling lights. Soft lighting came from one of two pewter lamps on the cherry end tables adorning each side of the small couch. The couch was actually an antique loveseat, with overstuffed cushions in a subtle ivory and rose-floral pattern. Draped across the back was a chenille throw in a deep rose hue. An oval coffee table sat directly in front of the loveseat with a box of tissues and a pewter dish filled with mints, its cherry wood identical to that of the end tables. The hardwood floor was covered only in the center by a simple floral, wool area rug, matching the rose-colored hues in the room.   
  
Mac observed how the room was quite soothing visually and had a certain warmth about it. She thought it looked like someplace you would gather with old friends on a quiet Sunday afternoon.  
  
A leather arm-chair sat in front of a huge cherry shelf that adorned the one wall. The unit was neatly arranged with leather-bound books on the top 3 shelves, paperbacks on the remaining two. Upon closer inspection, Mac noted that the books consisted of the works of Shakespeare, some Agatha Christie novels, as well as several well-worn dime-store romance novels. Mac laughed at the eclectic selection, wondering just who this friend of Meredith's was.  
  
The grandfather clock chimed twice, announcing the hour. Just as Mac was about to make herself comfortable, the door on the opposite side of the room opened, and a lovely woman in her late 40's entered. She was of average height and build, with dark, auburn hair mixed with subtle hints of grey. She had pulled up most of it into a twist on her head, and secured it with a clip. She wore very little makeup, and a pair of smallish, wire-rimmed glasses. Her clothes were neat-consisting of a pair of tan corduroys topped off with a white shirt and spruce green cardigan. No penny loafers here, on her feet she wore fuzzy pink slippers, which Mac noticed immediately.  
  
"You must be Sarah Mackenzie," she said, extending her hand to Mac.  
  
"Yes. Please, call me Mac. And, you are Dr. James?" Mac asked nervously.  
  
"I am, and please, call me Maddie. Have a seat, Mac. I guess I'm not the picture of the typical psychologist," indicating her choice of footwear. "A pair of comfortable shoes is everything!" she said, sitting down across from Mac.  
  
Mac laughed a little. She started to feel more at ease with her surroundings and with the counselor they were being forced to see. Although how comfortable she would be once Harm arrived remained to be seen.  
  
"I thought there was someone coming with you?"  
  
"Yes, there is, but I'm sure he's running late, as usual," Mac remarked, just as the door flew open and Harm entered in a whirlwind.   
  
"Uh . . . I'm sorry I'm late. I had a difficult time finding a . . .um, a parking place."  
  
Mac rolled her eyes, suspecting that Harm was probably driving around looking for a way out rather than a parking spot. This expression was not lost on Harm, who shot her an annoyed look. Their non-verbal behavior was well noted by Maddie, who wondered what the hell kind of bees' nest she was getting into.  
  
"You must be Harmon Rabb," Maddie said, standing up from her seat and extending her hand in greeting, "I'm Dr. Madeline James; you can call me Maddie. I'm not very formal; I like to keep a casual environment. I find it facilitates open discussion and honesty."  
  
Harm shook her hand, "Pleased to meet you, Ma'am. And, it's Harm," he said with a reserved half-smile that Mac likened to a cat with it's back arched, before the hissing and scratching began.  
  
"Seeing as we are already four minutes behind in our session, let's retreat to my office to begin. Shall we?" she said, opening the inner door to enter a more private room.   
  
Mac stood up and maneuvered around the coffee table in an attempt to make her way to the other office. It was at the exact same moment that Harm likewise began to move in the same direction, both "meeting" at the end of the coffee table, toe to toe. Harm, being ever the gentleman, even in this situation, motioned for Mac to proceed ahead of him. With a nod of her head, she acknowledged him and continued on her way across the room and through the other door. Harm followed behind, close enough not to "get lost", yet not too close.  
  
The office they entered was decorated similarly to the outer room, with a sofa instead of a love-seat. The mate to the leather chair was also in here, as well as another set. The furniture was arranged in front of a fireplace, making the room cozy and intimate. A cherry, antique desk sat in front of two, floor-to-ceiling windows. Book cases lined the room, most likely filled with psychology journals and text books, Harm speculated. All the more to analyze us with, he thought.   
  
Maddie walked over to her desk to retrieve a file and a yellow legal-type pad, not dissimilar to those they used in the court-room. She was already making her way to the leather-clad chair by time Harm and Mac entered the room.   
  
"Please, make yourselves comfortable," Maddie said, motioning to the couch. Mac immediately complied; Harm, on the other hand, made it known he'd rather stand right now; again using that "cat smile" that Mac was beginning to despise.  
  
Sensing his uneasiness, Maddie began by offering them something to drink. They both declined. At that, she said, "Let's begin. I'll start by telling you what I expect you will get from these sessions. Then you can tell me what you want to get out of our time together."  
  
Mac nodded her agreement, accompanied by a quiet, "OK". She turned her head to catch Harm's reaction. He was leaning on the door frame with his arms crossed. He nodded his head likewise, however uttered no verbal agreement. What I'd like to get is out of here, Harm thought; the closer to the door, the quicker the exit.  
  
"Good," Maddie responded before delving into the business at hand. "First of all, I want you to come here with an open mind. Think of me as the mediator. The sessions generally last about forty-five minutes to an hour. We will always begin with a brief synopsis of what we covered before."  
  
Maddie watched them carefully as she talked. Mac seemed genuinely interested in what was being said. Harm seemed like he was being put out. She was getting a feeling he was going to be less than receptive to these sessions.  
  
"Now I just have a few questions for both of you. It will lay some groundwork for our sessions and give me basic information. First, how long have you been married?"  
  
Mac barely had the words "we're not" out of her mouth before Harm started coughing violently from his "post" by the door. Mac was embarrassed and amused at the same time by her partner's vocalizations.   
  
"Are you OK, Harm?" a concerned Maddie asked, getting him a glass of water. All he could do was nod his head that he was fine. "Maybe you're coming down with something?"  
  
"He came down with something a long time ago-commitment-phobia," Mac said to herself amusedly. Harm didn't catch everything she said, only the last two words and nearly spilled the water Maddie had given him. He shot her a look that could have been taken as a threat any other time; except his face was beet red from coughing, causing him to bear a striking resemblance to "Bill the Cat" from the Opus cartoons, in Mac's opinion. Finding humor was the only thing saving her from wanting to run screaming from the room.  
  
Harm composed himself and took a long sip of water, as Maddie re-settled herself in her chair. She looked at both of them curiously.   
  
"So the answer to my question of how long you have been married is . . . . . "  
  
Since Harm was still in no shape to answer, Mac said, "We're not married," calmly, with ever the slightest hint of sadness that only another woman could detect.  
  
"It's OK to be divorced. Many couples reconcile and remarry each other . . . . . "  
  
"Um, we were never married," Mac continued, speaking for both of them since Harm was still sputtering.  
  
"Alright . . . . . . Never married," Maddie wrote on her tablet. "That's OK too. Living together . . . . ." Maddie proceeded.   
  
Harm finally had enough. In a somewhat raspy voice, he managed to utter loudly, "We are NOT a couple. We DON'T live together. We are co-workers, partners, and FRIENDS! Nothing more! Now, can we get on with things, PLEASE?"  
  
The initial humor Mac found was gone. Harm's indignant response was enough to make her want to leave-immediately-but she didn't. His words were like knives to her heart. Keeping her emotions in check she turned to Harm and said, "Look. We HAVE to do this. Will you PLEASE sit down and shut up!"  
  
Maddie watched as he awkwardly complied. Harm knew he was being an ass, but he didn't think Mac would "call" him on it in front of someone they didn't know. He moved to the couch and sat at the opposite end, away from Mac without uttering another word.  
  
"Well, we're off to an interesting start," Maddie commented to no one in particular. Setting her pen down, she sat quietly for a moment, absorbing what had just transpired between Harm and Mac.   
  
"So, you're not married, were never married, and are not living together, did I get that right?"  
  
Mac turned her head to look at Harm without saying anything, leaving it up to him to respond.   
  
"Yes, that is correct," he said matter-of-factly before taking a sip from his glass.  
  
Maddie knew she'd have to ask her next question eventually. She thought for a moment before phrasing her words carefully, "How long have the two of you been together in a committed relationship?"  
  
Mac replied to this one, "We aren't together." This time Harm picked up on the tone of Mac's voice. It had a familiar ring to it-similar to "We're getting too good at saying good-bye". He wondered what the hell happened to bring them to this point.   
  
Maddie sat there with her head swimming. Here was this "couple"-and she was using the phrase lightly-that had some type of connection between them. Not married, not living together, not committed to one another, yet sitting here in her office to be counseled as a couple. They had to be in some type of relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, to get them here. She had caught the little hint of sadness in Mac's voice earlier when she answered the "married" question. She could tell that there was something going on beneath the surface, even if it didn't involve a gold band and promises. But getting to that was like playing 20 questions. And with each question she asked, the more confusing it became.   
  
Wanting an end to the 20 questions thing, Maddie decided it was best they jump right to lesson 2-why the hell are you here, rather than analyze a situation that read like "War and Peace" with extra chapters.   
  
"I want you to tell me exactly what your relationship to each other is."  
  
Simultaneously they responded, "We're best friends".  
  
The fuzzy picture suddenly became crystal clear. They were in love with each other and didn't know how to say it, let alone show it. She smiled at the thought. No wonder AJ said his friends required an "intervention". Well, there is only one "intervention" they need-I'll just lock them in a room together and have them go at it for a few days and bang, zoom, cured! Maddie chuckled, causing her clients to quizzically look at her. She quickly refocused, saying, "Good. Something you both agree on. This is an excellent place to start. Now, I want to know why you both are here."  
  
Mac could almost hear Harm saying "because the Admiral told us to" like a grade-schooler sent to the principal's office for bad behavior. She opened her mouth to give her opinion as to their presence, but Harm was already speaking.  
  
"We're here because we can't get along," was his solemn response to Maddie's question.   
  
Mac was taken aback. She thought for sure she'd be the one doing all the talking, while Harm sat there wasting the 45 minutes. Well, wonders never cease, she thought. Maybe there is a heart under those dress whites and gold wings, she murmured to herself.  
  
"Mac, any comments?" Mac was still lost in thought when Maddie posed the question to her, catching her off guard.   
  
"Um, it's beginning to cause problems at work," Mac said, remembering their little tirade in Sebring's court-room.  
  
"Beginning?" Harm was bristling at Mac's comments. "Where the hell have you been? It's been causing problems."  
  
Resisting the urge to strangle him, Mac glared at Harm. She silently took back her previous notion that he had a heart before raising her voice, "You mean YOU have been causing problems!" Mac struggled to maintain her self-control, which was diminishing by the second. "I am NOT the one who behaved like a . . . a . . . CHILD at Bud and Harriet's, Harm!" The world does not revolve around you!"  
  
Harm chuckled sarcastically, "Well, you let your one-time stint as judge go to head!"  
  
"You obviously resent me," Mac said, even-toned.  
  
"And you have no faith in me," was the response from Harm, equally serious.  
  
His statement made Mac catch her breath. She remembered a time when she used the exact same phrase with Harm after he said it was obvious that she resented him. Mac sat there on the couch, very still and very silent. This rift clearly didn't just happen; maybe it's been going on longer than we imagined, Mac thought to herself. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Harm rub his eyes, frustration evident on his face.  
  
Maddie watched the two of them during their brief outburst. She made a few notes on her pad of paper, mainly observations. What surprised her most was how they acted like a couple, even though they denied being one. They were both quiet now, each still sitting in "their" corner of the couch-Mac fiddling with the hem of her sweater, Harm with his head propped up with his left hand on the arm of the couch. Neither would look in the direction of the other.   
  
Harm was the first to break the uneasy silence of the room, "Is this about over for today?"  
  
"Is there something more important for you to do than this, Harm?" Mac asked with just a hint of sarcasm. She paused, then laughed at her own thoughts before saying, "Oh, wait; you probably have a date, don't you? Don't keep her waiting because of this."  
  
Harm looked at Mac with quiet reserve. He thought it was sarcasm, but there was something else there he couldn't put his finger on. Rather than start another argument with her, he kept silent.  
  
Maddie, however, picked up on Mac's underlying tone. Mac probably thought in the back of her mind that Harm would always find someone or something more important than her, she wrote on her notepad. She was as unsure of their relationship as Harm was. "I've got my work cut out for me," Maddie thought. Checking her watch, she decided that this was enough for today.  
  
"I think we can pick up on things on Monday. Is that agreeable?"  
  
Harm and Mac both nodded in accord.  
  
"Good. Then I'll pencil you both in for 4 pm on Monday. And, I suggest that we meet Wednesday and Friday as well. We'll set up those appointments on Monday. OK?"  
  
Harm started to object, but just said, "Sure. That's fine with me."  
  
Mac quietly added, "Fine with me."  
  
"Great. Now, before our next meeting, I want both of you to write down what you think your own strengths and weaknesses are. No need for a dissertation, just three key points for each. OK?"  
  
Mac nodded her head and said, "OK."  
  
Harm sighed, a little too loudly because it caught Mac's attention, as well as Maddie's.  
  
"Something wrong, Harm?" Maddie asked.  
  
"Just getting a headache, that's all."  
  
Mac eyed him curiously. She wondered if there was truly something wrong or was he just trying to weasel out of things. Knowing Harm as well as she did, she thought it was the latter. They had 14 minutes left according to her internal clock, plenty of time to find more things to disagree on. But, did she know him as well as she thought? Things didn't go so smoothly today. What if it is all falling apart? What if he really doesn't feel well? There has to be something else wrong.  
  
Mac's musings were cut short when Harm stood up to leave. She saw him smile at Maddie as he shook her hand. Except it wasn't that "cat smile", it was the Harm flyboy-charm smile that he used when it was convenient for him. Damn him for this, she thought. We're trying to work through problems and he's going to try to pick up the counselor.   
  
Mac grabbed her purse and said, "I'll see you on Monday at 1600 Maddie. Thanks." With that, she opened the door into the waiting room and left. She never even said good-bye to Harm. Confused, he watched her leave, wondering what was bothering her that she left so abruptly. She's probably angry that this session was less than perfect, he thought. She'll get over it.  
  
After saying his good-byes to Maddie, Harm left as well. He had plenty to think about now. And he had homework to do. Listing my qualities may take a while, he thought.  
  
As he made his way to street level and the front door to the building, he saw Mac scamper across the street to her car. He pushed the door open, and attempted to call out to her, but she was too quick. Mac was behind the wheel and slamming the door before his words ever made it out. He watched her start the car and rev the engine before pulling away, wheels screeching. "What would I have said to her anyway? Something like, 'Hey Mac, great session! I think we've got this hostility thing nailed, don't you?'" Harm said to himself, before realizing that this talking out loud crap was going to get him a free ride to the hospital, complete with monogrammed white jacket.  
  
After watching Mac's car turn the corner, Harm turned and began walking up the street to his car. His stride was leisurely, since he had nothing else to do or anywhere else to be. There weren't any cases to work on; he had tidied up his files this morning in preparation to give them to Manetti. Looking at his watch, he wondered what Sturgis was up to. He needed something to do to keep his mind off things. But, since Sturgis had become involved in Mac's and his little circus by default, Harm wasn't up to playing the "What the hell is your problem" game with him right now anyway.   
  
Having arrived at his SUV, Harm checked his watch, noting that it was just before 1445. He unlocked the vehicle and slid in, inserting the key into the ignition. He sat there for a few minutes before deciding that going back home was probably the safest way to finish the day.  
  
*****  
  
Maddie sat at her desk resting her forehead on the cool blotter. Her two newest clients had left after a rather interesting first session. It was going to be a roller coaster ride from hell for those two. It'd been a long time since she saw such a bevy of emotions swirling through the room like a tornado. The last time she had a session like this was 8 years ago with a couple from Maryland. The husband had a personality disorder that was driving his wife up the wall. Well, it was actually one of his four personalities that were causing the problem. She could live with the other three; it was the fourth one that was making her nuts, for lack of a better word. Maddie shook her head to rid herself of the memory. These two weren't that over the edge, but they definitely need guidance to realize their problem.  
  
She looked at the notes she had taken, trying to sum up everything from this initial session. After pondering for a moment on their meeting, she picked up her pen and wrote, "obviously in love with each other but too stubborn to do anything about it". Maddie closed her file on Mackenzie and Rabb, and stood up from her desk. She locked the file away in her file cabinet and turned the lights out in the office. Walking into the waiting room, she went over to the book shelf and perused the shelves until she found what she was looking for-"The Bridges of Madison County". Nothing like a good romance to warm the soul, she thought. Stuffing the book into her bag, she locked up the office and left for home. 


	5. Part 5: Procrastination 101

~~Procrastination 101~~  
  
Mac arrived home in an incredibly sour mood. This day had gone from bad to worse in a matter of 31 minutes. She tossed her purse on the chair in the living room and headed straight to the medicine cabinet for aspirin. Her head was throbbing. As she struggled to get the "child-proof" cap off the container, Mac thought, "The Admiral must have been off his rocker to even suggest we do this. Good thing I have time off; otherwise going into work this pissed off would be detrimental to everyone, not just Rabb."  
  
Finally able to open the container Mac sighed, "About time!" She took two aspirin with a gulp of water and quickly put the bottle back into the cabinet. She strode into the bedroom and threw herself onto the bed. The homework Maddie had given them briefly crossed her mind, just before her body finally gave in to a much-needed nap.  
  
One hour and 17 minutes later, Mac woke to the ringing of the phone next to her bed.  
  
"Mackenzie," she groggily answered.  
  
"Mac?" the male voice on the other end said, a little confused.  
  
"Uh, huh."  
  
"You OK? You sound terrible."  
  
"Oh, yeah, I'm OK." She sat up as it finally registered that the man on the other end was Sturgis. "What's up, Sturgis?"  
  
"I was calling to see if I could pick up the files on the Douglas case. Do you have them ready or do you need more time?"  
  
"No. I mean yes, they're ready, no, I don't need more time."  
  
"You sure you're OK?" Sturgis asked, concerned.  
  
"Yeah, just had a bad day, that's all." Mac paused before adding, "When do you want to get them?"  
  
"I'd like to do that today, if you don't mind. It'll give me all of tomorrow to review them before the case resumes on Monday. That's not a problem, is it?"  
  
"No. It's fine by me."  
  
"Good. I could be there in 20 minutes, if that's OK."  
  
"Sturgis, stop treating me with kid gloves, alright! I'm fine, nothing is wrong, OK?"  
  
Sturgis wondered briefly what brought on Mac's bad mood before it dawned on him that it probably had something to do with Rabb. He had heard scuttlebutt that the Admiral sent them for counseling and wondered if that was the underlying reason for her irritability. Actually, Harm had a way of pushing her buttons, with or without counseling, so the root of her petulance could have been just him in general.  
  
"I'll be there shortly, Mac," Sturgis said deciding not to offer anything more to the conversation.  
  
"See you then," she responded before hanging up.   
  
Why is it that men, in general, are so thick-headed, she thought. There is nothing wrong with me. I had a bad day. It happens sometimes. I'm sure Sturgis has had his share, especially with Harm.  
  
Mac returned to the bathroom to wash up a bit and get rid of the bed-head her brief nap had given her. She then went out to the kitchen and made coffee for the impending arrival of her guest. Although she hoped he wouldn't stay long, she also thought it would be nice to talk with an "adult" for a change.   
  
Sturgis arrived exactly 20 minutes after his phone call. What Harm lacked in punctuality, Sturgis more than made up for it. He was dressed in sweats and looked like he was on his way to the gym or running, Mac wasn't sure which.  
  
"Hi Sturgis," Mac greeted him as he walked through the door.  
  
"Thanks for letting me stop by to get the files, Mac. I won't take up to much of your time."  
  
"You have time for coffee?" Mac asked  
  
"Yeah, I guess one cup couldn't hurt. I'm on my way to get Bud."  
  
"Are you still coaching him in endurance?" Mac said, as she poured two mugs with coffee and brought them to the living room.  
  
"When I can. He's come a long way, but still could use some confidence. He wants to be ready for the PEB."  
  
"He's lucky to have you as a friend, Sturgis."  
  
"Well, you haven't done so badly in that department either, Mac."  
  
Mac wasn't sure how to take that comment. He was obviously referring to Harm, but she had no desire to "go there" right now, with anyone, including Sturgis.   
  
Rather than let it get to her, she changed the subject. "So, court resumes on Monday in the Douglas case?"  
  
"Yes. I know this is hard for you Mac, being severed from the case. I wish it didn't have to. . ."  
  
Mac cut him off, "It's OK, Sturgis. It's for the best and I'm sure that you'll defend him as I would have."  
  
"It's not bothering you?"  
  
"Of course it is, but I try not to think about it. It never should have happened, but it did and it's over. I'll be back soon enough and it will never happen again." Mac wasn't sure if she was trying to convince Sturgis or herself that it didn't matter.  
  
"Good, I'm glad to hear it. Now is there anything I should know in particular about this case?" Sturgis continued, knowing that Mac wanted the subject dropped. She noted this and was grateful for his tact. Mac retrieved the file and opened it in front of them on the coffee table. She was eager to get it over with so she could get on with things.  
  
****  
  
Harm had been driving around for nearly 2 hours. There was no place in particular he was going, just meandering around the Capital trying to clear his head. The headache he had earlier was now gone, with the help of the aspirin he kept in the glove box for just those purposes. He had stopped at a Starbucks for something to wash it down before heading off on his journey to nowhere. He wondered what Mac was doing at this moment. We got off to a rocky start with this counseling. Maybe I wasn't a model patient, he thought. I've had to go to counseling before, this is nothing new. I just have never done this with . . . he paused, not sure how to categorize Mac. Yes, she was his best friend. They'd been to hell and back together too many times to count, yet this time it was different. Doesn't she realize I need her in my life? Why is this so difficult for her?   
  
Tired of driving around in circles, he checked the time and decided to call Sturgis to see if he wanted to play basketball or something. Harm pulled off to the side of the road and got out the cell phone. He pushed 2 on the speed dial. It rang twice before Sturgis picked up.  
  
"Turner."  
  
"Hey Sturgis, its Harm."  
  
"Hi," Sturgis answered back stiffly. He was still at Mac's and wasn't sure how the other would react to the call. Mac might think that Harm sent him over to find out how she is or Harm might think that he was taking Mac's side. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, he thought.  
  
Mac didn't like to eavesdrop and felt uncomfortable sitting next to Sturgis while he was on the phone. She got up and took their empty coffee mugs into the kitchen for more coffee.  
  
"I was wondering if you wanted to get in a game of one-on-one."  
  
"Well, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now and then I'm heading to Roberts'. Maybe tomorrow?"  
  
"What are you in the middle of?" Harm asked.  
  
"Just going over some files," Sturgis replied uncomfortably, knowing that Harm would put two and two together.  
  
Mac picked up on this from the kitchen. She figured it was Harm calling. Sturgis was trying not to get caught in the middle of this mess, but he inadvertently was.  
  
"Files?" Harm asked. Then there was silence as he figured out what he was doing and where he was. "Oh" was all he could say.  
  
"Look, I'll call you later, OK?"  
  
"Sure." Harm replied before shutting the phone off.   
  
Bet Mac is giving Sturgis an earful, he thought. Just what I need, someone else to analyze me. He sat there holding the phone, not knowing what to do next. He was thoroughly bored. He briefly entertained the idea of going to a movie, but a single guy in a movie theatre alone? That had "loser" written all over it. He decided to go home. Home . . . homework. He had forgotten that he needed to complete Maddie's assignment before the next session on Monday. Hell, it'll take me that long just to pick three strengths and figure out what my weaknesses are. He turned the SUV in the direction of his apartment, stopping for Chinese food on the way home.  
  
****  
  
Mac watched Sturgis click off his phone. She was grateful he kept it brief and didn't mention her at all to Harm. Although she was sure that he could figure it out based on the little information Sturgis gave. Knowing Harm's intense investigative nature, he could probably "Name that Tune" in two notes if the need arose.  
  
She reentered the living room with refills on their coffee and placed them on the table. Sturgis mumbled a "thanks" and continued to read her notes.   
  
He had gone back to perusing the files after his brief conversation with Harm. Mac knew that it was burning Sturgis up inside not being able to ask what was going on. But she knew his father raised him right, and that included teaching him that meddling was bad.   
  
"Any questions, Sturgis?" Mac asked. It could have been perceived as a loaded question, but Sturgis stuck to the obvious.  
  
"No. It looks like everything is in perfect order, as usual, Mac. I appreciate you getting these together for me." He checked his watch and said, "I really need to get going. Oh, and thanks for the coffee, too."  
  
"Not a problem." Mac replied as she showed Sturgis to the door. As the door shut behind him, he paused in the hallway before leaving. He almost knocked on the door again to make sure that Mac was truly OK. She seemed distracted. He knew Harm could be a pain in the ass occasionally, but he always admitted it, and eventually apologized. And Mac, she admitted to him earlier in the year that she loved Harm. Did something change that? Not wanting to pry, Sturgis left, quietly hoping that his two friends would resolve matters quickly.  
  
After Mac shut the door, she leaned up against it with a sigh. Her headache was mostly gone and having had the brief nap, she was no longer tired. There were things she could do, but only one that weighed on her mind-the homework Maddie wanted them to complete.  
  
Mac went into the living room to retrieve the empty coffee mugs. She straightened up the kitchen and then decided that she'd run before it got too dark. Mac changed into her sweats and headed out the door. Homework can wait until later. Besides, it'll help me clear my head, she thought. I wonder if Harm completed his assignment, Mac mused. I'm sure he is writing his as "10 things I love about me." 


	6. Part 6a: Book of Revelations

~~Book of Revelations~~  
  
1600 Local  
Maddie's Office  
  
Mac had been sitting in the waiting room for 7 minutes. Why she was early, she had no clue. It was either impatience to get the session over with or eagerness for a resolution to this nightmare that she and Harm were living. Probably a little of both, but she truly wanted things back to normal with her best friend. She kept folding and unfolding the neatly typed paper with her "traits" on it. It had taken her all of Sunday to write them. OK, maybe not all day. She had done the laundry, run to the grocery store and rearranged her file cabinet. So it didn't take her **all** day. Hope Maddie doesn't ask how long it took us to do this, Mac thought.  
  
From out of the corner of her eye Mac saw something jump from the window sill and disappear behind the leather chair. She thought she had imagined it, until "it" made his presence known. A rather large cat suddenly leapt from the floor onto the love seat next to her and began nuzzling her right arm.   
  
"And who are you?" Mac cooed to the cat, stroking his back, right down to his full, bushy tail. His coat was thick, with a brown tabby pattern and a white chest that made him look regal. As she fingered the leather collar encircling his neck, the tiny bell attached to it made a soft, tinkling sound. In response to the attention he was receiving, he spoke to her in little chirps and trills.  
  
Promptly at 1600, Maddie entered the waiting area and greeted Mac with a smile.  
  
"Hi, Mac. Good to see you. I see you've made a friend." Maddie said, smiling.  
  
"Hi, Maddie. I guess I can say it's good to see you too," Mac replied, continuing her ministrations behind the cat's ears. "He's beautiful. What's his name?"  
  
"Zoloft-Zolly for short," Maddie replied, "He's a four year old Maine Coon."  
  
"I didn't notice him the other day when we were here."  
  
"He tends to disappear after lunch to find a comfy spot for his nap. Like any male, he doesn't want to be disturbed," Maddie said with a laugh. Pausing she added, "Is Harm coming?" only slightly worried what Mac's response would be.  
  
"Guess so. I honestly couldn't tell you since we haven't spoken since we were here on Saturday."  
  
Maddie was disappointed, but not surprised at Mac's response. Considering the way they "left" after their first session, she kind of expected that they would not communicate.   
  
****  
  
Harm stood down the hall from Maddie's office. He had watched Mac enter the building from the cafe across the street, and after she went it, he followed unseen. Now he stood here waiting for the appropriate time to enter the room. He was early, but hesitant to be on time. Mainly because he didn't want to sit in the waiting room with Mac and have nothing to say. Actually he had a lot to say to her. He wished he could tell Mac he was sorry and get rid of this whole mess they were in. But, maybe this was for the better. They really never got to have "the talk"; maybe it was time. This, however, wasn't the way he imagined it would be. "Guess it's time," Harm said to himself as he glanced at his watch. With a sigh, he walked down the hall to Maddie's office.  
  
****  
  
Exactly 4 minutes past the appointment time, Harm walked into the waiting room. Mac looked at him and thought, Let me guess, he couldn't find a parking place.   
  
Harm shut the door and straightened his jacket before lying to the both of them, "Um, sorry I'm late-couldn't find a parking spot, again."  
  
Mac smirked and muttered, "Knew that was coming. Would it kill you to be on time, just once?" Harm glanced at Mac sitting on the loveseat, and noticed the cat curled up in her lap. He thought he heard her say something, but she hadn't moved a muscle since he strode through the door, except to stroke the cat. Maybe it was his imagination playing tricks on him. He briefly entertained asking about the furry creature, but Maddie interrupted him by saying, "Let's go into the office and begin."  
  
Maddie ushered her clients toward the door to the other room, Zolly following close at her heels. She was as eager to get this started as they were to get it over with. She thought about the homework assignment she had given them over 48 hours ago and was excited to hear how they perceived themselves. But first on the agenda was finding out if either of them had been to a counselor before, since their abrupt departure had prohibited her from exploring that avenue on Saturday.   
  
The three of them took their places in the office; again, Mac on the right side of the sofa, Harm on the left, and Maddie in the leather chair. Zoloft, on the other hand, headed straight for the window and the warm glow of the late afternoon sun. Harm and Mac acknowledged each other, barely, yet seemed a little warmer to each other than they were on Saturday.   
  
After offering her clients something to drink, Maddie began, "Let's recap briefly what we discussed on Saturday. You are both in agreement that you are best friends. And, you are also in agreement that you have problems getting along-is that correct?"  
  
Mac nodded her head and Harm said, "Yes."  
  
"There is one thing that I feel we need to explore before we get to your homework." Maddie looked to each of them for any type of response and received none-they were both very quiet-so she took that as non-verbal agreement.  
  
Continuing, Maddie asked, "Have either of you experienced counseling before?"  
  
Mac was the first to answer, "Um, yes. But it was a long time ago."  
  
Harm looked deep in thought for a moment and then responded, "Do you mean recent counseling or how many times I've been to counseling?"  
  
Maddie's eyes grew wide. For a brief moment she was speechless. OK, I was sure this would be an easy enough question, she thought. She gave Harm's question some consideration before asking one of her own, "Was there more than one occasion, Harm?"  
  
Harm grinned, a little sheepishly, "Yeah, there were two-no wait, make that three." Maddie jotted this down, intrigued, yet not surprised that Harm would have some counseling in his past. This was something that warranted a little more investigation. But since Mac had only one counseling event, she'd discuss that first.  
  
"Mac, let's start with you. Why did you go to counseling?"  
  
"In 1996, after I returned from Bosnia." Mac's face immediately turned grim at the memory. It was a time she'd rather not recall. Over the years she had learned to bury such horrid memories merely because she didn't want them ruling her life.  
  
Harm looked at Mac, hoping she'd turn her head in his direction so they could make eye contact. He knew she had spent some time in Bosnia, but didn't know about the counseling. The pleading look on Harm's face wasn't lost on Maddie, though. His concern was evident, even though her tour in Bosnia occurred in the past, probably before they met. Maddie went on, but only after making note of this.  
  
"Did you go to counseling of your own accord, or did the military require it?"  
  
Mac paused, not really wanting to go there. "My CO suggested it, but I went on my own to a civilian counselor."  
  
"Tell me why you thought you needed to see a counselor."  
  
"Bosnia was the first over-seas military action I saw. I was assigned with the JAG office to assist with a war crimes trial of a Bosnian Serb who was accused of the rape, torture and murder of prisoners. My job was to assist with collection of evidence."  
  
Harm sat there astonished. He had no idea that Mac had experienced the horrors that he had only heard and read about. He silently wished he had known Mac then so he could have helped her through her ordeal.  
  
Mac continued, "I witnessed the mass graves, the women who were tortured and brutally raped; all those orphans with no where to go-it tore me apart. While I was there, I tried very hard to maintain some composure, and do my job without my emotions carrying me away. Once I returned home, I couldn't eat or sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, those visions haunted me. I had to do something or lose my sanity in the process."  
  
"That must have been an emotionally draining experience for you. Do those images still haunt you?"  
  
"Sometimes. But I found a place where I can keep them locked away. I will never forget what I saw, but it doesn't overwhelm me like it used to."   
  
Maddie was impressed with Mac's tenacity. Not everyone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder recovers in the same way. It takes a strong woman to go through what she did and stay in the military, Maddie noted in her file.  
  
Harm wanted desperately to reach across the sofa and take her hand in his. But since they weren't here under the best of circumstances to begin with, he wasn't sure how she'd perceive his gesture. Briefly, Mac glanced in his direction and saw the concern reflected in his eyes. She looked away, not wanting to be swept up in an emotion she wasn't sure they were ready for.  
  
Maddie watched the silent interaction of her two clients. Here were two people-a man and a woman so committed to one another that they didn't need words to communicate-their body language spoke for them. And right now, she was a first-hand witness to their unique dialect. She hated to break the silence in the room, but she felt she was on to something here.  
  
"Harm," Maddie began softly, keeping the atmosphere almost church-like. "Tell me about your prior counseling experiences. Why don't you start with the first one?"  
  
Harm's trance was broken slightly. He refocused on Maddie's question before beginning.  
  
"The first time I had counseling was after my ramp-strike in 1991."  
  
"Ramp-strike?" Maddie asked, knowing it had to be a naval term for something.  
  
"Uh, yeah. I was trying to land my F-14 on a carrier. The seas were rough and I crashed. I managed to eject, but my RIO-radar intercept officer-died." Harm's initial humor in discussing his previous psych evals was gone. Recalling this particular event was agonizing for him, even though it became the motivation to become the person he is today.  
  
"That must have been a difficult time for you."  
  
"At the time I was told I had night blindness. I felt it was my fault."  
  
"How long after the crash did you seek professional help?"  
  
"It was about 5, maybe 6 weeks. I was in bed for most of that time. I couldn't walk, had to go through PT just to be able to get out of bed. In fact, they were surprised I lived, let alone walk again."  
  
Mac looked at Harm, her brown eyes filled with compassion, and whispered, "I didn't know you were hurt that bad."  
  
He nodded his head in silent acknowledgement. They had talked about the incident a long time ago. Although he had confided in her, some things, like the severity of his injuries, was deliberately left out-almost like "what she doesn't know won't hurt her," but in a kinder, gentler way.   
  
"You had said that you had three counseling episodes in the past. Were the other two a result of this ramp-strike?"  
  
"No, those were separate incidents."  
  
"Tell me about the second time you had counseling."  
  
"It was in 1996. I had gone to China as a maritime law expert for the Navy. China and Taiwan were having a dispute over two islands. The Chinese captured me and held me hostage, trying to get information regarding the U.S. position in the dispute. They tortured me by shooting me up with drugs and leading me to believe that my deceased father was alive and being held captive in a cell beneath me."  
  
Mac was taken aback by Harm's revelation. She had never heard of this ordeal before today. Knowing how the loss of his father affected him, this incident probably served to drive him even more to search for him in recent years. She was hurt. Leaving out details about the ramp-strike injury was one thing; but to completely overlook telling her this was almost too painful for her to bear. She swallowed hard, smothering whatever tears were working their way to the surface. "Why didn't you tell me this, after all we've been through together?" Mac whispered, as she twisted the end of her shirt around her finger nervously in an attempt to keep her emotions just below the surface.  
  
"I'm sorry I never told you," Harm said quietly, not knowing how to make it better for her. He scrubbed his hands over his face before running them through his hair. It took years to bury those dreadful memories and in a matter of minutes those wounds were raw and bloody again-not just his, Mac's too. It seemed they had spent years hurting each other and apologizing for it. This time was no exception. Had he known they would have to "revisit" the past so much, he'd have left his memories at home, in a shoebox in the closet.  
  
Maddie's heart was breaking watching the scene unfold before her. All these years and they are still protecting one another from painful memories. It was almost like they would live the other's life just so they wouldn't have to experience the pain and sorrow all over again. She didn't think that they even realized they did that-it was such a natural response. It was amazing how in the midst of personal turmoil, they were still there for each other.  
  
The room was silent. Harm and Mac sat there, still separated physically, but all the closer emotionally. Rather than interrupting the moment, Maddie gave them time to regain their composure before going on.  
  
Three minutes had passed since Harm's "I'm sorry" to Mac. Some of the initial tension was evaporating and it seemed that they were getting to a comfortable middle ground where they could meet and work out their differences. Maddie was pleased with the baby-steps they were making, but they still had a long way to go. Getting to that point meant crossing some bridges they may have burned in the past. But for now, she still had to explore Harm's other counseling session-he had discussed two, but there were three. Maddie silently hoped that whatever revelations came from this discussion were ones that Mac had some clues about.   
  
Breaking the silence, Maddie asked Harm, "What were the events that lead to your third evaluation?"  
  
Harm eyed Maddie, then Mac, carefully. Mac "knew" about the eval after his little swim, but he wasn't sure she completely understood what motivated him to fly into a storm the night before her wedding, other than to just "be there". He knew he'd have to tread carefully in these waters.  
  
"I had ejected out of my jet over the Atlantic in May, 2001."  
  
Maddie unconsciously said "Really!" way before her brain told her not to. She was amazed at the adventures this man had been through, and she wasn't sure she had heard the half of it.  
  
Apologizing, she motioned for Harm to continue.  
  
Mac knew, sort of, what was coming next. The fateful night that changed both their lives had quickly become the topic of discussion. She had no way of avoiding it, short of the sofa swallowing her up. Again, she was twisting the hem of her shirt around her fingers nervously. Mac had known they'd have to "go there" eventually, even though she relived those events over and over. No counselor could ever purge her memory of nearly losing Harm.   
  
Harm sighed, and again glanced over at Mac. He knew he had to begin somewhere, but where? Deciding to keep it factual, he calmly pulled those suffocating memories from where he hid them.  
  
"I was out on the carrier Patrick Henry, for my annual quals-to keep my flight status. After I completed them, I requested to fly back to Andrews AFB. An approaching storm suspended all air operations temporarily. Once there was a break in the weather, my RIO and I were allowed to leave. But the storm moved faster than predicted and we were caught right in the middle of it. We lost most of the aircraft's flight systems and couldn't control the plane. The only thing left to do was punch-out, um, eject."  
  
Harm took a deep breath in an attempt to stop his heart from racing. The images of that night were flashing in his mind like lightning. He stole another glance at Mac and wondered what was going through her mind right now. Seeing as how she was nervously playing with her shirt, he knew she was reliving that moment as well. There was no way he could spare her from what happened that night-she had lived through it just as much as he had. He could protect her from his other near-death experiences by leaving out details. That night he took his dunk in the Atlantic, she suffered right along with him.  
  
Mac was almost relieved that Harm was able to summarize that night in just a few, bare-bones sentences. She silently prayed that Maddie would just drop the whole subject now. They had reviewed their past counseling experiences, which should be enough. But somehow, she knew it wouldn't be. They were at the gateway to a bridge that spanned the river of discontent they had been living lately. Finding what lay on the other side depended on how willing they were to cross that weathered bridge, baggage in hand and heart. Crossing that bridge would mean putting their fear behind them and exposing their souls to one another.  
  
Maddie listened, completely fascinated by Harm's account. He had more lives than a cat, she thought. However, she got the distinct feeling that there was more to this story than what he was telling. They both seemed nervous during Harm's recounting of the incident. She noted that Harm frequently looked toward Mac as he talked. Not so much as to see her reaction, but almost to get her approval of his synopsis. This was obviously a part of Harm's life that Mac was quite familiar with. Maddie had several burning questions, beginning with-Why? Why does an experienced pilot fly into a storm, when waiting until the next day was an option? Or wasn't it an option? What was so important that he needed to return that night?  
  
The silence allowed Maddie just enough time to sum up all her questions into one, "Harm, what was so important that flying into a storm was worth the risk?"  
  
Harm and Mac both were startled at her inquiry. Harm-because he knew the answer and Mac-because she didn't. 


	7. Part 6b: Book of Revelations

His heart was beating out of control in his chest. Harm knew he had to respond to the question with a statement-it wasn't merely a yes or no answer. In the months, actually year or so since the accident, they had effectively avoided discussing "reasons why". Excuses to avoid the conversation were as abundant as the fall leaves. Eventually they closed the book on that chapter once Renee' and Mic were gone. Now they sat here, Maddie's words hanging in the air, daring Harm to be honest with not only himself, but with Mac.   
  
The uneasiness Harm felt filled the room-Mac could sense it. He wrote the book on evasive maneuvers when it came to relationships. Theirs was no different. But she was at fault as much as he was. She could have stayed once Mic had left and Harm had returned from Minnesota after the funeral of Renee's father. Instead she chose to run halfway around the world to "not discuss it". There wasn't any room to run today. The question stood front and center, game and point resting on Harm's response.  
  
Maddie watched the both of them, just as she had every time a new question was on board. This question, by far, rattled them the most. She wanted Harm to just spit it out, yet she didn't want to pressure him for an answer either. Maddie wondered what their relationship was at the time of the mishap. Apparently there was something left unsaid between the two of them after the accident.   
  
After mulling the question around for a minute or two, Harm finally drew a breath, thinking of how he wanted to delicately handle his answer. When he finally spoke, the slightest quiver in his voice caught Maddie's attention.  
  
"I was trying to get back for Mac's wedding."  
  
Wedding? Mac's WEDDING! Those words were screaming in Maddie's head. She didn't dare open her mouth right now because the phrase "What the hell?" was on the tip of her tongue. It was killing her to keep her mouth shut. She was astonished, flabbergasted, and just plain floored by the revelation! So, the plot thickens, Maddie thought, making notes frantically in her file. This was one of the most complex relationships she had ever evaluated, and they were only two sessions into it. This was beginning to read like one of her romance novels.   
  
Composing herself, Maddie asked coolly, "Mac's wedding?"  
  
Harm and Mac both answered "Yes" at the same time, with Mac continuing, "It never happened."  
  
This session was snowballing. One simple question had lead to an avalanche of revelations that she wasn't prepared for, and she was getting the sense that they weren't either. She had the definite impression the two incidents were directly related and she wanted to explore it, but right now the bigger picture seemed to be that Harm's accident was a catalyst for everything that came after that fateful day.  
  
"So, flying through a storm to get to Mac's wedding was worth the risk?"  
  
Without missing a beat, Harm answered, "Yes", causing Mac to catch her breath at his admission. She had always thought his guilt regarding their little disagreement before his quals was the impetus for his rush to get home for the wedding. Now she was certain there was another reason. She had wanted to ask what that reason was a million times, but was afraid his response wouldn't be what she wanted to hear. Now he said flying in that storm was "worth the risk"-did he risk his life for her? He made no bones about disliking Mic, so he wasn't coming home to watch her marry him-that much she was sure of.   
  
Closing her eyes, Mac could remember every minute detail of that night. She could still hear the raging storm outside and feel the ache in her heart at the thought of losing Harm-forever. Recalling it caused her eyes to fill with tears.  
  
Harm's memories were likewise very vivid. He remembered the trouble with the aircraft and how his ejection lever had jammed. He shuddered as he remembered the shocking sensation of hitting the icy waters when he was finally able to eject. He could still feel the chute pulling him under and the ocean threatening to swallow him up. Dying was one thing, but knowing he'd never see Mac again was worse. There was so much left unsaid and undone. He swore that he'd take care of things once he was back, but it never happened. Life and all its complications got in the way.  
  
Maddie could see Mac's face flushed with emotion and the tears brimming in her eyes. Glancing quickly in Harm's direction, she could tell he was fighting a similar battle with himself. The painful memories were boiling at the surface and Harm and Mac were threatening to succumb to them. Watching the anguish on both their faces, Maddie longed to yank them back to the present, but she needed them to walk through the fire once more. They needed to purge their memories of the what-could-have-beens to be able to move on in a new direction.  
  
With the tone of her voice soft and soothing, Maddie began, "I know this is a painful experience for both of you to relive. But in order to help you both, I need to know a little more about the events surrounding the accident."  
  
Sighing, Mac wiped away whatever tears were left on her face. She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself, yet again. If Maddie was going to probe a little deeper into their wounds, then she needed to steel herself for the pain that would come with it.   
  
Harm watched Mac trying to suppress her emotions and wondered if he had been truthful with her that night on the Admiral's porch if they would even be in this place today. Was all this a result of his inadequacies, his inability to let go?   
  
Reviewing her hastily jotted notes, Maddie figured that Mac's wedding was the common denominator in the picture. Getting to the bottom of it all would require some tenacity on her part.   
  
"Let's go back a bit, to before the accident." Maddie paused momentarily, and then posed a question to Harm. "How did you feel about Mac's upcoming wedding?"  
  
Harm was stunned that Maddie asked "that" question. Stunned, but not totally surprised. He had thought she'd eventually get to it, maybe in another session. He never figured on today.  
  
"How did I feel?" Harm said with a sarcastic laugh. Bugme was never one of his favorite people and he had made it very clear to Mac. He could never understand what she saw in him.   
  
Desperately trying not to look in Harm's direction, Mac did anyway. She thought he'd be angry, but what she saw was a man still afraid-afraid to let go-or was he just afraid of her? She watched as the sarcasm faded and was replaced with an anguished look-as if he were tortured by a past memory.  
  
**Frankly, if you need me at your wedding to make it work, maybe you should reconsider who you're marrying.**  
  
Harm got up from the sofa and walked over to the window, moving the curtains to look out to the street below. Maddie didn't want to push him to answer the question. She saw Mac attempt to say something and motioned for her to be silent. There was obviously something that Harm wanted to say and she wanted to give him time to collect his thoughts. She was afraid that any distraction would break the spell that was cast over the room.  
  
Harm stood there silently staring out the window, yet at nothing in particular. Dusk was beginning to fall over the city; the streetlights were coming on, one by one. From his place by the window he could see Mac's reflection in the glass. Even with her tear-stained face, she still was beautiful to him.   
  
The echo of their voices from the past filled his head. Harm closed his eyes and it took him back to Mac standing before him on the Admiral's porch. The question that was burning inside him finally had made it from his heart to his lips.  
  
**Why did you go to him so quickly?  
  
You pushed me away. What was I supposed to do?  
  
Wait.   
  
For how long?   
  
As long as it takes.**   
  
Had he waited too long? Was this the end result of his inability to act on his emotions?   
  
"How did I feel?" Harm spoke softly, almost inaudibly. "There will never be enough words to explain how I felt. Hurt, betrayed, sad, heartbroken-I wanted it to be me you were marrying, not Bugme."  
  
Mac let out an audible gasp. Harm turned from the window to face her. He couldn't find any more words to say, all was lost when he looked at her-the heartbreak evident on her face. He slowly crossed the room to her, but before he could reach her, she stood.  
  
"No! Don't do this, Harm."  
  
"Mac . . . ."  
  
"I'm sorry, Maddie. I need to go." Mac said, gathering her purse and turning to leave.  
  
Harm tried to reach for her arm, but she moved quickly to the other side of the room and out the door before he could stop her.  
  
"Harm. Let her go," Maddie said standing up quickly. She stopped him by grabbing his arm.   
  
"I need . . ."  
  
"She needs to be alone right now. You just told her something that she probably should have heard a long time ago. She is just reacting. Give her time to grasp what you said. Chasing her will only make things worse."  
  
"Damn!" Harm shouted as he smacked the door frame with his hand. It startled Zoloft, causing the cat to scamper out of the room. He paced the room before going back to the sofa. He collapsed and buried his face in his hands, too frustrated to allow the tears that were choking him to fall.   
  
****  
  
Mac made it as far as the stairs before she collapsed in a sea of tears, her sobs echoing in the silence. Why did he wait so long to tell her this? Does saying it now make it any better? It can't erase the past. So much wasted time. The thoughts filling her head were making her dizzy. This was the last place she wanted to be. She settled herself enough to get up and walk down the stairs to the lobby. Entering the foyer of the building, Mac was grateful there was no one around to see her in the state she was in. She quickly made her way out the door to her car. Home was the only place she wanted to be right now. Pulling out of her parking spot, she briefly looked in the rear view mirror to see if Harm was following her-relieved yet disappointed he wasn't.  
  
****  
  
Sitting back down in her chair, Maddie also fought off the tears. She rarely let her emotions cloud her judgment and she hoped she made the right decision by keeping Harm from running after Mac. This was not how she wanted this session to end. But she could understand Mac's frustration too. This little revelation probably came 18 months too late. Maddie hoped, though, that it wasn't too late for them. There was still a chance that this relationship was salvageable, even repairable. It would take some effort on her part, as well as Harm's, to come to terms with the past and move on to the future.  
  
Maddie got up, went over to the sofa and sat down next to Harm. She gently touched his shoulder, "Why don't you go home. We'll pick up where we left off on Wednesday. OK? I'll call Mac tomorrow and set up the appointment."   
  
He could only manage to nod his head. If he spoke, the tears would fall for sure. Harm stood to leave, hoping he was doing the right thing.  
  
"What time on Wednesday?"  
  
"Wednesday is my late day-so why don't we make the appointment for 5 pm. Is that alright?"  
  
"Sure." Harm paused and then added, "I'm sorry things didn't go well today."  
  
"There will be ups and downs with counseling. The goal always remains the same." Maddie smiled, "I'll see you on Wednesday. And Harm, don't let this get you down. Think positive, OK?"  
  
Managing a slight grin, Harm said, "Thanks," and left the room, pulling the door shut behind him.  
  
****  
  
After Harm left, Maddie walked over to her chair and sat down to read some of her notes from everything that transpired during the session. This obviously went further back with them than May of 2001. They had a history with each other, even though it wasn't a "relationship" in every sense of the word. Something must have occurred prior to the accident, prior to Mac's engagement to precipitate events. Maddie couldn't put her finger on it. Were they together at one time? Or, did they attempt to get together and it didn't work. Maybe one of them wanted a relationship and the other wasn't ready? Maddie wrote in their file, "Whatever it was that drove them to this point should be explored-delicately."  
  
Looking at her notes from the last session, she realized they never got to discuss their homework-the strengths and weaknesses. Thinking for a moment, Maddie wrote:  
  
Harm (strengths): loyal, determined, protective  
(weaknesses): stubborn, inability to confront his feelings  
Mac (strengths): stable, protective, loyal  
(weaknesses): stubborn, insecure when it comes to emotions  
  
Now she was thoroughly exhausted. Zoloft peeked around the corner of the doorway. Noting his presence Maddie called to him, picking him up as he wound himself through her legs. "What a pair, Zolly! This isn't going to be as easy as I thought it would," she said to herself. "I just hope I can help them resolve this. It would be a shame if these two never got together." Looking at the clock on her desk she saw it was now 5:25 pm. Closing the file she sighed and said, "Thank goodness my five o'clock appointment cancelled earlier in the day." The rumbling in her stomach reminded her that she had missed lunch and missing dinner wasn't an option. "How about some dinner, Zoloft?" she asked him, as he jumped from her lap when she stood up. He chirped and flicked his tail as if to say "yes" to the dinner proposition. Maddie proceeded to close up the office and headed for the comfort of her home, her cat nestled in her arms.  
  
****  
  
Harm sat in the SUV silently. He had hoped he'd find Mac sitting in her car or something, but she was long gone by the time he made it to the street level. He pulled out the cell phone and went to press 1 on the speed dial. But Maddie's words, "let her go-she needs to be alone right now" reminded him otherwise. Harm closed the phone and drove home. His heart was aching for her. He needed to make things right-but how? 


	8. Part 7: Patience is a virtue, you know!

~~~Patience is a virtue, you know! ~~~  
  
1810 local  
Georgetown  
  
Mac's drive home was tense. Harm's little revelation to her had sent her spiraling into a sea of tumultuous emotions. She was left in a state of shock by his "I wanted it to be me you were marrying, not Bugme". After all the chances he had to say those words-words that could have altered the course of events-they were kept buried, until today. And it wasn't like she didn't give him the opportunity to say them; she had. He had chosen to back away and trivialize it so many times she had lost count. By doing that he had practically pushed her into Mic's arms. Why did it have to take going to a counselor to get him to finally say it? The sadness Mac was feeling was being replaced by frustration and anger. Harm's inability to tell her how he really felt hurt her beyond belief. Damn you! Too little, too late yet again, Rabb, she thought.  
  
She had had enough for today. All she wanted to do was go home, lock the doors and go to bed. Her head hurt and her eyes burned from the earlier crying she had done. The traffic wasn't helping matters either. Her drive home was taking longer than she had hoped it would. From what she could see, someone was in the wrong lane trying to turn. She resisted the urge to scream something less than ladylike out the window at the guy. Instead she said, "What a doofus" to no one in particular as she laid on the horn. Patience wasn't one of her strongest virtues.   
  
Once at home, Mac had a definite agenda in mind-eat, bathe, and sleep-in that order! Not in the mood to cook, she located her folder with take-out menus and began perusing them to find something palatable to order. After minimal deliberation, she settled on Eggplant Parmesan with a side of meatballs from a local Italian eatery she and Harm had ordered from once or twice before. Hastily dialing the number, she prayed they wouldn't take long delivering her meal. After being informed that it would be ready in 35 minutes, Mac decided to straighten up the apartment a little while waiting.   
  
In her rush to get to their session early, she had left the newspaper on the dining room table along with her coffee mug. Mac eagerly cleared the table, and then moved to the living room to find a few more distractions. Actually, she was willing to do anything to get her mind off today's session, including clean. But everything kept replaying in her mind like a broken record. Revisiting Harm's accident and her aborted wedding during today's session had drained her emotionally. Every healed wound suddenly ached, and there wasn't any medication she could take to cure this pain.  
  
Frustrated, Mac decided that she had had enough analysis for today. She went into the living room and started going through her pile of magazines-forcefully tossing them one by one into the trash can she had brought with her. "Maybe I've had enough of these sessions-period!" Mac said out loud as she continued her assault on the magazines. Sighing, she wondered what the alternatives were to this asinine situation. There was the Admiral's alternative-conduct unbecoming and contempt charges. Of course, her alternative was resigning her commission-if it came down to it. I'm a damn good lawyer-I could probably make it anywhere, she thought as she took the now-filled trash can back to its home in the kitchen. Standing there staring at the result of her cleaning frenzy, Mac was angry. I can't believe the Admiral would force us to do this! Harm and me in therapy-where would he get such an outrageous idea? It's not going to solve anything. What a nightmare, she thought.   
  
Mac went back to the living room and paced. Who was she trying to fool? There was no way that the Admiral was going to let them off easy, especially after his stern warnings last week. Resigned to the fact she'd have to grin and bear it for as long as it was necessary, she would finish what they started. Finally starting to think rationally, she sighed and said aloud, "It's all for the best anyway. If something good could come out of this three ring circus, so be it." Mac now focused her attentions on her bookshelf-muttering to herself as she rearranged all her books. "Right now it's-no, he's-making me crazy and irritable!"   
  
****  
  
The doorbell rang, interrupting Mac's thoughts. Thank God, she said, and with 37 seconds to spare, no less. Quickly answering the door, Mac retrieved her meal from the delivery person, paid and tipped her. She knew once she took care of the first item on her agenda-eating-then she could indulge herself in a hot bath and a warm bed.   
  
She headed into the kitchen to retrieve a plate and the necessary utensils for her meal. The sweet smell of marinara sauce and cheese permeated the apartment. Mac had been looking forward to this-having had it before she knew how delicious it was. She and Harm had ordered from this restaurant before, when they had gotten together to review notes from a case they were working on. Mac smiled sadly at the memory. Since the bitterness took over the space where friendship used to be, they hadn't shared a meal since. Well, who knows where this is going?   
  
Mac moved from the kitchen to the dining room, plate in hand. Just as she sat down to eat the phone rang, interrupting her mid-bite. Annoyed, she picked up the phone on the second ring.  
  
"Mackenzie," Mac said, a little less than pleasantly.  
  
"Ma'am? . . . Mac, its Harriet."  
  
"Hi, Harriet. What's up? How's Bud doing?" Mac asked, relieved that it wasn't her partner. She silently hoped that Harriet wouldn't be curious and ask her about how she was spending her "time off". Since nothing seems to be kept secret for long at JAG she figured Harriet had probably heard about the counseling. But, she'd wait until it was brought into the conversation, rather than bring it up on her own.  
  
"Bud's coming along fine, Mac. In fact, that's the reason I'm calling. I need a favor."  
  
"Sure, Harriet. What do you need?"  
  
"Well, Bud had an appointment for tomorrow morning. We had everything arranged with a sitter for little AJ. The doctor's office just called and changed it to the afternoon. Now our sitter can't be here. I was wondering-and you are under no obligation to say yes-if you can baby-sit for about 2 hours or so?"  
  
Mac thought about it briefly before answering. "No problem, Harriet. I have nothing planned. What time do you need me to be there?" Actually, Mac thought, it would be a pleasant diversion.  
  
"Are you sure it's OK? I don't want to impose."  
  
"Harriet, if it wasn't OK, I wouldn't have said yes. Now, what time would you like me there?"  
  
"One o'clock-the appointment is at two. That will give us enough time with traffic to get there."  
  
"Sounds good to me."  
  
"Thank you so very much Mac. You have no idea how much you've helped us. I was sure we'd have to cancel. With Bud's PEB coming up, I don't want anything to jeopardize his chances of going back to full duty."  
  
"I'm looking forward to watching little AJ. So, I'll see you at one, then."  
  
"One o'clock it is! Thanks again, Mac. I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
Mac smiled as she clicked off the phone, incredibly grateful Harriet didn't mention Harm or the whole incident, for that matter. But, she wasn't sure she had completely dodged that bullet-there was still tomorrow. With that, Mac resumed eating her eggplant, looking forward to the bath she was going to pamper herself with later.  
  
*****  
  
Harm's apartment  
About the same time  
  
Harm's ride home wasn't any less stressful; except his worry came from wondering if Mac was alright, having left their session so abruptly. He had desperately wanted to run after her and explain. He wasn't so sure Maddie's stopping him was the right move. I need to make things right with Mac. She probably hates me for letting this go too long, he thought. In fact I even hate myself for not telling her sooner, he sighed, pulling up in front of his apartment.   
  
Getting out of his SUV, he quickly scaled the stairs and entered his apartment. His first stop was the answering machine-no new messages. He picked up the phone to call her but promptly set it down again. Maddie had told him to give her time-wasn't 45 minutes enough? I just need to know if she's alright. I can handle a pissed off Marine, I just can't handle it if something happened to her, Harm thought-again picking up the phone. Common sense finally over took his impulsiveness, and he decided against calling her-for now.  
  
Realizing he was hungry, he went into the kitchen to see what mysteries the refrigerator held. Nothing, nada, zip. Now what? Feeling like he was in the mood for Italian, he found the menu from one of the places he and Mac had ordered from before. He knew what he wanted without even scanning the menu. Referencing it for the phone number, he called his order in, Eggplant Parmesan with a side salad. He had fond memories of sharing this dish with Mac a few months back, before . . . well, before all this happened.   
Needing something to fill the time until his dinner arrived, Harm headed off to the shower.   
  
Exactly 40 minutes later, the delivery person knocked on his door with his order.   
  
"Popular dish tonight," she said handing Harm the bag.  
  
"What do you mean?" Harm asked, getting his wallet out to pay.  
  
"This is the second order of this stuff I've delivered in the past hour and a half," she said.  
  
"Really?" Harm asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. "That's interesting, um, Alex," he said, noticing the name on the tag attached to her shirt.  
  
"Yeah. Go figure. And eggplant isn't that popular, especially with a side of meatballs," she said, as she quizzically looked at the handsome man standing in the doorway.  
  
"Somebody nearby?"  
  
"No. I delivered it in Georgetown."   
  
Harm smiled as he paid and generously tipped the delivery person. Thanking her, he shut the door and went to the kitchen. Was it a coincidence or was the other order of Eggplant Parmesan for Mac? Harm assumed it was the latter. Only Mac would order eggplant and meatballs. Mac was eating, that much he knew, and that was a good sign. At least she wasn't too pissed off to miss a meal. She always got hungry when she was worked up about something.   
  
He still wished he could call her. Although he had absolutely no clue what he would say, it would at least be an attempt to communicate with her. Harm decided that he'd eat first, talk later-that is if she would listen.  
****  
2000 Local  
Mac's Apartment  
  
Having finished dinner and cleaned up the kitchen, Mac settled in for the evening. She headed into the bathroom and filled the tub with hot water. Finding her bottle of lavender bath oil, she placed two capfuls in the running water. The air was quickly laced with the soothing fragrance as the bubbles multiplied in the tub. Mac needed to relax, the tension was spreading from her inside out and every muscle ached.   
  
Resigning not to think of Harm or their session any more tonight, Mac turned on the CD player and grabbed one of her books before heading into the bathroom. The melodic strains of Jim Brickman's piano filled the room. She didn't want any music with words to cloud her mind right now. She shed her clothes and cautiously stepped into the steaming tub, the hot water making her skin tingle. Mac retrieved her book from the counter by the sink, careful not to get it wet. Ah, what a way to relax; I could lay here for hours, she thought.   
  
****  
  
2015 Local  
Harm's Apartment  
  
It was now almost 3 hours since their session abruptly ended. Harm had contemplated calling Mac all evening. Whatever distraction he could find couldn't replace the need to hear her voice and know she was OK. He couldn't stand it any more, so he picked up the phone and dialed her number quickly. Nothing or no one was going to tell him otherwise now.   
  
The phone rang 4 times before he heard the click of the answering machine. He hung up without leaving a message. Maybe I didn't dial the right number, he thought, dialing again, this time a little more carefully. Again, 4 rings and that damned machine. This time he listened to make sure it was her machine. It was, and still no answer, nor did he leave a message.  
  
Harm was frustrated. Where can she be? I was sure she went home-maybe I was wrong about the eggplant, he thought. He wasn't sure what to do now. The little voice inside his head was telling her she was probably alright, just busy. He didn't bother to listen to it. Instead, he got his keys and headed out the door and in the direction of Mac's apartment.  
  
Eighteen minutes and 11 red lights later, Harm was at Mac's door. He had seen her car outside, but why didn't she answer the phone? He had images in his mind of a distraught Mac sobbing her eyes out because of him. Eager to make things right, he rang the doorbell and then pounded on the door-very loudly.  
  
Mac didn't hear the bell, but the pounding sounded like King Kong was at her doorstep. She extracted herself from the now tepid water and wrapped her robe around her for warmth-and to cover herself as well. The building better be on fire, she thought as she scurried to stop the unbearable knocking.  
  
By the time she got to the door, Harm already had his "emergency" key out and was using it. Unsure who her visitor/intruder was, Mac steeled herself. She grabbed the doorknob and yanked the door open vigorously, nearly causing Harm to tumble to the floor.  
  
Startled, Mac yelled, "What the hell? Harm?"   
  
Harm was equally as startled to see her standing there. She looked like she had just finished taking a bath. He could smell the scent of lavender as it mingled with the remaining aroma of Eggplant Parmesan. Lost for words, he just stood there. Grateful that she was OK, he prepared himself for a verbal assault for his intrusion.  
  
"Why are you here, Harm?" Mac asked, wrapping the robe tightly around herself in a protective manner. "Haven't you heard of an invention called the telephone?"  
  
"I, um, tried to call-twice-there wasn't any answer."  
  
"Did you even stop to think that I might be busy?" she said, angrily motioning to her attire.  
  
"Look, Mac, I was worried. You left our session . . ."  
  
"I left our session how, Harm? Upset, angry? You're damn well right I left. Now, if you don't mind, please leave. " Mac gestured towards the door for emphasis. "I'm not in any mood for this right now!"  
  
Harm felt defeated. All he wanted to do was make sure she was fine. Her anger was blinding her to this fact and he wasn't sure how to get her to see it.  
  
"I'm sorry, Mac. I was worried. I know I hurt you before, I just wanted to apologize." Harm headed for the door, glancing back at her briefly.  
  
Mac was unsure how to perceive his explanation or his presence. Although she was angry at him, she was touched just the same. But she also didn't want to "go there" with him at the moment. Right before she shut the door, Mac said quietly, "Thanks."  
  
Harm smiled softly at her, standing there while she shut the door. He felt relieved that she was OK, although he could have gone about it a better way. Maybe she wasn't as mad at him as he had thought?   
  
****  
  
0945 local (Tuesday)  
Maddie's office  
  
In between appointments, Maddie decided to give Mac a call. She needed to arrange the session for her and Harm on Wednesday, but she was concerned about her present state of mind, as well. Giving her time to cool down was appropriate, but she needed to make sure she was fine.   
  
She quickly dialed Mac's number.  
  
Mac was immersed in the newspaper when the ringing of the phone broke her trance. Briefly she considered letting it ring, just in case it was Harm calling. Only after realizing her commitment to Harriet did she answer.  
  
"Mackenzie."  
  
"Mac . . . its Maddie. I hope I'm not disturbing you."  
  
"Hi, Maddie. No, I was just reading the newspaper. What can I do for you?" Mac asked pleasantly, but reserved. She had the general idea that there would be a phone call to set up the next session. For as much as she wanted to just say "the hell with it", the voice of reason intervened, allowing her to continue the conversation with Maddie.  
  
"I am calling about setting up tomorrow's appointment, but I also want to know if you're alright. You left yesterday's session a bit tense."  
  
Mac sighed, not knowing how to answer her question. Yes-she was alright. But she was still smarting from Harm's comments. She briefly entertained the idea of telling Maddie about Harm's "visit" last night, but thought it was better they discuss it during their session.  
  
"Mac? You alright?" Maddie asked in a concerned tone, Mac's silence worrying her. She hoped that Mac wouldn't want to end their sessions so soon. She felt there were still a lot of unanswered questions to sort through.  
  
Mac finally answered Maddie, "I'm fine. I managed to get a good night's sleep last night-I do feel a little better."  
  
"Good. "We will pick up tomorrow where we left off on Monday." I thought we'd meet at five o'clock, if that's OK with you?"  
  
"What did Harm say?" Mac asked with just a hint of sarcasm.  
  
"He thought it was fine. How does your schedule look?"   
  
Mac chuckled, "My schedule is clear for the next 3 weeks."  
  
"Then I will pencil you both in for Wednesday at five. I'll see you then, Mac."  
  
"Bye."  
  
As Maddie hung up the phone, Zolly jumped onto her desk and pawed at Harm and Mac's file folder. She scratched him behind the ears and said, "So, Zolly, what am I to do with these two? If I could just get them to realize it's love that's driving them, all would be right in their world."  
  
Zolly didn't have an answer, but nuzzled his head against Maddie's hand, hoping for her continued attention behind his left ear.   
  
Maddie pondered her own question for a moment, and then got nose to nose with Zolly, "What would you know about love and romance anyway-you're neutered!" 


	9. Part 8: Adventures in Babysitting

~~Adventures in Babysitting~~  
  
1245 Local (Tuesday)  
Roberts' Residence  
  
"Come on, Sweetie, Mac will be here soon!" Bud called to his wife upstairs, who, in his opinion, was taking longer to get ready than needed.  
  
"I'll be down in a minute." Harriet replied to him. She had quickly changed out of her uniform into more casual attire for Bud's doctor appointment. She wanted to be completely ready before Mac arrived. It had been killing her since last Thursday to call and ask what was going on with her and Harm. She had heard through the grapevine that the Admiral had sent them to counseling because of their inability to get along. They should have gone for counseling years ago, Harriet thought, especially if it meant getting those two together.  
  
For as much as the appointment change was an inconvenience, it was a good excuse to get Mac over and hopefully dish about what's been going on. Ever since the housewarming party she had longed to have a heart to heart with Mac. But knowing her friend as well as she does, she knew that pushing her into a conversation she didn't want to have could be disastrous. She had decided she would ease into it gently, giving Mac an open door to talk about her situation with Harm.  
  
Harriet heard the doorbell ring and knew, without asking, that Mac had arrived. She hurried down the stairs, hoping to get a few subtle questions in before they had to leave. Mac was already in the kitchen talking to Bud and little AJ when she came downstairs.  
  
"Thank you so much for watching AJ." Harriet said, motioning for Mac to follow her into the foyer. This was her chance for subtle question number one and dammit she was going to ask it.  
  
"It's no problem Harriet," Mac replied, following her friend to the hall closet so she could retrieve her coat.  
  
Carefully broaching the subject, Harriet asked, "So, how are things?"  
  
Mac had an idea that Harriet would try to find out what's going on, and that it wouldn't take long for the 20 questions to begin. Deciding to play clueless, she responded, "What things, Harriet?"   
  
"You know, THINGS!" Harriet whispered, but with emphasis on "things", hoping Mac would catch on.  
  
Mac had wanted to avoid going "there" today. All she wanted was to have a day when she didn't have to talk about her problems with anyone, including her friends. It wasn't that she was being mean; she just wanted some normalcy back in her life. As she was about to tell Harriet that she'd rather not discuss it, Bud came into the foyer, followed by little AJ.   
  
"Harriet let's go! I don't want to be late. You know there's road construction and the traffic will be heavy," Bud said, interrupting them and grabbing Harriet by the arm. He knew she was up to something and wanted to squelch her nosiness before it caused trouble.  
  
Annoyed, Harriet shot Bud a look and then said to Mac quietly, "We can talk when we get back, OK?"  
  
Smiling, Mac nodded her head, grateful for Bud's common sense for wanting to leave early.   
  
"AJ, you be good for Aunt Mac, OK?" Harriet said, hugging her son and kissing his cheek, "Mommy and Daddy will be back soon."  
  
"He'll be fine, Harriet. You better get going before you're late," Mac said quickly ushering her out the door without shutting it. She and AJ watched as the van with his parents pulled away from the house and headed on its way. She breathed a sigh of relief and hoped her own departure would be swift as well-she'd do anything to avoid the discussion of Harm's and her predicament. Looking at the little boy, she was glad he was too young to understand what was going on and ask those questions his mother had become so adept at.  
  
Taking little AJ's hand and going into the family room, Mac asked, "So, big guy, what do you want to do first?"   
  
Same Time  
Harm's apartment  
  
Harm cursed the day Webb had left that TV in his apartment. Since he'd been on leave he had found it to be quite the distraction. Being able to watch the news whenever he wanted was great in the beginning, but soon the novelty wore thin. The only thing he found remotely amusing was the O'Reilly Factor. And that was the other thing-the remote. He finally understood the attraction to the little push button thing-he didn't have to move from the sofa. He also realized that daytime TV sucked. With the exception of a little gem of a network called the SPEED Channel, there really was nothing to watch. He actually spent the last 10 minutes surfing, just trying to find something worth wasting the time on. Some of those court TV shows were just too painful to watch. And the soaps, well, enough said.  
  
Glancing over at his bookshelf, Harm briefly entertained reading something. But other than his reference books and some journals, he really didn't have anything entertaining there. To tell the truth, if he wasn't reading to do research for a case, he really didn't read all that much. He had started reading one of those military scenario books, but he couldn't stop dissecting all the technical details. After a while, it wasn't even worth reading just for the distraction. He wasn't a history buff like Sturgis. In fact, some of the books he had loaned Harm were collecting dust in the bedroom. It was on his to-do list, he just didn't get around to it. He wished he was like Mac-able to read two or three books at a time. He smiled as he remembered tearing her books in half while they were on the Seahawk as she attempted to pack them before leaving on the COD. Even though that occurred moments before they got word of Bud's injury, it was still a pleasant memory.  
  
He couldn't help but have Mac on his mind. He wondered for the millionth time what she was doing. Calling her was out of the question, especially after his little "breaking and entering" routine from last night. He smiled amusedly remembering the sight of her in her robe-and the shocked look on her face. At least in the midst of his frustration he was able to find some humor-but only after the fact. Hope she doesn't ask me to turn over the emergency key, Harm thought, only slightly worried.   
  
Switching gears, he thought of the appointment with Maddie tomorrow. He was sure she had called Mac by now to set up their next session. If Mac had changed her mind or refused, Maddie would have let him know-at least he hoped so. The prospect of going through counseling alone was far from appealing. Despite the fact that he initially hated the idea, it seemed like it was helping to get a lot out into the open, painful as it was.  
  
Deciding he was bored, Harm gave up on the channel surfing, clicked off the TV and then took the batteries out of the remote. Damned if he'd get addicted again. He wondered what else there was to do; an idea crossed his mind-why not visit Bud and little AJ? With Harriet still at work, they could get some guy-time in. He gave thought to calling first, but had decided against it, knowing Bud usually didn't go anywhere by himself. Harm quickly showered and changed before driving off to the Roberts'.  
  
1330 Local  
Roberts' Residence  
  
Bud and Harriet had been gone for 33 minutes and little AJ was already tiring out Mac. Asking a three and a half year old what he wanted to do was a big mistake. With the swiftness of a gazelle, AJ had the Lego's out, along with his Brio' figurines, and ink from markers on his hands-"God knows when THAT happened," sighed Mac. In an attempt to slow him down, Mac put him at the kitchen table with his Play-doh. She wondered when the situation had gotten out of control. The house was beginning to look like FAO Schwartz at Christmas. She hoped that at some point his batteries would run down so she'd be able to straighten up before Bud and Harriet returned. She didn't want them to know that their son got the upper hand on his Godmother.  
  
In the midst trying to fix the Fuzzy-Pumper guy, the doorbell rang. Before Mac could even get out of the kitchen, AJ had run to the door and answered it.  
  
"Uncle Harm!" the little boy shrieked with merriment, as his Godfather lifted him up like an airplane.  
  
Mac spun around to see Harm walking through the hallway from the foyer to the kitchen with little AJ up over his shoulders. She silently wondered if Harriet had set all this up-otherwise why would he have shown up unannounced. Trying to act coolly, Mac continued to tidy up the table with the Play-doh on it.  
  
Harm walked into the kitchen and set the little boy down in the chair at the table. At first he was afraid to say anything, but realized avoidance would only make it worse. "Hi, Mac," he said evenly, "I had no idea you'd be here today."  
  
"Um, Bud's appointment got changed and the sitter wasn't available. Harriet asked me to watch him." Mac replied without meeting his gaze. This was the last place she expected to run into Harm. She was a little nervous. Considering the way counseling had gone on Monday, she wasn't sure what to expect from him, or what he expected from her.   
  
"Looks like you've got your hands full with the little guy," Harm said admiring one of AJ's creations. "You two have been busy."  
  
"He is definitely a busy boy," Mac said awkwardly, at a loss for what to say to Harm.  
This wasn't Maddie's office-she couldn't exactly run away. And it wasn't her apartment-if she asked Harm to leave, little AJ would be upset.   
  
Harm noticed her discomfort, knowing he was probably the reason for it. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was for keeping things from her, but knew this was neither the time nor the place to discuss it. Deciding to keep the past in the past, at least for today, he said, "Look, why don't you take him upstairs and clean him up, I'll straighten up down here."  
  
Mac was surprised by his gesture, but appreciative nonetheless. Accepting his offer as it was meant, she said "Um, sure Harm. Thanks," with the slightest hint of a smile.  
  
Picking AJ up and carrying him upstairs Mac said, "Come on, big guy. Let's go wash you up. Once we're nice and clean, we can have a snack. OK?"   
  
Harm smiled at the sight. He missed spending time with Mac. Although things were a mess right now, he hoped they could eventually get back what they had. The thought of losing Mac to his own stupidity hurt more than he ever imagined. He had to make her understand his motives for not being honest about his feelings for her. But, it would have to wait for a more opportune moment.  
  
While Mac was upstairs with AJ, Harm made quick work of cleaning up the toys, unsure what time Bud and Harriet planned on returning. He didn't want their house looking like a battle zone. Amazing how one small child could turn a house upside down, he chuckled to himself. Contemplating their present dilemma he said aloud, "Amazing how one statement turned our world upside down."  
  
It didn't take Mac long to wash up little AJ. Thankfully the ink from the markers he had on his little fingers was the washable kind. As she descended the staircase carrying him, Harm met her at the bottom and offered to take the boy from her. She obliged, as he wasn't as light as he used to be when he was a baby. Mac watched as he carried him into the family room. Before all the conflict came into play, Mac had often wondered what kind of a father Harm would be, if they ever got together. Watching him with little AJ, she felt like she was getting a glimpse into the future. Unseen, she smiled sweetly at the scene-more of a "if only" kind of expression than one of joy. Reclaiming their friendship had priority at the moment.  
  
The child's laughter broke the spell she was under, reminding Mac that she had promised the little boy a snack. Heading toward the kitchen, she knew Harriet didn't like him to have too many sweets, so she retrieved some fruit and prepared a plate that they all could enjoy. Walking back into the family room, she enjoyed the sight of Harm sitting in the recliner with AJ on his lap, reading him a story. Despite the pleasantness of the scene Mac couldn't help but still feel the heartache from their encounter on Monday. So far Harm hadn't broached the subject, and she wasn't sure if he would. He seemed content being with his Godson and that was good enough for her too. This had become a neutral ground where they could spend time together without snipping at one another.   
  
Little AJ noticed Mac before Harm did and squealed with delight at the sight of his snack. Mac set the plate down on the coffee table in front of Harm and AJ. Feeling a little ill at ease in Harm's presence, Mac began to walk out of the room to find something else to occupy her time.   
  
"Don't go, Mac," Harm said softly, wanting her to stay, yet not wanting her to feel pressured to be with him either. He silently wished he could make all the pain go away with a wave of his hand, and give them happier times. But he was no magician. If they wanted to get back what they had and move their relationship in a new direction, they would have to work at it. And seeing how agonized she was over what had transpired between them, Harm was all the more eager to do what was needed to make it work.   
  
Mac stopped her retreat from the room and turned slowly to meet Harm's gaze. The gentleness of his voice and the softness of his expression told her that he had no intention of revisiting their "issues" from Monday. For that fact she was relieved. They still had the demons of their past to conquer-but not today. However, she still felt oddly uncomfortable in his presence. Was it because some of the residual hurt from his revelation? Or, was it because she finally knew how he felt when she was about to marry Mic? She felt confused by her feelings and having Harm right in front of her surely didn't help matters. His mere presence often distracted her as her heart took over where her brain should be.  
  
Harm watched her carefully. He could sense her conflicting emotions and didn't want to push her into something that she wasn't ready for. Wondering if it were best if he left, for both their sakes, he glanced at his watch and said, "I really should be going." He stood up from the chair and began to cross the room to leave. He knew that running away, for as appealing as it is, doesn't solve anything, but sometimes it's the only recourse.   
  
Now more than ever Mac was unsure of how to handle the situation. Avoiding the discussion was one thing, but avoiding each other was clearly a different ballgame. She missed him-she missed her best friend-despite the tension and the lost opportunities. Yes, she was angry he waited so long to tell her his feelings. And, yes, she didn't want to talk about it, at least today. But, she didn't want him to leave, nonetheless. And it was obvious he was leaving to spare her feelings.  
  
The room was silent except for little AJ munching on his apple. Mac finally found the strength to meet Harm's gaze. She quietly said, "You don't have to leave."  
  
"Are you sure you're OK with me being here?" Harm asked gently.  
  
Her knees were slightly weak as she answered him, "Yes."   
  
Harm smiled at her softly. He then looked at AJ and tousled his hair, "So what do you want to do first, AJ?" he asked. Mac rolled her eyes-that's what got me into trouble in the first place, she thought.   
  
"How about watching a movie instead?" she offered, trying to dissuade Harm and AJ from creating another flood of toys in the family room.  
  
"Yippee!" AJ exclaimed, running to the shelves to pick something out that Mac was certain he had watched a hundred times. The little boy quickly selected "The Lion King" and handed the movie to Harm. He then ran to get settled with Mac on the sofa. Harm started the movie and then joined them, sitting so that AJ was between him and Mac.  
  
The music swelled as the movie began causing AJ to wriggle with excitement. But it wasn't 24 minutes into the movie that he had fallen asleep-leaning into Mac as she had her arm around him. Five minutes later Harm glanced over and noticed Mac was asleep as well. He got up and retrieved a fleece throw that was folded up inside a basket on the floor. Careful not to wake either one of them, he covered them up and returned to his position on the couch. He embraced the comfortable silence that had fallen between them, even though it was because she was asleep. Having never seen "The Lion King", Harm continued to watch the movie, content at the baby steps they were making.  
  
****  
  
Driving up to their house, Bud and Harriet were surprised to see Harm's SUV parked there next to Mac's car. They certainly didn't expect him to be there, especially with everything that was going on.  
  
After Harriet parked the van, she and Bud opened the door to the home and were greeted with the stillness of a quiet house. They tiptoed inside, gently shutting the door behind them.   
  
Bud whispered to Harriet, "I wonder where everyone is?"   
  
"Maybe AJ has them tied up somewhere," Harriet said, half joking as she hung up her coat.  
  
"Bound and gagged? I hope not."  
  
Harriet peeked around the corner into the family room, and stifled a giggle. She motioned for Bud to look.   
  
On the couch were Harm and Mac-nestled together under the blanket-asleep-with little AJ playing quietly on the floor with his Lego's. The movie credits were rolling on the TV screen.  
  
"So much for our sitter," Bud laughed.  
  
Little AJ suddenly noticed his father and yelled "Daddy!" loud enough to startle Harm and Mac from their little catnap. Mac blinked her eyes and realized where she was and who was next to her under the blanket.   
  
"Bud. Harriet. I must have dozed off. Did you just get here?" she said, standing quickly, slightly embarrassed.  
  
Harm likewise was now fully awake and sitting up on the couch. He acknowledged the Roberts' with a nod of his head and a yawn before standing up.  
  
"Commander, I didn't know you . . ." Bud started to say before Harm interrupted to clarify whatever they were reading into the situation.  
  
"I thought I'd stop by for a visit," Harm said. "I decided to stay to give Mac a hand. I hope you don't mind."  
  
"You know you're always welcome in our house, Harm."   
  
Thinking for a moment, Harriet added, "Would you two like to stay for dinner?"  
  
Automatically Harm replied for both of them, "Sure, we'd love. . ."  
  
"Uh, thanks for the offer, Harriet, but I really need to be going," Mac interjected, cutting Harm off mid-sentence. She didn't want to push the good fortune of getting along today anymore.  
  
Thinking she'd stay for sure, Harriet silently understood Mac's need to leave. Noting her sudden nervousness, she didn't want press the issue. Her earlier eagerness to find out what was going on between them was now shelved indefinitely, no matter how curious she was.   
  
Harm tried hard not to let his disappointment show, but it was apparent to Bud and went unnoticed by Mac, as she was already headed out of the room to gather her things. He sighed, grateful for the little progress they made.   
  
Not wanting to hurt Harriet's feelings, Harm said, "I can stay for dinner if the offer still stands."  
  
"Absolutely," Harriet replied as she followed Mac out into the hallway.  
  
Mac had retrieved her purse and jacket from the foyer closet. She stopped briefly by the family room to say goodbye to little AJ. Stooping down to toddler level, Mac hugged the little boy and kissed his forehead, "I had fun today, big guy. We'll have to play again sometime, OK?"  
  
Standing up, she turned toward Harm and smiled sweetly, "Thanks for your help, Harm."  
  
"I'll see you tomorrow," he replied, a bright smile filling his face. Watching her walk out the door, he exhaled and ran his hand through his hair. Well, she didn't threaten bodily harm, I guess that's a good sign, he thought. There's always tomorrow. 


	10. Part 9a: Full Disclosure

~~Full Disclosure~~  
  
1635 Local (Wednesday)  
Maddie's Office  
  
As far as Maddie was concerned, it took forever for Wednesday to get here. She wasn't entirely sure how her clients felt about today's impending session, but she was certainly impatient. After Monday, she initially had doubts that they would continue with their counseling. The way Mac left upset and Harm desperate to run after her, tore at her heart. She hadn't heard from them except for confirming their next appointment, so she took that as a good sign they were coming today.   
  
The butterflies in her stomach were doing a mean mambo right now. Of course the three cups of coffee and a can of diet coke did nothing to calm them either. She thanked the stars that today was a "light day" as far as appointments were concerned. Usually Wednesday mornings were reserved to catch up on errands or chart reviews. Today was no exception. Although she was too distracted for chart reviews, she did manage to take Zolly for his monthly pampering at Feline Finesse Spa-grooming, bath and mini-massage. She made a mental note to schedule something similar for herself-at the human spa, of course!  
  
To drive the autumn chill from the office, Maddie kindled a fire in the fireplace. Zolly immediately found his spot on the rug directly in front of hearth. He stretched and then curled up into a furry ball, flicking his bushy tail around to cover his eyes.   
  
Checking the time, Maddie pulled Harm and Mac's file from her drawer to review her notes from Monday-not that she needed to. Little by little Harm and Mac had taken Maddie deeper into their past during their last session. Everything that had transpired was quite clear in her mind. She felt like she had to chase the ghosts out of the closet in order to get to the real story-their story. "Wonder what mysteries will unfold today," she said aloud to herself.  
  
The ringing of her private phone interrupted her train of thought, much to her dismay.  
  
"Hello?" Maddie answered, trying to keep her annoyance to a simmer.  
  
"Maddie? It's AJ Chegwidden. I hope I'm not disturbing you."  
  
"Not at all, AJ. How are you?" she said, amiably this time.  
  
"I'm fine," AJ paused, unsure of how to broach the subject of Harm and Mac. Since he had "unofficially" ordered them to counseling, he was curious to see how they were complying with his recommendation. But, he didn't want to step on Maddie's toes either.  
  
Maddie had a feeling she knew what direction he was going to take this conversation. However, all she could do was give a brief overview as to how things were going or ask AJ a few questions without disclosing too much information on Harm and Mac. Specifics were something she kept confidential no matter who it was that was calling; she hoped AJ realized this.  
  
She waited only a moment before deciding to take control of the impending discussion, asking, "What can I do for you AJ?"  
  
"I hope I'm not out of line in asking how things are going with Harm and Mac."  
  
"Not at all, as long as we keep things to generalizations," Maddie explained.  
  
AJ jumped right to the question that was at the forefront of his thoughts, "So, are they making any progress?"  
  
"Yes and no."  
  
"What do you mean by that?" he asked bewildered by her comment. So help me, if those two are pulling stunts with the shrink, I'll kill them, he thought.  
  
"Um, well, to put it to you bluntly, I think the easiest way to resolve this is to put the both of them in a room together-alone-and let nature take it's course," Maddie responded humorously, yet being honest at the same time.  
  
"Excuse me?" AJ was flabbergasted at her frankness, even though the identical thought had briefly crossed his mind a time or two.  
  
"OK, a hotel room to be more specific," Maddie added, not really sure that he was getting her drift.  
  
AJ paused to try to suppress the laugh that was building up inside him. He knew all along that's what they needed, but how could you put THAT in a report? Realizing that there was dead air over the phone, he regained his composure and said, "I see" in his best authoritative tone.  
  
"But, seriously AJ. Getting to the bottom of this is will take a lot more than one or two sessions. There is a lot more emotional baggage than either of them realizes they have," Maddie continued.  
  
"They are quite the pair, aren't they? They've been to hell and back for one another," he said, mentally recalling what those two put him through over the years.  
  
Now it was Maddie's turn to be confused, "What do you mean, AJ?"  
  
"Well, there was South America, the Appalachians . . . and of course, Australia. And let's not forget Russia."  
  
Maddie was taken aback, "I thought they were lawyers? They sound more like CIA operatives."  
  
"CIA? They've done that too," AJ laughed.   
  
"Honestly, AJ, so far it's going well," Maddie said, "They haven't missed an appointment and have been cooperative. I don't think you have anything to worry about."  
  
"Good. I'd hate to follow through with the charges against both of them," he stated quite matter-of-factly.  
  
"Now, AJ, would you really do that to them?" Maddie said with a teasing note to her voice.  
  
He paused, giving thought to her question, "No. But what they don't know won't hurt them. They need to get their act together-pronto!"  
  
Maddie laughed at his comment, figuring that his patience probably had a short fuse. Realizing the time, she said pointedly, "I really hate to cut this call short, AJ, but I have clients coming in at five o'clock and I need to prepare their file."  
  
"No problem. You will keep in touch regarding their progress?"  
  
"If the need arises, I will call you," Maddie replied. "Have a good evening, AJ."  
  
"You too, Maddie."  
  
She clicked the phone off and sighed, realizing there were less than 15 minutes until Harm and Mac's arrival. Looking at the open file in front of her, one sentence jumped out at her "did one of them want a relationship and the other wasn't ready". It was obvious the feelings for one another ran silent and deep, so why wouldn't they want a relationship with one another?  
  
Choosing not to cloud her thoughts right now, Maddie kept that one question in the back of her mind. Her only plan at this point was to progress delicately today. And, maybe lock the doors-she didn't want either one of them leaving until the session was over!  
  
****  
  
6 Minutes later  
King Street  
Old Town Alexandria, VA  
  
The drive over to Maddie's office was nerve wracking for Mac. It was 47 hours and 34 minutes ago that Harm finally opened the little black box that harbored the secret he kept for the past 18 months. Today she was going back to the scene of the "crime", so to speak. Since those hours and minutes ticked away, she had had time to think. Spending a little time with him yesterday watching little AJ was just enough to soothe her troubled soul. It didn't take her long, however, to realize that maybe she was carrying her anger a little too far. Although it truly wasn't anger the whole time-her emotions were so muddled that it was becoming hard to decipher anger from hurt and hurt from fear.   
  
In her solitude, she had reconciled herself to the truth that there was "something" else there under that protective armor that Harm frequently wore when confronted with his feelings. Lately she had seen little bits of it peel away-at her apartment and then again at Bud and Harriet's. But, was this "something" that was there all along and she just didn't see it? Mac was hesitant to wonder what it was. Every time she thought she had the man figured out, he managed to take her down another path of elusiveness.   
  
Sighing heavily, Mac pulled into the parking place near Maddie's building. Time for round three of Mackenzie vs. Rabb, she thought as she turned the ignition off and exited the car. As she crossed the cobblestone road, something, or rather someone caught her eye. Harm was leaning against the building, looking in her direction and waiting-for her. Mac's heart skipped a little. After being late for two sessions, he was not only on time, but early. She wondered if this was some sort of sign, but promised herself not to read into it too much.   
  
Harm watched as Mac crossed the street in his direction. He had been waiting for her to show up for the past 10 minutes. Although his coat was zippered securely to fend off the damp autumn air that swirled around him, watching her he was suddenly filled with a warmth he couldn't explain. He knew that whatever lay ahead of them in this session they would need to confront those demons together. As far as he was concerned, he was done running.  
  
She nervously bridged the distance between them. Mac never expected him to be waiting for her-late, maybe-but definitely not this.  
  
"Hi," she said quietly as she came to a stop in front of him. His presence had caught her off guard and she was having a difficult time concentrating. Dressed in jeans with a cream colored sweater peeking out from under his leather jacket, his dark features were a striking vision to her.  
  
Drawing a breath, all he could manage to say was "Mac," acknowledging her presence. His words were lost in the sight of her as she stood in front of him. The stone fortress he had created long ago was beginning to crumble. The rust colored shirt she wore with her black pants made her face glow in the fading daylight. He felt he could stand there forever and drink in the vision before him. Silently he hoped today's session would be a little less traumatic for them.  
  
Breaking the silence, he quietly said, "We should go in." She nodded her agreement, walking through the door as he held it open for her.  
  
They climbed the stairs to the second floor together. Once they reached the landing, Mac turned to Harm and said, "Excuse me for a moment, I think I'm going to find the rest room first. I'll meet you in the office."  
  
"No problem," he said, watching her walk in the opposite direction before he turned to walk toward Maddie's office.  
  
****  
  
Checking her watch, yet again, Maddie realized it was nearly time for their session. Hearing the opening and shutting of the outer office door, she assumed that Mac had arrived-first as usual-for their session. Having only spoken to Mac briefly since Monday, she had wanted to have a moment alone with her prior to Harm's arrival to make sure she was alright-considering the way she left last time. Closing the folder, Maddie stood up and went to greet her client.   
  
As she opened the door, she was stunned to see Harm, having just seated himself in the leather chair. Well, this is a surprise, Maddie thought. Usually we're the ones waiting for him to get here. She did her best to suppress her astonishment and greet her client pleasantly.  
  
"Hi Harm. How are you?"  
  
Ever the gentleman, he stood when she entered the room. "Hi Maddie. I'm fine."  
  
"I guess we'll get started as soon as Mac arrives."  
  
"She's here," Harm said, "She just went to find the rest room first."  
  
Maddie looked at him peculiarly, wondering if they had arrived together but then dismissed the notion entirely. After the last session, she worried if they'd even show up, let alone come together. Their arrival together was purely coincidental, she thought.  
  
****  
  
Mac stood in the bathroom at the sink, just staring into the mirror, trying to calm the nerves that suddenly gripped her. Harm had managed to surprise her by waiting for her and it definitely threw her off. Her composure was deteriorating. Sure, all was well YESTERDAY when they ran into each other by accident. This was different. This was yet another session of baring their souls to Maddie and to one another.  
  
She wondered what other revelations he'd have for her today. But she also wondered where Maddie would take this session. Mac paced in the small bathroom wanting nothing more than to just leave. Things are fine the way they are right now, she thought. They weren't fighting, but their relationship wasn't perfect either. It never was, so why start now? Sighing, she looked in the mirror and tried to compose herself. Harm knew she was here so it was out of the question to leave unseen. And if she did, it meant putting this session off to another day, which was the absolute last thing she wanted.  
  
Taking another deep breath, Mac straightened her sweater and opened the door to begin her trek down the hall. Her mouth was dry and her palms sweaty-she felt like she was going into combat right now. Except she wasn't facing her mortal enemy-she was facing her best friend-someone who had been there for her through everything, good and bad. This had to work, she couldn't lose him. Not now-not this way! She only hoped that Harm wanted to make this work as well.   
  
Before grasping the handle to the door, Mac closed her eyes and offered up a silent prayer that whatever happens, she wouldn't lose her best friend. Putting her self-control in full throttle, she stood tall and opened the door. 


	11. Part 9b: Full Disclosure

Both Harm and Maddie looked toward the door as Mac strode in-head up, back straight and a smile on her face. During the brief time Maddie had come to know her, she recognized this facade. She could tell Mac was tense and trying her Marine damnedest to hide it. Rather than blow this cover, Maddie greeted her cheerily.  
  
"Hi Mac. Good to see you. Since we're all here, let's get started."  
  
"I'm ready if you are," Mac responded, a little too jovial. Harm regarded her carefully as he followed her into the office. He knew all too well when she was putting her game face on-and this was one of those times. As they walked through the door, Harm gently placed his hand on her shoulder, trying to quietly reassure her that all will be fine-eventually. Mac looked back at him and gave him a truly genuine smile.  
  
Maddie caught the gesture between the two friends out of the corner of her eye. She was pleased to see they were at least getting along. She watched them enter the room and take their usual places on the sofa while she gathered her note pad and file. Zolly, who had been asleep in front of the hearth, peeked out from under his bushy tail to see who was disturbing his nap. A stretch and a yawn later, he was on Mac's lap, eager for attention.  
  
"Zolly!" Maddie said, ready to chastise him for his boldness.  
  
"It's OK, I don't mind," Mac said as the furry creature nestled himself in her lap. She welcomed this distraction. Some of the earlier tension she felt was starting to slowly melt away with the attention she was giving Zolly behind his right ear.  
  
Having reviewed her notes earlier and seeing how tense Mac was today, Maddie decided to take this session a little slower. Their last appointment ended with Mac bolting when Harm came clean about his feelings surrounding her impending marriage. She knew they were walking this tightrope without a net. But, she was afraid that the slightest breeze from the past might make either one of them tumble into the abyss of heartache they were slowly bridging. Watching a distracted Mac sit stiffly on the sofa, Maddie knew she was making the right decision to pull the reins in a little.  
  
"Can I get either of you something to drink before we begin?" she offered before sitting down. Harm declined, but Mac gratefully accepted as Maddie handed her a glass of water.  
  
Getting comfortable in her chair, Maddie drew an uneasy breath. Whatever she said at this moment would set the tone for her client's session. Choosing her words carefully, Maddie began.  
  
"We ended our last session without discussing the homework I had assigned after our first meeting. Why don't we begin with that?"  
  
Harm looked puzzled at first, but then recalled what Maddie was talking about. He was prepared at the last appointment to discuss his "strengths and weaknesses", having had sufficient time to think about them and commit them to memory. They weren't written down but he figured it shouldn't be too hard to recall them. The thought crossed his mind to ask why Maddie wasn't going to continue where they left off last time, after telling Mac how he felt about her marrying Mic. He figured she had a good reason for not discussing it and decided not to bring it up-for the moment.  
  
Breathing a sigh of relief, Mac promptly opened her purse to retrieve her paper. Her movement disturbed Zolly, causing the cat to seek another spot for his nap. He leapt from her lap and crossed the room to his previous spot on the rug in front of the fireplace-content but not happy.  
  
As Mac found her paper Maddie noted it was a little tattered from being man-handled during the last session, but otherwise it seemed to be still readable. Mac was grateful Maddie wasn't beginning the session with a recap of their last venture into the past. Actually she was willing to even discuss the weather if it meant avoiding the whole situation entirely. But, for what it was worth, she could handle discussing strengths and weaknesses right now.  
  
"Your assignment was to list 3 of your strengths and 3 of your weaknesses. How did you both do?" Maddie asked.  
  
"I guess OK," was Mac's response, fiddling with the paper in her lap.  
  
Maddie looked toward Harm who, on the other hand, produced nothing that resembled a paper with words on it. He sat there, cool and collected, arms folded across his chest.  
  
"Harm, were you able to complete the assignment?" Maddie asked.  
  
"Yes I was."   
  
Maddie looked at him bewildered. "Did you forget your paper at home?"  
  
"No I didn't."  
  
Mac was finding this little exchange between Harm and Maddie all too amusing. He was frustrating her just like he frustrates everyone he comes in contact with. He was answering the questions like he was on the witness stand. Mac wondered how long it would take before Maddie threatens bodily harm unless she gets a straight answer.  
  
"OK, then, why don't you start, Harm. What are your three strengths?" Maddie said, her patience waning with every passing second.   
  
"Well, I had a hard time picking just three."  
  
"Why don't you just tell us the most important ones, then?"  
  
"OK. I am an excellent investigator; I have initiative and am quite perceptive. It's what makes me a successful lawyer."  
  
Mac was in mid-sip of her glass of water as Harm said "perceptive". She struggled to keep the water from going out her nose as she started coughing.   
  
Maddie looked toward Mac as she quickly composed herself. She motioned that she was OK, having noted her silent concern.   
  
She continued, "Harm, those are admirable qualities for a lawyer. But I am interested in Harm the person too-what would you say are his strengths?"  
  
Harm had a confused look on his face. After taking a moment to collect his thoughts he said, "The successful lawyer is what makes the person."  
  
"But, you were a person before you became a lawyer. I want to know what the 'person's' strengths are."  
  
"Well, before I became a lawyer, I was a pilot. So I probably would say . . . . ."  
  
Mac's amusement was turning into annoyance, "Harm, are you even listening to the question?" she said sarcastically, the pitch of her voice rising.  
  
Irritated, he replied, "Yes, I AM listening Mac! And if you would listen, I'm trying to answer the question!"  
  
Struggling to keep from choking him, Mac said, "Fine. Have it your way," punctuating her words with staccato-like effect, then turning her head to face Maddie.  
  
Maddie could only shake her head listening to the two of them bicker. It was like she was counseling an old married couple. They reminded her of her parents and how they would find something in everything to squabble about. Things always turned out OK-but only once they got past the nit-picking.  
  
Deciding to take control of the situation before there was bloodshed, Maddie interrupted by saying, "Harm, let's forget for a moment that you are a lawyer or that you were a pilot. Tell me how you see yourself."  
  
Harm didn't know how to answer that one. He could describe Harm the lawyer in 50 words or less. Harm the person was elusive to him. He never had to think in those terms before.   
  
"Well, I'm a hard worker; I know how to get things done," he paused, not knowing how to progress through this line of questioning. Remembering why they were here in the first place, he added with a smile, "stubborn, maybe."  
  
"Stubborn? Maybe control-freak is a better word," Mac quickly countered.  
  
Before the fireworks erupted again, Maddie interjected, "Why do you think you're stubborn?"  
  
"Maybe stubborn is too strong of a word. What I meant is that I don't back down easily."  
  
Mac started to laugh, just shaking her head. She was trying very hard to control her tongue and in an attempt to suppress her comments, it all came out as a laugh.  
  
Harm looked in her direction and said, "What?"  
  
"Nothing," she chortled.  
  
"Well, obviously you found something amusing in what I said."  
  
Intervening once again, Maddie directed her question to Mac this time, "Mac, something Harm said must have bothered you to cause such a reaction."  
  
Controlling herself, Mac said, "I just found his opinion of himself to be a little off the mark."  
  
"In what way?"  
  
"Yeah, in what way, Mac?" Harm snapped, as Maddie shot him a stay-out-of-it look.  
  
Fully composed, she looked in Harm's direction and said, "Sydney," briefly meeting his gaze and then turning away. She sighed deeply, looking toward the ceiling and then closing her eyes for a split second, as if trying to shut out a memory.   
  
All of a sudden Harm paled. He'd forgotten probably the one and only time he backed down-and it almost cost him dearly. He knew if he closed his eyes he could still hear the ferry and feel the mist of the water. Lost in thought, a far-away look caused his blue eyes to cloud over.  
  
We're not in Washington any more; we're not even on the same continent.  
  
That doesn't change who we are.  
  
Most men would disagree with you.  
  
I know, I disagree with me sometimes too.  
  
But you still can't let go.  
  
Not yet.  
  
Maddie was confused as she watched the looks pass between Harm and Mac-again that silent communication. She could practically hear their wounds opening up again. Try as she may, this taking it slow wasn't going to work today. There were too many ghosts to banish. And right now a very large one was looming in the form of someone or something called Sydney-whoever they or it may be. All of a sudden it dawned on Maddie. In her conversation with AJ he mentioned Australia. Could this Sydney be as in Sydney, Australia? What is the significance of Sydney in their past? Allowing the silence to continue enveloping the room, Maddie attempted to find the safest way to venture this latest journey into the past.  
  
"Tell me what's so significant about Sydney, Mac?" Maddie asked cautiously.  
  
"Nothing," Mac lied, hoping the subject would be dropped as quickly as she brought it up. She didn't know why she said it, but she did. Maybe subconsciously she needed to say it-to get those feelings off her chest. But now, it wasn't where she wanted to go.  
  
Maddie didn't want to let this subject just drop. But getting them both agitated would only spell disaster for this counseling session. So she made a quick note in her file and then decided to move on when a voice from the other side of the couch broke the silence.  
  
"Maybe it's something we should talk about, Mac," Harm said, his voice low as he stole a glance in her direction. Watching her carefully, he waited for a response. Seeing that she wasn't going to voice any objection, he took over the conversation.  
  
"Australia is where Mic Brumby is from," Harm started.  
  
"Mic Brumby?" Maddie asked trying to make a connection with the name. Harm had mentioned a Bugme in their last session, but it couldn't be the same person-could it?  
  
"Mac's former fiancee." Harm said as Maddie instantly made the Bugme/Brumby correlation. She nodded her head and smiled, trying hard not to snicker as it all came clear to her. Obviously Harm hated this Brumby guy enough that he attached a bizarre albeit funny nickname to him.  
  
"Harm, I don't think we need to go there with this right now." Mac said, wanting to change the subject-fast.  
  
Harm continued, ignoring Mac's comment, "I had been assigned to a case in Sydney that involved the Royal Australian Navy and the U.S. Navy. Brumby had spent some time with our JAG office before returning to Australia-that's how he and Mac met. While I was in Sydney, our CO sent Mac down as well. She met up with me as well as Brumby." Before continuing, he looked at Mac. She has to know where this is leading, he thought to himself. Yet, she quietly sits there.   
  
Mac shifted her position on the sofa, uncomfortable with the direction Harm was taking this session. Although she refused to meet his gaze, she could still feel his eyes on her-waiting for any sort of response from her. She had nothing to offer to the conversation-yet.  
  
"We went for dinner one night while we were there-part work related, part social. We got into a discussion regarding her, um, appearance on the beach with Brumby."  
  
"Appearance?" Maddie asked, confused.  
  
Mac covered her eyes slightly with her hand, knowing exactly where this was going.  
  
"I thought she had gone topless on the beach with Brumby-it's accepted practice there."  
  
As Mac groaned her displeasure with Harm's statement, Maddie was quite astounded. Oh my, this keeps getting better and better, she thought.   
  
"To make a long story short, before we left, she ended up with Brumby's ring."  
  
"Why leave out the most important part, Harm?" Mac said to him with a biting tone. "You can't tell a story and then leave out the most important part."  
  
Maddie set her note pad down and crossed her legs so they were comfortable. This wasn't what I had in mind for today, but I might as well get cozy-this could take a while, she mused, watching the interaction of her clients. She had no intention of breaking their momentum right now. There was the distinct feeling that what happened in Sydney was a closely guarded secret between them. Maddie decided to let them hash it all out unobstructed.   
  
"What part Mac? The part where you took his ring to get back at me?"  
  
"Get BACK at you? For what Harm? For pushing me away? I practically threw myself at you and you pretty much said 'not going there with you'."  
  
"That's NOT how I remember it Mac-not at all," Harm said standing up and crossing the room to the windows.  
  
"Go ahead, Harm. Run. Run away from your feelings-you've gotten quite good at it," Mac said with heat in her voice as she likewise stood, hands on her hips.  
  
"You have no idea what you're saying, Mac," Harm countered, pointing his finger at her for emphasis, "No idea, whatsoever!" Standing on the other side of the room, he watched the ire explode in Mac's eyes as she went into angry Marine-mode.   
  
"Oh, really? Then, enlighten me, please. I'm sure Maddie is just dying to know what the real reason is," she said loudly, motioning to the wide-eyed counselor sitting across the room from them.  
  
"We're supposed to be discussing strengths and weaknesses, and here you are rehashing the past."   
  
"Let's rewind here a little bit, Commander. I distinctly remember not wanting to discuss it. You, on the other hand, couldn't wait to just jump into the fire, could you?"  
  
"I could say the same about you. But, let's clarify a few things first. Number one, I never pushed you away. Number two, I never said that I wouldn't 'go there' with you," Harm said as he began to walk across the room in her direction. "And number three, I distinctly remember saying 'not yet'," he finished, standing mere inches from her, face to face, unflinching from her piercing stare. 


	12. Part 9c: Full Disclosure

Uncrossing her legs, Maddie moved to the edge of her seat, watching as their emotions overflowed into the room. So, I was right about one of them wanting a relationship, she mused. It was obvious Mac wanted to explore something more with Harm than just friendship. But, for whatever reason, he had backed away. The big question is why. Why wouldn't he want to take their friendship-their relationship-to the next level? And why would she take the ring of another man if it was Harm she wanted?  
  
As her recollection of that night became clearer, Mac backed down a little, no longer able to meet Harm's gaze.  
  
You're just like this with me aren't you?   
  
Yeah, only with you.   
  
I suppose I should be flattered.  
  
You should Sarah.   
  
Fleeing the past yet again, she walked around him toward the windows saying, "I'm sorry. I overreacted a little." Feeling the tears welling up inside her, Mac took a deep breath and suppressed them before they could make their appearance. Her heart was taking an emotional beating today and crying would only make it worse.  
  
Harm suddenly felt guilty for getting in her face about it, but he wanted to make it very clear to her that she was wrong about him pushing her away. The last thing he wanted to do was rehash that night; however, it all came out like water through a burst dam.  
  
"I'm sorry too," He said softly. Pausing, he added, "I know you didn't take the ring to get back at me. And, for the record, I would never push you away, at least not willingly." Taking a moment to collect his thoughts, Harm sighed, "I just wish I could understand why you went to him so quickly."  
  
Mac smiled sadly avoiding eye contact with him, "Mic was quite persuasive. My track record with men hasn't been the greatest. He genuinely was interested in me and a nice guy, despite what you think. Frankly, I probably was a little flattered by all the attention."  
  
Something about Mac's statement intrigued Maddie, so she made note of this in her file. She wondered if there was an underlying fear of being alone, although she couldn't quite understand why. Someone must have put this fear into her a long time ago, she thought.  
  
Continuing to look out the window, Mac became lost in her thoughts. Remembering Sydney brought back memories that she had long since buried. Harm had turned down the prospect of a relationship with her. And, for what it's worth, it still hurt her on some levels. She turned around and saw that Harm was still standing in the same spot she left him. He was looking at her-his eyes filled with regret. She wondered what was going through his mind right now.   
  
The last time they attempted to discuss this was the night of her engagement party-hardly the right time or place. That night was such a bevy of emotions it left her head spinning and her heart aching. There was nothing stopping her from finding out now. She needed to know. She had to know-why not her? So many questions were burning inside her-waiting, yearning to be asked.   
  
"Why are you only that way with me?" her voice nearly failed her as the words consuming her thoughts escaped her lips.   
  
Harm knew it was coming. They couldn't go back and revisit that night and avoid that question. He drew an uneasy breath, wanting to tell her the truth without making it sound inconsequential.   
  
"I was afraid, I guess," he said uneasily, unsure what sort of reaction she would have. He watched her expressionless face, wishing she would just get angry again. He deserved her anger for all he had put her through. Instead, she turned back toward the window, unwilling to meet his pained gaze.  
  
Maddie intently watched the exchange between the two friends. She momentarily waited for Mac to respond to Harm's statement, and when she didn't, Maddie decided to pick up the conversation where it was left off.  
  
"What were you afraid of, Harm?"   
  
"I guess you could add fear to my list of weaknesses," he said without really answering the question, continuing to look in Mac's direction. For as much as he wanted it to sound funny, it came out more like a desperate proclamation.   
  
Refocusing the question to no one in particular, Maddie said, "Something happened that night in Sydney. What was it?" She wanted one of them to shed some light on the incident so she could fully understand both of their motives.   
  
Harm and Mac were so engrossed in their past, they shut out the present, unknowingly ignoring Maddie's question. For them, they were back on that ferry passing under the bridge of destiny. Mac turned from the window and crossed the room to Harm. She couldn't get mad at him. He was as afraid to let go that night in Sydney as much as she was afraid to tell Mic no. After that night, she had tried to rationalize Harm's motives over and over, attempting to understand why he backed away. But, wrong or right, one thing stood out in her mind.  
  
"Is it because I look like her?" Mac asked tentatively, biting her lower lip for control. She really didn't want to go there, but she had to know. It was now or never.  
  
The session was taking on a life of its own. Harm and Mac were journeying down yet another twisted road of their relationship without a map, taking Maddie with them. Her own heart was pounding in her chest as this ride careened out of control. Now there was a "her" in the picture. She wanted so desperately to ask "Who is 'her'" but the precariousness of the present discussion stopped her. The "asking" would come later, but only when the dust had settled.  
  
Mac's words resounded like a gong in Harm's head. He recoiled at her words and his blue eyes grew wide with disbelief. Never in his life did he expect Mac to bring up Diane-especially here and now.   
  
"Mac, I never . . ." he gasped, wanting to clear up any misconceptions Mac had immediately. But, Mac wasn't giving him the chance.  
  
"Harm, there has to be some reason why you are only this way with me. Diane is the obvious one," she said, her voice quivering ever so slightly.  
  
Trying to regroup, Harm turned from Mac, completely stunned that she thought he still saw Diane in her. In an attempt to stall what she thought was a retreat, Mac grabbed him by the arm, "For God's sake, why can't you just tell me?" Her emotions were so jumbled up right now she didn't know how or what to feel. She caught her breath as her stomach twisted into knots when he looked at her, not knowing who or what he was seeing.  
  
"That's part of it, Mac. But it's not the reason." He reached up and caressed her cheek gently-a gesture Mac was almost sure involved a memory of Diane. His warmth penetrated her skin right down to her heart, making her gasp.  
  
"Then tell me, Harm. I'm here. I'm listening. I'm not going anywhere," she said softly, grasping the hand on her face in an attempt to express her desire to know.  
  
The pleading look in her eyes made Harm weak. This wasn't just a fleeting notion; she must have thought about this for some time, he mused. Sighing, he took Mac by the hand and led her to the sofa, motioning for her to sit. It was time to tell her.  
  
Completely engrossed in their discussion, Maddie watched as they settled on the sofa side-by-side. This wasn't her plan for today, but it was working, as far as she was concerned. In a matter of moments, Harm and Mac went from screaming at each other to a genuine heart-to-heart, extracting bits and pieces of the past to put the puzzle of their lives together. Right now the pieces were beginning to mesh-she could only hope that they would see the bigger picture-soon.  
  
"That night in Sydney, I saw only you," Harm said, his voice gentle and soothing. "And, when I look at you now, I see only you. I buried Diane a long time ago." His eyes locked with hers as he searched for her understanding.  
  
"But, you said it was part of . . ."  
  
"At one time," he quickly interjected. "But that's in the past."  
  
"Then why are you afraid?" she asked, her voice quivering, barely above a whisper.  
  
Harm took a deep breath, "Your life hasn't been easy. Every man you've ever trusted and loved has disappointed you." He paused, not sure how to put into words all he wanted to say without hurting her. "You are my best friend. If it didn't work and we lost that . . . it would be unbearable."   
  
"What makes you think you'll lose me?"  
  
"I'm not perfect, Mac. Some of the choices I've made haven't exactly turned out right."  
  
"Neither am I, Harm. Look at my past. Do you think I'm proud of what happened with Chris or with Dalton? Those were certainly not my finest moments."   
  
"But, you've trusted me and I've disappointed you too."  
  
Mac sat there and stared at Harm not knowing what to say. He seemed quite convicted in his belief that he disappointed her, albeit an unfounded belief.   
  
"Harm, I never said that you disappointed me. What would make you think that?"  
  
"That night you came to me to talk about Chris Ragle. Do you remember?"  
  
Mac nodded her head, sure yet still uncertain where he was going with this. She remembered the night very well. Her life had been turned upside down and the one person she needed to right it was otherwise occupied, with Bobbie Latham no less.  
  
"You needed me and I turned you away because Bobbie was there," he said. "That was the last time I ever let my hormones take control of my head," a slight snicker escaped his lips as he remembered that night.  
  
Acknowledging his words, Mac knew he was right. He did disappoint her that night. But before she could comment, he was rattling off another instance. It was like he kept a little black book of how and when he hurt her, recounting them one by one.  
  
"And the night that Mic left, I pleaded with you to come to me. And when you did, I essentially made you go away because of Renee'. That should have never happened-again, you needed me and I couldn't be there for you." Harm's eyes were filled with regret as the memory consumed him and tormented him.  
  
"Renee's father had just died. She needed you. I didn't expect you to walk away from her," Mac rebutted honestly.   
  
"But I . . ."  
  
"You had no way of knowing that was going to happen, Harm," she said adamantly.   
  
Mac watched Harm, trying to absorb what he was telling her. What he was saying was right-it did hurt her. But she didn't let those incidents consume her life as it had seemed that he did. Of course that night it wasn't clear as she drowned in her sorrow. But having had sufficient time to think about it, well, actually a few months, she had put the issue to rest.  
  
Maddie was astounded by the little snippets of their conversation. It seemed that so much of what had transpired between them was part pure misunderstanding and part stubbornness, each afraid to find out the truth. It was almost funny to her. Here they were-two successful lawyers who search for truth and justice-and they couldn't see the forest for the trees.   
  
Mac could feel her ire growing again-reacting to Harm's stubbornness. "I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I wasn't hurt-because I was-but that was then. You have to understand that you aren't like my father, or Chris, or Dalton. Part of what happened to me because of them made me the person I am today-I grew from those experiences. You could never fall into the same category as they did. You never set out to hurt me deliberately. Circumstances were different," Mac said, her voice beginning to resound in the room as she tried to get Harm to understand.  
  
Deciding she wanted to reel them in before their little moment became an all out blood bath once again, Maddie cleared her throat to make her presence known.   
  
The two officers looked at her startled. They had become so engrossed in the "who hurt who first" debate, they had forgotten that there was a third person in the room.  
  
Having sufficiently gotten their attention, Maddie's next task was to clarify a lot of points she had no clue about-mainly their past social lives-away from the military. So many names and instances were left floating in the air; she wished they had brought a cast list with them so she would know who the players were before they got anywhere. Since that wasn't the case, she had to venture into uncharted territory, praying that they left the lions and tigers and bears at home.  
  
"Mac, you brought your father into this discussion. Can you tell me about your relationship with him?" Maddie asked cautiously.  
  
Harm eyed Mac carefully, waiting for the fireworks to begin. This was and still is delicate territory for her, he thought. Seeing her bristle at the mention of him, Harm had braced himself for her next verbal onslaught. He wished he could have warned Maddie ahead of time, but now was definitely too late. 


	13. Part 10: The Heart of the Matter

~~~The Heart of the Matter~~~  
  
Instantly Mac's demeanor changed. Her eyes darkened over as the storm clouds rolled in. Sure, she had just told Harm she'd grown from that experience, but that didn't mean she had gotten over it. She was still profoundly affected by her childhood. Over the years she had found a place where she could hide those horrible memories and forget they existed. As far as she was concerned, her life had begun the day she set foot in the Marines. Now Maddie had found the key that unlocked the door to the closet of her past and the contents of her life came tumbling out.  
  
She stiffened and looked Maddie right in the eye, "What does my father have to do with THIS?" her voice resonating off the walls.  
  
Harm wanted to reach over and take her hand to calm her down, but thought better of it. When she was angry, the claws came out. Frankly, he was afraid that any sudden movement would result in bodily injury. So he retreated, at least for the moment, comforting her in his heart.  
  
"I think some of the issues you have with your father parallel your relationships with the men in your life," Maddie said cautiously, now fully aware that this was more than a sore subject with Mac. But she needed to explore this avenue to find the deeper issues-issues that obviously have driven her over the years.  
  
Suddenly Mac stood up from the space she shared on the sofa with Harm and began to pace the room. She needed to put her energy into something because her self control was going right out the window. As she paced, she absentmindedly played with her hair- alternately pushing it behind her ears or running her fingers through it.   
  
"My father was a drunk. He abused my mother and drove her away. Is that what you want to know?" she spat, furious that this was a discussion point.   
  
"But what was your relationship with him? Did he abuse you too?"  
  
Mac didn't have to give this question any thought, "If you call abandonment abuse, then yes."  
  
"I thought it was your mother that left? Your father did too?"  
  
"My father abandoned his family for the bottle. My mother left because she couldn't handle it anymore." Mac briefly stopped pacing and crossed her arms across her chest, staring Maddie down-practically daring her to continue this conversation.  
  
Maddie initially was under the impression that she and her mother left. Now it was becoming clear to her that Mac's mother had left her behind. What kind of mother does that to a child, she thought, trying to keep her own feelings beneath the surface enough to be objective, yet still care.  
  
"How did that make you feel?" Maddie asked, her voice even and steady.  
  
Mac snickered sarcastically at the question. "How did I feel? My mother took off-she abandoned her only child with an abusive alcoholic. How do you think it made me feel?" she responded, anger tinting her words yet again as she returned to pacing the room.  
  
Harm's heart was breaking for her. After her father died, Mac never spoke of him again, until today. For as much as he understood Maddie's motive, he also wished she would just move on-for Mac's sake. Watching her, he could practically see her teenage years flashing through her mind like the scenes from a horror movie.  
  
Maddie likewise watched Mac, continuing with her questions, yet careful how far she pushed her. She didn't want to submerge Mac so deep in the past without getting to the point of how it was affecting her relationships.   
  
Continuing, Maddie asked, "How old were you?"   
  
"I was 15 years old," Mac answered coldly, now refusing to make eye contact with either one of them, especially Harm. She knew her reserve would collapse if she even glanced in his direction. And Maddie-right now she was angry with her for broaching this subject.  
  
No matter what direction she moved, Harm's eyes never left her. He was all too afraid that if he blinked, she'd disappear into the black hole of her memories. So he kept his focus on his best friend, ready to jump in if the need arose; however, he keenly listened to the dialogue between the counselor and Mac-getting insight into what drove Mac, yet silently praying that her inquiries wouldn't backfire.  
  
"What did you do after she left?" Maddie asked, almost afraid to know the answer.   
  
"I did the only thing I knew. I started drinking."  
  
Mac's revelation didn't shock Maddie. In her practice she had counseled the children of alcoholics who turned to the bottle as a means of escape. It seems that this was exactly the route Mac had taken in her life, although she had fared better than most.   
  
"What happened during those years?"  
  
The concern in Maddie's voice helped Mac to relax a little. Her initial anger was starting to dissolve. "Most of my days were spent either drunk or hung-over. I left home when I was 17-although I did manage to finish high school."   
  
"Did your father ever physically hurt you?" Maddie asked, rephrasing her earlier question, just to be sure there weren't issues with physical abuse.  
  
Shaking her head, Mac said, "No. He was a miserable drunk. He paid the bills and attempted to give me a home in his own pathetic way. But he still made my teenage years living hell." She hesitated before continuing with a sarcastic laugh, "Of course he never could remember my name. I was always his stupid, tramp daughter and nothing more."  
  
After nearly wearing a hole in the rug from her maneuvers, a physically and emotionally depleted Mac went over to Maddie's desk. She sat down in the leather chair, resting her elbows on the desktop and intertwining her fingers. She hadn't talked about this in years and it felt odd, almost surreal, to rehash it all again. The last time she had discussed this with anyone was when her father had died, and she and her mother had talked-if that's what you want to call what we did, she thought.  
  
The pain of remembering what happened after she left home gripped her. Running her hands through her hair yet again, she recalled the rest hesitantly. "I got married to Chris Ragle when I was 18-I actually don't remember too much of it since I was drunk at the time." Mac's voice trailed off as she talked about that time in her life. She buried her face in her hands, trying to shut out all recollection of it. She refused to let the threatening tears find their way to the surface.  
  
Hearing about Mac's marriage, Maddie wondered if it had been a means of escape, just like turning to the bottle was. She was a teenager when her life had fallen apart. In order to find some solid ground, Mac had clung to whatever she could to survive-the bottle, Chris. Although the adult Mac sat before her, Maddie saw the scared little girl overwhelmed by her life and all alone, dwarfed by the huge desk.  
  
Mac was in a precarious state-teetering between the past and the present; anger and agony. It was killing Harm to watch her in such a state. He began to get up to go to her, but Maddie motioned for him to sit. He almost voiced his protest, but decided to trust that she was making the right decision.  
  
However, Zolly, who had been fully awake since Mac's initial outburst, found his way across the room and leapt onto Maddie's cherry desk. Almost as if he were sensing her distress, he pushed his way between her arms, purring for attention and rubbing his head against hers. Lifting her head from her hands, Mac stroked his back and nestled her face against his, finding some solace in the affection from the furry creature.  
  
Deciding it was time to pull Mac from the darkness that was her past, Maddie began to refocus her questions on her recovery years.  
  
"When did you get help for your addiction?"  
  
Mac continued to stroke Zolly as she answered Maddie, "It was after the accident. My best friend Eddie died in a car accident-the car I was riding in. We had been drinking." She stopped and took a deep breath, "I was 19. Chris was already doing 3 to 5 in prison for armed robbery." She paused, exhaling loudly before she continued. "My Uncle Matt took care of me-helped me dry out. He inspired me to join the Marines. If it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't be here today," Mac recalled with a sad smile.  
  
"Mac, I know this has been hard for you to talk about," Maddie said. "I'm sure it's a part of your life you'd rather forget. But, there's just one other question I have to ask."  
  
Moving her focus from Zoloft, Mac looked at Harm for the first time since the whole discussion about her father started. During the entire time she rehashed her "formative" years, she had avoided looking in his direction. Although he had kept silent, she knew he cared about what she was going through-she could feel his solicitude from across the room. But now, for some unknown reason, she needed to know he was alright with Maddie's persistence.   
  
Harm's heart skipped a beat as he locked eyes with Mac. Her anguish-filled eyes tore at him. But he knew that in order to make things right with each other, there were issues they both needed to get past. And how Mac's father had affected her life was one of them. He nodded his head once in acknowledgment, silently understanding what she had wanted from him as her best friend. Despite their differences and the multitude of directions they were pulled in, it was the one thing that remained constant in both their lives.  
  
Mac then turned to Maddie, acknowledging the impending question, "Go ahead-ask," her voice almost inaudible.   
  
Putting her file and pen on the floor, Maddie leaned forward in her seat and clasped her hands together. She looked directly into Mac's eyes. "Are you still angry with your father?"  
  
Standing up from the desk, Mac lifted Zolly into her arms, cuddling him. She strode across the room before setting him down, watching as he wove himself through her legs, unwilling to leave her side. She looked toward Maddie, regarding her carefully before she gave her answer.  
  
  
"I'm not angry at him anymore. I got over the anger and stopped making him part of my life. Hurt, maybe, but I'm not angry anymore. The anger died when he did three and a half years ago."  
  
Maddie sympathetically replied, "I'm sorry for your loss."  
  
"Don't be-I'm not. It's done and over with." Mac stated, trying to be matter of fact about it when her whole being was still in turmoil. Sighing, she went back to her place on the sofa with Harm, Zolly following her protectively. She hoped the journey into her past was over. As she sat down, Harm gently reached over and touched her arm, unsure if it was the right move or not. Mac patted his hand and smiled at him, grateful for his presence. He exhaled a sigh of relief, content that at the moment she wasn't too scarred from the discussion about her father.   
  
Still feeling drained, Mac wanted nothing more than to go home right now. Her internal clock told her that they had exceeded the normal 45 minute session, yet again. But Maddie looked as though she wasn't ready to end this just yet. Reaching down, she picked up Zoloft, who was still rubbing himself against her legs, and cuddled him, for as long as he would allow her to. She decided to make herself comfortable for whatever else Maddie had on the agenda.  
  
Since the discussion had begun as a need to get insight into Mac's relationships with men, Maddie brought the focus back around to it.  
  
"Having discussed your father, I believe that the relationship you had with him has made you feel unworthy of any man's love or affection."  
  
Mac started to protest mildly as Maddie, who wanted to make her point before giving her a chance to refute the facts, continued.  
  
"Your father never gave you the emotional security that comes from unconditional love. I believe that you are afraid of finding that unconditional love, so you settle for men you know you'll never achieve that with."  
  
A slight snicker escaped from her lips, "So, it wasn't the 'abuse me' sign I had around my neck after all."   
  
Her attempt at humor fell flat in the room; neither Harm nor Maddie saw any amusement in it. Seeing that neither one of them was laughing, let alone smiling, Mac pulled herself together. Guess that one will get me another hour on the couch, she thought. She was so tired now that she was getting giddy mentally. But she figured she better get a handle on things quickly if she had any intention of getting home today.  
  
For the first time in what seemed like forever, Harm spoke to her, "Mac, if you want to stop for today, just say the word," the concern evident in his voice.  
  
"I'm fine. Really, I am," Mac said, looking at him briefly before turning her attention back to Maddie.   
  
Watching how Harm emotionally connected with Mac, it suddenly hit Maddie that he had been giving her his unconditional love all along, unbeknownst to both of them. It wasn't that she didn't accept it or want it. Mac just felt that she was unworthy of it. And Harm never pushed her otherwise.   
  
Seeing how weary and pale Mac looked, Maddie decided to call it quits for the day. Today's session was enlightening for her, as she had hoped it was for Mac and for Harm. She also hoped that discussing her father would give Mac some closure on her past, helping her move forward in her life.  
  
"Considering the time and the emotional nature of our discussion, I think we should continue this on Friday. What do you think?" Maddie asked, posing the question to Mac.  
  
Mac was almost relieved to hear that the session was over for today. But, she looked at Harm for his opinion, unsure it was the right decision. He nodded his head, agreeing that they had all had enough for today.  
  
With a sigh of relief, Mac said, "What time on Friday?"  
  
"Let me check my calendar," Maddie said as she stiffly got up from her seat. Even though she'd shifted positions a few times, she was still sore from sitting for such a long time. Frankly, she was exhausted too. This session had become more than she ever anticipated and she felt that a nap right about now might be a good idea.  
  
Pulling a leather-bound book from her drawer, Maddie flipped through the pages until she found the date she was looking for. "How does two o'clock fit into your schedule?" she asked, looking at the two as they both stood from their positions on the sofa. Zolly, having been disturbed from his comfortable spot on Mac's lap, scampered toward the fireplace in search of another place to nap.  
  
"Fine," they both said simultaneously. As Mac slipped her jacket on, Harm reached over to help her, a warm smile passing between them as they prepared to leave.  
  
"Great," Maddie said as she penciled them in for Friday, "Then I will see you both at two o'clock. Any comments on today's session before you leave?"  
  
Mac shook her head as Harm said, "None that I can think of right now."   
  
Maddie moved from around the desk and met them in the middle of the room.  
  
"Mac, I know today was difficult for you. You're probably feeling emotionally exhausted or even drained right now-that's only natural-we've covered a lot today. But I believe we've made some progress. Please, keep that in mind as you go home, okay?" she said sincerely.   
  
"Thanks, Maddie," Harm said, extending his hand to her. Mac whispered a thank you as well. They both headed through the door into the outer room and then into the hall, as Maddie watched them leave. She knew she was doing the right thing, bringing the session to an end. Resurrecting the past, for as healing as it was, could also open up new wounds. This session had been particularly painful for Mac today and it so easily could have spelled disaster. But, having witnessed the silent accord between Harm and Mac, Maddie knew there wasn't anything to worry about. They would be there for one another and they would get through this-together.  
  
After her clients exited the office, Maddie went back into her office to retrieve their file from the floor where she had left it, only to find that Zolly had made himself comfortable on it. "Comfy, Zolly?" she said, with her hands on her hips, trying very hard to sound authoritative.  
  
"You've taken quite a liking to Mac, haven't you?" she said, bending down to pick up the immovable feline from his spot, as well as the file. He meowed loudly in protest of being disturbed, but gave into Maddie's affections nonetheless.   
  
"I'm not going to have to check her bag before she leaves next time, am I?" she asked him as they moved to the couch, where she could finally relax and review the notes from today's session. Zolly immediately made himself comfortable in what was usually Mac's spot on the sofa. Likewise getting comfortable, Maddie removed her shoes and sat at the other end, tucking her legs underneath her; the pages from Harm and Mac's file spread out before her. Well, another session chock full of surprises, she thought. Maybe I'll need the couch too by the time they're done-and a vacation!  
  
****  
  
Not wanting Mac to leave alone, Harm followed her closely as they entered the hallway. He could see that her fortitude was beginning to waver ever so slightly. She was a step or two in front of him, eager to leave, yet not running from the building.   
  
Mac wanted to hastily retreat from the building and head home to the solitude of her apartment, but her body wouldn't let her. She felt like her feet were full of lead and her heart was about to break. Images of her past were dancing in her head making her dizzy and nauseated.  
  
Concerned, Harm gently grasped her arm saying, "Mac, are you alright?" stopping her and turning her around to face him. As she did, he could see her eyes brimmed with tears as whatever resolve she had left crumbled into a million pieces. Doing the only thing he instinctively knew, he pulled her into his arms as she surrendered herself to the tears consuming her; her body threatening to collapse onto the floor. Every ounce of energy she had was now completely and utterly gone.   
  
Keeping her from falling, he cradled her in his arms, silently allowing her emotional release from the afternoon's events. He fought back his own tears, wondering if it weren't for his own stubbornness over the years, would she even have been in this emotional mess right now. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, and right now he felt that he unknowingly did just that by dragging her down with him. Reliving her past was the last thing he ever wanted her to do. Rather than opening his mouth and saying something he would eventually come to regret, he decided he would just hold her-for as long as she needed.  
  
****  
  
They stood there for what seemed like an eternity. Harm had his back against the wall for support while Mac was enveloped in his arms, her face buried in his sweater, his chin resting on her head. He was afraid to move or to speak. Not that he was afraid of ruining the moment, but he wanted to give Mac the silence to collect her thoughts and regain her composure. Knowing her all these years, she wasn't the type who easily fell apart emotionally. The only recent incident he could recall, other than the day Bud was injured, was when he went down in the Atlantic on the eve before her since-aborted wedding. And he had only heard of her distress that night from Bud and Harriet, not having witnessed it firsthand.  
  
Mac's sobs were finally giving way to easy breathing. She gently extracted herself from Harm's embrace, wiping her face with her hands. Harm was a little reluctant to let her go, but he didn't want to smother her either. As she pulled away from him, she looked up into his face, and silently wondered what she must look like. He gently smiled at her, reaching up and wiping a stray tear from her cheek.  
  
"You alright?" he softly asked.  
  
Nodding her head, she said "yes" and then "thank you".  
  
Pulling her composure together, Mac quietly added, "It's getting late. I should be going." She adjusted her jacket and slowly started to leave.  
  
Harm wasn't comfortable with the idea of Mac driving home alone. But he didn't know how to address it without sounding too overprotective, or like some man out to take advantage of an emotional woman-which was the farthest thing from his mind.  
  
"Mac, are you sure you're OK to drive?" he asked cautiously, hoping he was saying the right thing.  
  
She stopped, regarding the question carefully as she glanced in his direction, "I think I'll be alright, Harm." Mac paused, wanting to say something else, but she hadn't yet convinced herself it was the right idea. Deciding to say it anyway, she added, "If it would make you feel better to follow me home, you can."  
  
Harm smiled, saying, "It would make me feel better, thanks."  
  
He bent down and picked up her purse from the place it had landed on the floor earlier. As he handed it to her, their fingers brushed-eerily reminiscent of a similar moment from their past. Choosing to let the moment be what it was, they walked in silence down the steps to the cobblestone street below. 


	14. Part 11a: Stormy Seas and Safe Harbors

~~~Stormy Seas and Safe Harbors~~~  
  
Walking down the stairs, the echo of Mac's shoes on the steps thundered in her head, intensifying the dull ache already there. She welcomed the coolness of the railing as she grasped it with her right hand to steady her descent. Unable to see Harm's expression as he walked behind her, Mac wondered what was going through his mind at the moment. So much had come out during the session today-the night in Sydney, the impact of her father on her life. She couldn't even begin to digest everything right now. All she wanted was respite from the past and all its torment.  
  
Since they had left the second floor hallway Mac hadn't said a word, just an occasional sigh. It had been a long time since Harm had seen her in such an emotional state and it tore at him to know she was hurting and he didn't know where to begin to make it better. Instead of pushing her to talk about it, he continued to walk with her out of Maddie's building, keeping a protective step behind. The early evening darkness was already illuminated by the glow from the streetlights, causing their shadows to mingle with one another as they crossed the street to her car.  
  
Ever since they had left Maddie's office, he had been entertaining the idea of driving her home. But he knew he would be given the "I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself" speech that he'd heard so many times before. And of course leaving her Corvette behind would have never been an option for her.  
  
As they approached her car, Mac already had her keys out. He waited while she opened the door and slid behind the wheel. Harm then stooped down by the open door to peer in.  
  
"I'm parked up the street a bit-give me a minute and I'll be right behind you. Okay?" He was a little concerned that she might change her mind about having him follow her home. But seeing how drained she looked he knew she wouldn't give him a fight.  
  
Deciding to broach his idea with her after all, Harm said, "Look, Mac, you're tired. I think it would be best if I drove you home."  
  
"You're kidding, right? Leave my car here?" she said almost incredulously. "I'm alright to drive home-really." Seeing the serious look on his face Mac knew he wasn't kidding. He was right, she was incredibly tired and she truly wasn't looking forward to driving either. Even thought it was only about a twenty minute ride, when you're exhausted, twenty minutes could feel like forty.   
  
Contemplating his suggestion, she asked, "What about my car?" His idea had better include a contingency plan for my Corvette, she thought.   
  
"I'll drive you home in it. When we get to your place, I'll call Sturgis for a ride back to get my car," Harm explained, silently hoping that Sturgis was home so he could retrieve his own car when all was said and done.  
  
Too worn-out to argue with him, Mac nodded and said, "Okay" in a weary voice. The session today had taken the life right out of her. Maddie had warned her that she would feel exhausted and she did, but her whole body ached as well. Her only concern at the moment was getting home and going to bed-no matter how that was accomplished.  
  
She climbed out of the car and walked around to the passenger side, opened the door and slid in. Harm shut the car door for her and watched her buckle up before returning to the driver's side and getting behind the wheel. Glancing briefly in her direction to make sure she was okay, he then started the car and pulled away from the curb, beginning the journey to her apartment.  
  
Harm thought about finding something soothing on the radio, but wondered if it would be too much for her at the moment. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mac rub her temples-a gesture he'd seen dozens of times before-usually accompanying a headache. So he decided to let silence envelop the vehicle instead.  
  
Mac knew he meant well by driving her home, but she also hoped that he wouldn't want to talk about today's session either. Frankly, she had had enough. Right now her head was throbbing, but her emotional collapse was the icing on the cake, as far as she was concerned. For a split second, she berated herself for falling apart like that in his presence. In the same instance, she was grateful he was there to catch her. Had this happened when she was 19, it would have resulted in a drinking binge.   
  
Mentally she ticked off the years and months since her last drink-Dalton Lowne's death-4 years 8 months-an accomplishment to say the least. It certainly wasn't one of her finest moments, she recalled. Harm had tried to reach out to her and she had reacted by pointing out his faults when she was clearly the one with the issues. Now this, she thought. She briefly glanced in his direction, wondering where all these issues would take them this time. Harm looked in her direction, a concerned expression filling his face. Mac whispered "thanks," allowing her lips to form a small smile. Harm returned the smile, saying "Anytime."  
  
****  
Georgetown  
1855 hours  
  
Before long, they were pulling up in front of Mac's apartment. Harm parked the 'vette and exited it before Mac had even unbuckled her seatbelt. He opened the door for her, watching as she retrieved her purse from between the two seats and got out. There was so much he wanted to say, but he couldn't. Rehashing everything that transpired today would do more harm than good. So, he stood there, trying to gauge her emotions before saying goodnight.   
  
Mac was incredibly relieved to be home. Harm was in over-protective mode at the moment-and although she was grateful-she truly wanted to be alone. They stood there facing each other, neither knowing what to say at the moment. Mac shivered slightly as the cold autumn wind swirled around her. Craving the warmth of her apartment she started walking toward the door to the building, and noticed that Harm wasn't following her. She turned to see him still standing by the car, pulling his phone out to call Sturgis.   
  
"Harm, don't bother," she called to him, "You can use the phone in my apartment."  
  
He hesitated, "I don't want to intrude, I just thought you'd want some time alone."  
  
"I do. But, I'm not going to let you freeze to death either," Mac said, "Besides, it's the least I can do-you did drive me home." Standing just inside the open door, she motioned for him to follow her in.  
  
Moments later, they were in the hall outside Mac's apartment. Unlocking the door, Mac made her way into the room, turning on the light as Harm followed her. Once he was inside, he shut the door behind him. She tossed her purse on the table and removed her jacket, laying it over the back of one of the chairs. The first item on her agenda was the aspirin. She headed into the bathroom and quickly gulped the pills and some water. Returning to the living room, Mac was too tired to do anything else at the moment, so she collapsed onto the sofa with a sigh, kicking off her shoes.  
  
Harm took off his jacket and laid it on top of hers. Not wanting to overstay his welcome, he walked over to her phone and dialed Sturgis' number. After about two rings, he picked up.  
  
"Hello?"   
  
"Sturgis, its Harm. Are you busy?"  
  
"Not at the moment. What's up?"  
  
"I need a favor. Could you pick me up at Mac's?"   
  
"Sure. Something happen to your Lexus?" he asked hesitantly, curious as to why his friend needed a lift-especially from Mac's.  
  
"No, I just need a ride," Harm said, looking in the direction of the sofa and Mac, not really wanting get into things right now with Sturgis. He had wanted to keep the information to a minimum, for both their sakes.  
  
"Give me 25 minutes-okay?" Sturgis replied.  
  
"That's great. Thanks, buddy, I appreciate it," Harm said, hanging up the phone, relieved that Sturgis didn't cross-examine him at the moment.  
  
He turned around to see Mac still sitting on the sofa, head against the back with her eyes closed. From this distance he couldn't tell if she was asleep or awake and just resting her eyes.  
  
"Hey, you okay?" he asked quietly.  
  
"Um . . . fine," was the mumbled reply.  
  
"Sturgis should be here in 25 minutes." He paused, and then asked, "Do you want some tea or maybe something to eat?"   
  
"Tea sounds good," she said, attempting to get up.  
  
"Don't get up-I think I can find the water and the teabags," Harm said as he walked into the kitchen.   
  
"Okay-thanks," she said resting her head on the back of the sofa and closing her eyes again. The tea was the only palatable thing she was interested in at the moment. When her earlier nausea had finally left her it also took her appetite with it. Now, exhaustion was clearly winning this battle.   
  
In the kitchen, Harm set the kettle on the stove to boil while he retrieved the tea bags from the canister, occasionally peering out to make sure Mac was alright. By the time the kettle boiled and he had steeped the tea bags, Mac was sound asleep on the sofa.  
  
Walking into the living room, he softly called her name. When there wasn't a response, he set the mugs down on the coffee table, noticing she didn't move even as the stoneware clanked together. Wavering between leaving her be and making sure she was comfortable, he decided on the latter. Harm gently picked her up-careful not to disturb the sleeping Marine-and carried her into the bedroom, gingerly placing her on the bed. He covered her up with the blanket that was folded at the bottom of the bed. She never even stirred from her deep sleep.  
  
"Good night, Sarah," Harm said softly as he brushed the hair out of her eyes. "I promise things will get better."  
  
Waiting a minute or two to make sure she didn't wake, he then left the bedroom. After returning the mugs to the kitchen, he retrived his jacket from the chair where he left it. Scanning the apartment one last time, he turned out the lights and left-locking the door behind him. 


	15. Part 11b: Stormy Seas and Safe Harbors

When Sturgis drove up, Harm was sitting on the step outside Mac's apartment, patiently waiting in the cold-his jacket tightly zipped and his hands in his pockets for warmth.  
  
Sturgis watched as Harm quickly strode to the car and got in.  
  
"Thanks, Sturgis. I appreciate it. Ah, and you have the heat on-great-I'm freezing."  
  
"Not a problem, Harm," Sturgis said. Curiosity getting the better of him, he decided to got for it and ask what the hell was going on. Harm was rarely without his vehicle so something must have happened.  
  
"So, what's going on? What happened to your car? It wasn't stolen, was it?" Sturgis asked, pulling his car away from the curb.  
  
Harm shot his friend a confused look and then realized he hadn't told Sturgis where to retrieve his car from.  
  
"It's in Old Town Alexandria-I left it there."  
  
"Why did you leave it there-did it break down?"  
  
"This isn't going to be 20 questions, is it Sturgis? Because if it is, I'm walking."  
  
"Come on, Harm-I'm just asking. So what gives?"  
  
Harm sighed, wondering what he should tell Sturgis-if anything-about why he needed a ride. What was going on between him and Mac was their business. Although, he was quite sure there was scuttlebutt around the office as to what was going on-the counseling-he didn't want it coming from him.  
  
Picking up on his friend's uneasiness, Sturgis decided to let it drop, saying, "Look, Harm, whatever it is, I'm sure there's good reason for it. Let's leave it at that. Okay?"  
  
"Yeah, it was a good reason. Thanks for understanding," Harm said. He hoped that Mac was okay-and that she wouldn't be too pissed that he carried her into the bedroom. He'd have to get his defense in order for that one.  
  
During the drive to Old Town Alexandria, the conversation was kept light. Sturgis kept Harm up to date on the cases as well as Bud's progress for the PEB, managing to monopolize the chit-chat for the entire ride. Harm only heard half of what he was saying. His mind was elsewhere, occupied by thoughts of Mac and where all this uncertainty would lead.   
  
Today was stressful for both of them. Mac-because she had to relive the horridness of her teenage years. And Harm-because he had felt powerless to stop the avalanche of memories that brought her crashing down.  
  
With the lack of traffic on the roads, the ride to Old Town Alexandria didn't take very long. Sturgis dropped Harm off without another question. Seeing his car in the exact space he left it, he thanked his friend for the ride and scurried in the direction of his vehicle, eager for the solitude of his apartment.  
  
****  
  
Mac's Apartment  
2315 hours  
  
Images were dancing around her dizzily. Muffled voices, then screaming shattering the silence. She cowered in her bed; those voices were just behind the closed door. Shattering glass startled her; and then crying-smothered by empty apologies, yet again. One vision blended into another. Now it was the jarring of a vehicle as it slammed into something-then the darkness of unconsciousness and the feeling of loss. Suddenly it all faded into a body-cradled in her arms-blood and death surrounding her on the pavement. The figures were now spinning-a man was grabbing her and . . . a gun-a flash of brightness-the explosion from the barrel piercing her eardrums. The thud of a body falling, the bright red of his blood spilling onto the rug. The cold air of death was filling the room and her lungs-trying to suffocate her.  
  
The pictures changed again. Now she was walking into a room-a maze-full of doors and mirrors. Voices were echoing off the cold glass-"Do you love him?"  
  
"That's not a question you get to ask." Her voice, her words. She tried to find a way out of the room but the mirrors trapped her, spinning her around in her subconscious.  
  
Again a voice -this time an accent-"I was sitting here wondering who you'd go to first. I have my answer."   
  
Then more voices-familiar ones-"Come to me . . . you know the reason."   
  
"Anyone who has ever been involved with Mac is either dead or feels like they are."  
  
The nightmare consumed Mac. Bed sheets were tangled around her legs as she tossed and turned, trying to run from her past. She struggled with the sounds and images that were drowning her, hovering perilously between sleep and wakefulness. She clung to the blanket for dear life, attempting to keep herself from getting lost in the labyrinth of her past.   
  
Suddenly the dream demons released her from their grip and she was sitting up in bed-completely drenched in sweat and confused. Her heart was pounding almost uncontrollably in her chest, making her gasp for air. She didn't know where she was or how she got there. As her body and her mind slowly adjusted, she realized she was in her apartment, in her own bed, still in the clothes she had worn earlier. There was a vague recollection of Harm and something about tea, but everything else was just a blur.   
  
The apartment was dark, except for a dim light streaming through the curtains from the lamppost outside. She had no idea what time it was-her mind was still so clouded. Judging by the darkness outside, she figured it was late. Unsure if she was by herself, she called out, "Harm?" quietly at first, then a little louder. She was alone and suddenly panic was gripping her.   
  
Quickly she turned on the bedside light and reached for the phone, pushing numbers she hoped were the right ones.  
  
Picking up on the first ring, the voice on the other end groggily said, "Rabb."   
  
"Harm. . ." Mac said with a desperation filling her already shaky voice.   
  
By now Harm was wide awake at the frantic sound of her voice. "What's wrong-you okay?" he said, turning on the light and sitting straight up in bed.   
  
"I had a horrible dream. I couldn't wake up and I . . ." she cried into the phone, clinging to the receiver like a lifeboat, the soothing sound of his voice a beacon in the darkness.   
  
"Mac . . . relax . . ." Harm was out of bed, pacing the floor as he spoke with her, the anguish in her voice ripping his heart out. I knew I should have never left her alone, he thought, chastising himself for leaving.  
  
"I'm just . . . I'm sorry . . . I'm sorry for all this," she gasped for breath, struggling to control her emotions. Her sobs were choking her words. She pulled the blanket back up over herself, shivering in the coolness of the room.  
  
"Hey . . . you have no reason to be sorry for anything," he said emphatically, "Now-I want you to take a deep breath-okay?"  
  
"Okay," Mac replied, complying with Harm's request. She inhaled sharply then blew it out with a huff.   
  
Hearing her do it, he asked, "Feel any better?"  
  
"No," she said, a slight chuckle mingling with her tears, "Am I supposed to?"  
  
"That was the general idea," he countered with a smile in his voice.   
  
She snickered at his comment and then took another deep breath, calming herself now that she had him on the phone, consoling her. Harm could hear her breathing beginning to return to normal-she was no longer sobbing or gasping for air as she was when he answered the phone. For this he was grateful.   
  
Moving back to his bed, he lay down again, cradling the phone against his ear. He silently wished he were there with her so he could hold her and comfort her like he did in the hallway at Maddie's. She felt so good in his arms-almost as if she belonged there. So much wasted time had passed-time that he regretted. But now wasn't the time for regrets. The opportunity had come to make things right with their lives through the counseling. And for as stressful as it had become, he could see a light at the end of the tunnel.  
  
Neither one knowing what to say or do next, they allowed a comfortable silence to fall between them. It had been a long time since one went running to the other for a safe haven in a storm.   
  
**Mac . . . where are you going?  
  
I don't know.  
  
Come to me.  
  
Why?  
  
So we can talk.  
  
We already talked.  
  
Don't argue with me.  
  
I need a better reason.  
  
You know the reason . . . Mac?  
  
I'm here.  
  
I'm waiting.**  
  
Mac recalled that night with sadness. Her life had fallen apart and it seemed like it was the beginning of the end. Things had turned out differently back then-for both of them. So much had happened since then too-more so recently. But she had to admit that despite the recent anguish, getting counseling for their problems was appropriate. There were issues to contend with, but it was a necessary evil to fix that umbrella of trust and faith they had frequently sought refuge under.  
  
Realizing there was dead air over the phone, Mac quietly said, "Harm?"   
  
"I'm still here." The calmness of her voice was music to his ears. "You okay?"  
  
"Uh huh," she replied, leaning back into the pillows on her bed.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it-about the dream?" he asked gently.  
  
"Not really." Well, I do, but I don't want to, she thought.  
  
"Okay." Harm didn't want to push her. If she wanted to tell him, she would. And he'd be there when she did.  
  
Again, silence.  
  
"What are you thinking about?" Harm queried.  
  
"Just wondering."  
  
"Wondering what?"  
  
"Why we let it get this far."  
  
Harm knew exactly what she was talking about. It was that question that had consumed his thoughts lately-why did they let the rift between them grow into a chasm, nearly destroying their friendship? He wished he could turn back the clock and take back every derisive word he had spoken in the court-room that day. He wanted their friendship back, yet he wanted something more. He didn't want to have to imagine his life without her in it-not for one second.  
  
"I don't know, Mac. I wish I had the answer to that," he replied, wanting to say so much more, but holding back-for now.  
  
"Me too," she said, her voice almost inaudible.   
  
Minutes had gone by since Mac's "me too". Neither of them had wanted to break the tranquility of their silence nor break their connection. Content, they sat there, joined together by a phone line, each taking comfort in hearing the other breathing. Words were hardly enough to convey what their hearts and souls felt at that moment.   
  
Harm was the first to fall asleep, the phone still gripped in his hand and against his head. His even breathing wafted into Mac's ear-a gentle lullaby crooning her into a peaceful, dreamless sleep. 


	16. Part 12: The Wisdom to Know the Differe...

~~~The Wisdom to Know the Difference~~~  
  
0645 hours (Thursday)  
  
Mac's Apartment  
  
The soft pitter-patter of raindrops falling on the windowsill gently roused Mac from the restful sleep she had finally fallen into. Her eyelids fluttered briefly before she opened them completely, attempting to adapt to the gray early morning light filtering through the curtains. She stretched slightly, wanting her body to adjust to wakefulness before getting out of bed.   
  
Moving her arm from beneath the pillow she clutched, Mac discovered that there was something gripped tightly in her right hand. As she brought it up in front of her face, she was astonished at the sight of the phone she still held. Well, I've never done that before, she chuckled, figuring out fairly quickly that she had fallen asleep while still on the phone with Harm. She held it to her ear and didn't hear anything. Only after clicking the "talk" button a few times did she realize that the battery had run down having been on all night. Mac reached over to the night stand and placed it back on the charger, hoping that the battery wasn't completely dead, otherwise her plans for today would have to include a trip to the mall to purchase a new one.   
  
Mac adjusted the blanket covering herself and noticed that she was still clad in her clothes from yesterday. Wonder how I managed that, she thought, trying to recall what happened after she got home from Maddie's. The last thing she remembered was getting some aspirin and sitting on the sofa while Harm went into the kitchen to make tea. She couldn't remember anything between that and the nightmare. Maybe Harm can fill in the details later, Mac mused.   
  
Harm. I wonder if his phone is as dead as mine, Mac thought looking at her phone on the charger. She had contemplated calling him, but that would mean getting out of bed to use the other phone. She snuggled further under the covers, content to stay in bed for the moment. Besides, knowing Harm, he's probably still incoherent, she thought with a smile.  
  
Sighing, she shuddered for a split second, loosely recalling the nightmare that had terrorized her last night. Rehashing her past for Maddie had truly worked on her subconscious, manifesting itself in a dream too bizarre to even try to decipher. But, oddly enough, seven and a half hours after her passage to the dark side, she felt a sense of relief. The demons of her past that had haunted her were now gone. She remembered waking from the nightmare and calling Harm in a panic, wanting-needing-reassurance that she was alright. They didn't talk much; she just took comfort knowing that he was on the other end of the phone, being her anchor on a stormy night.   
  
Yesterday was a hell of a day, by her standards. Mac never had imagined that she would have to deal with her father again, especially in the context of her relationships with men. This therapy was supposed to be about her and Harm, and their inability to communicate and get along. Mac mused for a moment. Now really, what does my father have to do with Harm and me? "I guess I just don't get it," she said aloud.   
  
Laying there with the covers pulled up to her chin, Mac thought about her father. She never used the word "dad" when she talked about him, because using that word would imply a parental intimacy-a connection-and she had neither with him. She tried using the word, saying it out loud, "Dad." But it burned her tongue and tasted bitter in her mouth, so she refused to utter it in conjunction with thoughts of him again.   
  
Momentarily lost in her memories of her father, Mac reached into the drawer of the nightstand, and pulled a worn leather wallet from amongst the papers that resided there. She hadn't looked at it since the day she placed it there three and a half years ago. Mac turned it over in her hands, fingering its soft cowhide. Then she brought it to her nose, drinking in its musty scent. Reaching for the bedside light, she turned it on. In its soft glow, Mac opened the billfold and pulled out newspaper clippings that were stashed inside. The tattered and yellowed paper bore her image and words about her career. She looked at the mementos like they were written in a foreign language she couldn't comprehend. Why would a man who ruined his life with alcohol and was so hell-bent on driving his family away, keep such reminders?   
  
Father Genaro, the priest who ran the hospice where her father died, had told Mac that her father was proud of her and wanted forgiveness for his sins. Was he truly repentant or just a dying man wanting to get through the Gates of Heaven? Or was he, despite his alcoholism, just like any other father-wanting the best for his daughter and boasting of her accomplishments?  
  
Mac didn't have an answer. Since her father had slipped into a coma before she got there and then died, she would never know the answer to those questions plaguing her mind. The best she could do was come to terms with what it was and go on with her life. She overcame her alcoholism, but now it was up to her to overcome the lack of fatherly influence in her life.  
  
Closing her eyes briefly, she was back in Maddie's office, reliving the session from yesterday. She could hear Maddie's voice declaring, "Your father never gave you the emotional security that comes from unconditional love. I believe that you are afraid of finding that unconditional love, so you settle for men you know you'll never achieve that with."  
  
In the grand scheme of things, Maddie was probably right, Mac thought. She constantly felt like she was searching for something, but always came up empty-handed. But was it love or unconditional love as Maddie had named it? There were relationships over the years, some significant and some not. Other than her marital mistake with Chris, the only relationships with any significance in her life were Mic . . . and Harm.   
  
She looked at the clippings one last time before stuffing them back where they came from in the wallet. Opening the drawer again, Mac returned it to its resting place and shut it with a thud. For the moment she was content to close the book on that chapter. She lay back against the pillows, pulling the blanket up over her body once more, seeking warmth from the chill that was dancing over her skin.   
  
Some things were nagging at her-were there deeper feelings for Mic that got lost along the way or was I just settling for him? And Harm, where did he fit into this equation? Here was a man who she considered her one true friend-her best friend. Theirs wasn't a relationship in the intimate sense of the word, but that didn't mean it wasn't a relationship. She was sure that her feelings for him went deeper than that of friendship.   
  
**There seems to be a certain tension with you two.  
  
Some.  
  
A lot.  
  
Look, you're missing the point, Sturgis.  
  
Come on, Mac.  
  
I - I've never slept with him.  
  
Is that the problem?  
  
There is no problem.  
  
Then why don't you just get over it and move on?  
  
It wouldn't work.  
  
Why?  
  
Because I'm in love with him.**  
  
That little revelation to Sturgis seemed like a lifetime ago. It wasn't like she didn't mean it-she did. The one thing that was far from crystal clear was how Harm felt about her. He was one who always played his cards close to his chest. Occasionally he allowed her a glimpse of what could be, but at the moment of truth he always shut down.   
  
The closest he had ever come to telling her what was in his heart was during their session with Maddie on Monday-"I wanted it to be me you were marrying, not Bugme". Those were the words she had wanted to hear, especially that night on the Admiral's porch, but he never said them. And now he was telling her he was afraid-afraid of losing her, afraid of hurting her. She wanted to ask him, "Am I worth the risk?" But her own fears kept her from asking that question. Mac wondered if he still had those feelings or if they were words born from a fear of losing her. And, where did they stand with each other besides being friends? For all intents and purposes, it was like they were starting over.   
  
Yesterday was emotionally draining and the one thing that was very clear in her mind was Harm. She was distraught and he was right there with her-beside her-giving her support and being there unconditionally. Damn, there was that word again, Mac thought. "Maybe later I'll have to get old Mr. Webster out and look up the definition," she chuckled to herself, turning over on her side and scrunching the pillow under her head with her arms.   
  
Same time  
  
Harm's apartment  
  
Groggily, Harm rolled over onto his stomach, sliding his hands under the pillow, trying to snuggle in for a few more minutes of sleep. As he did this something fell to the floor with a thud. The sound jarred him fully awake, his eyes snapping wide open. He propped himself up on his arms and then rolled over onto his back, listening for whatever caused that noise. Deciding he must have been dreaming, he yawned and then stretched his arms above his head. Yeah, I know I should be getting up, he thought, but it feels good to just lie here, especially after yesterday.   
  
Yesterday. Mac. Thoughts of her and her phone call to him in the middle of the night came flooding back to him in a rush. The anguish in her voice had pulled him from a deep sleep, frightening him. He had never known her to have nightmares before, at least none that she ever willingly shared with him. Whatever she dreamt about last night had terrified her enough to call him.   
  
Worried, Harm sat up in bed and reached over to get the phone to call her, only to find it wasn't there. Remembering the "thud", Harm looked over the side of the bed and saw the phone lying on the floor. Dammit, I must have fallen asleep while on the phone with her. God, I hope she's OK, he thought, quickly picking it up and putting it to his ear. He doubted she was still on the line since it was hours ago. Giving a quick listen and punching a few buttons, he found out the battery in the phone was dead. Cursing, Harm threw off the covers and quickly jumped out of bed in search of his cell phone.  
  
****  
  
The ringing of a phone startled Mac, shaking her from the trance she had settled into. She eyed the hand piece sitting on the charger base near her bed and realized that it wasn't the one ringing. Grabbing the blanket and wrapping it around herself for warmth, she sprinted into the kitchen to answer the one there before the machine would.   
  
"Mackenzie," she said breathlessly, grabbing the phone on the fourth ring.  
  
"Hey, good morning," Harm said. He was grateful that she had answered the phone and not the machine. He inwardly heaved a sigh of relief as he sunk into the chair in the living room. Even though he was anxious to find out how she was, he decided he would do his best to keep the conversation light despite the pounding of his heart in his chest.  
  
"Well, good morning yourself," Mac said smiling at the sound of his voice. She settled on the sofa with the phone, pulling her knees up and rewrapping the blanket securely around herself.   
  
"Did you sleep alright?" Harm asked soothingly yet with a concerned tone. He could tell by her voice that things were better than they were last night. Although, he still wished he had stayed with her or at least gone to her last night; if not for her solace, but for his own peace of mind.  
  
"I did, thanks to you," Mac said, "So, your phone seems in better shape than mine."  
  
"Cell phone. How about yours?"  
  
"Kitchen phone. The one in the bedroom is just a tad under the weather," Mac said. Hearing his voice on the other end and its soothing, docile tone, she remembered how he was there for her last night, calming her. She paused, trying to find the words she wanted to say to him.   
  
"Thanks Harm," her voice soft and tender, the words coming from that place in her heart where she kept all her daydreams. It was all she could manage right now. Merely saying those two words didn't seem enough to her. But at the moment, its simplicity and the emotion in her voice tugged at Harm's heart and made him catch his breath.  
  
  
  
Regaining his composure, he asked, "For what?" Harm knew she meant it but that didn't mean he understood why any thanks was necessary. He was just doing what came naturally for him-caring about her.   
  
"For being there last night for me," she said softly.   
  
"I'm just glad you're okay," Harm said, that little catch still in his voice. "I was worried . . . you are okay, aren't you?"   
  
"I'm fine now. When I finally went back to sleep, I slept like a baby."  
  
"Do you remember what the dream was about?" he cautiously asked, not wanting to upset her.  
  
"Only bits and pieces. But it's over with and hopefully it won't happen again," she said with a sigh, twisting the corner of the blanket around her fingers.  
  
A bit of silence fell between them. Harm was curious about the nightmare and why it had scared her so much. He remembered asking her not too long ago if he gave her nightmares. He truly hoped that this wasn't the case otherwise he'd never be able to forgive himself. Although he surmised that it probably had something to do with their session with Maddie. He didn't want to push her into talking about it either. Yesterday was hard enough for her, rehashing it over and over again in all probability isn't healthy either, he thought. Deciding that he would let her call the shots, he just simply said, "If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here to listen, okay?"  
  
"I know Harm. Thanks." Mac replied quietly, relieved that he understood that she needed to get past the nightmare. He knew her and understood her better than anyone ever had. And being just a phone call away comforted her more than she could ever tell him.   
  
Changing the subject, Mac asked, "By the way, Harm. When I woke up this morning, I was still in my clothes from yesterday. Did I go to bed while you were still here?"  
  
Harm cringed. He knew he would have to fess up sooner or later about carrying her into the bedroom. "Um, yeah. Well, actually, you fell asleep on the sofa."  
  
"But when I woke up I was in bed," she stated, until it dawned on her that he might have carried her. "Harm, how did I get into bed?"   
  
"I put you there," he replied with a slight smile before biting his lower lip. Here it comes, he thought, bracing himself for the 'what the hell were you thinking' lecture.  
  
"Pretty brave for a squid, aren't you?" she laughed. "Weren't you the least bit worried that I'd wake up and kick your six?"  
  
"Not for a moment," he laughed, enjoying hearing the sound of amusement in her voice. It was like coming home to him. For the first time in what seemed like forever, they seemed to be on the same page of the same book.   
  
Hearing her soft chortling die down he asked, "So, now that you're awake, any plans for today?"   
  
"Other than a shower, I really haven't thought about it."  
  
"What do you think about breakfast," he asked.  
  
"It's my favorite meal of the day. What did you have in mind?"  
  
"Well, there's a great diner over in Arlington. If it's alright, I could pick you up."  
  
Oh my God, his car! It suddenly hit Mac that he had driven her home and left his car at Maddie's office. "Harm-your car! I forgot you drove me home last night. Did you ever get it?"  
  
"Yeah, Sturgis came by after I put you to bed," Harm replied then blushed at his choice of words.  
  
"He didn't help, did he?" Mac asked, only half jokingly.   
  
Harm laughed and shook his head, saying, "Now come on Mac, you seriously think . . ."  
  
"Well . . ." she said, trying to stir the pot a little, just for humor's sake.   
  
"No. I called him and then waited outside. I wouldn't do that to you." Harm liked the friendly banter they had going. It was just like old times and it felt good. He'd almost forgotten what that was like.   
  
"I know," Mac said with a smile. "So, I guess breakfast it is. I can be ready in about 45 minutes; is that okay?"  
  
"Sounds great."  
  
"Bye. And Harm-don't be late-I'm starving," she said with a scolding tone to her voice.  
  
"Bye Mac," he said, clicking off his cell phone, smiling. Mac was starting to sound like herself again. Although he was sure that the nightmare probably still bothered her to some degree, she wasn't dwelling on it. He wasn't completely convinced that was a good thing though. Harm hoped that at their session on Friday that Mac would at least mention it to Maddie. Maybe she could help her decipher what it all meant.  
  
After hanging up with Mac, Harm sat there lost in his thoughts. So much had happened in the week since the Admiral forced them into counseling. For as much as he hated the idea initially, it was beginning to serve its purpose. If anything the counseling was bringing back their friendship that had been sorely lacking lately. For that he was immensely grateful. He still wondered where they were going to end up once these sessions were over with. Mac was right last night, "Why did we let it get this far," he thought. They could deliberate this point for the rest of their lives but it wouldn't solve anything. Solving things now meant getting past all the hurt and starting to heal. There was so much he needed to say to her but it was a matter of finding the right moment. With all she had been through emotionally, he wasn't sure when that would be.   
  
Snapping back to the present, Harm quickly checked the time. Damn. If I don't get moving soon, there will be hell to pay, he thought with a smile. Tossing the phone on the counter, he dashed off to the shower, eager to make his breakfast date with Mac. 


	17. Part 13: Charting a New Course

~~~Charting a New Course~~~  
  
0735 local (Thursday)  
  
Mount Vernon, VA  
  
Maddie yawned for what seemed to be the hundredth time as she sat crossed-legged on the carpeted floor in the living room of her home. Still in her pajamas, she felt bleary-eyed after reviewing the files that were spread out before her. The one thing she hated doing more than anything was rescheduling appointments, however this was the one time she had to make an exception. When it came to family, she would always make the exception. And she considered her sister's impromptu visit a most important one.  
  
Deborah, who was ten years younger than Maddie, had moved to Florida shortly after her marriage 4 years ago. But having married a dedicated Air Force pilot, she was often left alone when he was deployed, as was the case this time. Except now his deployment, coupled with the threat of conflict in the Middle East, caused her visit to become an urgent one-needing to be with her family. Despite the age difference, they were quite close, with Maddie being the ever protective older sister. She knew what Deb was going through, having married military herself. However, her husband was now retired and working in relative safety as a defense contractor. Understanding her sister's present state of mind, she decided that she needed her undivided attention for the few days that she would be here.  
  
So now she sat here with her appointment book nestled in her lap, putting her charts in order of their Friday appointments. One pile included all of Friday's morning appointments, the other had all the afternoon appointments, with Zoloft curled up between the two. She had the daunting task of deciding who needed to be scheduled for today and who would be fitted into next weeks' schedule. Brushing the hair out of her eyes, Maddie sighed, "Note to self, hire a damn secretary next time." Deciding the hair was becoming annoying, she took the clip out and rearranged it to keep it off her face. "Second note to self, get a haircut," she said, frustrated by how her morning was starting. Her not so silent musings woke Zolly from his nap. The furry feline yawned and stretched his body out between the stacks of charts. His outstretched paws caused both carefully stacked piles to go sprawling across the carpet.  
  
"Zoloft!" Maddie cried, exasperated. "You are NOT my idea of a secretary!"  
  
He looked at Maddie in confusion, wondering what the fuss was. Zolly stood up and meowed loudly before stealthily walking toward her. He then adeptly curled up in her lap on top of the open appointment book. With a chirp and a flick of his tail, he rubbed his head against her arm, as if apologetically.   
  
"That's not going to get you anywhere this time, Mister," she said firmly, attempting to maneuver around the already comfortable creature in her lap. Zolly continued to trill and chirp while he snuggled closer to Maddie, obviously as repentant as a cat could be.  
  
"Okay, okay, I still love you," Maddie said, rubbing his head and giving in to the affections of her persistent cat. "Now please, find somewhere else to nap and maybe we'll go to PetSmart later for some treats, okay?"  
  
As if understanding what she meant, Zolly leapt out of Maddie's lap and ambled toward the sofa, jumping up and making a bed out of one of her chenille pillows.   
  
"Nothing like starting from scratch," she sighed with frustration. She gathered the charts into two piles again, hoping they were in some semblance of order. This was supposed to be her day off. Be that as it may, it did make it easier for her to reschedule some of those appointments for today. One by one she ticked off the names from the morning column, pulling the charts of those she wanted to squeeze in today. Some were easy choices to move to next week, others she made a priority-especially those who were new clients and those who were on the verge of making progress in their therapy.   
  
Moving to the afternoon column in her date book, she stopped when she came to the entry "Mackenzie/Rabb". She had forgotten they were on her schedule for Friday until their names caught her eye. Maddie sat there mulling their situation over for a moment, trying to make the right decision.   
  
In the week the two had been regularly coming to their sessions, they had shown much progress. Maddie chuckled to herself remembering their first session. Their relationship had been so chilly you could have set ice cubes in the room. But with each passing day and each new revelation, they slowly began to put things into perspective, shutting doors and opening windows. She marveled at the unique relationship they had. But despite their unspoken communication, they still seemed to remain blind to what was distinctly in front of them.   
  
Maddie recalled the confused look on Mac's face when she told her she was afraid of finding unconditional love. But watching how Harm showed concern for her during the discussion about her father, she realized that Mac had found that unconditional love in Harm. She probably knew it, but was afraid to acknowledge it. Getting the two of them to acknowledge it would be a challenge, to say the least. That is, if they could get past their fears and put the past behind them.  
  
Idly rolling the pencil between her fingers, Maddie didn't have to give them a second thought. She pulled their chart to the front and taking a post-it note she jotted "11:00 a.m." with a question mark after it and set it aside. Because she had a few more clients to make decisions about, she made up her mind that she would call Mac first, but it would wait until the semi-decent hour of 8:30 a.m.  
  
With a renewed fervor, Maddie continued the rescheduling of her clients. Getting done meant breakfast and a shower, but it also meant another session with Harm and Mac. Despite the fact she tried to distance herself from her clients to keep it professional, she felt a growing bond with them. Besides, she thought, the story of their relationship might become a best seller someday. "The 12 Step Program to Love-JAG Style," Maddie mused out loud with a chuckle before picking up where she left off in her appointment book.  
  
  
  
0828 local  
  
Mac's apartment   
  
"Coming!" Mac shouted from the bedroom at the sound of the not-so-gentle knocking on her door. She quickly straightened the pillow on the bed before hurrying to open the door for Harm.  
  
"Hi. You're punctually late, as usual," Mac said holding the door open and watching as he entered the apartment.  
  
"Wouldn't want to be too early otherwise people would start expecting it," Harm replied with a sly smile. "You ready to go?"  
  
"As soon as I get my purse and my shoes," she said walking over to the table to retrieve them from where they were left last night. Slipping on her shoes, Mac made sure she had her keys before turning to leave with Harm. Just as she hit the door, the phone rang.  
  
"Are you expecting any calls?" Harm asked seeing the quizzical look on her face.  
  
"No. I'll just let the machine get it."  
  
"Well, why don't you at least wait to hear who it is first and then we can leave," he suggested. Mac nodded her agreement and waited till the fourth ring, listening as the answering machine picked up. Once her standard announcement played and the machine beeped, a familiar voice came over the speaker.   
  
"Mac? It's Maddie. I was hoping to catch you . . . "  
  
Mac ran over to the phone to take the call before she hung up. She figured that there must be a good reason for it since calling was something she didn't routinely do.  
  
"Maddie-I'm here," she said as she picked up the phone quickly, dropping her purse on the sofa in the process.  
  
"Oh, good, you're there. I didn't wake you, did I?" Maddie inquired.  
  
"No, I've been up a while. What can I do for you?" Mac asked, watching as Harm leaned against the door with his arms crossed, waiting for her.  
  
"I was hoping to move our appointment up from Friday," Maddie continued, "My sister came in from Florida unexpectedly. I decided to take a long weekend and spend some time with her. Rather than postpone our session until next week, I had a free hour to squeeze you both in right around lunch. Would that be okay?"  
  
"Hang on a second, let me check," Mac said before covering the mouthpiece to speak to Harm in a semi-hushed voice. "It's Maddie-she wants to know if we can meet today rather than tomorrow. Is that okay?"  
  
Harm paused, wondering if changing their appointment was the right thing, mainly because of Mac. He didn't want to see her put through the wringer again today like she was yesterday. But Maddie obviously had some underlying reason for wanting to see them sooner than later. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I guess it's okay. What do you think?"  
  
"It's fine with me," Mac replied casually, "I don't see any reason why we shouldn't change it."  
  
"Then tell her it's alright," Harm said motioning with his hand. For as much as he wanted to say no, he couldn't. Mac truly seemed to be fine with the change in their appointment, so there weren't any grounds for him to have a problem with it either.   
  
Mac uncovered the mouthpiece, "Um, Maddie? That would be okay. What time were you thinking?"  
  
"How about 11:00? That would still give you the rest of the day to do whatever. Do you think that it'll be a problem for Harm? I was planning on calling him after I spoke to you?"  
  
"No, you don't have to. He's right here with me. We were on our way out for breakfast. And 1100 sounds fine." Harm checked his watch and nodded his head, indicating to Mac that he was in fact okay with the time as well.   
  
"Oh," Maddie said shocked, trying desperately to hide the surprised tone of her voice. "Well, I . . . um . . . guess that saves me a phone call." Suddenly she was at a loss for words. So many questions were dancing in her mind-why was Harm at Mac's so early? Or, did he spend the night? Were they making more than progress? Maddie had to shake her head to chase those thoughts away. Mac's voice drew her back from the land of unanswered questions.  
  
"Well, I guess we'll see you at 1100 then. Maddie?"  
  
"I . . . um . . . I'm here. I was just, uh, making note of it," she fibbed, continuing to try to cover up the shock and awe she was experiencing. "So 11:00 it is. I'll see you then. Bye Mac," Maddie said quickly as she hung up the phone. She was desperate to end the conversation before she'd say something to embarrass herself further.   
  
"Well, I'll be damned," she exclaimed, slapping her hand on her knee. Her little shout and the crack of her hand scared Zolly enough to cause the cat to run from the room. Maddie couldn't help herself, though. These two continued to have surprises up their sleeves. If it wasn't crashing F-14's or aborted weddings, it was the breakfast club.   
  
"I wonder where this session's going to take us today. Maybe I won't have to lock them in a room together after all, right Zolly . . . Zolly?" Maddie said, realizing she was having a conversation with herself at the moment, since the other half of her team scampered out of the room in search of a quieter place to nap.  
  
Same time  
  
Mac's Apartment  
  
After hanging up the phone with Maddie, Mac grabbed her purse from where she dropped it on the sofa. She double checked for her keys again before striding over to Harm, who was still stationed by the door.  
  
"So?" he said in more of a question than a statement. He wanted to find an opening to make sure that they were doing the right thing with their appointment. For as fluent as he could be in the courtroom, he sometimes felt that he lacked the right vocabulary when it came to interpersonal relations. Case in point was the little outburst in Judge Sebring's courtroom that got their butts into therapy in the first place. And then of course their "meeting" with the Admiral afterward was, to say the least, tense.   
  
Mac halted her trek through the door of her apartment and turned around to face Harm saying, "What?" her voice equally reflecting the confusion that showed on her face.   
  
"So, what do you think?" Harm queried again, this time putting words together to form a somewhat coherent sentence. He stood there, hands in his pockets, scrutinizing her visually. Trying to read her sometimes was like trying to read the newspaper upside down-it made him dizzy as hell.  
  
"About breakfast? I'm hungry-let's go," she said trying to be funny about it.  
  
"Not about breakfast, about our appointment."  
  
"It's at 1100 like I told you. Now come on, let's go," Mac said, making her way out into the hallway outside her apartment.   
  
"That's not what I meant, Mac. I mean are you okay with having another session so soon," Harm continued with sensitivity. He was getting the distinct impression that she truly didn't understand what he meant. And if she did, she certainly wasn't about to let him know it. But either way, he didn't want her to feel like she was being pushed into anything. This therapy was about both of them, although lately it seemed to be more about Mac.   
  
"Why wouldn't I be?" she countered, wondering where he was going with all this. Looking directly at him, she saw that Harm had that worried look on his face-the kind he gets when something is troubling him deep down and he doesn't know how to talk about it. She had seen that look before-the night she came to him when Mic left-right after Renee' showed up.   
  
Mac sighed and looked away from him, seemingly at a loss for words. She also knew if she looked into those eyes again, all would be lost. She knew where he was going with all this. And it touched her deep in the part of her heart she thought was lost, awakening her soul. So many words were filling her head like 'I'm sorry we're going through this' and 'I couldn't do this without you' to 'Hold me and I know it'll all be alright'. But when she opened her mouth to speak, "I'm really fine with this, Harm," were the only words that made it to the surface of her tongue. Those words lingered in the air around them momentarily before drifting on a breeze out the door.  
  
Harm decided to take her words at face value. Not that it would stop him from worrying about her-that was something inherent for him. He gave Mac a slight smile, before following her out the door, placing his hand gently on her back as she strode in front of him. The sound of the door closing sent a gentle thud echoing in the hall behind them. 


	18. Part 14a: History Lessons

~~~History Lessons~~~  
  
0850 hours (Thursday)  
  
Arlington, Virginia  
  
For the most part the drive into Arlington was quiet. The only exception being the wipers creating a hypnotic rhythm of gentle shushes as it chased the raindrops from the windshield of the Lexus. Although it was raining, the sky was beginning to brighten as the sun fought for a spot amidst the clouds. What conversation there was between Harm and Mac was kept light; mostly about their babysitting adventure with little AJ earlier in the week or the progress Bud had been making in preparation for his PEB. Frankly, they did their best to dance around the subject of their counseling and their relationship-past and present-before finally settling on a comfortable silence.  
  
Harm turned the radio on and fiddled with the memory buttons distractedly before pressing scan, unhappy with the choices. Actually, it was less about the music and more about them, needing something to fill the silence. He wanted to talk to her about so much; he just didn't know where to begin, but he knew it would eventually center itself on yesterday's session and the one yet to occur. Feeling like he had already played the 'I'm worried about you' card one too many times in the past 12 hours, he decided to let it be.  
  
After allowing the radio to briefly scan for something suitable, the strains of a familiar tune made him quickly hit the button to stop it. Mac watched him as he gently drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and silently mouthed the words to a song she couldn't quite place. She wanted to ask him what it was he was singing, but watching him lose himself in the words and music captivated her. Whenever they were on assignment together, he was rarely relaxed enough to pay attention to anything but the case. This was a new side of Harm she was seeing and she found herself liking it. She glanced over to him again, trying to watch him without letting on what she was doing.   
  
Within moments, they drove up in front of a retro-looking diner, complete with neon emblazoned sign. Harm pulled the SUV into a parking spot near the front of the building. Despite the weather, there was already a steady stream of customers flowing to and from the restaurant. Mac didn't recognize the place. Of course, she never had any reason to venture on this side of the river. Her restaurant jaunts were usually limited to the area immediately surrounding her apartment or the JAG office.  
  
"This is interesting, Harm. Metro 29 Diner-I didn't even know such a place existed. It looks like they dropped it here right out of an old movie."  
  
"Actually it was dropped right here back in the 1940's," Harm said as he slid out of the vehicle. He waited as Mac emerged from the car and then clicked the alarm once she shut the door. They both strode to the steps leading up to the front of the diner, dodging departing customers in the process. As they entered the diner, Mac's eyes grew wide with wonder, intrigued by the building and its nostalgic decor.  
  
Gently resting his hand on her shoulder, Harm moved past Mac and stepped up to the counter to ask if there were any empty seats. The waitress glanced briefly at a seating chart in front of her before scanning the room for an empty booth. After noticing one was being cleaned, she told Harm it would be a minute or two. Before long, another waitress motioned for them to follow her and she seated them in the far end of the diner. She placed two menus in front of them and asked if they wanted coffee. Harm answered, "Yes" while Mac just nodded her head, still trying to absorb the atmosphere of the place.  
  
The hum of conversation intermingled with the sound of clanking dishes and the sizzle of the griddle enveloped the room. It wasn't an overwhelming sound, but combined with the aroma of the food, it was just enough to make you feel warm and welcome. The place wasn't very big; Mac mentally figured it sat about sixty people if you included the counter.   
  
"How did you find this place?" she asked, continuing to take in every inch of the place.  
  
"Bud and I were on our way back to JAG from interviewing a witness a few years ago. He took a wrong turn and we stumbled upon this place. Since Bud was hungry at the time we decided to try it."  
  
"And you remembered where it was all this time?" Mac asked in amazement.  
  
"In fact, I've been coming here on and off for a while. It's a nice change from the usual places I eat at," Harm said, relishing in seeing the awe on her face as she continued to watch the hustle and bustle around them. "It's a nice place to get lost in. Almost feels like . . . "  
  
". . . like it takes you back to another time and place," Mac said, finishing his sentence. Harm smiled at her, enjoying it when their brains were in sync like this. The shy smile on her face told him that she appreciated the moment as much as he did. He watched as she suddenly found the napkin on the table an interesting distraction, folding and unfolding it while they sat in silence.   
  
"What did Renee' think of this place? It doesn't seem like her style," Mac's thoughts escaped her lips, causing her to regret the question the instant she asked it. The expression on her face abruptly changed from lighthearted to serious as she hoped he wasn't offended by the question. It's none of my business to begin with, she thought, searching for a way out of the question that lingered in the air.  
  
Harm answered her in a quiet voice, "I never brought her here."   
  
He couldn't quite grasp why Mac suddenly brought Renee' into the conversation, especially since it had been over a year since they had gone their separate ways. The two women were hardly friends, especially considering that Renee' made it her mission to let Mac know Harm was her territory. He was grateful he never pushed them into trying to be friends. Having your girlfriend and your best friend form an alliance would be like trying to mix oil and water-it was chemically impossible. And in this case it would have surely been more like gasoline and a match. At least I was using my head that time, he thought.   
  
Mac looked away from the napkin in her hands right into the placid blue eyes of her best friend across the table. To her relief, he didn't seem ruffled by her question. Think before you talk next time Mackenzie, she thought to herself with a sigh. The clank of the coffee mugs on the table as the waitress set them down snapped them back to the present.   
  
"Are you ready to order?" the waitress asked, pulling out a pad and pencil from the pocket on her uniform.  
  
Mac had never really looked at her menu, having been lost in her thoughts. Hurriedly she scanned the pages, trying to decide what to order.   
  
"Mac, what are you going to have?" Harm asked, noticing her indecisiveness.  
  
"Um, I'm not sure yet," she stammered, "Why don't you go first?"  
  
"Western omelet with a side of salsa, please," he said handing the menu back to the waitress.  
  
Contemplating his selection for a moment, "I'll have the same except with a side of bacon."  
  
The waitress swiftly turned and headed off to place their orders, leaving the two sitting quietly in their booth, suddenly at a loss for words, both feeling like kids on a first date. Noticing the mini-jukebox that adorned the booth next to the window, Mac ran her fingers over its smooth chrome exterior.  
  
"I didn't think these existed anymore."   
  
"I often wondered how many couples planned their lives here while listening to its music," Harm said, watching her gently turn the wheel to flip through the pages of songs.  
  
"Just imagine the stories this jukebox could tell," Mac added wistfully.  
  
Harm reached into his pocket and slid two quarters across the table to her. Mac looked at him quizzically before a smile formed on her lips. She dropped the money in the slot and pushed the random select button. Soon the strains of "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" were coming over the jukebox's speakers. Harm and Mac at first looked at each other uncomfortably. Then almost instantaneously, they both said, "Top Gun," before bursting out laughing at their timing.   
  
As they awaited their food, Harm filled her in on the history of the diner dating back to post-World War II Washington. Intrigued by his knowledge of the diner, Mac sat there completely engrossed in the history lesson. Once their breakfast arrived, they ate silently, content to enjoy the meal and each others company, pushing any thoughts of their impending session far from their minds.  
  
1055 hours   
  
Old Town Alexandria  
  
Harm and Mac pulled up in front of Maddie's building. After the initial tension over the Renee' question, their breakfast had turned into a leisurely, enjoyable meal. Getting caught up in the nostalgic feel of the diner, they had managed to put all things past and present behind them. Mac sighed as Harm parked the SUV and turned off the ignition.   
  
Glancing over in her direction he asked, "You alright?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess," she said, pausing. "You'd think I'd be used to coming here by now. But every time I come here, I get butterflies in my stomach."  
  
"If you'd rather not do this today, I'm sure Maddie will understand," Harm said, turning his whole body in the seat of his Lexus to look at her. He could see just a hint of tension in the muscles of her neck, radiating down her arms to the hands that were playing with the strap from her purse. Seeing how the emotion of it all was taking a toll her body and spirit, he wished he could just take her away from it all. But, if wishes were dimes, I'd be a rich man, he thought. Instead, he placed his hand over hers to calm them, backing the gesture up with a smile he hoped would put her at ease.  
  
Mac glanced down at the warm hand covering hers. Instead of pulling away, she moved her hand to squeeze his, acknowledging his concern without any encumbered words. Unwillingly breaking the spell that was momentarily cast over them, she quietly said, "Let's go," before exiting the vehicle.   
  
Side by side they strode across the street and entered the building, beginning their ascent to Maddie's office. Mac was a step or two ahead of Harm as she reached the second floor landing. Opening the door, she hesitated slightly before walking past the spot in the hallway where Harm had held her as she cried last night. Recalling her anguish, Mac steeled herself, resolving to be stronger and needing to put the past where it belonged. Harm saw Mac's steps waver slightly and knew what was going through her mind. As difficult as it seemed for Mac, Harm had found it twice as arduous. Unable to physically help her made him feel powerless. I guess even Superman had his weaknesses, he thought.   
  
Reaching the office door, Harm stepped slightly in front of Mac and opened it for her. Wordlessly she looked at him, acknowledging his presence with a slight smile before stepping inside. Each of them prepared to deal with the unknown in their own way.  
  
Five minutes earlier  
  
Maddie's Office  
  
Checking the time, Maddie hurriedly took a gulp of her diet soda and ate the last spoonful of the yogurt she had brought with her from home. The yogurt was the quickest thing she could grab before heading out the door since breakfast wasn't what she had anticipated. Making what she thought were a few phone calls to rearrange appointments had become a game of telephone tag with her clients, leaving little time for anything else. Only a few took the advantage of changing their appointments to today; the rest were only too willing to reschedule for next week, thus making the day a light one for her after all.   
  
The fire in the hearth crackled and snapped in the silence of the office. When Maddie had arrived earlier, a damp chill had greeted her. Even though her first client had already arrived, she made starting the fire her first order of business, delighting Zolly. Once the warmth was radiating from the fireplace, he quickly moved to his spot on the rug, snuggling in for a mid-day nap.   
  
Without even checking her appointment book Maddie knew that Harm and Mac were her next clients. She tidied up her desk, before pulling the 'Mackenzie/Rabb' file out of the drawer. Briefly scanning her notes from their previous sessions, she knew they still had a lot of old baggage to sort through. It was a necessary evil, but one that would have to be handled with a painstaking yet gentle touch.   
  
Maddie had been looking forward to this session since she hung up with Mac earlier this morning. Just knowing that they were at least spending some time together was enough to make her happy. Besides, I'd like to hear the story behind their breakfast date too, she thought, before quickly dispelling her curiosity. It was getting increasingly difficult for her to walk the fine line of 'counselor'-wanting to keep it professional without getting personal, yet being personal enough without seeming apathetic. Maddie sighed and rubbed her temples. She couldn't remember the last time she got so attached to a client before. At any rate, it was time to put her personal feelings aside and be the counselor they needed her to be.   
  
Hearing the click of the outer office door, Maddie knew that her next "couple" had arrived. She listened for muffled conversation but didn't hear any. Worry creased her forehead as she wondered for a moment if it were Harm and Mac who arrived or if it was just the mailman. Of course, she realized, she could end all this mystery by just opening the door to check. But, this would also put them "on the clock" so to speak, and Maddie truly didn't want to rush them today. Before getting up from her desk, she checked the time for her next appointment-12:15pm-just enough time, she thought. That is if things are kept on track.  
  
Maddie walked over to the door connecting the two rooms, gingerly cracking it open a bit to peer inside. Harm was seated on the leather chair next to the bookshelf, leaning forward resting his elbows on parted knees-watching Mac who sat quietly on the loveseat, thumbing through the latest issue of Southern Living magazine that Maddie had left there this morning. Both seemed to be reacting differently to today's session. Harm seemed relaxed, yet concerned about Mac. Mac appeared to be distracted as she turned the pages of the magazine without really looking at its contents.   
  
Maddie felt a twinge of guilt about delving so deeply into Mac's relationship with her father yesterday. It obviously had taken some toll on her, seeing the tension in her posture and mannerisms. She watched her close the magazine and toss it on the coffee table, breaking the trance that Harm had fallen into. Time to get this show on the road, Maddie thought. She straightened herself and opened the door, propelling them into yet another chapter of their lives. 


	19. Part 14b: History Lessons

~~~History Lessons Part 14 b~~~  
  
The creaking of the old brass hinges on the door announced Maddie's arrival to Harm and Mac, startling them a little. Harm stood immediately to greet Maddie, who waved off the formality and sat down next to Mac on the loveseat. Seeing the apprehension written on her face, Maddie took a mental step back. Many years of counseling had given her the ability to read her clients' minds based on their non-verbal communications-their posture, their eyes, the expressions on their face-Mac was no different.   
  
With every passing session, Maddie was finding it increasingly difficult to be the neutral party. It was almost as if she was counseling her friends even though she'd only known them a little over a week. Upon seeing Mac's obvious distress, Maddie's first instinct was to console her just as she would do for her sister. However, being a medical professional, it was considered crossing the line. Lord knows I don't want to do something unethical, she thought, scolding herself silently.  
  
"Hi," Maddie said soothingly, "Good to see you both. I appreciate your coming on such short notice." She was sincerely doing her best to keep the tone of her voice even and her own trepidation below the surface. She was as nervous for this session as they were, except right now Mac looked as though life itself was draining right out of her. The last thing Maddie wanted to do was add more tension to the already taut strings holding Mac together. If Mac unwound, Harm would surely follow.   
  
Mac's heart was doing double-time right now. She felt like she was still caught in her earlier nightmare-pulse racing, palms sweaty. God, get a grip Marine. This person isn't your enemy-she's here to help you get your act together. Swallowing hard she gave a half smile and said, "It wasn't a problem," hoping Maddie couldn't see through the facade she was presenting. For as much as she tried to hide her fear, she unknowingly wore it like the red cloak of a bull fighter-it was out there taunting Maddie-begging her to find a way to fix things. I can get through this, Mac thought, taking a deep breath.  
  
Harm shoved his hands inside the pockets of his jacket and gave a quick shrug of his shoulders adding, "Not at all," to the end of Mac's statement. Watching her made him feel ill at ease. Even though her mouth was saying one thing, she was surely feeling something else. Her apprehension was practically palpable. If given an option right now, he'd put an end to this therapy crap. The more they came, the deeper they were being sucked into the vast vacuum of their past. Up until now, he had thought they were just normal people with normal problems; now he wasn't so sure. But before he could get any sort of protest out of his mouth, Maddie was speaking to the both of them again.  
  
"Why don't we move into the other room and get started?" Maddie said, standing up and turning toward the office. She hoped that when she got to the office they would still be following her and not running screaming from the room.   
  
Mac's heart skipped a beat at Maddie's words. It was as if the roller-coaster from hell was climbing the hill and she was again the reluctant passenger along for the ride. Harm watched as she balked a little before standing up. He waited until she rose from the loveseat before falling into place behind her. He grasped her shoulder and leaned in to whisper into her ear, "It's going to be fine, Mac," and gave her a little squeeze. He wished he could believe in his heart that it all would be fine. Right now the only thing he could do was try to protect her as the demons of the past were again summoned from the beyond.  
  
"Yeah, it will," Mac replied, giving him a quick glance over her shoulder and trying to sound convincing in the process. She prayed he couldn't feel her pulse in that grasp of his, otherwise he'd have a good excuse to haul her ass off to a hospital somewhere-maybe a padded one with Laura Ashley drapes and bedding.  
  
Maddie was already in her spot on the leather chair when the two officers entered the room. Sighing, she was relieved to see that she hadn't scared them off-yet. The two-being creatures of habit-moved to their usual spots on the couch after removing their jackets. Harm offered to hang up Mac's coat, but she shook her head, opting to hang on to it.   
  
Mac immediately noticed the furry form of Zoloft curled up on the rug in front of the fireplace. Fighting off the urge to crawl on the floor next to him, she opted to call to him instead. A soft "psst-psst-psst" in his direction was enough to rouse him from the sleep he had settled into. Zolly yawned and stretched out his paws before turning his head in the direction of the sound. Recognizing a warm lap when he saw one-especially Mac's warm lap-he trotted across the floor and promptly leapt into her waiting arms.   
  
Aw, nothing like a little feline-therapy to soothe the patient's soul, Maddie thought, smiling as she watched Mac find her comfort zone with the affections of a certain Maine Coon. Even though it was often tiring bringing the 15 pound cat to and from work most days, Zolly had unknowingly become part of the therapy process with Mac. Not everyone responds to pet therapy, especially cats. But with Mac, Zolly had become a security object she could cling to during the stressful aspects of their sessions.   
  
Opening their chart on her lap Maddie adjusted her glasses and perused her notes for probably the hundredth time, knowing what she had written on those papers by heart. The only problem she had at the moment was deciding how to carefully begin this session without sounding like an incompetent jerk or an overprotective den mother. Deciding to jump in with both feet, fuzzy slippers and all, she took a breath and began.  
  
"Mac, yesterday's session took us back to your father and your past relationships with men. It must have been hard for you to revisit those years. Tell me how you feel today."   
  
Mac glanced over toward Harm first, hesitating. In all honesty, she wasn't sure how she felt other than her stomach was in knots right now. She had felt better when she got up earlier this morning, but the thought of rehashing everything was now making her nauseous. Mac knew it was probably in her best interest to tell Maddie about the nightmare, but there were parts of that nightmare that involved Harm-and she wasn't sure if she was ready to tell him about it just yet-some day-just not now.  
  
Maddie sensed that something was keeping Mac from talking about what occurred after the session yesterday, but she couldn't put her finger on what it might be. Whatever took place, she obviously either hadn't told Harm or was purposefully vague considering the look they shared, Maddie thought. Contemplating the issue for a moment, she came up with an option she hoped the two would agree upon.  
  
"If you'd feel more comfortable talking to me without Harm present, Mac, that's okay. But, before you do that, Harm has to agree to it."  
  
Alternating glances between Harm and Maddie, Mac felt torn. Dare she sit with Maddie alone and tell her about the nightmare or should she just bury it like everything else and go on with the session?   
  
Harm looked shocked at Maddie's suggestion. It almost angered him that he wouldn't be included in this discussion. It wasn't that he was nosy; he just didn't want Mac to go through hell again today as she did yesterday. He wasn't so sure a one-on-one with Maddie was in her best interest right now. Every time a new ghost resurrected, he felt helpless watching them torment Mac. Now Maddie wanted to do this without him there!   
  
"Mac, you don't have to do this. I can stay if you want me to," Harm offered in protest, annoyance tinting his voice. He really wanted to ask Maddie what kind of quack she was to keep torturing a woman clearly distraught every time her past reared its ugly head.  
  
"Harm, the point of having Mac talk to me alone is not to exclude you. It's to give her a chance to say things to me-personal things-that she might not want you or anyone else to know just yet. It shouldn't take long."   
  
Maddie figured out that he was just trying to shield Mac from any more pain and for that, she mentally commended him. Despite the fact that they couldn't get their act together, the undying loyalty between the two was paramount. Just as she considered explaining to Harm that the emotional pain brought about from discovery was part of the healing process, Mac spoke up.  
  
"It's okay, Harm. You don't have to protect me from Maddie-I know she's trying to help me." Mac paused for a moment, not sure how to address this with Harm without hurting his feelings. She then added, "But, there are some things I'd like to say to her privately."  
  
"Are you sure?" he asked hesitantly. He wasn't convinced it was the right idea, but if Mac was okay with it, then he would have to be okay with it too. Let her go, Rabb. We have to get through this.   
  
Before he could say anything, Mac was reaching over and taking his hand. The pleading look in her eyes snapped him back to rationality-a subtle gesture asking him to trust her. Trust-that's part of the reason we're here in the first place. Getting it back had to start somewhere with someone, he thought.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Harm said, "Mac, if you want to talk to Maddie alone, go ahead. I don't mind."  
  
Mac smiled softly and squeezed his hand for extra measure. She silently mouthed, "thank you" before turning to look at Maddie, ready to put the past where it belonged-in the past.  
  
Harm stood and reluctantly prepared to leave the room, glancing at Mac before he stepped away from the sofa. He had wanted to say something-anything-to her at that moment to comfort her, but he just didn't know what to say. He hoped Mac understood that his unwillingness to leave had nothing to do with what she was going to talk to Maddie about, but everything to do with her and how this would affect her life. Rather than say something that would be misconstrued, he bit his lower lip and said, "I'll be waiting". He strode out the door, casting one final glance over his shoulder before gently pushing it closed behind him.  
  
"Thanks Harm. I'll call you in when we're done," Maddie called after him, as he walked into the outer office.  
  
Once in the other room, Harm couldn't do anything but pace. He ran his hands through his hair distractedly, hoping this wasn't going to be a repeat of the last session. It tore at his very soul last night as he felt her body wracked with sobs, her past having chewed her up and spit her out yet again. The more he thought about it, the more he had to stifle his anger for her sake. He wanted so much to call the Admiral and give him hell, career be damned. But he knew that it would only embarrass Mac and put her in an uncomfortable position with her superior officer. Keep your opinions to yourself, Rabb, he told himself, flopping down on the loveseat. He picked up the Southern Living magazine Mac had been thumbing through earlier, flipping through a few pages before tossing it back where he got it. Sighing loudly, he slumped against the cushions. This is emotional hell, he thought, scrubbing his hands over his face in frustration. If this becomes anything like yesterday, we're done-I don't care what anyone has to say. I can't let her go through this anymore.  
  
* * *  
  
Maddie briefly watched Mac sitting alone on the sofa, her face still pale and her hands slightly trembling. Had she been a regular patient in for the long haul, Maddie probably wouldn't have pushed her to divulge her feelings so soon. But considering that she had only a short time to work with them before their leave was up, she had no other alternative than try to get them to a resolution point-sooner than later. Moving over to the sofa, Maddie gestured for permission to sit next to her, "May I?"  
  
Mac nodded her head without looking in her direction.   
  
"Tell me what happened last night after the session," Maddie asked calmly.  
  
Drawing an uneasy breath, Mac blew it out with a huff before speaking. "I, um, well . . . things sort of got to me yesterday."  
  
"In what way?"  
  
"It had been a long time since I had to deal with my father. It was like I was living my teenage years all over again," Mac said, continuing to stroke the soft, thick fur on Zolly's back. She couldn't make eye contact with Maddie. It wasn't that she was embarrassed about anything. It was just that Maddie was pretty good at reading her and she wasn't quite ready to be that revealing.  
  
"Tell me what happened," Maddie reiterated, getting a sick feeling all of a sudden in the pit of her stomach. It was not uncommon for clients to react emotionally to things revealed in their sessions. However, she couldn't help but feel somehow responsible for the emotional pain Mac was going through right now. She had figured her to be a strong woman yet she still prayed that Mac's past as an alcoholic didn't come to light again, especially after yesterday.  
  
"When we left the office, my emotions took over and I cried-really cried-for the first time in a very long time," Mac paused to take a deep breath and control her racing heart. "I'm not used to feeling this emotionally weak," she nervously snickered, pausing to dab at the corner of her eye with her finger to prevent the tears welling up from spilling over. "I was so drained that Harm had to drive me home."  
  
"You're not weak, Mac. You had been through a lot yesterday. It's only natural for your body and mind to give in to the exhaustion you were feeling." Maddie paused to allow Mac to take in what she was saying.   
  
"What happened once you got home?" Maddie asked quietly, not sure it was something she wanted to hear. She didn't want to come right out and ask if she had taken a drink-although she should-but rather Maddie wanted Mac to feel that she could confide in her without feeling pressured to do so.   
  
Mac began to see the bigger picture behind Maddie's question-she's wondering if I took a drink, she thought to herself. It's a legitimate concern considering what I had told her about my past.   
  
"I didn't have any alcohol, Maddie, if that's what you're asking," Mac said, "I think I'm strong enough to resist that. I've had plenty of reason to turn to the bottle other times-like when Mic left. But I didn't. I've come too far in my life to ruin it like that."   
  
"I know Mac, but as your counselor I was just concerned."  
  
"Thanks-I know," Mac said, taking a deep breath before continuing, "I must have fallen asleep on the couch when Harm went to make me some tea. The next thing I knew I was in bed and in this nightmare-it was like the worst parts of my life were happening all over again.  
  
"What did you dream about?"  
  
"My father, Dalton, Chris and Mic . . ." Mac paused, looking toward the door of the outer office, then added, ". . . and Harm." 


	20. Part 14c: History Lessons

~~~History Lessons Part 14 c~~~  
  
Maddie immediately noticed Mac's glance toward the door when she said 'Harm'. There is more to this than just a nightmare, Maddie thought. Trying to find the best way to extract information from her, Maddie found herself saying, "Tell me how the dream made you feel."  
  
"I felt scared, out of control and . . . lost. What you said about unconditional love really got to me. I don't feel that anyone has ever loved me for me. Maybe some sick, bizarre attachment but not love."  
  
"Do you think that you truly loved any of them?" Maddie asked tentatively, not quite sure where her question would lead.   
  
Mac thought about this for a moment. It's not as if she'd never been at this crossroad before-she had been. This was different. This was acknowledging feelings or maybe the lack thereof. Feeling a little uncomfortable, she shifted her weight in the sofa, disturbing the cat on her lap. When Zoloft looked up to see what the disturbance was, Mac cupped his bewhiskered face and brought hers close to his nose. It's now or never, Marine, she whispered quietly to herself and Zolly, out of Maddie's earshot.  
  
"Any of them? Yes," Mac said with a heavy sigh, "But not all of them." She had known it would come down to this at some point. She just never thought she'd have to say it aloud for someone else to hear. Maybe getting it all off my chest will be for the best, Mac thought. I just have to get past this.  
  
"Chris was obviously a mistake. What I felt for him wasn't love-I don't know what you'd call it but it wasn't love. And Dalton-I think I was more in love with the idea of being a civilian lawyer than I was with the man. He made that lifestyle attractive-and I fell hook, line and sinker," Mac said, a bit of sarcasm in her voice.  
  
"What about Mic?" Maddie asked.   
  
Mac knew that was coming. She couldn't talk about her past without bringing him into it. Truly, being with Mic was the pivotal point in her life. He had called things as he had seen them-especially when it came to her and Harm. Try as she may to persuade him they were only friends, she was sure he'd seen something more-real or perceived.   
  
"Did I love him? Maybe. To be totally honest with you, I'm not so sure now." Mac couldn't help but remember a night when Harm posed a similar question to her-one she never answered.  
  
**Do you love him?  
  
That's not a question you get to ask.**  
  
Then who does get to ask this question? Maybe it's something I should have asked myself then. Harm knew what he was asking. Maybe it was all too obvious how I really felt. Too many questions were dancing in her head right now.   
  
**Mac, I'm sorry. I was outta line.  
  
Never apologize. It's a sign of weakness.   
  
Whatever you and Brumby have between you, that's uh. . . that's your business.  
  
Whatever's between us? I'm marrying the guy. What do you think is between us?**  
  
Mac sat quietly next to Maddie, her mind replaying her life like someone hammering on the rewind button of a poorly directed movie. Why couldn't she flat out tell Harm that she loved Mic-was it because she didn't or couldn't? Whatever she based her relationship with him on, would it have been enough to sustain her for the rest of their lives?   
  
"I guess I'll never know," Mac stated out loud, responding to the questions she was posing to herself in her head.   
  
Confused, Maddie asked, "Know what, Mac?"  
  
Realizing she had said aloud what she was thinking, Mac snapped a surprised look in Maddie's direction.  
  
"You seemed to drift off in thought for a while. What were you thinking about?" Maddie queried. She surmised that the lingering question of did she love Mic was dominating her thoughts at the moment. Rather than push her to answer, Maddie allowed Mac to put her thoughts into perspective first in the silence that surrounded them.  
  
Mac sat there absentmindedly playing with Zolly's collar, making the little bell tinkle softly. Getting all this all out in the open sounded like a good idea to begin with, but opening her mouth to say it all was taking a lot more effort. Deciding that she could think better if she got up and walked around, Mac stood up, placing Zoloft on the floor, much to his dismay. She brushed some of the cat hair from her shirt and watched as the disgruntled feline went back to his original napping spot on the rug. Walking over to Maddie's desk, she ran her hand over the wood, relishing its coolness against her skin before turning to face her counselor.   
  
"I was thinking about Mic-if I loved him. Harm asked me the same question the night of my engagement party and I never really answered him. I did love Mic-but I wasn't in love with him. I know now that the love I had for him would never have been enough to last a lifetime." Mac paused for a moment. Having said it made it real for her. She fingered the bare spot on her left hand, feeling somewhat relieved that Mic had taken the decision out of her hands by getting on that plane.   
  
"For a long time I had blamed Mic for leaving. I had told Harm he was leaving because he couldn't get past whatever was between us and that Mic didn't believe I loved him. I wanted him-expected him-to understand and accept my relationship with Harm. Mic knew it would never have worked. But was it because I didn't love him enough? Or was it because of my relationship with Harm?" Mac sighed and walked back across the room to Maddie's leather chair and sat down, looking to Maddie for her approval or disapproval or some sort of acknowledgement.  
  
Maddie didn't move from the sofa, trying to absorb all that Mac was saying to her. It seemed the underlying note to Mac's failed relationship with Mic was Harm. She remembered them telling her that they were never a couple. From that fact, she could safely conclude that Mac didn't cheat on Mic with Harm-physically. It seemed their emotional attachment to one another had played as big a factor then as it is today. Well, now's a good a time as any to broach that subject, Maddie thought.  
  
"How do you feel about Harm?" Maddie asked softly. Mac was finally being honest about why her relationship with Mic failed, now she needed her to be honest about her relationship with Harm.  
  
Mac gave a nervous laugh, "There are a lot of things I feel about him."   
  
"Such as . . ." Maddie pressed gently.  
  
"It's complicated . . ." Mac replied. She stood up from the leather chair and began to pace the room again, attempting to channel her energy into something, otherwise she'd chew every nail off her fingers right now.  
  
"In what way?" Maddie felt like this was the twenty questions game all over again. She must be one helluva lawyer; she is certainly making me work for my information.  
  
Mac came to a halt by Maddie's desk and stood there looking toward the door to the room where Harm was waiting. She wanted to just spill it all and tell Maddie everything. She couldn't help but wonder, though, if Harm was standing with his ear pressed to the door, dying to find out what was going on.  
  
"If you'd rather not tell me, I understand." Or at least I'll try to, Maddie thought. Despite her own frustration, she knew this all had to be hard for Mac. Keeping emotions buried for so long makes it hard to acknowledge them even though they were there all along.  
  
"It's not that I don't want to tell you, it's just difficult. Saying it puts it out there-although it's not like I haven't done that before," Mac said. That day she had haddadmitted it, albeit unwillingly, was clear as a bell in her mind. Thankfully, Sturgis kept his part of the bargain and never divulged her little revelation to anyone-at least none that she was aware of. Of course, the threat of pain and suffering usually is the key in helping someone keep a secret.   
  
"Said what, Mac?"  
  
"Said I love him." Mac chuckled a little. So this makes two people that know now, she thought.   
  
"What did he say?" Maddie was now on the edge of her seat, eager to know how Harm responded.   
  
"I didn't say it to him. I accidentally told Sturgis several months ago. He kept pressing me about the tension between Harm and me . . . and I just sort of . . . said it."   
  
"How do you feel about him now?" This was the million dollar question as far as Maddie was concerned. Although she had a fairly good idea what Mac was going to say, she still needed to have her say it and Maddie needed to hear it-mostly for her own sanity.  
  
Mac looked at Maddie and then went back over to the sofa, sitting down next to her. Once again, her heart was pounding in her chest. She leaned forward and buried her hands in her face for a moment before taking a deep breath. Turning to Maddie, her eyes were moist with tears.   
  
"I'm in love with him," she whispered softly, trying to choke back her tears. Those five words were laden with emotion; pouring her heart into each one of them. She wished it were Harm she was saying it to, but she was too damned scared to do it. It could change everything, yet change nothing. Mac sighed, wiping a tear that had broken through the barriers of her lashes, chasing it from her cheek. She smiled a little at Maddie and shrugged her shoulders.  
  
"I'm pretty screwed up, aren't I?"  
  
Maddie couldn't help but laugh a little. "Nope, you're just like the rest of us women, driven insane over the love of a man."   
  
"Now what?" Mac asked, wondering what the next step was. The unknown loomed ahead of her, frightening her just a little. Having admitted to herself and to Maddie that she loved Harm was at least putting her on the right path. Her only obstacle was Harm-where did his feelings fit into the puzzle that was her life?  
  
"That's up to you, Mac. From my perspective, there is still a lot of baggage between you two. Not just your past relationships with men, but his past relationships with women as well. We can do one of two things-we can call it a day or we can bring Harm back in and pick up where we left off earlier, before we had our private conversation."  
  
Mac thought about it for a moment then decided, "Let's finish our session-with Harm."  
  
***  
  
A few minutes earlier  
  
Maddie's Waiting Room  
  
Harm was getting tired of pacing the rug in Maddie's waiting room. He had tried reading through some of the magazines arranged neatly on the coffee table. Now they were nothing but a jumbled mess, Harm having gone through them desperately looking for something to read to take his mind off Mac and what was going on behind that damn closed door. The Southern Living he tolerated, but Woman's Day, Martha Stewart Living and Cosmo put him right over the edge. The hormones in those magazines were enough to give him bodily pains he would rather not experience.   
  
Checking his watch, yet again, he decided to give them five-FIVE-more minutes and then he was busting down the door and extracting her from Maddie's interrogation. They had already been in there somewhere in the vicinity of fifteen minutes, give or take a few. Hell, I'm sure Mac could tell me right down to the second how long they were in there. Harm ran his fingers through his hair and debated sitting down again. Sure, the loveseat was nice looking, but it nowhere near accommodated his long legs. And the leather chair made him sweat. He felt like he was Goldilocks-nothing was just right for him at this moment. The only thing that would make him happy was if that door would fling open and they would call him back into that room.  
  
He walked over to the bookcase and glanced over the shelves with its perfectly arranged books. I probably could find something there to read, but if I have to start reading a novel, that means they have been in there too long. Harm checked his watch one more time-a minute later than the last time he looked at it. What could be taking this long? There has to be more than the nightmare on Maddie's agenda. I could try putting my ear to the door, as they do in those spy movies-not that something like that would work-but would it, he mused.  
  
Just as Harm contemplated his next move, the door to the inner office creaked open, startling him enough to get his pulse racing. Almost immediately, Maddie appeared in the doorway and announced, "We're ready for you Harm," with a smile and motioning for him to follow her. Harm gulped. He wanted to run right into that room to make sure Mac was alright, but his feet remained mired on the carpet, bound by the fear of what was coming next. Putting Mac in the forefront of his thoughts got his feet moving, although he had to keep his stride checked up enough so it didn't appear he was at a full run. He hesitated as he reached the threshold of the room, peering inside to see what lie ahead of him.  
  
***  
  
Mac remained seated on the sofa while Maddie went to retrieve Harm from the other room. Although her discussion with Maddie had gone well, by her standards, she still was nervous about Harm coming back into the room. Silently she hoped that those five words, 'I'm in love with him', weren't lingering in the room somewhere waiting for the opportunity to bounce off the walls like an echo. Sure, she knew she needed to tell him-to be honest with him about how she felt. "But there is no way in hell that is going to happen here-in front of Maddie," she muttered to herself. Those were her feelings-feelings that her heart had kept secret for too long. She would tell Harm, but only when the time was right. And she would only tell him when it was just the two of them-no audience, no interruptions.  
  
Right after Maddie announced to Harm that he could come back into the room, Mac heard his footsteps cross the hardwood floor by the door and onto the area rug under the sofa. Before she could even look in his direction, he squatted down alongside the couch, face to face, his blue eyes locked with hers.  
  
"Are you alright?" he asked gently, scanning her face for tear stains or anything that would indicate she was upset by the whole situation. He couldn't stand it if she was put through hell again today.  
  
"I'm fine, Harm," Mac replied with a small smile, happy to see that handsome face of his again.   
  
Still in protective mode, Harm felt the need to verify that what he was hearing was true and honest, "Are you sure?"  
  
"Harm . . ." Maddie began before he cut her off with an irritated look.  
  
"If you don't mind, Maddie, I'd like to hear it from Mac . . . please," Harm said pointedly. The 'please' was an afterthought-being impolite was just plain rude.  
  
"Harm, really, I am fine-see, no scars," Mac said, holding out her hands for him to examine. He took her left hand and rubbed it between his large hands, grateful that she was all in one piece. Not that Maddie would have physically harmed her; he just needed to feel her warmth to know that she was indeed okay.  
  
Satisfied that Mac had survived Maddie's grilling, he stood up and took his place on the sofa, this time sitting a little closer to her than to the armrest. Judging from the clock on the mantle, Harm figured they had at least a good 40 minutes left in their hour. Plenty of time to let Maddie have a piece of my mind, he thought.  
  
Sitting across from the duo, Maddie absorbed the whole scene as it played out between the two-the knight in shining armor defending his fair maiden from the evil sorceress. I guess that makes me the evil sorceress, she thought with a restrained snicker. And I'm sure the fair maiden could kick his ass if given the opportunity. These two are something else. She loves him, he obviously loves her-just give me the room and the key right now-I'll make sure they don't come out until they've, um, communicated, Maddie mused.  
  
The blank stares from her clients made her realize she had halingered a bit too long in dreamland. She adjusted herself in the leather chair and cleared her throat, shuffling the papers of their file for good measure. Maddie hoped her cheeks weren't too flushed from her thoughts-that would certainly be embarrassing!  
  
"So, why don't we continue," she said with authority. Most of the pieces to their puzzle were falling into place. The largest piece loomed in front of her in the form of one Harmon Rabb Jr.   
  
"Harm, let's talk about your past relationships with women, shall we?"  
  
Maddie's statement caught Harm off guard, in mid-swallow of his water. He choked it down as quickly as possible to prevent spewing it across the room.   
  
The sight of Harm, in the inevitable hot seat, had Mac trying to suppress her laughter as it threatened to bubble over. Sure, she sympathized with him, having been put through the proverbial wringer herself. However, watching Harm squirm while Maddie grilled him could be amusing to some extent. Harm never did handle stressful encounters very well, she thought, recalling all the times the Admiral chewed his butt for whatever reason. But this-the Video Princess Diaries-would definitely have him running for cover. I should have brought the popcorn for this one, she mused with a giggle, subtly covering her mouth with her hand. This could get very interesting. 


	21. Part 15: To All the Girls I've Loved

AN: Thank you to everyone for your wonderful feedback! I appreciate your kindness! Thank you also for your patience--it's hard juggling a full time job, 2 school-age girls and a household! Writing this story has been a pleasure for me and I'm glad you're enjoying it! The end is in sight--eventually. But I do apologize for not posting often. I'm sure those of you with families understand! THANKS!  
  
Again, thanks to CatMom for her shippershrink advice and Pretz for her awesome beta work!  
  
~~~To All The Girls I've Loved Before~~~  
  
Harm sat there bewildered, staring at Maddie as if she had two heads. "You want to talk about what?" his voice loud and incredulous. The eruption was of volcanic proportions, enough to disturb Zolly. Deciding to find a safer place to nap than in the cross-hairs of the big guy on the sofa, the furry cat dashed under Maddie's chair and wove himself between her legs before scampering off to his favorite hiding place under the desk.  
  
"Harm, I want you to . . ." Maddie said, leaning forward slightly to clarify her statement again. This time she spoke just a little slower, figuring he didn't hear her clearly.   
  
"I heard you loud and clear the first time, counselor. What I don't understand is what any of my past . . . girlfriends . . . has to do with this . . . whatever you'd call it," he shot back, waving his hand for emphasis. Hearing what sounded like a snicker coming from his right, he threw an annoyed glance toward Mac, his raised eyebrow cautioning her.   
  
For as amusing as his exasperated look was, she restrained herself without further hesitation, feeling guilty for laughing at Harm's visceral reaction to someone wanting to dissect his love life. Mac knew all too well that it was serious business. These sessions were like pulling a loose thread on a well-worn sweater-pull it the wrong way and it would unravel the hem. With Harm, if Maddie pulled it the wrong way, it would probably unravel the whole lot.  
  
Trying to keep her frustration with him under control, Maddie continued, "Harm, if you remember correctly, Mac discussed her past relationships, including parental influence in her life. In order for ME to have insight into what makes YOU tick, I need to hear about yours as well." No wonder these two can't communicate-the male species clearly speaks in one language and hears another-damn fighter jocks, she thought, gritting her teeth. "They ought to come with an instruction manual or at least a translation guide," she muttered under her breath.   
  
"Fine-do you want to start in-utero or shall I just jump to the teenage years-your choice." Harm gestured with his hands mockingly before crossing them on his chest defiantly. I'll be damned if I'm going to make this easy for her, he thought.  
  
Maddie sighed loudly and rolled her eyes, her irritation with him becoming quite evident, especially to Mac. At least I don't feel so alone in the frustrated-by-Harm department, she thought. Better get a handle on him before Maddie throttles him.  
  
"Down, Sailor. Would you just give Maddie the benefit of the doubt? Please? She knows what she's doing. We've come this far," she said, her voice low and fraught with insistence, hoping he'd heed her not-so-subtle warning.  
  
Harm was about to voice his irritation with the whole situation once again when Maddie's phone rang, taking her attention away from them.   
  
"Excuse me for a moment," Maddie said. She set their chart down on her chair before running off to get the phone. With a sigh, she welcomed the distraction. You're a lucky man, Commander, she thought, turning her back to both of them to make the call as private as possible.  
  
Mac watched Maddie for a second, and then leaned in toward Harm, "I'm sorry I laughed-I was out of line," she whispered, her voice taking on a serious tone.   
  
Relaxing a little at her sincerity, Harm managed a small smile. "I guess I better learn to loosen up a bit, huh?" he asked. That was probably as close to an acknowledgement of being an ass as it's going to get, Mac thought, taking it for what it was worth.  
  
"You have to admit, though, you do make an easy target, Commander Control Freak," she snickered, trying to add just a smidgen of levity to the situation.   
  
Harm chuckled, "You're funny," for lack of anything better to say. His mood had tempered somewhat with Mac's attempt at humor. Even though he was uncomfortable with his turn before this firing squad of one, he resigned himself to the fact that it all was necessary. These sessions weren't a walk in the park for them by any means. If they were ever going to get past whatever it was that came between them, they would have to work together. Besides, Mac went through hell for me too many times. Why should I be immune?   
  
Right at that moment, Maddie finished her phone call and returned to her chair across from them. "I'm sorry about the interruption-my 12:15 appointment just cancelled. Now-let's start this over again, shall we?"   
  
The disturbance of the phone call was just enough to give the three of them some time to regroup. Thank goodness for good timing, otherwise I would've found a new place to put my fuzzy slippers, Maddie thought with a sly smile aimed in Harm's direction.  
  
Harm straightened his posture on the sofa and decided to put forth his best effort-not for Maddie-but for Mac. It wasn't going to be easy, but the least he could do was try. Looking over at her, it didn't take much for him to remember how distraught she was yesterday. Again, one question echoed in Harm's troubled mind-why did we let it get this far?  
  
Maddie collected her thoughts, determined to get them on the right track today. She realized that jumping right into things with Harm right after her private meeting with Mac probably wasn't in their best interest. More than anything, she wanted Harm to be a little bit more forthcoming about his past and hopefully, how it affects his relationship with Mac. From what she had observed, he was a true officer and a gentleman, despite his stubbornness. Case in point-his protectiveness and undying loyalty to Mac. Having watched his interactions with her, especially today, she could see glimmers of hope in their relationship. Yet, he was still holding something back. It was as if he had built a fortress around himself for whatever reason. Deciding it was better to back-track for a moment than to piss off the Commander again, Maddie thought that maybe a review of sorts was in order.  
  
"Let's recap for a moment," she said to Harm and Mac, looking for their approval. Both nodded their heads simultaneously in silent agreement.   
  
Continuing, "Yesterday we ended our session discussing Mac's relationship with her father and how it affected the relationships with men in her life. Harm, you had agreed to let Mac discuss the recent events troubling her with me privately. Mac, do you want to give Harm a brief synopsis about what we discussed earlier? It's up to you."  
  
Thinking about it for a moment, Mac wondered how best to approach this issue. Her first instinct was to say 'no,' especially since discussing Harm with Harm wasn't on her agenda right now. But, keeping him completely in the dark wasn't right either. Giving it another thought, she figured she could give him an overview of what she had told Maddie without getting into too much detail. Fifty words or less should be enough, she calculated.  
  
"I told Maddie about the nightmare last night-how it made me feel lost, and that her statement about unconditional love really rings true. I don't think I've ever had it or . . . found it . . . yet," she said, hesitating briefly.   
  
Mac tried to avoid looking at Harm, but couldn't help stealing a glance in his direction. She wondered if he could see right through her. Offering a small smile before averting her eyes, she prayed that they didn't give too much of her true feelings away. Yes, she loved him. But . . . there is always a 'but,' she thought. How does he feel about me-here and now-in the present tense?   
  
Having watched Mac while she was summing up her private tete-a-tete with Maddie, Harm wondered if there was something she was leaving out. He got the impression that there was, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Of course, her conversation with Maddie was private-just between the two of them. If she had wanted me to know, she would have let me stay in the room.   
  
Suddenly, Brumby came to mind. What if the nightmare she had had was about him? What if she still harbors feelings for him and she doesn't want me to know? The thoughts dancing around Harm's head made his heart race. He tried to tell himself that if Mac wanted Brumby back, she would have done it by now. But he still couldn't stop his mind from working overtime. He fought off a wave of nausea, swallowing hard. Just the mere thought of Mac wanting Bugme back was killing him.   
  
"Any comments, Harm?" Maddie asked, drawing him back from the trance he seemed to have settled into. She wanted to open the door for him to say something-anything-to Mac about her summary of their conversation. But he sat there with this paled look on his face.  
  
Sure, I have comments. Questions even. Like whom or what did you talk about besides the nightmare? What aren't you telling me? Harm sighed, looking at Mac again, saying, "I'm glad you told Maddie about the nightmare," leaving the rest of his thoughts tucked away for the time being inside his preoccupied mind.  
  
Nodding her head, Mac was relieved that Harm didn't push her to divulge anything more than she had to. For now, she was content with his response, even though she could see questions written all over his face-questions she wasn't ready to answer. Eventually, the time and place would come when she could tell him everything, no holds barred. But until then, he would have to be patient with her.  
  
You were not convincing in the least bit, Commander Rabb, Maddie thought. Why don't you just ask her what you really want to know? Rather than make this about Mac, yet again, she decided to move on.  
  
"Harm, let's go back to my original question-how your relationships with women affected your life."  
  
Sighing, Harm attempted to find a comfortable spot on the sofa. He knew she'd get around to it soon enough-no amount of stalling would make the question disappear. The one thing he truly didn't want to get into was explaining women like Maria Elena Carmelita Gutierrez and Kate Pike. There had been a few women like them in his life-but each filled a need that he had had at that time. By no means did he think he was a womanizer or a playboy-and he didn't want Maddie to get that impression either.   
  
Mentally he ticked off the names of the others-Diane, Bobbie, Jordan, Annie and Renee'-hell, I'm a dead man, he thought. Maddie's going to think I'm some type of Romeo. He decided that it was in his best interest to keep the information as simple and to the point as possible.   
  
Harm glanced toward Mac and suddenly felt a little awkward. She knew all about these women, some more than others. However, discussing his love life in front of her and Maddie made him just a little nervous. Actually, uncomfortable was a better word. He took a long drink from his glass of water, sighing after he removed it from his lips. By no means was he satiated. He could drink a whole pitcher right now and his mouth would still feel like it was filled with cotton.  
  
"All right-where do you want me to start?" he asked reluctantly, wiping a stray drop of water from the corner of his mouth with his fingers. Even with all his emergency ejections, he had never felt more edgy than he did at this exact moment.  
  
Maddie referenced her notes, "Well, I remember three women that you or Mac had mentioned in past sessions: Bobbie, Renee' and Diane. Which of those three did you date first?"  
  
"Well, uh, Diane was," he said, detesting that he had to resurrect her again, more so for Mac's sake. They had already beckoned her ghost once before-when Mac had asked him 'Is it because I look like her?' Their similarities began and ended with their looks-that he was certain of-but he wasn't quite convinced that Mac was. At some point, he knew that he would need to convince her of it.  
  
Maddie proceeded, "What was your relationship with her?" From their session yesterday, she had assumed Mac and this woman bore a resemblance to one another close enough to shake up Harm. And it shook Harm up because this Diane was an old girlfriend, she surmised.  
  
"We were classmates at the academy. As midshipmen, we never really had time to date, but we were close." Harm paused. Recalling all of this was still, to some extent, painful. "We both saw other people during that time, even after we graduated."  
  
"What happened after you graduated?"  
  
"We went our separate ways but wrote to each other often. Over time, we had grown closer . . . I knew I had loved her. When we finally decided to see if it was enough to build a relationship on . . . she died."  
  
"That must have been horrible for you. Yesterday, Mac had a concern that because she resembled Diane it had become a point of contention between the two of you. Especially when it came to your interpersonal relationship," Maddie said, choosing her words carefully. According to the observations she had written in her file, Mac had still felt it was.  
  
"That day I saw Mac for the first time . . . it was like she-Diane-was standing right there. The resemblance was so uncanny," he said, looking in Mac's direction. He wondered what was going through her mind right now. He couldn't begin to imagine what that must feel like-to look like someone else. Especially if that someone else was once your best friend's lost love. Thank God I don't resemble Bugme, he mused, trying to keep the malice out of his thoughts.  
  
Mac remembered that day vividly-Harm paling at the sight of her, the clamminess of his hand when he shook hers-it was enough to make the hair on the back of her neck stand straight up.   
  
**You two know each other?  
  
Yes, Sir. /No, Sir.** They had responded together.  
  
**Oh, I'm sorry Major. Course I don't know you. I just had a moment of deja vu.   
  
Must be the uniform.   
  
No, actually, she was in the Navy.**  
  
It had taken some time for her to get used to the occasional long glances from him, almost certainly accompanied by the distant memory of Diane. Eventually, she believed he no longer looked at her in that way. Either that or she grew accustomed to his stares. And when she had 'played' Diane to help catch the killer-complete with the Navy uniform-Harm had kissed her with such tenderness. It was as if he was kissing a ghost that would vanish at any second. Even back then, she had had feelings for him-deep feelings that often puzzled her. For a split second that night, she hoped it was her he was kissing, not Diane. For one fleeting, enchanted moment, she felt he was.  
  
**I know, you were kissing her.**  
  
Those six words still lingered somewhere in Mac's universe-yet another mystery left unsolved. And if it was Diane he thought he was kissing, would that matter today-here and now? That was a lifetime ago as far as she was concerned-greater things had happened since then to affect them.   
  
"How did her death make you feel?" Maddie asked.  
  
"I was crushed. We never had a chance to get our relationship out of those letters. She was gone and it left me feeling . . . empty," he replied softly, as the memory of seeing her lifeless form in the body bag battered him yet again. Although he was emotionally scarred from her death, the pain had lessened as years had passed and he'd gone on with his life. Time heals all wounds, or so they say, he thought with a sigh.  
  
Hearing those words from Harm made Mac's heart ache for him, even though all this had occurred in his life long before they had ever met. She knew how the deaths of Dalton and Chris affected her-even though her relationship with them and what Harm had with Diane was like comparing apples and oranges. Nevertheless, reliving all this must be agonizing for him. It was still quite disturbing for Mac knowing the one common link in their lives was death. Mac reached over and took his hand to console him. He welcomed it's warmth as salve for his tortured soul with a gentle smile, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze.  
  
The snapping and crackling of the fire in the hearth echoed in the silence of the room. Maddie gave Harm a moment to breathe before she pressed on with her questions.   
  
"How long after Diane was gone did you start seeing other women again?"   
  
There were several ways to answer this-the ones that were transitory moments or the ones that lasted until he screwed up and they left. Deciding he wouldn't get into the ones that fell into that other category, he figured Annie-Luke Pendry's Annie-was probably next. 


	22. Part 16a: Of Fathers and Sons

~~~Of Fathers and Sons~~~  
  
Harm took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. He hadn't talked about Annie and Josh with anyone in a very long time. In fact, he hadn't heard from her since that day she ended things with him four and a half years ago. Of course, taking Josh on the adventure from hell-against her wishes no less-probably had some role in her decision, he thought. Whatever the reason, she had become just one more in a long line of failed relationships.  
  
He sighed, "Um, I guess it was about two years after Diane died. I had an occasional date here and there. If you're asking about relationships I had after her, Annie was next. Her husband Luke was a classmate of mine-he and I went to flight school together."  
  
A shocked Maddie looked at Harm, interrupting him before he had the chance to continue, "You dated a married woman?" She tried to keep the incredulous tone in her voice down to a dull roar.   
  
"No!" Harm quickly corrected her, "I would never do that! Her husband, Luke, was killed in a test-flight accident."  
  
"Oh," Maddie replied with a sigh of relief. She didn't think he was that kind of man, but in the course of these sessions, she'd found out he was full of surprises. "I'm sorry to hear that," she added genuinely.  
  
Harm continued, "We-Annie and I-didn't start seeing each other until nearly a year after Luke had died-after she moved to Baltimore. He left behind a son, Josh."   
  
Mac remembered Annie quite well. In fact, the first time she met her, her first impression was that she was a frightened, needy woman. In her opinion, Annie never got over the death of her husband-and that, basically, had left her scared of life in general.   
  
Neurotic Annie-she had called her that on one occasion. Well, it wasn't exactly an occasion. It was when she had shown up drunk at the courtroom after Dalton was murdered. Harm had tried to help her and the thanks she had given him was a verbal slap in the face.  
  
**Harmon Rabb Jr., so righteous, so pure. You never had a weak moment in your life, did you?   
  
I'm gonna wait outside.   
  
Oh wait a minute I forgot. Yeah, you have had weak moments. Of course. Your long lost father. Neurotic Annie.**   
  
They always say that hindsight is twenty-twenty. Recalling that moment, Mac realized how horrible she was to Harm. She still regretted it profoundly, as she did the moment she sobered up. Although she did truly feel Annie had her problems, she should have never thrown that into Harm's face. Yet, she knew that nothing he could ever do would be enough to diminish Annie's unfounded fears. Mac often wondered what it was that Harm saw in her.  
  
After making a few notes, Maddie asked, "Who initiated the relationship?"  
  
"I guess it was mutual," Harm said with a shrug. "We had become close while she was still living in California. After they moved to Baltimore, her son had witnessed a murder and she called me to help them-from a legal standpoint. They came to live with me for a while and it just happened. We sort of connected on some level," he replied.   
  
He wondered if this had happened today, would they have ended up together. They were both at a juncture in their lives where they craved the security that comes from a relationship. The loss of Luke was still very fresh in Annie's life. And, having just found out that his father might still be alive somewhere in Russia, Harm's life likewise had been turned upside down. They both were coincidentally in the right place at the right time.  
  
"How did you feel about her son?" Maddie pressed, wondering if the presence of Annie's son had something to do with the dissolution of their relationship.  
  
"Josh? I cared a lot about him. I guess I sort of identified with him-having lost my father at a young age too. We had this bond between us."  
  
This was news to Maddie. She hadn't realized Harm had grown up without a father-like Mac-but she was sure his circumstances were different. And now, hearing about Josh, and Harm's relationship with his mother, Maddie was curious about the basis of it. Even though she didn't know the whole story, her past experiences with these situations made her wonder if Harm was trying to fill a void in his life-by trying to fill a void in someone else's. Again, Maddie quickly jotted some notes and then decided to explore this a little more.  
  
"How old were you when you lost your father?"  
  
Alarms suddenly started going off in Mac's head. She knew instantly where Maddie was going with this. Her first instinct was to end this discussion before it begins. Harm had been through enough hell over the years searching for his father. Maddie had no idea what she was getting herself into. Everything he had done in his life, up to this point, had been driven by the loss of his father-she had known this better than anyone had. Following Harm to Russia, she was a first-hand witness to his elation when there was a glimmer of hope he could still be alive-and she was there to comfort him during the painful realization that he had died, nearly eleven years after he was shot down.  
  
That memory was so vivid she could practically feel the crisp air and hear the Russian woman's thick dialect. Translating those words for Harm was probably the hardest thing she's ever had to do-for anybody. With every sentence she spoke, she could feel his heart breaking, his hopes crushed. Even though he learned his father died a hero-saving the woman from a certain death-it could never replace the anguish he felt at that very moment.  
  
Looking over at him now, she worried what opening this Pandora's Box of heartache would do to him. In recent years, he didn't discuss it much. But Mac always knew the moment his blue eyes would cloud over, he was succumbing to those painful memories. Right now, his brilliant eyes were cast downward. That familiar ache of loss was back. She knew he was feeling it because the ache consumed her as well. Just as Mac was about to put a stop to it all, Harm spoke. The catch in his voice as he started to speak again left Mac struggling to keep her emotions under control.  
  
"Six-I was six years old." Harm's voice drifted off as the words caught in his throat. "His plane was shot down over Vietnam on Christmas Eve, 1969." He gently fingered the rim of the empty glass he held in his hand. Its smoothness had become sort of an amulet for him, reminding him of smooth marble that surrounded his father's name on The Wall-a place where he would always find comfort.   
  
"So, he was a pilot," Maddie continued, matching the somber tone of his voice with a soothing, gentle one. Getting emotionally wrapped up in their stories was making her vulnerable. Yet again, she was coming precariously close to that fine line of counselor she walked. Looking at the man sitting in front of her, she saw him as a fatherless boy, lost in a turbulent sea of emotions.   
  
"Yeah-I always knew I wanted to be just like him when I grew up." He paused for a moment, and then said with a sad smile, "He was my hero." Closing his eyes, he could picture himself-the young boy seated in a fighter jet, his father standing by his side-pride beaming on his face. It was one of his greatest and fondest memories of him. One that he swore he would never forget.  
  
Harm stood up and walked over to the table in the corner where the pitcher of water sat, and poured another glass. He wasn't thirsty; he just needed a distraction to compose himself. Maddie's latest venture into his past was eliciting emotions he had kept in the corner of his heart marked 'classified'. Okay, so those close to him, especially Mac, knew about his father and all the heartache that came with it. Hell, she lived it by following him to Russia-no one else would have ever done that for him. It was probably that moment that solidified their bond with one another.  
  
But Maddie-she was just a stranger who probably could tell you how to feel about it, without truly understanding what it was like to experience it. Taking a drink from the glass, Harm suddenly snapped back to the reality of the moment, angry, yet curious, about Maddie's present line of questioning.   
  
"How does this fit in to my relationships with Annie?" Try as he may to keep the acidity out of his words, he knew he had failed miserably. He stood across the room from Maddie, his stance challenging her-daring her-to tell him what or how he was supposed to feel about losing his father.  
  
"When you were talking about Annie, you told me that you identified with Josh since he lost his father, like you had."  
  
"But I still don't get where it fits in," his blue eyes flashing with resentment. He felt this discussion of his father was becoming sacrilegious to his memory.  
  
Mac was now on the edge of her seat, prepared to put an end to the torture-Harm conversation, "Maddie . . ." she began, before the counselor put a stop to it with a wave of her hand. Fine, I hope you know what you're getting into, Mac thought, sitting back against the sofa, her arms crossed. If Harm got pissed, she wasn't stopping him this time.  
  
Although she hated interrupting Mac from interjecting whatever it was she wanted to say, Maddie knew she needed Harm to see her point. She wasn't quite sure how to get him to understand without telling him outright. After considering her options, Maddie thought it was best to let him tell her more about his father through discussion points on his relationship with Annie.  
  
"Let's go back for a moment. How long did your relationship with Annie last?"  
  
Shrugging his shoulders, Harm said, "I don't know exactly-maybe a few months."   
  
Moving back across the room, Harm sat down on the sofa, just a little closer to Mac than he had before. The warmth of her concerned smile seemed to beckon him beside her. Right now, he needed an ally in all this discussion. And this Marine, this best friend, the one person who went with him farther than anyone he ever knew, was the only person who could hold him together when he felt like falling apart. She was probably the one and only thing keeping him from ending all this here and now. And as she touched his arm, her energy flooded his body, giving strength to his soul.   
  
Pressing on, Maddie asked, "Who ended the relationship?"  
  
"Annie did," he said stoically, deciding he would cooperate with Maddie.   
  
"What happened that made her end it?"  
  
"I had taken Josh on a, um, sailing trip," he said without looking up from the glass he still held in his hands.  
  
"She ended it over a sailing trip you took her son on?" Maddie asked, figuring by Harm's hesitation that there was more to this story.  
  
"Well, it wasn't exactly just a sailing trip. It was a Tiger Cruise on a US Navy frigate."  
  
"What was so bad about that?"   
  
"Well, Annie didn't want Josh around anything Navy. I didn't think she'd approve, so I sort of glossed over the truth," Harm replied. Approve? She would have blown a gasket if I told her, he thought.  
  
"Glossed over the truth?" a confused Maddie asked.  
  
"Yeah-I told her I was taking Josh sailing for the weekend to Biscayne Bay."  
  
"And you didn't tell her the truth because . . ."   
  
"Because of how Luke died, the last thing Annie wanted for Josh was a life in the military, let alone to be around it. The boy was so fascinated with all of it. It was in his blood-he wanted to be just like his father. So I took him-I didn't see how it would hurt anything."   
  
Mac remembered trying to keep Annie calm during the whole ordeal. In a sense, Annie's greatest fear was coming true-Josh was realizing his dream of being like his dad-the one thing she tried her hardest to prevent. Despite Harm's lie, Mac knew his intentions were never to hurt Josh or turn him against his mother. Being blindsided by his dreams and reliving them through Josh, Harm felt he was doing the right thing at the time. Telling Annie that was one thing, getting her to believe it was an insurmountable task.   
  
"How did you tell her about the trip?"   
  
Harm paused, recalling the event, "Well, she found out from the Admiral. Um, the trip turned out to be more than we bargained for. We were hijacked by Cuban terrorists. Nothing happened to us; we were fine, despite the whole ordeal."  
  
"Is there anything that you do that isn't dangerous?" Maddie asked, completely flabbergasted by this man's experiences.  
  
Harm blushed for a second, "Uh, well, the courtroom is probably the least dangerous-more or less." That is if you don't fire a weapon at the ceiling, he mused.  
  
Maddie shook her head and muttered an "unbelievable" before composing herself to continue. As she made notes in their chart, she silently chastised herself to keep her remarks to herself.  
  
"Anyway, so Annie ended the relationship because you lied," she recapped, trying to put her focus on where it belonged.  
  
"Well, if you put it that way, yeah." Harm took a deep breath and set his glass down on the coffee table in front of him. Thinking for a moment, he added, "She felt I turned her son against her. Looking back, it-deceiving her-wasn't the best decision. I figured we'd go and then tell her about it afterward. I regret lying to her. But, I didn't want Josh to be afraid of life like Annie was."  
  
"Did that make it right?"  
  
"I guess not. I know how it feels to want to be so much like your dad. Josh wanted to be like his dad too. I didn't want to see him deprived of that experience," Harm's voice faded off as his words were starting to sink in. He finally understood the point that Maddie was trying to drive home.   
  
"I see," Harm uttered softly. He sighed and scrubbed his face with his hands. In all these years, he thought he wanted to be with Annie because of her, when in fact all along it was because of Josh. He was reliving his life through Josh. Harm knew he could never replace Luke as Josh's father-he never tried to do that. He remembered his first thoughts after Annie walked out the door, 'What about Josh?' And seeing the confused look on the boy's face as he left the bullpen tore at his heart. All the pain he felt afterward was a result of the loss of Josh, not Annie.   
  
Watching Harm's emotions play out on his face, Maddie wondered if she should continue for today. In reality, their session was over time-wise. However, considering that there was progress afoot, she felt continuing was probably in his-their-best interest. And considering her 12:15 appointment had the forethought to cancel, now was as good a time as any.  
  
"I know our session is about over. But, in the interest of progress, I would like to continue if that's okay with the both of you," Maddie asked, hoping that they would agree.  
  
Mac turned to Harm and in the smallest of voices asked, "You okay with this?" again resting her hand on his arm.  
  
Harm looked at her, "Only if you'll stay with me," he said softly, sending the message to her that she was wanted and needed in his life. It caught her by surprise when he caressed her hand as it rested on his arm. Unable to find the words, she nodded her head, her eyes never leaving his. 


	23. Part 16b: Of Fathers and Sons

Maddie observed the exchange between the two officers-Mac's concerned tenderness and Harm's willing acquiescence-with a new appreciation for their relationship, the one neither could see they were already in. Unconditional love isn't as elusive as they think it is, she mused.  
  
In the beginning, she wasn't sure what discussing Harm's previous relationships would do to them. Sure, he reacted like any normal man having his love-life dissected. But, as of this moment, it didn't seem to faze Mac all that much. The only thing that seemed to upset her was the discussion of Harm's father, of which she was sure, was a protective mechanism. It had become quite apparent to Maddie that Harm and Mac protected each other intuitively, especially when the emotional well-being of the other was on the line.   
  
Shuffling through the pages in their file, Maddie sought a clean sheet of paper to write on. They had only been seeing her for a week and now their folder was thicker than most clients' files were. She was certain that if they were to continue for a while, they'd probably need their own drawer in the file cabinet.  
  
After organizing herself briefly, Maddie looked at Harm thoughtfully, wondering how to continue this discussion. Her earlier little outburst about his dangerous encounters left her feeling a little embarrassed. Usually her interjections into clients' sessions were thought provoking, clinical observations-not childish comments. Resolving to keep the banter to a minimum, she continued with a renewed confidence in her abilities.  
  
"Tell me about losing your father," she said gently.  
  
Harm sighed and made himself as comfortable as he could on the sofa, resting his right ankle on top of his left thigh. He knew he wasn't going to get out of this room without further talk of his father. Silently he hoped it would be over with quickly, if not painlessly. He was mentally exhausted already with the course of events so far today. For the first time in years, he longed for an afternoon nap to clear his head.   
  
Mac braced herself. She wasn't sure where Maddie was taking all this. What she did know-nothing could drag her from this room and Harm's side. He needed her to help him get through this, just as he did in Russia. And damn it, I am not leaving him, she thought.  
  
"Like I said before," Harm began with a deep breath, "Dad was shot down Christmas Eve, 1969, when I was six. The Navy had listed him as MIA. For the first year or so, every time the phone would ring or there was a knock on the door, we wondered if it was him, coming home."  
  
Sighing a little while he recalled that time in his life, he continued, "Mom had some tapes he had sent, along with some letters. She let me listen to them and read them-I knew them by heart-every last syllable. Whenever I closed my eyes, I could hear his voice clearly in my head. As time went on, Mom had resigned herself that he wasn't coming back."  
  
Maddie leaned forward, completely absorbed by Harm's story. She listened intently to his voice fraught with emotion, knowing that talking about all this was agonizing for him. If it were not for his bond with Josh, this probably would never have been brought up. But hearing how he spoke of his father, Maddie was getting the feeling that his dad was quite the driving force in his life-not just as a child but as an adult too.  
  
Maddie hated to ask her next question, but she had to. "Did they ever find him?"   
  
"No," he replied almost inaudibly. Harm was absentmindedly playing with his pant leg, keeping his eyes cast downward. He sighed and then looked over at Mac, finding her watching him attentively. Comforted by her presence, he managed a slight smile before he continued.  
  
"Eventually any MIA were declared KIA by the government," he continued. "Mom kept up hope for as long as she could. We started getting on with our lives . . . at least she did. Mom started dating again and eventually remarried-Frank-my stepfather." Harm lingered in his thoughts for a moment, and then said, "I didn't listen to the tapes as much when I got older-I didn't have to."  
  
"Was that hard for you-your mother remarrying?"  
  
"Yeah, it was. In my mind, Dad was still alive and . . . out there somewhere. I couldn't believe that my mom had given up hope and found someone else. When I turned sixteen, I ran off to Southeast Asia to try to find him."  
  
Maddie swallowed hard to avoid choking up. Hearing that as a teenager, he went in search of his lost father tore at her heart. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep her emotions where they belonged. Allowing herself to become so emotionally attached to them was beginning to take its toll on her.   
  
Pulling herself together quickly, she continued, "What made you want to do that?"  
  
For a moment, Harm thought about how he would answer that, distractedly picking lint from his pants to keep himself from making eye-contact with her. It wasn't that he didn't know the answer-he did-actually explaining it was a different story. What drove him then was the very same instinct that drew him to Russia in 1998.   
  
Speaking with conviction, Harm answered Maddie's question, "Something in my gut-in my heart-told me he was still alive. I just had to act on it."   
  
"You didn't find him, did you?" Maddie had surmised that he didn't, but she still needed him to acknowledge her question.  
  
"No," he replied softly.   
  
"Where did that leave your relationship with your stepfather?"  
  
Harm knew how to answer to this one immediately. It wasn't until recently that they had come to terms with the past and put it to rest. But those years in between were far from smooth sailing.   
  
"It was tense. Actually, at the time, I had resented him for marrying my mother. After that, Frank and I never had a close relationship-mostly my fault, I guess. Yet, I still respected him-because that's what I was taught to do."  
  
Making note of this, Maddie then asked, "Did you resent your mother?"  
  
Harm searched his heart, trying to find an honest answer. "I guess I did to some extent. She gave up the hope she had instilled in me. I still had it and . . . she lost it," he said with a wave of his hand for emphasis.  
  
Pausing for a moment, he gave more thought to what he had said about his mom. Repositioning his legs, he added, "I know now she needed to get on with her life. I just didn't understand that then."  
  
To some extent, Mac had known most of what Harm was telling Maddie-Trish remarrying, his relationship with Frank. Yet, hearing him use the word 'resent', astounded her. She had used it quite commonly to describe her own childhood, but it wasn't something she ever thought she'd hear Harm say about his mother and step-father. She admired him for being so honest about his life. Part of her expected him to be closed to this type of discussion, yet he surprised her with an openness she hadn't seen in a very long time.  
  
Maddie wasn't shocked to hear how Harm felt about his mom and step-father. The loss of his father turned his world upside down in an instant. Righting it would take longer. She wondered for a moment if there was some underlying abandonment issues-not the physical kind, but the emotional ones that leave you feeling disconnected and alone.   
  
Being an only child, it was just Harm and his mother in those early years after his father had died. They probably had developed a closeness-a bond-that he felt she had broken when she married Frank, Maddie surmised, making a few notes. A mother is the first woman a boy loves. If he feels that he has lost that love to another man, it-in all likelihood-might make him feel unworthy of another woman's love. Could this be Harm in a nut-shell? Rather than open this can of worms right now, Maddie decided to continue.   
  
"What happened after you came back from Southeast Asia?"  
  
"I did my best to get on with my life," Harm replied. "I had decided to try for an appointment to Annapolis. It was something that I had known I wanted to do-because of my father. I needed to follow in his footsteps."  
  
"When did you decide that it was time to stop believing he was alive?"  
  
Maddie's question caught him off guard a little. In a matter of seconds, he was spiraling back through time to the exact moment he found out. All those years, hoping and searching and wishing came to a jarring halt on a mountaintop in Russia one sunny afternoon. The only thing he could liken the experience to was his ramp strike-except the crushing pain he had felt was an all-consuming one centered in his heart.   
  
"The day that I was told he was dead . . . four and a half years ago," he said in an anguished whisper.   
  
Harm leaned forward, burying his face in his hands. Mac moved instinctively with him, moving her body closer to his, her left hand soothingly caressing his hair, moving down to his back. The tears his body had refused to let him shed were pooling in her eyes.   
  
"Oh my God," Maddie muttered to herself disbelievingly, covering her mouth with her hand. Suddenly, she realized that she was right-the loss of his father was the compass that directed his life. She watched as Mac gently comforted him, whispering something inaudible into his ear. Harm nodded his head in reply to whatever it was she had said to him. He then leaned back against the sofa, composing himself.  
  
Before Maddie could press him for further details, Harm was speaking again, his voice stronger than before. She was certain that Mac's presence-the love and concern she had shown-was the impetus for him to get through this.  
  
"I had found some documents while investigating the death of a Navy pilot in 1997. It was a list of MIA's and POW's supposedly still alive and in Russia under KGB control." Harm paused to take a breath, "My dad's name was on that list."  
  
"Incredible," Maddie sighed, leaning back against her chair, closing the file on her lap. She couldn't write now to save her life. More so, she was afraid that if she looked away, she'd miss a key element to his story.  
  
"Several months later-in 1998-I was given a photograph of my dad. Written on the back was 'This one's real'. It was all the proof that I needed that he could still be alive."  
  
Maddie felt like she had been dropped right in the middle of the greatest mystery novel ever written. "What did you do?" she gasped, trying to keep her heart from pounding in her chest.  
  
"I went to Russia to find out if it was true-to find him. If he was alive, I wasn't leaving until I found him. There was no way in hell I was leaving him behind again."  
  
Harm recalled how he had lied to the Admiral so he could secure time off to go to California to see his mom. He needed to make her understand that the possibility existed that his dad was still alive. When he showed his mother the picture of his father, he pretty much had guessed what her reaction would be and received just the same.   
  
**Let it go, Harm.  
  
I can't, Mom.**  
  
Unable to bear the thought of reliving those years after her husband-his father-had died, she ran from him, upset and crying, leaving him alone on the patio with his step-father, Frank. What he wasn't prepared for was the support he received from Frank.  
  
**You're the only son I ever had. Let me help you.**  
  
Harm could see how much Frank loved him despite the fact he knew that he could never replace his father. He remembered how he told Josh at one time that he never gave his step-father a chance. Looking back now, he wondered if he had, would things have been different.   
  
Trying to grasp everything he was telling her, Maddie fiddled with the pencil she had been holding in her hand, twirling it and then sticking it behind her ear. Even though she found what she was hearing hard to believe, she knew that there was no way in hell anyone could have had such an adventure like this one. Well, of course with the exception of Harmon Rabb Jr., she thought.  
  
Needing to know more of the story, Maddie asked, "So you went to Russia alone to find your father?"   
  
Harm looked at Mac as he answered Maddie's question, "Uh, no, Mac was with me. She followed me to the airport."  
  
"You followed him?" Maddie asked, staring at Mac with a flabbergasted look on her face. Unbelievable, she thought to herself-quietly this time. She goes to Russia with him and he lets her-and they deny having any type of a relationship!   
  
"I couldn't let him go alone," Mac responded honestly. "Besides, the Admiral thought it was for the best as well, unofficially of course. I spoke the language and . . . someone needed to watch Harm's six," she said with a quick glance in Harm's direction with a sly grin. Harm chuckled as he remembered her 'appearance' on the plane. Wild horses wouldn't have dragged her off that plane, he mused.  
  
"And that compelled you to go with him? Didn't you worry about the danger involved? What if things turned out badly?" Maddie was throwing questions at Mac rapid-fire, her hands gesturing as she did so, nearly causing their file to go flying across the room.   
  
Mac felt a little embarrassed by the commotion Maddie was making over the whole issue. Wanting to follow Harm to Russia wasn't something she had thought twice about. Truthfully, she hadn't thought-she reacted. Her place was with him despite the danger. In fact, she'd gone because of the danger-to protect him.  
  
Deciding Maddie needed a little more background, Harm gave her the short-story version of the trip to Russia-Parlovsky, Alexi, Falcon, stealing the Mig-29 and the ejection from it after being shot down, the Gypsy brother and sister, trekking across Russia to find the answers to questions haunting him. It amused him to some extent watching the expressions on Maddie's face as he recounted his-their-tale. It reminded him of the first time Mac rode in an F-14 with him-she looked nauseous yet exhilarated.   
  
Comprehending all this was starting to give Maddie a major-league headache. It was like trying to read a Tom Clancy novel written in a foreign language-it was maddening as hell. She rubbed her temples in an attempt to make the throbbing go away before deciding that it wouldn't without the help of some aspirin.  
  
"Excuse me a minute," she said to Harm and Mac as she rose from her chair and headed toward her desk. Reaching into the top drawer, she pulled the economy sized bottle out and quickly retrieved the capsules. In one swift motion, she popped them into her mouth and quickly chugged some water from a glass on her desk. Her clients watched this little scene with confusion, then amusement.   
  
"See what you've done," Mac whispered to Harm with the slightest touch of humor.  
  
"Me? All I did was tell her about our trip to Russia . . . uh, I see your point," he replied with a raised eyebrow and a smile.   
  
Mac's attempt at humor helped take the edge off. For the first time since all this discussion about his father started, Harm felt somewhat relaxed and relieved. Even though it was, at times, too heartbreaking to bear, he made it past the hard stuff unscathed. Having her by his side-supporting him-was exactly what he needed to get him through all this. He reached over and grasped her hand in his, giving it a quick squeeze before releasing it.   
  
"Thanks," he said warmly to her, his blue eyes dancing.  
  
"For what?" Mac asked with a curious look.  
  
"For putting up with me."  
  
"It's in the job description," she replied, matching the soft smile on his face with one of her own. 


	24. Part 16c: Of Fathers and Sons

Having returned to her chair, Maddie took a deep breath and picked up their file she had set on the floor. I need to pull myself together ASAP, she thought. This session will end up being a wash if I don't focus. Opening their file, she skimmed over her earlier notes, the before-Russia part-Annie and Josh-and struggled to put a timeline to all this.   
  
Judging by everything Harm had told her, this put his emotional struggle with his MIA father about the time he was seeing Annie-give or take a few months. In all probability, the uncertainty about his father and his relationship with Annie and Josh happened about the same time, giving weight to her theory that Harm was trying to rewrite history with Josh. If she was correct, he went to Russia after he and Annie broke up. How very interesting, she thought, making note of it in the file.  
  
"Why don't you continue, Harm," Maddie said with a calm and controlled voice, unlike her previous remarks.  
  
He went on, "Eventually we met up with a woman in rural Russia who knew my father. Since she spoke only Russian, Mac translated for me. She told us the story of how he came to live with her and her brother. They never knew his name since he didn't speak the language and they didn't know English."  
  
"Then how did she know he was your father?" Maddie queried.   
  
"The resemblance-she realized that I must be his son because I looked like him. Through Mac's interpretation, I found out from her that Dad died saving her from Russian soldiers who had attacked her. Her brother buried the bodies so they wouldn't be found-somewhere deep in the forest. She didn't know where because her brother had died since then." Harm was able to relate this part of the story effortlessly, as if he were retelling a mythical epic he had read-except he had lived it.   
  
"How did that make you feel?"  
  
"I was devastated. All those years I knew he had to be alive-he was. But he died honorably-just as he lived. Two years later, I found out that I wasn't the only son he left behind. He had a relationship with a woman who had given him a son after his death-my brother, Sergei."  
  
"Your father had a relationship with a Russian woman?" Maddie asked in disbelief.  
  
"I guess he knew he would never come home. He had told my mother in a tape-one I hadn't listened to until before I went to Russia-for her to go on with her life if anything had happened to him. She did, and I guess he did too."  
  
"How did you feel when you found out you had brother?"  
  
"At the time, I was confused. Maybe a little hurt. But all my life my father was this . . . this hero to me. I guess it helped me to realize he was more human than I allowed him to be."  
  
"How do you feel about him today?"  
  
"He's my brother-I love him."  
  
Mac had been watching Harm as he continued to tell Maddie about his dad and Sergei. She could tell by the wistful look on his face that he was probably coming to terms with all of this as he spoke to Maddie. Sergei was an important part of his life now-the one lasting connection to his father. It was almost as if his father was giving him something to cling onto from beyond the grave.   
  
"How did your mother react to the existence of Sergei?"  
  
"I didn't tell her right away-after I had found out. I might have never told her if circumstances didn't force me to do it. When I did, she took it quite well. What had upset her most was knowing my dad had missed out on much of my life. I think that hurt her more than anything."  
  
Mac looked over at Harm; his voice was now sounding tired and, frankly, he looked rather exhausted-much like she had felt after her discussion about her father. This session had truly become an emotional ride from hell for all of them. For his sake, she had hoped that they would end this session soon. In her estimation, they were nearing the two hour mark with Maddie. Actually, an hour fifty-three to be exact. The bill for this session alone could buy Maddie several cases of those aspirin, she mused. Watching Maddie make notes in their file, Mac wondered what the next step was going to be today.   
  
Maddie looked like she'd survived a tornado and felt like she'd ran a marathon-wearing combat boots. Her neatly coifed hair had become ragged from her bad habit of tucking the pencil behind her ear. She had repositioned it so many times, she was sure she'd get lead poisoning. Having finished writing the last of her observations, she checked her watch and decided that they all probably had had enough today-herself included.   
  
Scanning her pages of notes briefly, she thought, this is true progress. Harm not only discussed his father and his obsession with finding him, but he also came to the realization that his relationship with Annie and Josh was born from this obsession with the loss of his father. But, more importantly, the interaction between Harm and Mac was paramount in this session-their emotional closeness was quite apparent. Actions speak louder than words, she thought, and I hope it's going off like gongs in their heads.  
  
Maddie knew continuing the session was out of the question for many reasons, one of which was the emotional exhaustion she could see written all over Harm's face. Now the difficult decision of when to schedule them for their next session lay in front of her. She had planned a long weekend to spend time with her sister, but letting them go so long between appointments, especially when progress had been made, could prove to be detrimental to the entire therapeutic process. Mulling over her plans for tomorrow morning, she figured if she got up early, she could squeeze them in for an hour without disrupting the day.   
  
Finally making her decision, she said, "We've made quite a bit of progress today. In light of all this, I'm suggesting we get together tomorrow morning."  
  
The duo looked at one another; Mac shrugged her shoulders saying, "It's okay with me. Harm . . ."  
  
"It's fine with me too," he said, nodding his head in agreement. Looking in Maddie's direction, he asked, "Any time in particular?"  
  
"How's eight o'clock?"  
  
Harm opened his mouth, ready to challenge the early morning time, when Mac spoke up.  
  
"Suck it up, Sailor."  
  
He chuckled, shook his head and said, "Fine by me."  
  
"Great!" Maddie said. She didn't bother to write it down because there was no way in hell she was forgetting about this session. Setting down their file on the floor, she stood up, straightening her sweater and attempting to smooth out her hair.  
  
Harm and Mac stood as well. She grabbed her purse, and they both slipped on their coats. Maddie was already at the door, opening it, when they had moved from behind the coffee table.  
  
"Thanks Maddie," Harm said, extending his hand to her.   
  
Maddie accepted his gesture, smiling, "You made a lot of progress today, Harm. Go home and get some rest, okay?"  
  
Mac also grasped Maddie's hand, giving a genuine "Thank you." Maddie knew there was more than just gratitude in those two words. Considering Mac's little revelation earlier, she was sure she was grateful for the kept secret as well.  
  
Once the two had moved into the outer office and then out the door into the hallway, Maddie retreated to her office. Kicking off her slippers, she laid down on the sofa with a thud and a sigh. She closed her eyes and then covered her face with her hands, grateful that her clients were finished for today. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy their witty repartee or their adventures-she found them to be quite entertaining-professionally speaking, that is. Their sessions were exhausting her-mentally and physically. But, at least they were going in the right direction. "Yeah," she said with a laugh, "right into a hotel room-a locked hotel room."  
  
Seconds later, she heard the soft tinkling of a bell from a certain feline who had been in hiding most of their session. Just as swiftly as he came into the room, he had jumped up onto the sofa, beginning his trek up to Maddie's chest.  
  
"Oh, Zolly," she groaned, "You're not as light as you used to be."  
  
The furry creature laid out straight on her chest, nuzzling her hands covering her face. He chirped and meowed and head butted her until she gave in and petted him. Maddie rolled onto her side to move him onto the sofa next to her, rather than have 15 pounds of cat on top of her.  
  
"So, Zoloft, you abandoned me today. I could have used some support in here. Obviously your nap comes first, huh?" she said, rubbing him behind the ears.  
  
Checking her watch, she realized she still had a few appointments left in the day, with the next one due at any moment. Gently shooing Zoloft off the sofa, she sat up and decided a trip to the bathroom was a priority to tidy up her appearance.   
  
"I wonder how many more grey hairs they gave me today," she said fingering the loose strands of hair as she walked into her private bathroom.  
  
~~~~  
  
Harm and Mac were more than ready to leave Maddie's office. Harm's lanky frame ached from having sat too long on a sofa clearly made for the female frame. And Mac-she felt like she was jet-lagged; the lack of a decent night's sleep was finally catching up with her. Walking out into the hallway, Harm held the door for her. She slung the strap from her purse over her left shoulder and stuffed her hands in her coat pockets. Together they began the trek down the hall to the stairwell. Neither had spoken to the other since their good-byes to Maddie in her office, both being absorbed in their thoughts to some degree.   
  
As they walked, Mac watched Harm zip his jacket and reach into his pocket for his keys. The weary look on his face didn't nearly tell the emotions that held his thoughts captive now. He knew Maddie was just doing her job, delving into his past like that. Part of him was relieved he had talked about his father-discussing feelings he had never told anyone. Some of it actually felt good to get out into the open, yet he still couldn't help but feel angry. The discussion with Maddie was nagging at him. He thought he could keep what occurred in that room-in that room-but it wasn't going to happen. The last thing he wanted to do was bring it all home with him. But as his thoughts became more of a jumbled ball in his head, he knew there was no way around it.  
  
"Harm?" Mac called his name but noticed he wasn't hearing her. He looked a million miles away, his eyes almost trance-like as he continued down the hall, reaching the stairwell ahead of her, and automatically opening the door for her.   
  
"Harm . . ." Mac said again, a little more loudly, grabbing his arm as well.  
  
Having been so preoccupied with his thoughts, Harm snapped his head around, jolted back to reality, "Huh? What?" he said sharply, not realizing the tone of his voice until the words were out of his mouth and he could hear them echoing off the white plaster walls.  
  
"For a minute there I thought I lost you. What's wrong?" Mac asked, taking his outburst in stride. You're still in that session, aren't you, she thought, concerned.  
  
He started to say 'nothing', but thought better of it. Mac had become quite adept at reading his diversionary tactics over the years. He knew there would be no getting past this one. Sighing, he leaned against the open door and distractedly ran his hand through his hair.   
  
"It's been a helluva day, hasn't it," he said, not knowing where to start or what to say.  
  
Mac rested her hand on his arm, "Yeah, it has . . . are you okay?" She searched his blue eyes, trying to read his emotions and put how he felt into perspective.   
  
Harm snickered a little, "I feel like I punched out again."   
  
He stood there, just looking at her-studying her face and her smile-wondering why she had stuck with him all this time. She seemed to understand him-and what searching for his father had meant to him. Retelling the story to Maddie made him realize how dangerous it was-not just for him-but for Mac, too. She had tried to reason with him and get him to understand how their lives were in jeopardy.   
  
**You can quit. I can't. My father is out there somewhere and I'm going to find him.  
  
Or die trying?  
  
Or die trying. But you shouldn't. You've come with me farther than anyone I know. I'll never forget that Mac.**  
  
Even though he needed her there with him, he still had tried to give her the out he thought she was looking for and she didn't take it. Looking back now, he knew that she had only their best interest at heart. I always think with my heart and my emotions, and she thinks with her head. I guess that's why we're so good together.   
  
Reaching over to her, he traced a line along her jaw with his finger, then cupped her face with his hand, relishing the feel of her skin against his.  
  
"Thanks," he said quietly.  
  
With a smile, she replied, "You said that already."  
  
"I don't say it enough," he said tenderly, his voice husky with emotion.  
  
The deepness and inflection of his voice made Mac catch her breath. His touch had made her tingle and her heart race, yet she could feel the blush in her cheeks. For all his exasperating and belligerent traits that drove her crazy, he more than made up for it with his tenderness.  
  
The sound of approaching feet on the stairs broke the moment the two had become lost in. Turning around, Harm was suddenly face to face with an elderly woman, carrying a small Yorkshire terrier on her arm. Both dog and owner wore matching accessories-the dog wearing a diamond studded collar that was a smaller replica of his owner's necklace.  
  
"Excuse me, young man," she said with a thick Southern drawl, "I don't want to interrupt whatever you two are engaged in, but I'm late for my appointment."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Harm said, backing away to give the woman some room to walk through the doorway, holding the door for her as any gentleman would.  
  
"What a cute dog," Mac said, reaching out to pet it, only to be met with a snarl and a high-pitched bark that was more like a yap. As quickly as she reached out, Mac snatched her hand back with surprise, hoping all her fingers were intact.  
  
"He doesn't like cat people, do you precious," she cooed to the animal as she sauntered past a stunned Harm and Mac.  
  
"I hope she isn't Maddie's next appointment," Mac said.  
  
"Why?" asked Harm, not catching the connection she was implying.  
  
"In a word-Zolly. He'd have that dog for lunch and floss his teeth with that diamond collar," she joked.  
  
The couple lingered in the hallway and laughed at the scenario Mac had described. Then they both cringed, watching as the woman entered Maddie's office, dog in tow. Not wanting to be around when the fur started flying, they decided to leave-in a hurry.  
  
~~~~  
  
As they reached the lower level of the building, Harm checked his watch. It was now past one o'clock. The afternoon sun was finally winning the war with the earlier rain clouds, attempting to dry the streets in the still-damp autumn air.   
  
Not having eaten since breakfast at the diner, he was about to suggest a late lunch when he saw Mac stifle a yawn. That nightmare deprived her of more sleep than she'd ever admit, he thought.  
  
"Are you tired?" he asked, stating the obvious.  
  
"That's an understatement," Mac replied with another yawn, covering her mouth with the back of her hand.   
  
"I was going to suggest lunch, but I think we're both exhausted," he said honestly, longing for the sofa and at least a two hour nap. He realized now exactly how Mac had felt yesterday after discussing her father, because today he felt it in every inch of his body.  
  
"Maybe a rain check?" Mac asked as they crossed the street to his SUV.   
  
"I think I can manage that," he said with a smile, holding the door open for her, and then shutting it gently once she was inside. He walked around to the other side and slid in the seat, placing his keys in the ignition. Glancing over at his passenger, her head tilted back against the seat with her eyes shut, he realized she had never looked more beautiful to him. 


	25. Part 17a: Hello, Goodbye

~~~Hello, Goodbye~~~  
  
With a turn of the key and a quick shift in gears, Harm lurched the SUV into motion, beginning their trek back to Mac's apartment. He briefly turned on the wipers to brush the leaves off the windshield that the earlier rain had brought down from the trees. The sun had finally won the battle with the clouds, glistening off the raindrops that speckled the hood of the vehicle. Harm felt a sense of relief that the rain had passed, but wondered too if it was because the session was finally over. Probably a little of both, he thought.  
  
In his opinion, the day had worn on long enough, beginning with the panicked call from Mac in the middle of the night. It's not that he minded-he didn't. He was thankful he could be there for her when she needed him most. Just like she had been there for him in Russia and countless other times in his life.   
  
Russia . . . his dad . . . All of Maddie's poking and prodding disrupted the neat little package that he had tucked his life inside, making it ragged and worn. He had so desperately wanted to leave it there in Maddie's office. Except, now he was trying to salvage what was left of it.   
  
Mulling the session over again, he realized that some of his earlier ambivalence about discussing his father had faded into quiet assent as the session had pressed on. Walking out of that office, he had wavered between anger and acceptance, finally settling on the latter. Yet he couldn't dismiss the empty feeling it had unexpectedly given him.   
  
Never in a million years did he think that his relationship with his father-his parents-had anything remotely to do with his relationships with women. Throughout the session, Maddie had opened his eyes to the prospect that his relationship with Annie and Josh had been fueled by the loss of his father. Looking back now, he knew with certainty that she was right; he was trying to relive his life then. He wondered if Annie had thought the same thing as well. She probably never made the connection, especially not having known about his obsession with his father. After the Tiger Cruise incident, they never spoke again. Perhaps it's better that way, he thought.  
  
Harm's mind was mired in quicksand as he struggled with all that had transpired today. Dad was my hero-he will always be my hero. I wish I could change it all, but I can't rewrite history . . . Mom went on with her life, as I should have. Holding it against her-unintentionally or not-was wrong. It's taken most of my life for me to see that, he thought remorsefully . . . And Frank-I never gave him the love he deserved. He tried to be part of my life and I shut him out. I didn't want him filling my father's shoes. Yet, he did a damn good job of filling his own, despite me.   
  
Feeling the warmth of eyes upon him, Harm glanced over in Mac's direction to find her watching him intently.  
  
"Hey . . . I thought you were sleeping," he said.  
  
"Can't. It's too noisy in here."   
  
"Uh, what noise . . ." he asked confused. When they had gotten into the car, he hadn't turned on the radio. And the wipers-he'd long since turned them off. Still, he couldn't understand what Mac was saying to him.  
  
"The noise in your head," she replied with a gentle smile.  
  
Nearing the intersection, the traffic light turned red and Harm slowed the vehicle to a stop. He then looked over at Mac, puzzled, still trying to understand what she meant.  
  
"You've been thinking about the session with Maddie," she simply stated.  
  
"How did you know?" he asked, giving her a sidelong glance, yet trying to keep his eye on the light.  
  
"After all these years I can tell when something is bothering you," Mac replied.  
  
"So, you're a mind reader too?"   
  
"No."  
  
"Then how . . ." came the confused response. I wonder what other talents she possesses besides that time thing she does and now this, he mused, eyeing her curiously.  
  
"You were drumming your fingers on the steering wheel," she said. "And of course the furrowed brow is always a dead giveaway."  
  
Harm snickered, "I didn't realize I was that transparent."  
  
"Not always. Although, sometimes I wish you were," she said wistfully. Sometimes you're as clear as mud, she thought.  
  
Harm was about to question her 'wish you were' comment, but the blaring of a horn from behind him jolted him like a lightening bolt. The previously red light was now green, as the impatient driver so bluntly reminded him. He waved his hand in acknowledgement, ever so slightly embarrassed by his inattentiveness.  
  
Mac tried to suppress a laugh at his distraction. She was relieved that they were finding some humor in the course of the day, despite its issues. Issues-there were plenty of them. She had longed to talk to him about the session with Maddie, and other things. Thinking better of it, she decided to shelve it to a time when they were both in a better frame of mind. Harm would rehash the day eventually-it was in his nature. No amount of pleading would stop him. She just hoped he didn't dwell on it too much, for his sake. Yet, she still needed to hear from him that he was okay.  
  
"Harm . . ."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You are all right, aren't you?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I know Maddie really pushed you into talking about your dad. I just hope that you understand that she's only trying to help us."  
  
Harm mulled over her words. He really didn't hold all this against Maddie-it is her job. Although, he was beginning to wonder if Mac had thought it was her fault they were in this situation-the counseling-to begin with.   
  
Baby, it's not your fault, he thought with a sigh, it's just as much my fault. He out-and-out didn't want to broach this subject with her for fear she'd take it all the wrong way. Upsetting the delicate balance they had gained would have been more than a step backward-it would have been disastrous.  
  
Trying to put the right spin on his words, he said, "I understand-completely." More than you think I do, he added mentally.  
  
Content with his response for the time being, Mac allowed them to fall into a comfortable silence for the remainder of the ride to her place. Savoring it, the duo knew that tomorrow morning would bring yet another session with their counselor. As in other sessions, Maddie had a way of turning past events into something resembling a three ring circus. Of course, it probably wasn't her fault considering the past history of the two officers was quite colorful to begin with.   
  
1322 hours  
  
Georgetown  
  
As Harm eased the SUV into the parking spot on the street next to Mac's place, she readied herself to get out, gathering her purse and making sure she had her keys. She glanced over at Harm, noting how weary he looked, which she had known would be inevitable. After discussing her own fatherly influence on her life-or lack thereof-she felt like a train had hit her. She could only imagine how he felt right now.   
  
Likewise, she was feeling the effects the nightmare had had on a good night's sleep. She attempted to stifle yet another yawn. Thank God I had the presence of mind to keep the rest of the day clear; I could really use a nap right now. Looking at Harm, she was hesitant to get out of the car. She didn't want his past to smother him, like her past had done to her.  
  
Harm caught a glimpse of the exhaustion Mac was unable to hide. He hoped her earlier anguish over the nightmare wouldn't hold her hostage again and deprive her of some much needed rest. Although he hated saying goodbye to her, her well-being was more important. It had crossed his mind to find an excuse to stay. There's no way in hell she's going to buy it, he thought. Besides, I'm not going to press the issue with her right now. Things have been better than they had been in a long time, why tempt fate?  
  
He had enjoyed the time spent with her this morning at breakfast, and had felt-hoped-that she did too. The diversion had been just what they needed. It seemed like forever since they had truly enjoyed their friendship, especially over a casual meal. And despite the effects of the counseling, he could honestly say they were friends again. Well, it's not that they ever weren't. It's just things got screwed up somehow. For the life of him, he couldn't remember when or how it got that way.   
  
"Well, I guess I should go in," he heard her say, pulling him from his thoughts.  
  
"Are you going to be okay?" he asked, concerned, resting his hand on her arm.  
  
"I should be asking you that," Mac laughed, "You're worried about me-after all that you went through today?"  
  
"Can't help it, you mean the world to me," he said quietly. He then looked away, realizing he had actually said the words instead of keeping them in his head.  
  
Mac stared at him, her brain unable to form a coherent thought. She realized the blush in her cheeks wasn't from the warmth of the car. Well, okay, so it was from the warmth **inside** the car. She couldn't remember the last time any man had made her feel so cared for and needed. Maybe there's a point to this counseling after all, she thought.  
  
"Call me later, let me know you're okay," she heard herself say shyly.  
  
"Count on it, Marine," he said tenderly.  
  
Impulsively, Mac leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before disappearing out the door of the SUV and into the sanctuary of the building. She still had ambivalent feelings about letting him leave, and briefly entertained the notion of asking him in. As she turned around briefly, she caught a glimpse of him just as he pulled away from the curb. With a sigh, she retreated to her apartment.  
  
****  
  
Harm laughed a little at the heat he felt in his own cheeks, unable to recall the last time he had felt like that. Well, actually, he could remember, but it would take him a lifetime to list all the times Sarah Mackenzie had made him feel that way. He waited until he saw her go into the building before he pulled away from the curb and headed home.  
  
1335 hours  
  
Harm's apartment  
  
Relieved to be home, Harm shut the door to his apartment with a sigh. He tossed his keys on the table by the door, then stripped off his jacket and threw it over the back of sofa. Undecided if he was tired or hungry, he strode to the refrigerator to see if there was anything appetizing before deciding the game plan for the rest of the day.  
  
Standing in front of the open refrigerator, he leaned against the door, the cool air washing over him. At the moment, the only thing that seemed palatable to him was sleep. He shut the refrigerator and returned to the sofa where he had thrown his coat. Moving it aside, he sat down with a thud, resting his head against its back and closing his eyes. He figured sleep would be fleeting since his mind was still swimming with thoughts of his father, the session with Maddie, and, of course, Mac.   
  
Mac's the one thing I've done right in my life, he thought. She has this way of bringing out the best in me, in spite of my obvious flaws. It's no wonder I'm in love with her, he thought effortlessly, as he finally gave in to the exhaustion that had taken up residence in his body.  
  
15 minutes earlier  
  
Mac's Apartment  
  
Removing her coat and kicking her shoes off as she shut the door behind her, Mac could still feel the warmth of Harm's cheek against her lips. Even though it was a quick, impulsive kiss, it had made her heart race. She hoped she didn't embarrass herself too much-it was kind of forward of her. Nonetheless, he didn't seem to mind, she thought with a smile.  
  
Heading to the kitchen, her first order of business was a hot cup of tea. Once the heat was cranked under the kettle, she went to the refrigerator and made herself a sandwich. Breakfast was so long ago, lunch would probably become dinner if she waited any longer. She smiled as she thought about the earlier breakfast with Harm at the diner. She wished they could have spent more time together today. Considering all they had been through with Maddie, she completely understood. Hell, her day didn't start out any better, she thought, shuddering at the thought of the nightmare.  
  
After preparing her lunch and a cup of tea, she moved to the dining room table to eat, spreading out the newspaper in front of her. She thought about the dream, considering what it all could mean. Yeah, part of it was probably her over-active imagination running amok. But she was concerned there was some deeper meaning she was missing, other than her feelings for Harm. She had discussed the dream with Maddie and she hadn't mentioned anything about "deeper meanings" or "subconscious" stuff, but then again, she's a counselor not a dream analyst. Even with talking about it, it still troubled her. Talk about over-analyzing things, she mused.  
  
Although today was definitely better than yesterday, she was still left with an uneasy feeling. Something in the back of her mind had been nagging her-something from that nightmare. Actually, she knew exactly what part of the nightmare it was, having considered it many times before. At one time, resolving it meant someone would have gotten hurt. Now, it really didn't matter anymore, the hurt had already been inflicted; now it was time to start healing those wounds, but how?   
  
Quickly finishing her lunch and what she could tolerate of the paper, she went into her bedroom to lie down and try to rest. Still, **it** kept nagging at her. She thought for a moment and then reached for the bedside phone, dialing a familiar number. After about five rings, a half-asleep voice, with a profound Australian accent, picked up. 


	26. Part 17b: Hello, Goodbye

"'ello?"   
  
"Um, hi . . ." Mac said, wavering a bit and gripping the phone for support. The sound of his voice put her body in suspended animation, with the exception of her heart which was now beating out of her chest. It had been fourteen months since they had talked. Actually, since she tried to talk to him as he was boarding a plane bound for Australia.   
  
"Sarah?" Mic whispered disbelievingly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and slid out, trying not to disturb the sleeping female form next to him. He stealthily moved from the bedroom to the living room, before taking the call out to the balcony.   
  
"Yeah, Mic, it's me," Mac said as she bit her lower lip. "Sorry to have woken you. It's been a long time since I had to worry about time differences. It must be about four-thirty there," she knew she was rambling, but couldn't control it.  
  
"Three-thirty, actually."   
  
Mac felt guilty for waking him up. But, she had acted impetuously-wanting to get this over with sooner than later.  
  
"Is everything alright?" Mic asked with a yawn. Frankly, he never thought he'd hear from her again. He wondered if something had happened. Why would she call me, of all people, in time of crisis?   
  
"Um, yeah, things are fine . . . sort of," her voice was shaky from the nerves that were gripping her.  
  
"How's Rabb? Isn't he upset that you're calling me?" Mic couldn't help but ask with a note of sarcasm. Rabb was never one of his favorite people, to say the least.  
  
"He doesn't know," Mac said quietly. She didn't know why she was whispering; she was alone in her apartment. Guilt-there was that feeling again-this time for going through with it and calling him. She wondered what Harm's reaction would be when he found out-well, if I decide to tell him. But, I can't think about that now.  
  
"So, you two finally got together, eh? And you're already keeping secrets-how lovely," he said, scornfully.   
  
"Uh, not exactly . . . we're, uh, working through some issues," she said tentatively, phrasing her words carefully. Damn it, I can't do this, she thought, her hand shaking as she ran it through her hair.  
  
"Sounds like you're seeing a bloody shrink, if you ask me," Mic said with a cynical laugh.  
  
Mac's end of the line was silent. She didn't realize she had been so obvious. Mic finding out about the counseling was the last thing she wanted to happen. He had always been so critical of her decisions and this . . . oh, God, why does it matter what he thinks anymore. Mac got up from the bed and started pacing the floor.  
  
He noticed her hesitancy to answer. This conversation was becoming strange and uncomfortable, in his estimation. Mic never thought he'd be talking to Sarah about Rabb and the relationship they may or may not have.  
  
"Why the phone call, Sarah?" Mic asked, with some concern and less indifference.  
  
"I, uh . . ." Mac stammered, not knowing how to put into words what she wanted to say. "I just thought it was time we closed this book, Mic-for good."  
  
"Why now? It's been over a year," Mic stated coldly. He paused, and then said, "We were over before we began, Sarah."   
  
Mac took a deep breath, resolving to not let him get to her. She needed to finish the conversation they started the night he packed up his stuff in her apartment and moved out. For a moment, Mac had blamed herself for what transpired between her and Mic. But, recalling something Harm had said to her, she had realized that it wasn't entirely her fault.  
  
**Don't blame yourself for this. Brumby has always acted impulsively. It was just a matter of time.**  
  
Ignoring the silence on Mac's end of the call, Mic said, "If you're calling for my blessing Sarah, you had it the day I got on that plane."  
  
Finally setting free the anger she had felt at him a year ago, she said decisively, "For the record, I don't need your blessing. The reason I called was to tie up the loose ends that you left when you got on that plane."  
  
"Well, for the record," he said, mirroring her words tartly, "I don't have any loose ends. I got on with my life." Mic took a deep breath and paced the deck of the balcony. "The first person you ran to after I walked out was Rabb. Why run to him if nothing was going on?"  
  
"He's my best friend, Mic." She wasn't sure why she needed to convince him of that-especially now.  
  
"I thought I was supposed to be your best friend-you were marrying me, remember?"  
  
"Yeah, I do," she spat, recalling the numerous times he had reminded her of it.  
  
"Why did you take my ring in the first place, Sarah?"  
  
There it was. The question that had plagued her for nearly the past two years was now in her face demanding an answer. Oh, she had answers all right-millions of them. Yet none of them seemed to fit the real reason.   
  
"I don't know, Mic. I guess I was flattered by all the attention you gave me." She paused, collecting her thoughts, and then added, "Truthfully, I did care about you."  
  
"But that doesn't answer my question."  
  
"I didn't want to hurt your feelings . . ."  
  
Mic cut her off before she could continue, "Hurt my feelings? What the bloody hell Sarah!"  
  
Angered, words began pouring from her mouth, "Mic . . . you pressured me to take the ring-I didn't think we had that kind of relationship. But, I honestly thought that in time I could have loved you like you wanted-needed-me to. Then, you pressured me again by resigning your commission without a word to me. Fine-I dealt with it. Just as things were moving along at just the right speed, you threatened to go back to Australia-yet again pressuring me! God, don't you get it Mic!" Mac paced the floor, breathless with fury. She didn't know what was worse, Mic manipulating her or her allowing it.  
  
"You can't make this about me, Sarah. Rabb had a hand in it too," Mic said through gritted teeth, straining to keep his voice from bellowing in the early morning air and from waking his guest.  
  
"Damn you, Mic. Don't bring Harm into this. This was about us! If we had been right for one another, don't you think we'd be together now?"   
  
Mac rubbed her forehead in frustration, wondering if this was such a good idea after all. She took advantage of Mic's silence to take a deep breath. Sure, nothing was ever easy with him-not even now, she thought with a sigh. She stopped pacing abruptly to think where this conversation was going, besides to hell in a hand basket. Before she could collect her thoughts enough to add more to her argument, Mic spoke, the anger in his voice assuaged by his silence.  
  
"Sarah . . . Mac . . . look . . . let's just chalk all this up to incompatibility. There was no way in hell it would have ever worked between us- for whatever reason. I saw that too late."  
  
Mac wasn't sure how to respond to this. He sounded sincere enough. Resolving to put an end to the hostility, she said quietly, "Mic, I am truly sorry that things got as far as they did. I want you to know that I did love you-I just wasn't in love with you."   
  
Catching her breath, Mac was relieved she could finally say those words to him. She had known it all along but was so focused on not wanting to hurt him that she didn't-couldn't-do what was right.  
  
"Yeah, for what it's worth, I did love you," he said quietly.  
  
An uncomfortable silence briefly settled between them before Mac decided it was time to finish the conversation and get on with her life as well.   
  
"Thanks, Mic. I'm sorry to have woken you."  
  
"No worries, luv. Have a good life," he said with a slight hint of regret Mac never heard. A quick good-bye and a click of the phone later, it was over.   
  
Mac replaced the phone on its receiver, and then sat back down on the bed, exhausted. She was having a difficult time interpreting what she was feeling now-guilt, sadness, relief? Whatever it was, she was too tired to figure it all out. Instead, she lay down on her side, scrunched her pillow in her arms and closed her eyes. She offered a silent prayer that she had banished those dream demons once and for all.  
  
1720 hours  
  
Harm's apartment  
  
The chill of the apartment brushed over his body, waking Harm from the nap he had settled into. Sitting up, he realized that he was still on the sofa in the same position he was earlier, except now the apartment was cast with early evening darkness. With a yawn, he languidly stretched out his long form out on the sofa, unwilling to give up its comfortable confines just yet.   
  
Mac-he hoped that she was getting some much needed rest. Considering calling her, he thought better of it, not wanting to wake her in case she had decided to lie down. There's plenty of time to check in on her later, he thought.  
  
Earlier, when sleep had finally consumed his body, his subconscious had taken over, placing Mac in the forefront of his dreams. He had fallen asleep thinking of her and woke up in the same place in his mind. He wasn't surprised he dreamt of her, as it had happened before-too many times to count.  
  
Smiling, he could still feel her lips on his cheek from the chaste kiss she had given him before leaving the car. Even now, its warmth still caressed his soul. He chastised himself for reading too much into it. It's not like we've never kissed before, he mused.   
  
He could recall each kiss as if it were happening all over again. However, there was only one-one intense kiss-he had remembered vividly. The coolness of the night, the warmth of her body pressed against his, the urgency to make her understand how he felt. The sensation of it was burned into his heart, God forbid he should never feel those lips and that mouth again.   
  
**We're getting too good at saying goodbye.**  
  
Why did we let it get this far, he recalled Mac asking him last night after her nightmare. There were so many times in his life that he needed her and wanted her. But getting the both of them on the same page at the same time had been a tremendous task. At some time or another, they had been involved with someone else, which eventually ended. From what he could recall, his friendship with Mac always seemed to be a threat to any woman he dated. We're best friends, why would she have been a threat? Then again, a kiss like that doesn't happen between friends, he mused. Echoes of a past conversation took over his mind.  
  
**I don't know why we couldn't work things out with us, Harm . . . So where does that leave us?  
  
I don't know, Mac. At the end, I guess.  
  
How about back at the beginning.**  
  
Except I can't find the beginning. It's like it's one big circle with no ends. Overwhelmed with his thoughts, he sighed and reluctantly pushed himself up from the sofa. Lying around wasn't accomplishing anything.  
  
He strode across the room, clicking on a light to check the time. Well, I certainly missed lunch, he thought, judging by the time and an ever-present gnawing in his stomach. Determined to put his energy into something productive, he went into the bedroom and changed into clothes suitable for running. Dinner could wait until later.  
  
1815 hours  
  
The Capital   
  
Taking advantage of the lights of the city, Harm chose to run on the streets rather than in the park as he usually did. He had no agenda in mind, just going wherever his feet would lead him. The scent of the earlier rain had lingered in the air, refreshing him. In the coolness of the evening, he could see his breath with each huff he exhaled. The scrunching of the fallen leaves under his feet provided the accompaniment for the beat his feet were drumming out on the damp concrete and pavement. It was such an exhilarating rush, yet still incomparable to flying. Releasing energy from his body allowed his mind to become clearer with every step he took. Considering the days' events, he needed a clear mind to put his life into perspective.  
  
Moments later, he found himself in familiar territory-Constitution Gardens. Slowing his run to a gentle trot, he didn't need a map to know exactly where he was. As he brought his body to a stop, he took a few strides until his reflection appeared on smoothness of the stone wall. The streetlights that surrounded the park provided just enough glow, illuminating the letters that formed his father's name.   
  
He bent over at his waist, allowing his heart-rate and his body to decelerate, stretching to keep his muscles from cramping up. With the sleeve of his right arm, he wiped the sweat that had accumulated on his brow. He took a deep breath, filling his lungs with fresh air. Mac's subconscious had manifested the stress of yesterday's session into a nightmare. Harm's subconscious had a different way of dealing with his stressors-they physically took him to a place of comfort.  
  
With the impending Veteran's Day holiday, the Memorial was bustling with activities and visitors. It didn't bother him in the least. Whenever he came here, he could effectively shut out the world. Rubbing his hands together for warmth, he then reached out with his right hand, brushing it gently over the etching-his fingers recognizing every nuance of every letter carved into the black marble.   
  
This is where he could find peace-in silent commune with his father. This is where he could heal the wounds inflicted upon his soul during the session. Here he could make the emptiness go away.  
  
Maddie didn't intentionally hurt him-it all had come out in the course of therapy. He could have said no, but he didn't. Subconsciously he needed to talk about it. His mom could have stopped him years ago, but she didn't. She knew he had to work it all out on his own. That's why she acquiesced, letting him go to Russia.   
  
Healing-it was time to let go and move on with his life. He would always have his father in his memories. But he wouldn't allow his memories to continue to be the obsession that controlled his life anymore.   
  
Standing there, Harm reminisced about his dad-what he could remember of him as a boy of six. Those are the memories he would want me to keep, he thought, not the what-ifs or the could-have-beens. It was time to put those away for good. And it was time to ask forgiveness from those who I should have never hurt by my obsession in the first place-Mom and Frank.  
  
Reaching under his sweatshirt, Harm pulled his cell phone from the band of his sweats. He checked his watch before dialing a number known by heart. After only two rings, the sweet, melodious tone of his mother's voice filled his ears.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi Mom."  
  
"Harm? To what do I owe the honor of this call?" she chuckled, teasing him.  
  
Her laugh soothed him and comforted him. "It's been too long since we've talked. I just thought I'd call. Sometimes a son just needs to hear his mother's voice."  
  
Moving to a nearby bench, Harm sat down and spent time with two of the three people who meant most in his life-his father and his mother. The other he promised to call later-once he was certain she had gotten much needed rest. 


	27. Part 18: The Road I'm On

~~~The Road I'm On~~~  
  
1938 local  
  
Harm's Apartment  
  
Harm strode into his apartment with a sigh, welcoming its warm relief from the cold evening air. He hadn't planned to be out for as long as he had been, especially since he had decided to hold off dinner until after his run. Now, according to his best guess, it was already past 1930. He had spent most of his time at the Wall talking with his mother on his cell phone, only ending it when the battery began to give out.   
  
Tossing his keys on the counter, Harm had checked the machine for messages and quickly thumbed through the mail he had brought in with him. He had briefly given thought to calling Mac, but decided to wait until after he had a shower. And boy, do I need one, he thought, picking at the fleece shirt, damp with sweat, as he headed in the direction of the bedroom.  
  
For the first time since all this counseling began, he had truly felt it was worth something. He was initially angry with the Admiral for pushing them into this. But now he was indebted he had insisted upon it. Besides beginning to come to terms with his obsession with his father, he had felt he and Mac were getting to that place in their friendship they had forgotten existed.   
  
Silently he promised himself that if things were going to change for the better, it was going to start with him. Their lives had become so intertwined, at times he had forgotten where he ended and she began. "Losing that . . . losing Mac . . . I can't imagine it and I hope I don't ever have to," he sighed.  
  
He walked through the bedroom and into the bathroom. Opening the door to the shower, Harm turned the handle on the faucet, adjusting the temperature of the water on the hotter side. Nothing felt better after a run than hot, pulsating water on his tired muscles. He moved back into the bedroom to get out of his clothes, passing his stereo along the way. He paused briefly to press the power button and push 'shuffle' on the CD player before stripping off his clothes.  
  
Harm sauntered back to the bathroom sans the sweaty clothes which had found a home on the bedroom floor. The coolness of the air on his naked form made him crave the warmth of the shower. He slipped inside its confines, closing the glass door. Eagerly he got under the cascade of hot water, savoring the tingling of his skin and how alive it made him feel. He stood there for a few moments, allowing the heat of the water to permeate his muscles before reaching for the liquid soap and lathering his body.   
  
After what seemed like an eternity, Harm reluctantly turned off the water. He opened the door slightly-enough to grab a towel and keep what was left of the heat and steam behind the glass. He tousled his hair to dry it, ran the towel over the rest of his body before wrapping it around his waist and stepping out onto the cool tile floor. Its frigidness sent a shiver through his body, making him give thought to getting some type of rug or mat for the floor.   
  
As he went back into the bedroom, the CD player changed discs, selecting another song. He recognized the tune immediately, as it was from Sergei's "3 Doors Down" disc that he had left there-one lasting reminder of his brother. I've gotta get that disc back to him someday. He's probably wondering where he left it, Harm thought as the strains of an electric guitar filled the room.   
  
"Someday is always too late," he said to himself, removing the towel from around his waist, and using it to catch the remnants of water left on his skin.   
  
After 37 years as an only child, he had suddenly been thrust into brotherhood with the existence of Sergei. Once the shock wore off, he had no trouble stepping into the role of the older sibling, being overprotective to the point of nearly resigning his commission to ensure his safety and freedom.   
  
Once Sergei was on free soil-courtesy of Webb-Harm was eager to fulfill his role as the older brother. Boy, didn't I screw that up. In less than a year, Sergei was back in Russia-no more the brother than when he got here. He didn't go back because he missed his country, but because I didn't know what being a brother really meant. He never felt like he belonged here-I never made him feel like the family he was. I let my obsession-physical protection over emotional stability-get in the way, Harm mused pensively. Making things right with him is something I need to do-again, someday. But I won't let this someday be too late.  
  
After throwing the wet towel on the bed, he moved to his dresser to retrieve a pair of boxers and find something comfortable to lounge in-since he had no real agenda for the remainder of the evening except to call Mac. The swell of the music and its accompanying words caught his attentions, making him listen a little closer.   
  
**He said life's a lot to think about sometimes  
  
When you keep it all between the lines  
  
Of everything I want and I want to find, one of these days**  
  
Harm stepped into his boxers, pulling them up over his hips. The song's tempo had picked up, and the band's vocalizations became more insistent, drawing him deeper into introspection.  
  
**What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong  
  
Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong**  
  
Isn't that the truth, Harm thought. His life had steered him wrong-chasing after his father's ghost had driven his life to the point of distraction, making it part of the blood that coursed through his veins. Harm was sure that it was born from never having had closure once his father was gone. He never really did say goodbye to him. Instead, he had clung on to the memory of him, not wanting him to slip away into that abyss of darkness where unfulfilled dreams go.  
  
The last real memory he had was of he and his mother accompanying him to the flightline to meet the squadron as it took off toward the carrier at sea-away from his family, away from his son. His obsession had lead him down roads he was certain most sons didn't travel. Now he was at this fork in the road-one path would lead him to his future, the other would lead him back into his past. Which one he chose would impact his life forever.  
  
**I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone  
  
That's the same road, that same road that I am on.**  
  
Harm turned the volume down on the music to a more acceptable level, finding it was now impeding his thoughts. He felt his visit to the Wall this evening was healing, in a way. Being there, remembering his father, talking to his mother, had helped him to put into perspective who and what was important in his life-Mom, Frank, Sergei and of course, Mac. At least now he knew the task that lie before him-he was the only one who could put his life into motion again.   
  
Finally deciding on wearing a robe, Harm returned the wet towel to the bathroom. He ran a comb through his damp hair. Running his hand over his face, he contemplated ridding himself of the stubble that had crept into his cheeks. No sense in doing it now, I'll only have to do it again in the morning, he mused.   
  
As he went into the living room, he took the portable phone with him. With a sigh, he settled himself comfortably on the sofa, putting his bare feet up on the coffee table and crossing them at the ankle. Checking the time first, he dialed Mac's number. I promised her I would call to let her know I'm all right. I haven't made a promise I haven't kept yet.  
  
****  
  
Five minutes earlier  
  
Mac's apartment  
  
After her phone call to Mic, Mac had finally surrendered to the much needed nap her body had craved. She had fallen into a dreamless sleep, for which she was thankful. Waking up an hour and forty-seven minutes later, she had felt somewhat relieved she had gotten talking to Mic out of her system. The call didn't go as well as she had planned. Well, she didn't plan, but it was finished, nonetheless.  
  
Feeling refreshed, Mac had given thought to finding something to do to pass the time until Harm would call. She wanted to talk to him, to make sure he was okay, yet she didn't want to seem pushy or overprotective by calling him either. Besides, he had promised he'd call later-he had never given her any reason to doubt that he would. Mac had resolved to wait to hear from him first before jumping to any conclusions about what he might or might not be doing. Instead, after a quick bite to eat, Mac had thrown herself into the task of transforming her drawers from warm weather clothing to cold weather, since the winter season would soon be upon the city. She made a mental note to thank the Admiral for the thirty days leave. It had allowed her the time to accomplish the necessary housekeeping to put her life into order-the counseling with Harm being paramount.   
  
Mac had been up on the step stool in her bedroom, retrieving her comforter from the shelf when the phone rang, its shrill ring startling her. Intuitively knowing it was Harm, she scurried down, trying to make it there before the machine picked up.  
  
On the third ring, Mac grabbed the phone, breathless, "Hello?"  
  
"Hey . . . ," he said warmly.  
  
"Hey yourself, Sailor. I was wondering where you got to," she said, brushing strands of her tousled hair out of her face.  
  
"I just got home a little while ago. You're out of breath-did I catch you at a bad time?"  
  
"No-just pulling out my comforter for the bed. I was up on the step stool when the phone rang. Where've you been?" Mac asked, moving to the sofa to sit down, tucking her legs up underneath her.  
  
"I had dozed off on the sofa after I dropped you off. Then I went for a run . . . needed to clear my head. What have you been doing besides dangling from step stools?" he asked with a chuckle, a smile filling his unshaven face.  
  
"I caught up on a phone call and then took a nap," Mac said, biting her lip. The words were out of her mouth before she had decided that now wasn't the right time to discuss it. She knew she would eventually tell Harm about her call to Mic, but decided to save it for a day that was less overwhelming.  
  
"Anybody I know?"   
  
"Uh, yeah. But, I'll tell you about it later. How are you feeling?" she asked, quickly switching gears to avoid the "to whom" and "why" discussion of the phone call. Besides, what Harm needs is my full attention, right now. What he doesn't need to hear about is the Life and Times of Mic Brumby.  
  
Harm smiled, and said, "Best I felt all day." Hearing her voice warmed him. And it soothed him even more to know she was concerned about him, cementing the notion that she had truly cared about his well being.   
  
"I'm happy to hear that, Harm. You seemed preoccupied when we left Maddie's office. I was worried about you."  
  
"I won't lie to you, Mac. I did think about Dad and Russia . . . but in a good way," Harm said with a hint of sadness which Mac noticed immediately.  
  
"Something bothering you?" She could tell by the tone of his voice that he hadn't just thought about things, he had dwelled on them for a while. It was all in the tone of his voice. There was no disguising it.   
  
"Well . . . not really . . . when I went on my run, I ended up at the Wall," Harm replied. He fiddled with the tie on his robe, wrapping and unwrapping it around his fingers. This "opening-up" stuff was hard for him.   
  
"Oh," she said quietly, hoping that he would be truthful with her about what he's feeling, rather than shut the door on his emotions as he had in the past.  
  
"Yeah. I didn't plan on going there . . . it just happened." Harm wasn't sure how to address it all without sounding like he had been brooding over it. Okay, well he had-to some extent. But it was his way of dealing with things.  
  
"You okay?" Mac asked in a whisper, apprehensive about how he was coming to terms with the emotions Maddie's session had dredged up. The Wall had always been a source of comfort for him; she didn't doubt he'd end up there. It just had happened sooner than she thought it would.  
  
Harm sighed, "I am now. I called Mom when I was there. We talked about Dad . . . and Frank. I was finally able to tell her how her remarrying made me feel."   
  
"You needed to do that a long time ago," Mac said gently, with sincerity evident in her voice. He was being honest with her. Instead of finding out things from him months later, he was opening up to her. This, in and of itself, was new to him and to her. She wasn't going to stop him now.  
  
He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing, "I think I finally understand why she needed to go on with her life. Sad thing is, most of my life I didn't understand it. I let my obsession control me." There was a time when he would have kept such things from Mac. Things were different now. Allowing her to see that he was human wasn't the flaw he had thought it was at one time.   
  
Mac's eyes were brimming with tears. Hearing Harm speak openly like this overwhelmed her. Covering the mouthpiece on the phone, she choked back a sob, not wanting to interrupt him with her tears. She remembered a time when she had challenged him to let go.  
  
**When you look at me that way... what do you see?   
  
I see.... a desirable woman.   
  
And I see a man who's so afraid of losing control.  
  
Hey, you lose control in my world and you die.   
  
You're not flying a Tomcat now. You don't need that lifeline, let it go before it becomes a noose.**   
  
And he did, he let it go. Mac closed her eyes and wished she could reach through the phone and hold him . . . let him know how much she cares . . . how much she loves him. His voice, fraught with emotion, pulled her back from her memories.  
  
"I've neglected some things too long, Mac-I regret letting my life go by," Harm said reflectively. In the back of his mind, he knew he wasn't just talking about his father anymore; he was talking about her as well. There is so much we had missed out on, so much lost time, he thought with a sigh.  
  
Finally getting her emotions under control, Mac spoke, her voice strong and unwavering, "We crucify ourselves between two thieves-regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow," The quotation was something she had read somewhere a while back. She thought it had fit her life so well, she had made a point to remember it. Now, it seemed to fit both of them.  
  
"When did you become so philosophic?" Harm queried with a chuckle. He had always found her intellect to be quite attractive-she was the whole package-beauty and brains too.  
  
"I've always been, you just hadn't noticed," she said, a teasing tone in her voice. It was just the right amount of lightheartedness the conversation needed right now. A year ago, this conversation would have been over after "hello". Maddie would be proud of us, Mac thought with a smile.  
  
I notice everything you do, Harm thought before saying teasingly, "Must be all those books . . ."  
  
"Yeah, and if I remember correctly, you still owe me," Mac interrupted him, feigning a stern tone, before falling into gentle laughter.   
  
"Owe you . . ." Harm thought quizzically until it dawned on him, "Oh! The books I tore in half-yeah I remember now. Tomorrow we'll hit Barnes and Noble on the way home from Maddie's."   
  
With all that had gone on in the past 6 months, he had forgotten about helping her "pack" the two books she'd been reading on the Seahawk. Certainly not one of my brightest ideas, he mused.  
  
"We?" Mac asked, just a little bit of hope creeping into her voice.  
  
"Uh, yeah, I thought I could pick you up for our session-if you don't mind," he hoped he wasn't rushing things too much. He had a knack for scaring her off. He wasn't about to do that now.  
  
"I don't mind-that would be fine," Mac paused, considering his suggestion, and then adding, "But I think breakfast is out."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"That means you'd have to be here by 0630 . . ." She had hoped he got what she was implying.  
  
"Yeah, you're right. How about after-on the way to Barnes and Noble?"  
  
"It's a date," Mac said, the words out of her mouth quicker than she could catch them.  
  
"Then it's a date," Harm mimicked her words, his voice warm and inviting, backed with a smile Mac could hear through the phone.   
  
She felt the blush creep into her cheeks again. Date-it was the one word that never found its way into their vocabulary. Even though they had gone out before, it was never labeled as such. Those "dates" had always been meals centered on working or preparing for a case, but never a **date**. Now the tone of his voice as he said the word gave her butterflies in her stomach. He was certainly emphasizing it as it was meant to be, even if it is to go see our shrink . . . and breakfast . . . and shopping. Harmon Rabb Jr., what you do to me, she thought, shaking her head.   
  
"Hey . . . you still there?" Harm jarred Mac back from the daydream she had gotten lost in. She didn't realize she had let silence fall between them, even if it was comfortable.  
  
"Yeah, I'm still here . . . any plans for the rest of the night?"  
  
"Well, considering the cupboards are bare, I think take-out is the meal of choice."  
  
"Any place special in mind?" Mac asked. Not that she cared one way or another what he was eating, she just enjoyed hearing his voice so much she wanted to keep him on the phone.  
  
"Remember that little Italian place that delivers?"   
  
"Quite well," Mac said, recalling her meal from the other night-the same night as Harm's breaking and entering routine. It was all rather cute even if he was being a jackass, she smiled.  
  
"I'll probably get something from there. Besides, they have this cute delivery girl . . ." Harm teased.  
  
Mac laughed, knowing he was just joking with her, but played along just for the hell of it, "She's probably blonde, right?"  
  
"Nah, I'm over blondes. I'm rather fond of brunettes . . . in case you're interested," he said, half teasing, half serious.  
  
"You'll never change, will you, Harm?" Mac said with amusement, not quite catching the "brunette" comment.  
  
The change is only the beginning, he thought, continuing to twist the robe with his fingers. Instead, he said, "You're funny," a tender laugh coloring his tone.  
  
"I better let you go so you can order your take out."  
  
"So, I'll pick you up about 0730?" Harm asked, hoping she'd agree.  
  
"Sounds like a plan."  
  
A brief silence fell between them, neither wanting to end the conversation. Despite the day's stressors, both were smiling. For the first time in years, they knew the direction their lives were headed in, each choosing the road less traveled.  
  
Harm was the first to break the silence, "Hey Mac?" he called to her tenderly.  
  
"Yeah?" she replied, her voice soft.  
  
"About today . . . thanks."  
  
"You know I'm here for you . . ." she began.   
  
"Always," he finished.  
  
With that, they said their goodbyes, each anticipating the day yet to come.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Author's Note:   
  
Due to a family crisis, I need to put this story on hold. This will be the last chapter for some time.   
  
I had wanted to finish it by Christmas, but it wasn't to be. Instead, I left it at a place that I thought felt good for the characters. There is more to my story, but not enough to be "print ready".   
  
I don't expect everyone to understand, but I hope you will. Who knows, maybe one day you'll wake up and find this story completed and posted. Until then, there are many fabulous stories written by wonderful authors just waiting to be read!   
  
My heartfelt thanks to all of you for all of your kind words regarding my story. I appreciate every syllable you have written over the course of this fanfic. Writing this story has been an amazing journey for me. It was not only an outlet for my JAG obsession, but also an outlet for my creativity.   
  
Last, but certainly not least, I would like to thank CatMom and Pretz for their contributions to my story, but more importantly for their friendship and guidance.   
  
Thank you  
  
CharS 


	28. Part 19a: Walls, Bridges and Other Obsta...

Walls, Bridges and Other Obstacles 

0720 hours local (Friday)  
Mac's Apartment

Standing in front of the mirror, Mac fiddled with her hair again. She expected Harm shortly, yet she hoped he was on "Rabb time" to give her a few extra minutes to get ready. Sure, she had been up since 0500-properly caffeinated and showered-yet she was in front of the mirror still attending to her appearance. The little four letter word that had snuck into the conversation last night-_date_-put her stomach in knots and made her palms sweaty.

Okay, we're just going to see our therapist, no big deal, she thought. We've only been doing this for what seems like forever. Mac pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and then blotted the lipstick off her lips. The color was appallingly pink for her skin tone, and in her opinion, screamed "80's". Opening her medicine cabinet, she grabbed the tube and tossed it in the trash, and reached for the lip moisturizer instead.

Checking her appearance one last time (she hoped), Mac padded out of the bathroom to the closet in search of her boots. Retrieving them, she tugged them on under the hem of her jeans and stood up. Smoothing out her sweater, she snickered a little at the fuss she was making about it all. She wasn't sure if it was crazy or normal-not that anything about her and Harm was normal. I think we must be Maddie's poster children for dysfunctional relationships, she thought with a laugh.

Mac strode out into the living room, pulled her coat from the closet and tossed it over the back of the couch. She double checked her purse for her keys, and then set it down as well. Feeling a need to pace, Mac repressed the urge by curling up on the chair instead. She fidgeted a little, and then calmed her hands by placing them in her lap.

The past month and a half-from the time she served as judge until now-had certainly been a whirlwind for her. If Harriet had asked her on the night of her and Bud's housewarming where she thought she saw herself in six weeks, she would have never guessed _this_. But, in spite of it all, she felt it was finally worth the effort. "The thorns are part of the roses," she said, as she got lost in the garden of her memories. Their phone conversation from last night lingered in her thoughts and wrapped her in a warmth only he could give her.

Harm wasted no time in getting to Mac's apartment. From the moment his feet hit the floor, his impatience to get to her gnawed at him. Even though today would bring yet another session with Maddie, he was certain that things were finally falling into place. He felt the connection his soul made with hers yesterday-a connection warm and familiar, yet new and exhilarating. Only she could make him feel this way.

Parking in front of Mac's apartment, Harm quickly exited his SUV and sprinted across the sidewalk into the building, taking two steps at a time with his long legs. He had no intention of being late this morning. There was so much to look forward to after the session with Maddie-breakfast and Barnes and Noble. Even with his anticipation, he felt an underlying nervousness just fighting to get out.

Taking a deep breath, he quickly knocked on Mac's door and then took a step back to compose himself. He couldn't wait to see her. Almost immediately, his wish was granted. She opened the door with a smile, looking refreshed from head to toe-from her hair gently tucked behind her ears down to the tips of her boots peeking out from under her slim jeans.

"Hey . . . right on time," she said sweetly, holding the door and motioning for Harm to enter with her hand.

The vision standing in the doorway had caught Harm off guard. He stood there, momentarily lost-no-captivated by her. He was rarely speechless, yet he couldn't form a coherent thought if it had smacked him square on the forehead. Mac was radiant-her face glowed and her bright eyes seemed to dance.

"Uh, Harm? You can come in. I won't bite," she said to him with a slight chuckle.

Harm's eyes became wide as he realized he had been standing there, dazed. He cleared his throat and looked away shyly, asking, "Are you ready?"

"I just have to put my coat on," she said over her shoulder, walking toward the couch to retrieve it, and leaving him standing just outside the door.

As Mac swung the coat around her shoulders, Harm was suddenly behind her, holding it so she could slip her arms in. His movement surprised her, bringing a blush to her cheeks with the nearness of his body to hers. Her scent enveloped and intoxicated him, making him struggle to stay afloat in the ocean of her mere existence. Quietly, she whispered, "Thanks," and then lingered for a moment to savor his touch, before turning to leave and breaking the spell that had captured them.

0750 hours local  
Old Town Alexandria

Maddie parked her car, fed the meter, and plodded across the street into the building that housed her office, with Zoloft in tow. She silently berated herself for making this early morning appointment with Harm and Mac especially after the way her afternoon had gone yesterday. What she had thought would have been an easy discussion about Harm and his relationships turned into the Adventures of Butch and Sundance, or Batman and Robin-name any daring duo and that was the two of them in a nutshell. The couple had given her a run for her money with Harm's story about going after his MIA father. Russian spies . . . Gypsies . . . ejecting out of a Mig29. "I need a vacation-soon," she muttered through a yawn as she ascended the stairs to the second floor.

After Harm and Mac had left yesterday, her day didn't get much better. Her next appointment had been with Mrs. Beatrice Ashton-Langley. Mrs. Bea, as she preferred to be called, had just begun the counseling process. She and her third husband were having difficulties adjusting to married life. You'd think she'd have gotten it right by this time, Maddie mused with a shake of her head. And, to beat all, she had decided to show up with Mister Butler, as in Rhett Butler of the same name, her Yorkshire terrier.

The session lasted all of 8 minutes-3 minutes for Mister Butler to decide that chasing Zoloft was a great way to pass the time. The other five minutes to extract the shuddering pooch from the corner Zolly had backed him into post-tussle-his back arched and claws bared.

"That dang woman . . . what the hell was she thinking bringing that . . . that . . . poor excuse for a fur ball into my office," Maddie said to herself, recalling the whole debacle.

Needless to say, neither client nor counselor was amused. Considering that Zoloft outweighed the dog nearly three to one, she should be lucky Mister Butler only got his nose smacked a few dozen times. In the end, Maddie had suggested that if Mrs. Bea were to continue counseling her, she must leave her dog at home otherwise deal with the consequences.

"We'll see how that turns out, eh, Zolly?" she said to the cat cradled in her arms, nuzzling him with her head.

Maddie had reached her office and unlocked the door with her free hand. Once inside, she set Zoloft down and immediately opened the blinds in the waiting room. As she strode into her private office, she noticed something sparkly on the carpet, meshed with fur. Upon closer inspection, Maddie realized it was a stone from Mister Butler's collar tangled with some cat and dog hair. She shook her head, muttering, "Unbelievable," then placed the rhinestone on her desk with the promise to get it back to its owner.

Checking her watch, Maddie realized she had only a few minutes until Harm and Mac would arrive. Not having heard anything to the contrary, she assumed all was well and they were keeping their appointment as scheduled. She opened her file drawer and extracted their chart, tossing it on the desk rather than reviewing it. She had lived and breathed those two so much lately she could probably recite her notes in their file by heart. Maddie had only hoped that the session had left Harm in a decent frame of mind. But it didn't concern her too much, as Mac had been quite protective of him during the session. You're a lucky man, Commander. The sooner you realize this, the better-for all of us.

Putting on a pot of coffee, Maddie put her thoughts into perspective. She had no real agenda for this session. She had figured on letting the chips fall where they may and dealing with the aftermath later. Eager for her caffeine fix, she stood there, cup in hand, waiting for the coffee maker to do its thing. Meanwhile, Zoloft trotted off to join the sun's rays that were already warming his favorite spot on the carpet.

0753 hours local  
Old Town Alexandria

The couple had ridden, for the most part, in silence to Maddie's office, content to just enjoy the physical presence of the other. Engaging in small-talk hadn't been their style. And, with the absence of the courtroom from their life right now, all that was left was the counseling and, of course them. Still, neither knew what to say nor wanted to be the first to speak. Rather than break the peacefulness of the moment with trivial banter, Harm nudged the volume up on the radio ever so slightly, giving the music from one of the local stations center stage.

Ever since last night, Mac had wanted to tell Harm about her phone call to Mic-she needed to. Part of their problem wasn't so much honesty, as it was about openness and letting go. Calling Mic was all about letting go and closure-for her. Harm deserved to know, especially if they were ever going to get past their insecurities and move forward with their lives.

But knowing where to even begin the whole account had confounded her. Sitting arms length from him, it was consuming her thoughts. There are two ways that Harm would view it all- either he would understand her need for closure with Mic, _or_ he would read into it and see what his over-active imagination wants him to see. Deciding that it was better left alone . . . for the moment . . . Mac sat quietly, attempting to push it from her thoughts.

Before long, they were pulling into one of the parking spaces along King Street, having arrived before most of the nine-to-fiver's that work in the local offices. As Mac slid out of the vehicle, Harm made his way to the curb to put change in the meter. He waited until she shut the door and made her way to him so they could cross the street together.

As they reached the lobby, Harm held the door open, allowing Mac to enter first. She paused briefly; the earlier dilemma of the "Mic phone call" that had been eating at her was now burning in her gut. She wondered if she should just bite the bullet and tell Harm about it now, rather than have him find out about it later. Impulsively, she decided to go for it.

"Harm . . . wait a second," she uttered breathlessly. God, give me the strength to do this.

He looked at her quizzically, "What's up? You okay?"

"Um, yeah. We need to talk . . . before we go in," she began hesitantly.

Concerned, Harm asked, "Something wrong?" The warm glow that had been in her face earlier was now gone. She was pale and almost looked ill, in his opinion.

Mac took a deep breath. She knew it was in their best interest to tell him, but getting past her nerves would prove a monumental task. Her heart was pounding out of her chest and that knot in her stomach was now residing in her throat.

"Remember I told you I had made a phone call yesterday," she said, her voice hardly audible.

"Uh, yeah. What about it?" he asked, puzzled by her sudden edginess. Although he couldn't pinpoint why, he was suddenly getting a bad feeling about whatever it was she needed to tell him.

"I . . . I called Mic." There-I said it. She took another deep breath and blew it out with a huff, trying to keep her pulse rate in the double digits. It wasn't working.

"Bugme."

It was more of a statement than a question. Harm stood there, unsure whether he should be shocked, angry or indifferent. Instead, he silently cursed the day he stepped out of JAG and back on that carrier four years ago. Had he not left, Mic Brumby might never have been a factor. It's my own damn fault, he thought, trying to control the queasiness he suddenly felt.

Mac searched his blue eyes for some indication of his feelings, only to find them looking beyond her-almost like there was an apparition from the past emerging just behind her that he was straining his eyes to see. She wanted to reach out to touch him but was afraid he would vanish into the fog that had suddenly cloaked him.

"Harm . . ." she quietly called to him.

In his minds eye, he was back in Sydney airport-standing there . . . watching Brumby . . . with Mac . . . and the ring.

_Are congratulations in order, Colonel?_ The Admiral's voice echoed in his head.

_It's on the right hand, sir._

_So I see._

_Friendship ring?_ His own voice . . . hoping beyond everything that it was only a ring, but not THE ring.

_I hope not, mate._ Brumby's triumphant tone nauseated him.

_Let's go, people._ Reluctantly, he walked to the plane with the Admiral, wishing it were all a dream. Hoping if he looked back it would all be gone.

_Never look back, Commander._ The chastising tone from the Admiral sounded more like fatherly advice than an order. And as he stepped on the walkway to the plane, he couldn't help it anymore-he needed to look back-he wanted to see her tell Brumby he was wrong. But she didn't-all was gone as he watched her kiss him. His world as he knew it no longer existed.

Abruptly, as if someone had kicked him, Harm snapped out of his stupor. Looking at her standing there, he felt like he was once again in the middle of a nightmare. The words resounding in his head were caught in the back of his throat and unable to make it to his mouth. Why do this Mac? Why Bugme? Why now? I thought we were getting somewhere. Harm ran a hand through his hair and then shoved it into his pocket with a sigh, looking anywhere but at Mac.

Changing the subject without another word about Bugme, and Mac's phone call to him, was probably for the best-for him-right now. But he was unable to rid his mind of the visions of a nightmare named Mic Brumby. With no other recourse at the moment, he began walking toward the stairwell door.

"We better get going-we're going to be late," he said softly, his spirit crushed.

"I need . . . WE need to talk about this Harm," Mac said decisively, wanting to get it over with-now. She knew she needed to make him understand her reasoning behind calling Mic. It has nothing, yet _everything_ to do with you, she thought. In the split second she opened her mouth to say what she was thinking, Harm interrupted.

"We'll talk later," he said calmly yet effectively, trying to keep his emotions from boiling over. Holding the door open to the stairwell, Harm motioned for Mac. "Come on, we're going to be late."

Mac heaved a sigh and shook her head. "Fine," she muttered as she passed him to ascend the steps, relenting, at least for the moment. As her every footfall echoed in the stairwell, she struggled with her composure and prayed she would find it before she reached the second floor.

Harm's mind was still swimming with scenarios of Bugme coming back into Mac's life and sweeping her off her feet as he followed behind her. Just another missed opportunity, he thought. A little voice inside his head was trying to tell him there was nothing to worry about, but he swatted it out of his mind like he was shooing away a fly that was buzzing noisily around his ear.

Moments later, they were in Maddie's outer office. Mac immediately sat down on the love seat, while Harm paced the carpet, hands in his pockets and eyes cast to the floor. Just as she was about to broach the subject again with him, Maddie appeared.

"Good morning," she greeted them warmly. Harm nodded his head, while Mac softly responded, "Hi". It didn't take but a second for Maddie to feel the icy chill that had been cast over the room. Frankly, it stunned her. After yesterday, she was certain that they were finally connecting. And now it seemed like a vast ocean had separated them-emotionally and physically. Now what in the hell happened? Her gaze darted from one to the other in search of some clues to what had transpired; she found none. I guess we're at square one again, she thought with a sigh.

Keeping her voice soft and even toned, and repressing the urge to kick the crap out of the both of them, Maddie said, "Let's get started, shall we?" Frustrated, she turned on her heel toward her office muttering to herself, "Damn stubborn people."

Neither vocalized any objection to Maddie's suggestion. Mac stood to follow her, but paused briefly as Harm waited for her to move around the table. She stared at him, hoping to catch his eye and get a handle on what he was feeling.

"Harm . . ." she quietly called to him, wanting his undivided attention and a chance to bare her soul.

"Later Mac, okay?" he replied sharply, unwilling to meet her gaze. In his mind, there was Bugme, again the wall between them and it made him ache. Dwelling on it right now was making his head pound.

Those three words defeated Mac. She berated herself for daring to be honest with him about calling Mic. Clearly, it was _all_ a mistake-calling Mic _and_ telling Harm, she thought, wavering between anger and heartache. I thought he'd get past this sort of behavior. Mustering all her strength, yet struggling to keep the tears at bay, she held her head up and walked ahead of him. Refusing to crumble in his presence, she put up the fortress around her heart that had been her shield most of her life.


	29. Part 19b: Walls, Bridges and Other Obsta...

Maddie watched from her seat as the two entered the room, each proceeding to their corner of the couch. She could practically see the icicles forming on her crown moldings. One step forward, twenty steps back. How obstinate can two people be? Until I can come up with a better plan, I guess we'll go back to where we left off yesterday, she mused, taking a long drink of her coffee that had begun to chill. Its taste caused her to shrivel her nose and twist up her mouth. Bitterness had a way of doing that. 

Zoloft immediately noticed the presence of the two in the room and in a matter of seconds was in Mac's lap nuzzling her. Mac wondered if the feline had intuitively known she was upset and came to comfort her. No matter what the reasoning, she was grateful for the distraction from her present emotional state.

As the cat was settling himself on Mac's lap, Harm reached out his hand to pet Zolly, only to be met with a glare and hiss. "Taking sides, eh, Zolly?" Harm muttered to himself in retreat. Mac didn't venture a response nor glance in Harm's direction; she knew that Zoloft had spoken for both of them.

Maddie was too frustrated with them to reprimand Zolly for his actions. And actually, she was somewhat amused with the whole scene, even though she didn't show it. Rather, she waited quietly until they all were settled before beginning.

"Harm. Yesterday we ended the session with discussion of your relationship with your mother and your step-brother. Any thoughts you'd like to add?"

"No, I think we covered it all yesterday," Harm replied indifferently, without looking up in Maddie's direction. Rather, he focused his attentions on his class ring, alternately spinning it around on his finger and then sliding it off and on. He was having a hard time focusing on anything but Mac and Brumby right now.

"Okay, then," Maddie said with a huff. "Son . . . of . . . a . . . bitch," she muttered to herself through gritted teeth, "This was supposed to be an easy day." All right, the gloves are off! I am done playing fair-even if it does border on unprofessional behavior. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly, collecting herself. If anything, she wanted to be completely, one-hundred percent in control of the session, for what it was worth.

"Let's see . . . going on with the discussion of your relationships with women . . . we discussed Diane and Annie . . . who would be next, Harm?"

Harm welcomed the distraction of discussing his past relationships. Actually, he would have welcomed discussing Evolution if it meant getting his mind off Brumby and Mac.

He shrugged his shoulders, "I guess it would be Bobbie."

Mac sat there in her corner of the couch, suddenly not wanting to be here. It was almost funny to her that Harm had no qualms about discussing his "women" in front of her, yet when she needed to talk about Mic to him, he shut down in a heartbeat. I guess too many blows to the head will do that to a man, she thought as she scratched Zolly's ears. The earlier hurt she had felt was now manifesting itself into sarcasm and bitterness.

Her emotions were so jumbled up right now. It was as if someone had shaken a bottle of soda-opening the cap would cause it to spew all over the room. And the last thing she wanted right now was to not have control of her emotions. But, the only thing she needed was to get through this session with her heart intact. Never in her life did she think she could feel so many different feelings at one time-hurt . . . anger . . . frustration . . . confusion . . . sadness . . . and yes, love. Despite it all, she was in love with him, she would always be in love with him-it was her only flaw.

Working off Harm's statement, Maddie continued, "Let's talk about Bobbie. I think she was mentioned briefly in one of our other sessions, right?"

"Um, yeah," Harm said. "She and I got involved when we worked together . . . uh, she's a Congresswoman."

"Uh huh," Maddie mumbled, making a note on her legal pad. "And how long did that relationship last?"

"Well, uh, it wasn't exactly a _relationship_," Harm stammered, trying to broach the topic carefully. Bobbie happened not long after he had returned home from Russia and searching for his father. He was still in an awkward place, as far as he was concerned. He needed someone, but not the relationship that went with it. Mac had been there for him, but the last thing he wanted to do was drag her down with him, God forbid it didn't work.

"What was it then?" her professional tone had taken on a coolness in her annoyance with him.

"Uh, well, it was more like a . . ." he hesitated, searching for the right word, "one time deal."

Maybe saying one night stand or roll in the hay would have been more appropriate, Mac thought, keeping her opinions under a tight lid. Well, she may have been silent, however, her facial expressions gave her dead away.

"If you have something to say, Mac, say it," Harm stated coolly, having caught her non-verbal demonstration from the corner of his eye.

"No, I'm fine," she replied with a stiff smile, continuing to play with the cat on her lap. Mac could feel those "fizzies" just itching to get out. However, now was not the time.

Maddie had a different kind of feeling; it was a little more like deja vu. If she didn't know better, she would have thought someone had rewound the tape back to day one of their counseling when acrimony laced the air around them. Whatever occurred between the two had to have happened recently, otherwise they would not have shown up here today, she mused. And it had to be about someone or something from their past-since that had been a point of friction for them. Knowing what I do, it could be anything at this venture, she thought. With a sigh, she again decided to leave well enough alone and press forward. Getting this session over with was now her priority.

"So, Bobbie was a one night stand," Maddie asked, but making it sound more like a statement of fact. Judging from the expression on Mac's face, she figured out that she was thinking the same thing.

Harm shifted his weight on the sofa, feeling a little awkward with the present tone of this discussion. Doing his best to keep it factual, he cleared his throat and continued, "When you put it that way, it sounds cheap. It wasn't like that at all. We enjoyed each other's company professionally and personally. And yes, it did lead to, uh, one night of intimacy. In the end, she wanted more in the way of a relationship, and I wasn't ready for that."

"Do you often have one night stands?" It was a question Maddie felt needed to be asked for the sake of how Harm viewed his relationships with the women in his life.

Mac sighed softly, growing tired of this session by the minute and almost tired of trying to come to terms with whatever it was she had or didn't have with Harm. Frankly, she also really didn't feel like sitting here while Harm went into the "who's who" details of his past love life, or whatever you want to call it.

It really was none of her business, in her estimation; even though he had long ago imparted some of the information to her, of course, leaving out the . . . minute details, for lack of a better word. Over the years, the "information" had come in dribs and drabs, allowing her to slowly put the puzzle of who Harmon Rabb Jr. was together. She had long ago settled on that Harm was not a womanizer, but just a typical fighter-jock-a man out to conquer the world and dazzle the women with his charm in the process. Yeah, it obviously works. I'm here, aren't I, she thought. To keep her wits about herself, she continued to keep Zoloft happy with her fingers behind his ears.

Harm chuckled at the question, "When I was younger, yeah. Hell, most of the guys were pretty free and loose. But it's not something I, uh, make a habit of anymore." Although he had told Mac about some of his relationships, putting it out there in _this_ context was making him feel self-conscious. And he was quite certain that it was making her uncomfortable as well, even though she didn't outwardly show it. Instead of naming names, he sat silently, letting the discussion end at that point.

Satisfied with his answer, Maddie jotted down a few notes. Deciding to not press for any further details from Harm, she continued, "What happened afterward-after Bobbie?"

"We remained friends. It was what it was," he said evenly. He flat out wanted to avoid rehashing _that_ night. Once was enough, he thought. I essentially blew Mac off to get lucky. Some way to treat my best friend. In the session the other day, he had told her that there were times he felt he had disappointed her-this, in his estimation, had been one of those times. The memory of disappointing her had left him with an empty feeling, despite his present anguish over Brumby.

"Did you date anyone after Bobbie?" Maddie's voice pulled Harm back from his thoughts.

Harm barely had time to purge himself of one memory before he was thrust into another. "Uh, yeah . . . Jordan."

"And who was she?" Maddie wrote the name down and continued without looking up.

"She was a psychiatrist in the Navy. We met while I was defending her for a DUI . . . uh . . . it was cough syrup, not what you think," he quickly clarified.

"Oh . . . interesting," Maddie mumbled, again making notes without looking up. Guess she couldn't figure you out either, eh, Commander? She quickly shook her head to rid herself of the unnecessary commentary before she'd regret it.

"How long were you two together?" Maddie asked, looking up and watching Harm continuing to play distractedly with his class ring.

Thinking about it for a moment, he shrugged and said, "A few months. Maybe five-six, tops."

"How did the relationship end?"

"Uh, well, after I had found out about what happened to my father, I found myself thinking about returning to carrier life . . . flying . . . more and more. Then, Mac and I had been on the Coral Sea on assignment. Being there had made me realize that I just couldn't deny it-flying-anymore. I needed to go back. But, to do that, I needed to have my vision corrected. I didn't tell anyone . . . I didn't tell Jordan . . . until after I had done it. By then, I had my request for transfer ready to go. She found it before I had had a chance to tell her."

His recollection of that time in his life was quite vivid. Jordan was upset, to put it mildly, because he had wanted to change his designator. He knew she wanted more from the relationship than he was willing to give. As far as he was concerned, his life still had no direction, with the exception of flying. He hoped by going back he might be able to reclaim who he was. Up until JAG, it was all he had ever known.

Yet, his desire to make his life right by going back to flying affected not only his relationship with Jordan-it had affected Mac as well. After his fight with Jordan about going back to flying, He went to her looking for support from his best friend. He never anticipated her reaction, wavering between anger and frustration. Still there was something else she felt that he couldn't place his finger one. Looking back, it wasn't just sadness . . . was it heartbreak too?

_. . . it would mean that flying is more important to you than JAG, it's more important to you than Jordan, it's more important to you . . . than . . . everything._

And then in his office on his last day at JAG, he had walked in to find Mac sitting in his chair. He had been struggling with the excitement of going back flying and the overwhelming sadness of leaving JAG . . . leaving his friends . . . leaving Mac. Her brave-Marine facade was threatening to crumble with the sight of him.

_Did you think you'd sneak away without saying goodbye?_

_Well, why goodbye and not good luck?_

_Didn't I say that to you once when I was stupid enough to leave JAG?_

_Yes you did._

_You said you were happy for me._

_I was but that was different. You were in love._

_And you're not?_

_What's love have to do with anything? Hey . . ._

Harm could still feel her tears on his fingertips. The salt from her tears had permeated his skin, burning them forever on his heart.

_Dammit. I have so much I want to say to you but I can't . . . can't find the words._

In an instant, he had her wrapped up in his arms, consoling her. His own tears choked him, fighting so hard to keep them inside that his chest hurt and he couldn't breathe. He was as afraid to let her go as she was of him. So afraid she would slip through his fingers, like grains of sand, and disappear forever.

Looking back now, he wondered what it was she had wanted to say to him that day. It was a lifetime ago. Just another moment where we-I-couldn't say what I needed to, Harm thought, stealing a glance in Mac's direction. Regret began to replace the hurt he had felt earlier. He wished he had taken the time to listen to her rather than let his selfishness take over.

Mac remembered Harm's relationship with Jordan from a different perspective.

_I envy you; you've got this hot new romance._

_Yeah, sometimes I think it will last forever and sometimes I think it will last until . . ._

_Until what?_

_Until you decide you want him._

_Jordan there isn't . . . First of all I've had enough of men for a while. For the foreseeable future I'm a nun. Second, it's not like that between me and Harm. We're like, I'm not going to say brother and sister._

_Thank you._

_I'm not a threat to you Jordan, believe me._

But was I a threat, Mac thought. And, who was I trying to convince-Jordan or myself? Did she see something I didn't back then? Sure, I had feelings for Harm, but was I that obvious?

Maddie's next question to Harm disrupted Mac's train of thought. "How did Jordan feel about your decision to go back to flying?"

"At first, she was angry that I shut her out . . . I didn't involve her in my decision. But I think it was more disappointment than anything."

"So, she was hoping for more of a long-term commitment from you."

"Jordan thought we had a shot at a real relationship. But once she learned of my transfer request, she felt we'd never have a normal life . . .I would have been away for months at a time." Harm paused, remembering. "When things on the carrier didn't work out and I had returned, I had wanted to make things right with her. But, it was already over. She came to see me and stayed long enough to tell me that there was no hope for us and that she was leaving for Spain."

Things had also changed with Mac too. Brumby was pulling out all the stops to gain Mac's attentions. From what Harm had seen, Mac wasn't exactly discouraging him either. And when he tried to call her on it, she had gotten angry.

_Well, Brumby certainly dances to your beat!_

_By that you mean?_

_He's still on your scent!_

_We're just friends._

_No man is interested in being friends with a woman who looks like you!_

Maddie had been watching both of them after Harm's last statement. Once again, they had that familiar, distant look on their faces. She wondered where their thoughts were taking them again. There were so many layers to their relationship; she doubted that she would ever be able to understand all of it. I doubt that they understand any of it.

Deciding to close the book on Jordan, she asked, "Since your relationship with her ended, have you stayed friends?"

Harm sighed sadly, "We, uh, lost touch for a while . . . until about a year and a half ago . . . right before she died."

"Died?" Maddie said, aghast.

"Yeah . . . she was murdered." He paused as the memory of her death seized him. "Initially, they thought it was . . . um . . . suicide."

"Suicide?"

With a deep breath, Harm continued, "Right before she died, she called me . . . left a message on my machine . . . but I never returned it. They thought she killed herself because of me."

Maddie was speechless. Not one, but two of Harm's girlfriends had died. She wanted to ask how it affected his future relationships, but before she could, Harm was speaking again.

"After they determined she was murdered, I received a letter from her. She said that she would always remember the time we spent together and that she eventually realized friendship is all we would ever have."

Mac remembered how traumatic Jordan's death was for Harm, especially when the police had believed it was suicide. She had worried often how it had affected him, yet because of Renee', didn't interfere. However, the night of her engagement party had given her the opportunity to make sure he was doing all right.

_Are you okay about Jordan?_

_Sure._

_Harm, you should really talk to someone about it._

_I do. I talk to Renee._

_Oh . . ._

She tried hard not to let her disappointment show, but her one-syllable response conveyed it for her. Harm didn't turn to her for support and it had crushed her. It wasn't my place . . . it belonged to Renee'. She was his girlfriend, I wasn't. Even after all this time, it still hurt to some degree. With a sigh, Mac buried the memory of it.

All this had left Maddie's head spinning. In her years of counseling, she had often helped clients deal with the death of a companion, but never two. Even though it seemed Harm had moved on, she still wondered where Jordan's death left him.

"Was that letter the closure you needed?"

Harm sat thoughtfully for a moment, considering Maddie's query, and then replied, "After a while, I think it was." He paused before continuing, "I'm grateful for the time I had with Jordan. I don't have any regrets-I guess we both knew it would never work other than friendship."

As the words formed on his lips, they infused his thoughts with Mac. If it all ended today and there was no Mac and there had never been anything more than friendship between us, where would my regrets lie? In the regret of not being there when she needed me, or the regret of not letting go of the past, or sadder still, the regret of not telling her how much I need her and love her? And in that moment, all else seemed inconsequential-including his earlier anguish over some stupid phone call Mac had made to Brumby.

Mac stole a glance at Harm and in that instant tried to gauge his emotions . . . unsure of where the discussion about Jordan left him. His expression was familiar to her. He looked distant and preoccupied, yet almost defeated . . . almost like . . . he had lost his best friend. The last time she had seen him look like this was the night of her engagement party. Where _are_ you, Harm? Better still, where are _we_ and where do we go from _here_?

Satisfied with Harm's response, Maddie made a few, rushed notes on Jordan, her eyes cast down on the papers before her. In her eagerness to close the book on this relationship, she missed the chapter on how it affected Harm and Mac-right here, right now. Instead, the counselor sighed and checked the time. She decided to move on with the session, for her own, albeit selfish, reasons. Maddie flipped through their file, and found a name circled on one of the pages-"Renee'"-someone she was quite certain Harm hadn't discussed yet.

She had a vague recollection from a past session about Renee'. And, if she remembered correctly, it had something to do with Mac going to Harm's apartment and Renee's father or someone dying. Maddie could have kicked herself for not writing it all down. But, there was something about that conversation . . . almost like there was something left unfinished or unsaid . . . that she was certain of. She could feel it. And, in her estimation, it warranted further exploration. For a second, she wondered if she should shelve it to another day. How long could discussing Renee' take? If Harm's relationship with her followed suit, this should be quick, right? "Let's get this over with," Maddie muttered to herself.

She spared the "who was next" warning and jumped right in the fire. "Harm, I'd like you to tell me about Renee'. Where did she fall into the picture?"

Harm and Mac were both still lost in the Jordan era when Maddie whip-lashed them back to the present with her sharp, left-turn down "Renee' Peterson memory lane." Where in the hell did that come from, they thought in unison, exchanging stunned looks.

Part of the baggage complicating their lives had been tagged with Renee's name-in big, black Sharpie-Marker letters. There wasn't any way of avoiding her now, short of rewriting the past-or running out of the room. Based on the evolution of past sessions, it was all bound to come out sooner or later. Of course, Harm had hoped the later the better, since "never" wasn't one of his options.


	30. Part 20a: The Video Princess Diaries

The Video Princess Diaries

"Uh, what about her?" Harm asked, clearing his throat nervously and repositioning his legs. At the same time, Mac exhaled loudly, making it sound like a cross between a desperate sigh and an irritated huff.

Maddie watched their startled reactions. Well, well, well . . . jackpot, she thought with a raised eyebrow, chewing on the end of her pencil. Renee' . . . the one name other than Mic Brumby's that had gotten a rise out of the both of them simultaneously. I think I've hit the mother-lode, she mused.

Mac tensed. She knew it was coming—ultimately Renee' would find her way into their sessions just as all the others had. Truthfully, Mac hadn't disliked most of Harm's girlfriends, even though she may have had a strong opinion or two. Annie in particular came to mind—she didn't dislike her as much as she had pitied her. And Jordan—she knew their relationship would never have lasted. Dating a shrink is one thing—but being married AND analyzed would have put him over the edge, in her opinion.

In Renee's case, though, it was easy to make the exception. In the time Harm had dated her, she had managed to not only build the wall between them, she WAS the wall between them. A tall, blonde wall, with 4 inch heels, lip gloss and nails—those fake, manicured ones like you'd find in Wal-Mart. Makes you wonder what else is fake, Mac mused with a wicked grin, her cattiness getting the best of her.

Once again, Harm shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, trying to determine exactly where this was heading, besides straight to hell. His relationship with Renee' was almost as complicated as his relationship with Mac. Of course, a different kind of complicated.

Deciding to take the proverbial bull by the horns, Maddie stated quite matter-of-factly, leaving absolutely zero wiggle room, "It seems that out of all the names I had listed in your file, we haven't really discussed her yet and I'd like to do that . . . now."

"Not enough hours in the day for this discussion," Mac muttered to herself, frustrated with the direction this session was heading.

She didn't like Renee' from the word "go". Obviously, Mac's "lack of fondness" for her was multi-layered. She had always seen her as a shallow bimbo-type, for lack of a more appropriate word. In fact, Mac had little respect for any woman who used her attractiveness and flirtatious mannerisms as a means to an end. In a nutshell, THAT was Renee' Peterson. And, when it came to Harm, she had it down to a science.

Harm glanced over at Mac again. He didn't catch a word of what she had muttered since there was still that chasm of the couch between them. He scrunched his face slightly as he thought about where to begin with Renee'. No matter where he started, he was sure that it would only be a matter of time before things spiraled out of control. Renee' had a penchant for rubbing Mac the wrong way during his time with her, whether she—Renee'—had known it or not. Harm was certain it was the former. Although she hadn't been part of his life for over a year now, she still managed to be the primary brick-layer of that wall separating him and Mac.

Resigned to the fact he wasn't getting out of the room without discussing his relationship with her, Harm relented, asking with a sigh, "Where do you want me to start."

"How about when you started dating her," Maddie replied quickly.

Again, Harm shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, as if someone had stuffed the cushions with tacks. "Uh . . . a couple of months after I came back from the Patrick Henry. She was shooting a recruitment commercial for the Navy and . . . I was . . . the . . ."

". . . poster-boy," Mac finished the sentence for Harm without missing a beat. Well, not the way _he_ would have finished it, but I finished it, nonetheless.

". . . _subject_," Harm interjected, assertively of course, following it up with a sidelong glance and a raised eyebrow. He took a deep breath, quelling the desire to kick her Marine-ass for the comment.

Mac shot Harm a somewhat forced smile before turning her head to look away and stiffening her posture. Containing these emotions, chaotic as they may be, were becoming more difficult with each waning moment.

Suddenly, Maddie wished that she had just gone for the "basic overview" rather than the "take me back to the beginning" kind of question. She noticed how Mac bristled with every mention of Renee's name, and now this comment. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that there was some hostility there. She braced herself, wondering if she had just supplied the lit match to a room already filled will gasoline.

Video Princess and the Poster Boy, Mac thought to herself, half amused, half frustrated. She recalled the night she and Mic were sitting in a restaurant and Renee' came in. I wouldn't have been there with him had Harm not turned down my dinner offer.

_Is that the woman who shot the commercial?_

_Renee Peterson, bitch director from hell! Am I being too catty?_

_Yeah, but don't stop!_

_She cleans up well. Is she alone?_

_Waiting for someone._

_I cannot imagine the kind of guy who would go out with her! He'd have to be a whipped mama's boy who loves being dominated! _

_You think so? _

_Yeah, or a pot bellied sugar daddy who promised to finance her big movie!_

_No._

_No, no, you're right. You're right, a mindless trophy boy toy!_

_You're getting warmer. He's here._

In the ensuing moments, when she described to Mic the type of man who would date Renee', it never occurred to her that Harm would be _that_ type of man. But what upset her even more—Harm had turned _her_ down for a _date_ with Renee'. She had always wondered exactly what it was he saw in her, other than the obvious.

Harm's thoughts mirrored Mac. Walking into the restaurant that night and seeing her with Mic just flat out sickened him. Sure, he was having dinner with Renee'. It was all quite innocent, to his recollection. But the next day, jealousy was abundant as they got in each other's faces about their dates.

_How long have you been seeing her?_

_How long have you been seeing him?_

_What did you do after dinner last night?_

_What did you and Brumby do?_

That was just the tip of the iceberg, Harm thought. He had wanted to grab Mac by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. Maybe if he had, she would have woken up from that dreamland and let Bugme go back to his home planet or wherever it was he came from.

Somewhat impatiently, Maddie waited for Harm to expound on how he and Renee' started dating. Even in his silence, she could tell that he was still mulling the relationship over in his head. She hoped she wouldn't have to fill in the blanks with this girlfriend. And if she did, she could probably hit the facts, point for point—she was sensing a pattern here. Pretty girl shows interest, Harm likes the fun, she wants the commitment, he isn't the commitment type . . . buh, bye.

Trying to keep the discussion on track and her personal commentary under her hat, she pressed for more information, "What was she like, Harm? What kind of person was Renee'?"

Mac rolled her eyes, unseen by Harm or Maddie. Sitting through the life and times of Renee' Peterson was now grating on her nerves. Well, it doesn't take much when it comes to her, that's for sure, she thought. Had I known that today would turn out this way, I would have locked the doors and stayed in bed.

"Renee' . . . was . . . well, she was attractive," Harm said, trying to find the right words to describe her. "And, she had a very outgoing personality . . . she was talented and had a take-charge way about her."

"So she wasn't in the military? She was 'Hollywood'?" Maddie asked curiously, making quotation gestures in the air with her fingers to get her point across.

"Uh, no . . . not military at all. She was a director."

"Oh," Maddie responded, surprised. All of Harm's other girlfriends had some connection to either the military or government, with this exception. This intrigued her, to some extent.

She pressed for more information from Harm, "How long did your relationship last with her?"

Trying to calculate the time in his head, Harm gave it some thought, "It was probably about a year and a half, give or take a month or so."

Mac hadn't thought it would last longer than that one night, but to her disappointment, it had. Twenty months too long, she thought, inwardly sighing. That night in the restaurant, she and Harm had made eye-contact, both caught off-guard at the sight of the other with dates. It was a bizarre feeling, at least for Mac it was. In a strange way, it had felt like he was cheating on her—yet they were never in that type of a relationship. She had no basis to feel that way, yet she did.

In her restlessness, Mac had been unconsciously twisting the hairs of Zoloft's fluffy tail around her fingers. Deciding he had had enough, he loudly voiced his displeasure with her manipulations and jumped off her lap, heading to his favorite hiding place. In his wake, he left a layer of cat hair on Mac's sweater and a baffled look on her face.

Zoloft's quick exit left Maddie wondering what THAT was all about. Noticing her puzzled expression, Mac just shrugged her shoulders. Dismissing the incident as Zolly just being Zolly, Maddie continued despite the distraction, "What was your relationship with Renee' like, Harm?"

Dating Renee' had started out as fun, Harm recalled silently. She had done most of the pursuing and he didn't do much to dissuade her. Well, at least not at first. There were a couple of cancelled dates there, mainly because of case assignments. But nothing he had lost any sleep over. In all honesty, had Mac not been with Mic and taken his ring, he probably would have not gone beyond that one casual date with her. Seeing Mac go on with her life, he had felt left out. The longer she was with Mic, the more he felt distanced from her. Gone were the leisurely lunches and the working dinners with his best friend. It left behind an unmistakable emptiness. Sure, he eventually acquiesced to Renee'—after all, she was attractive and fun to be with. She was the diversion he thought he had needed to put his feelings for Mac away. But in his heart, she would never be Mac. The longer time went by, the harder it had become for him to just sever the ties with Renee'.

Drumming her pencil on the note pad in her lap, Maddie watched her client twitch with a certain nervousness and a definite reluctance to speak. She sensed the twenty-question game might again be afoot. However, she was far from the game-playing mood right now and if push came to shove, she'd tell him that in a not so ladylike fashion.

"Harm . . ." Maddie called to him. She wasn't sure if he was avoiding the answer, or he didn't know what the answer was.

Mac glanced over in Harm's direction, but he avoided making eye contact with her. There was no way in hell he could tell them how his relationship with Renee' evolved. It would certainly sound shallow . . . and to some extent, pathetic. He cleared his throat to find his voice before venturing an answer.

"Renee' was fun. We had a lot of good times together," he replied, trying to sound confident with his answer, but falling short.

Maddie picked up on Harm's tone of voice. He was purposefully glossing over his relationship with Renee' for some reason. And I'll bet the farm, it was probably because of Mac, she mused. Oh, this _is_ getting interesting.

"So she was fun? Your relationship with her lasted for a year and a half because she was _fun_?" Maddie pressed, almost sounding sarcastic in her attempt to glean the information from Harm.

"Yeah . . . I guess," he stammered, a little flustered by the question. "Don't most men date women because they're fun?" This time a slight nervous chuckle found its way out. Not exactly the right phrasing or tone, but it was too late to take it back. Yep, definitely sounded shallow that time Rabb, he thought.

Maddie snorted at his response and countered with one of her own, "So, she never wanted more from your relationship other than just fun? . . . Hmm . . . interesting."

Harm was caught off guard by Maddie's counterpoint. He didn't expect his answer to be challenged. "Uh . . . well . . . she would hint every so often that she wanted, uh, more . . ."

This time Mac was the one who snorted. She could no longer confine her commentary to passing thoughts.

"Those gold wings act like a homing beacon for bimbos." Getting it all off her chest felt cathartic . . . inappropriate, yes . . . but definitely cathartic.

"Excuse me?" Harm sputtered, suddenly feeling like the only man at a Women's Rights convention. On most days, that wouldn't have been a bad thing. By his best perception, today wasn't one of those days.

Mac recalled the woman that Bobbi had tried to fix the Admiral up with—Caroline something-or-other. In a matter of seconds, Harm was holding court with her and she was hanging . . . no, drooling . . . on his every word. Score one for the flyboy charm, works every time.

"Never mind, Harm. It's not something you would understand," she said with an acerbic tone and a wave of her hand.

"Hint how, Harm?" Maddie quickly interjected, ignoring Mac's comments. She wanted to keep the discussion going before more fur started to fly, and she didn't mean Zolly's.

Harm regrouped, "Well . . . she . . ." another pause followed by a frustrated sigh, "I don't know how, she just did."

Before Maddie could follow up to his statement, Mac already had the words out. Her disdain for everything Renee' left the simmer stage and moved on to a full boil.

"You mean to tell me—tell Maddie—that you can't recall any specifics from your relationship with Renee'? Exactly how shallow are you, Harm?"

"Mac. . ." Maddie interjected, but she went unheard.

"Shallow?" Harm laughed, "You're kidding me, right? Fine. You want to play that way, let's do it." He was now standing, facing Mac at the edge of the sofa, "Let's talk shallow. How about taking a ring—an _engagement_ ring—from someone you hardly knew?" His own sarcasm caught him off guard, but in a strange way, it also felt incredibly therapeutic.

"Harm . . ." Maddie tried again with the male counterpart of the duo, a little louder than before. Yet again, it went unnoticed.

Suddenly, Mac was on her feet, toe to toe with Harm and in his face, "Don't go THERE! You have NO idea what the HELL you are talking about, COMMANDER!"

to be continued . . . .


	31. Part 20b: The Video Princess Diaries

Her anger resonated off the walls, startling both the counselor and the cat hiding behind the desk. She was angry. No, she was pissed. First off, Harm had played the clueless-flyboy when it came to discussing Renee and commitment issues. But then, throwing Mic in her face like that was an act of war—especially considering he really had no clue when it came to her or her relationship with Mic—past or present.

Just as quick, Maddie jumped up from her seat, scattering the papers from their file across the floor. She forcibly stood between the two officers, praying she didn't get her jaw broke in the process.

"ENOUGH!" She shouted, physically pushing them apart and making it very clear that she meant business. Her swift action caught their attention immediately. Damn it! It's days like this that I wish I worked at Starbucks! Maddie sighed loudly and watched as the two officers stared at one another before retreating. Mac returned to her spot on the sofa while Harm walked across the room for a glass of water. Neither proffered an apology—of any sort. Yet, their expressions spoke the regret they both felt at their actions.

The counselor smoothed her sweater and then proceeded to quickly gather the papers strewn at her feet, not caring if they were in order or not. Frankly, I would like to heave them in the fireplace right now. "What good are my notes anyway? Those two keep making the rules up as they go along! I swear I am DONE playing nice!" Maddie muttered to herself.

Out of the corner of her eye, Mac watched Harm. He drained the glass of water he had brought to his mouth and it seemed he was now deciding whether he would return to their shared piece of furniture or continue to hold his post on the other side of the room. The guilt she felt at her comments to Harm was churning in her gut. Truthful or not, I shouldn't have behaved that way, she thought.

Harm was too busy focusing on his next move to notice Mac's covert observation tactics or Maddie's frustrated chart gathering. He figured it was at least eight, maybe even six, good strides to the door and he knew he could make it there before either woman noticed. But he was also certain that if he bolted now, his Naval career might be in jeopardy if the Admiral's orders—counseling or charges—weren't carried out. Even worse, Mac would be gone from his life for good. This day certainly didn't turn out as I had hoped it would. Yeah, what I said was hurtful—but so was what she said. Maybe we're even . . . I don't know. I lashed out at her . . . I shouldn't have.

Maddie made a feeble attempt at straightening their file before giving up and tossing the papers on her desk, utterly frustrated. As she strode past Harm to do so, she observed how he sheepishly examined his shoes, avoiding any eye contact with her. Walking back to her chair, she saw Mac sitting silently on her side of the couch, legs crossed and looking anywhere but at Harm. The sadness on her face was unmistakable.

Their actions hadn't surprised Maddie all that much. She had a feeling that this had been a long time coming between the two, even with their eruption the first day of counseling . . . and the second day too. With any other couple, she probably would have let them have their say before interfering. But with these two—she had begun to view them as more than just clients. It was almost as if she had had a personal stake in their future. Part of her felt like their friend, their confidant. She couldn't let them get in each other's face like that. As a friend, she felt she had to intervene. But as their counselor, she should have let it go and see where it would have taken them. Of course, she knew it wouldn't have gotten beyond a few choice words.

Having had the time to regroup, Maddie motioned to Harm, "Please sit down and let's discuss what just happened."

"Yeah," he muttered, frustrated, and poured another glass of water.

"Without the hostility . . . please!" Maddie said firmly, of course the emphasis was on the "please," for what it was worth.

Mac looked in Harm's direction, watching as he took yet another drink. He set the glass down and turned toward the couch. Briefly, they locked eyes, before Mac broke the connection by looking away. With a sigh, Harm proceeded to sit down and get comfortable. He found himself wishing he could go back to the times they were close, and sniping and harsh words rarely, if ever, happened.

The three of them sat there for what seemed an eternity. Maddie knew her only recourse was to proceed with the session. It was in all of their best interest to discuss what had occurred and work to a resolution. Yet, she couldn't help but wonder if there ever would be a resolution for these two. If she could just get them to talk—like adults—that maybe they stood half a chance. Right now, she would be happy if they finished the session with minimal bloodshed. With a sigh—and without her notes—Maddie was the first to break the silence.

"Harm . . . you have established that your relationship with Renee' was fun, right?"

"Yes," was the terse, mono-syllabic response from the man on the couch.

"Mac . . . you seemed to feel that his relationship with her was shallow, right?"

"Yes," the woman on the couch said, mimicking the man's response.

"Harm . . . your relationship with Renee' lasted over a year and a half. At what point during this relationship did you think she wanted a commitment from you?"

His silence hung in the air like a dense fog. Resigned to finish what they had started, he gave thought to Maddie's question. He was certain that Renee' started wanting a commitment about the same time that Mac and Mic were planning their wedding, although he truly had no evidence.

Deciding to generalize the time frame, he replied with a sigh, "A few months into our relationship, I guess." Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Mac shift her position on the couch, yet she remained quiet.

"Was there any discussion about commitment or the future?" Step by step, inch by inch. Maybe playing the twenty-question game could work to my advantage, Maddie wondered.

Harm rubbed his brow with a pensive look, "Uh, not really. She would just spend more and more time at my place—mainly weekends, sometimes longer. But, if you're asking if we talked about it, then no. It just seemed to end up that way."

"So there was never any discussion about moving in together—it just happened?" Not that Maddie thought this was uncommon. But, in her opinion, letting someone move in without discussion implied some sort of commitment, whether Harm had realized that or not. Maybe he had just relented . . . enough nagging could do that too, Maddie thought.

"Yeah, I guess." His answer sounded more like a question. Perhaps he had just let Renee' "happen" in his life, the effort had always been on her part.

Mac had clearly seen during the time Harm and Renee' had been together how clingy and very demonstrative she was with him. The only thing she didn't do was hang a sign around his neck saying "Hands Off! He's Mine!"

To Maddie, it all sounded like Harm allowed Renee' to manipulate the relationship to her liking, with the hopes of "happily-ever-after" bringing up the rear.

"Earlier, you said she had hinted at commitment—how?"

"Well . . . when Mac made her engagement to Bugme, er, Brumby official, Renee' had commented on how two people, from opposite ends of the world . . . found each other and were becoming one . . . or something like that. She had called it a _miracle_." Harm's little sarcastic inflection on the word "miracle" flowed unconsciously from his tongue. Talking about Mac and Brumby in that context had always been a bitter pill to swallow.

Sighing, Harm continued, "Renee' wanted to know when she could have her miracle."

"What did you say to her?" Maddie asked, her voice nearly a whisper.

"I . . . uh . . . well, we got interrupted when I had to return to court for a verdict. Look, Renee' was a little neurotic. Hell, she even kept counting the days until Mac got married."

Before Maddie could respond, Mac turned to face Harm and was speaking, irritation tinting her words.

"A little neurotic? Renee' counted the days until my wedding like a kid counting the days till Christmas."

Maddie saw Harm make a face at Mac's statement and interrupted him before another argument could ensue. "Why do you think she did that, Harm?"

"I think it she did it to get a commitment from me . . ." Harm began, right before Mac cut him off.

"She was jealous," Mac muttered to no one in particular.

Jealous. Harm rolled the word around in his head, trying to apply it to Renee'. Whenever she spoke about Mac, there had always been an edge to her voice. Unexpectedly, an image from the past danced through his mind. A towel-clad Mac was gliding barefoot across his bedroom, leaning in to kiss him as he lay on his bed. In the split second it took to utter her name, Mac had suddenly become Renee' and very angry.

_Harm, did you just call me, "Mac"?_

_  
No._

_  
It sure sounded like that._

Well why would I call you, "Mac"? I mean, I know the difference between you and Mac.

_  
And what would that be, other than the fact that her boobs are bigger?_

Saying he was embarrassed was an understatement. Sure, he had been having those visions of Mac, but he had discounted them a result of the blow to his head. But mistaking Renee' for Mac was a blunder too significant to overlook. Ever since Kate had made mention of Mac as one of the women complicating his life, he began to wonder if his feelings for her were that transparent. Renee' putting him on the spot didn't help either.

_Are you in love with her?_

_Oh Renee . . . besides she's getting married in a matter of days._

_I know, I've been counting the days, then I can have you and my miracle._

Looking back now, he could say with most certainty that Renee' was jealous. At the time, it had been easy to dismiss it as ridiculous or some sort of paranoia. Could it have been that Renee' feared her suspicions would come true . . . or were true?

As Harm opened his mouth to speak, Maddie held up her hand to halt any sort of rebuttal from him. She wanted to hear Mac's evidence on the jealousy factor first.

"Jealous? That's an interesting word to use, Mac. Tell me why you think Renee' was jealous. Do you think she was jealous of you or what you had with Mic?"

Mac didn't expect to be put on the spot. She hadn't intended the remark to be heard; it sort of just slipped out. Having to interpret Harm's relationship with Renee' wasn't high on her list of priorities. But Maddie's question did make her want to put all this Renee' crap into some perspective.

Sighing, Mac decided to lay it all out for her, for what it was worth.

"Renee' was jealous of a lot of things but it all wasn't about what I had with Mic."

"What was it then?" Maddie interrupted, curious about Mac's view on the subject.

Mac glanced over at Harm before continuing and made eye contact briefly. She was getting a feeling from him that her assumptions were correct. They both knew it was all about her—all about Mac's place in Harm's life as his friend. And, of course, it also involved how or what he felt for her. That, in her opinion, was the root of all of Renee's jealousy.

"I believe . . . I feel that Renee' was jealous of the relation, uh, friendship I had with Harm."

"What do you think would make her feel that way?" Maddie asked with curiosity, hoping it would be the key unlocking the door to a resolution for them.

Not knowing how to answer the question, Mac picked at the cat hair on her sweater first, and then took a deep breath. "I think she envied our friendship for one thing."

"Do you think that was basis for her jealousy?" the counselor pressed.

"That's something you'll have to ask Harm." Mac said quietly without looking up.

"Harm . . . what do you think?" Maddie asked.

Hesitantly he replied, "Maybe". He knew that Mac was right, but he didn't come out and directly say she was.

Maddie mentally started piecing together the timeline for all this. With her notes strewn across the desk, she had to rely on her vivid recall of their past sessions for her information. If her memory served her correctly, Renee' and Harm had been together about the time Mac was supposed to marry Mic. And, it was about that same time Harm had crashed into the ocean—trying to get back for a wedding that never happened.

But . . . there was something else about all this. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but it was there. It had to be from one of those times that Harm and Mac went off on a tangent about their relationship. Think, think, think . . . it was something Harm had said . . . something about . . . the night Mic left—that's IT!

Maddie suddenly remembered the conversation—Mic left, Harm asked Mac to come to him and then he made her go away because of Renee' . . . her father had died. Could this have been a turning point in their relationship? Could this one moment have changed the dynamic of . . . of _everything_? But, when did Harm end it with Renee'? How did that fall into this picture? Maddie was reeling—that last puzzle piece to all this was within her grasp.

Composing herself, Maddie sat up straight in her chair, crossed her legs and then cleared her throat. "Harm," she began coolly, trying to sound professional while her insides were dancing with glee over her discovery, "When did you break up with Renee'?"

Caught off guard by the question, Harm looked at Maddie wide-eyed. He wondered how she could switch gears so quickly, jumping from Renee's jealousy into how they broke up. Why would she change the subject like that? I think she's gone off the deep end this time, he thought, not making the association between the two.

Having not been around all that much then, yet at the same time barely communicating with Harm, Mac truthfully didn't know the how's and why's of the break-up. In fact, she figured she was probably the last to know. But, if she had to pick one thing, she was certain Harm's inability to commit spurred Renee' to rethink things with Harm and move on with Cyrus. Having found it all out from Sturgis instead of Harm had hurt her more than she could have imagined—more than she ever let him know.

"When did I break up with Renee'?" Harm restated the question mostly to try to understand whether Maddie was looking for a specific date or a generalization. Of course, a little stalling never hurt either.

"Yes—you said you were together for about a year and a half. Obviously the two of you are no longer together—so that means you broke up, right?" Maddie explained with frustration. Why is it so hard to understand the concept one minus one equals zero?

Harm knew that he and Renee' would never have had a future in the sense of the wedded bliss she wanted. Knowing it was one thing, actually doing something about it was a whole other ballgame. Letting life happen was easier than making it happen. Consequently, there had been no dramatic finale to their relationship, no grand gestures on his behalf. It had ended just about as passively as it had begun.

But would I have ended it on my own had life not intervened? Was I too much of a gentleman or did I take the easy way out? What would it have taken to tell her that there was no future for us?

_What are you willing to give up to have me? Mic gave up the Navy and his country. Would you sacrifice your girlfriend?  
_

Harm looked up and saw not only Maddie staring at him waiting for an answer, but Mac as well. He knew he would have given Renee' up in a heartbeat had Mac just said the word. He had even told her so—except his words had resonated off the cold steel walls of an empty room. She was gone before she could hear his answer.

_Why didn't you tell me about Renee?_

_  
Uh, I don't know, Mac. It occurred too late to mean anything._

_  
In English, please?_

_  
I couldn't._

_  
She broke up with you?_

_  
It's been over for a while._

_  
I'm sorry._

_  
So am I . . . I'm sorry I, I'm sorry I couldn't tell you._

Renee' leaving had truly occurred too late—too late for the grand gesture he thought Mac needed, or better still, deserved. There's no sense rehashing the when's and why's now, I can't change the past.

"Look, Maddie, it's been over with for a long time. What does it matter now when I broke up with Renee'?" He was pretty certain that his non-answer was not what she was looking for.

"Okay, if you can't tell me _when_, then tell me _why_ you broke up with her," Maddie pressed, abruptly changing the direction of the conversation in the hopes of getting to the truth.

The emotions Mac had been struggling with through the session erupted in one muttered word, bitterness and all, "Commitment."

Despite the counselor's previous warning about hostility, Harm wasn't about to let Mac get away with that remark—at least not without a fight.

"How would you know why Renee' and I broke up—YOU ran off to the Indian Ocean to clear your head, if I remember correctly," Harm countered hotly.

Mac stood up at the edge of the sofa, and pointing at him said, "I went there to get away from YOU!"

Suddenly, Harm was on his feet as well. "You were running away, Mac!"

"That's YOUR M.O., Harm—not mine! Anyway, why did you follow me to the Guadal? Did you think it would mean something?"

"We needed to talk!"

"Talk? About what, Harm? Huh?" Mac turned her back to him. She closed her eyes tightly to shut out the memory of that day and his response to her ultimatum. _What, you're testing me?_ It always comes down to commitment with him, she thought sadly through her anger.

Harm wanted to grab her and make her face him, but couldn't. Instead, he answered her question simply, "Us . . ."

Mac spun on her heels, and with laugh retorted, "There never was an _us_, Harm. See—that's where you're confused—it was only ever you and Renee'."

"Just like it had been you and Mic, right?" Recalling her earlier disclosure about calling Mic, he then added with a desperate sigh, "Some things never change, do they?"

Surprisingly enough, Maddie had been sitting there silently, riveted with their heated debate. No way was she stopping them now, as she had earlier. The dominos were now falling into place, one by one. So many years of misunderstandings and hidden emotions—it was time to lay it all on the line. It was the only way she, as their counselor, could help them. No doubt, Maddie had a bazillion questions dancing in her already overloaded mind. But they would have to come later, as a new agenda suddenly came to light.


	32. Part 21: Not So Solitary Confinement

Not So Solitary Confinement

With the intensity of their dispute, Harm and Mac never saw Maddie stand up, get her purse and walk into the outer room. Claiming her coat from the hook, she quietly pulled the door shut behind her, locking it with a sly smile. In her many years of cursing the antiquated dead-bolt on the office, it had finally come in handy.

"Perfect," she said to herself. Maddie checked her watch and mulled it over, "A couple hours should do it." She paused long enough to listen for blood curdling screams. Not having heard any, she figured it was safe to leave. Just as she was about to walk down the hall, she heard her name called—rather loudly—from behind the door. It was Mac's voice.

"Maddie! Get BACK here! Unlock THIS door!" she yelled while rattling the door knob and pounding on the hard wood.

And then a few words from Harm followed, "Maddie! This isn't funny!"

Maddie was amused with the irritated tone they took. Pulling a piece of paper from her purse (actually an old receipt from Petsmart), she hastily jotted a note and slid it under the door to them. With one final smile and a nod of her head, she skipped and twirled down the hallway, immensely content with her latest plan, even if the unorthodox tactic was a wee bit unprofessional.

Of course, she had given some thought to Zoloft, whom she had left behind in the potential "war zone." You can hold your own, Zolly, Maddie thought, I'll be back for you soon enough. With that, she continued her trek out of the building and to her car.

Back inside the office, Mac picked up the note and read it aloud, "Sorry about the inconvenience. You two feel free to resolve your differences in private. I'll be back later. Maddie." She stood there staring at the words, refusing to accept that this was happening to them.

Snatching the message from Mac's hands, Harm read it in disbelief. "Inconvenience? I can't believe . . . resolve our differences! Damn it! She'll be back later?" He paced the floor, rambling on about the note before crumpling it and tossing it across the room in frustration.

"Unbelievable!" Mac muttered, turning back toward the door. She fingered the lock with bewilderment. The only way to open it from the inside was with a key, and in her assessment, picking it was out of the question. "Who puts this kind of lock in an office?"

As Mac walked away from the door, Harm's pacing brought him too it. He ran his hands over the door, noticing the recessed iron hinges. No way in hell these are coming off without some kind of power tools, he thought, rubbing his chin. Making a fist, he pounded the wood in hopes the door was hollow.

Watching her partner size up the door, she could see the gears cranking in his head. "Go ahead, Harm. Break the door down," Mac said, with an irritated huff and a roll of her eyes.

"You don't think I can do it?" Harm retorted with a snort.

"YOU? Houdini couldn't get us out of here!" she scoffed, gesturing toward the wooden creature blocking their exit. Silently she wished he could; it would certainly solve the matter at hand with one quick motion—and create some broken bones to boot, no doubt. And since I'm no medic, that option is clearly out of the question.

With a shake of her head, she turned and went back into Maddie's private office, resigned to the fact they were stuck there until Maddie decided to set them free—whenever THAT would be. If she went shopping, we could be here for DAYS! Mac shuddered at the thought.

Harm, on the other hand, examined the door one last time with the hope he'd find some way to get it open and free them from the psychiatric dungeon to which Maddie had damned them. Too bad that 'Open Sesame' only works in the movies, he thought cynically, before returning to the other room.

As soon as he entered the room, Harm sought out the sofa and sat down with his head back, closing his eyes. It took him all of ten seconds to conclude this friend of Meredith's was some sort of sadistic loon in need of her own padded room. For a second, he thought about calling Sturgis or even Bud to get them out. But then he banished the idea completely. First off—they would never believe me. And once I convinced them, I would never hear the end of it. I should have gotten out of here while I had the chance, Harm lamented.

Mac, meanwhile, had been slowly pacing the room, alternating between looking out the window and perusing the books on the shelves. She leisurely gazed at the walls, almost hoping some hidden escape hatch would magically appear. To her relief, though, she did note that what she thought was a closet was actually Maddie's private bathroom. I'll have to remember to thank Maddie for her hospitality when we get out of here, she thought wryly.

For forty-nine minutes, silence had enveloped the room, with the exception of the soft "tick-tick" from the grandfather clock and the muffled hum of traffic from the street below. With the shut windows, the room had taken on an almost church-like atmosphere. Somewhere from under the desk peered wide eyes and a furry head, scrutinizing the guests that had overstayed their welcome. Appreciating the stillness in the room, Zoloft tucked his head under his thick tail in hopes of continuing his much needed nap.

All this silence had given Mac time to think. Everything about this day gave her a headache. From the moment they hit the door, things had gone horribly. Again, she silently berated herself for attempting to tell Harm about her call to Mic. Big mistake, she thought. What's the sense of trying to make it right—he is only going to react like he did earlier. And the Renee' discussion hadn't helped matters either. In her estimation, the baggage they had brought into this counseling was insurmountable. Perhaps getting past it means moving on—without each other. God—it hurts just to even think about it. Maybe it was never meant to be, she thought, sadness consuming her. Glancing at Harm as she strode past him for the millionth time, she noticed how easily he seemed to be handling this lock-down of Maddie's.

Since Maddie had locked them in, Harm could only think about how and when he screwed up his relationship with Mac—point for point. And of course, Mic's emergence into the picture was there in his head too. He had no idea how to handle it other than back away graciously and let Mac get on with her life, as he did that night on the Admiral's porch. That was him—ever the gentleman. His life's goal had always been to do what is right and honest. Even if doing what is right was killing him. But the thought of life without Mac was too painful to bear.

Mac. Without opening his eyes, he knew exactly where she was in the room and at what moment by her soft foot-falls as she moved across the rug to the hardwood floors and back. The sound was soothing to him, just knowing she was near . . . despite all their issues.

Hunger was starting to get the best of Mac. Since she had been counting on breakfast with Harm after their session, she had had nothing to eat at home. Now the ever-present gnawing in her stomach was hard to ignore. Noticing a mini-refrigerator tucked near the file cabinet, she decided to look for something—anything—to nibble on.

With one quick tug, the door to the refrigerator opened with a _zwop_. At its sound, Harm lifted his head off the sofa and regarded Mac warily with one eye before lying back against the soft cushion. Only she could think of food at a time like this, he noted.

Three cans of diet coke, a pint of half and half, chocolate syrup and a half-eaten bowl of what appeared to be tuna—not exactly the breakfast of champions I had hoped for, she thought. Mac picked up the dish, removed the plastic wrap and brought it to her nose, hoping it was somewhat fresh.

"Ugh! Phew! That is NOT tuna!" she said, gagging.

"What did you expect—caviar? She's got a cat for Christ sake, Mac," Harm said with some annoyance.

At the sound of the plastic wrap crinkling, Zolly was on his feet and wrapped around Mac's legs mewing and flicking his tail in anticipation of the snack in her hands. Without further prompting, she set the bowl down on the floor before the hungry feline would dance himself right out of his fur.

"Brilliant deduction, Commander. Any more observations?" Mac commented, standing up and tossing the plastic wrap in the trash.

Harm closed his eyes again and crossed his arms over his chest, "Yeah, this was a bad idea from the start. There was no way in hell we could solve our differences with a counselor."

Taken aback by Harm's response, Mac watched his expressionless face intently. She couldn't even begin to know where his heart or his head was at the moment. But she did understand it, nonetheless, as she had earlier contemplated the same notion. "What do you suggest?" she inquired quietly, unsure if she was ready to hear what he had to say.

"Maybe we should just go our separate ways . . . we're long overdue." Harm said remorsefully with a shrug. He opened his eyes long enough to catch a glimpse of her, still standing near the refrigerator. The pallor in her face was a stark contrast with the fuchsia-colored sweater she wore. If it was possible, he thought she had never looked more beautiful yet so lost. It tore at his heart to see her so conflicted because of him.

Mac choked back the lump that formed in her throat. She took a deep breath, and then asked carefully, "And you think that will solve things?"

"What else is left, Mac?"

Slowly, Mac strode over to the leather chair Maddie had occupied throughout their sessions and sat down. Absentmindedly, she tucked her hair behind her ears and leaned back against the chair before folding her hands in her lap. She never removed her gaze from him.

"Why are we here, Harm?"

"Maddie locked us in, remember?" he replied, stating the obvious. His witty retort vanished in the somberness of the room.

Mac was unable to muster the energy to counter his response. She was certain he understood her question, no sense in arguing with him.

Sitting up, Harm leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and scrubbed his face with his hands. _Why are we here?_ It was suddenly the million-dollar question that he thought he had had the answer to yesterday. Now he wasn't so sure. With every bit of progress they made, he could see a light at the end of the tunnel. Except now, the light he saw belonged to a speeding Amtrak train bound for Brumby-ville.

"Mac, what difference does it make? Everything has changed—it doesn't matter anymore why we're here," Harm stated, locking eyes with hers.

"What's changed, Harm?" Mac countered and then sighed wistfully, "I wish you would just talk to me."

"Don't you think we've done enough talking for one day?" It was more of a statement than a question.

Harm stood up and regarded Mac carefully before moving toward the window. He had an idea where she was taking this conversation and he wasn't entirely certain he was ready to go there—yet. At some point, he knew he had to. He had to be honest with her and tell her how he felt—about her, about Brumby . . . about everything. Then it would be up to her to decide where they would go—if anywhere—from here.

"Why do you think we're here, Mac?" Harm asked quietly, peering out the window first before turning to face her.

Mac considered the question and the context in which Harm presented it. Right now, she felt like she was sitting in the witness box, the answer to the question would determine the fate of a client—them. However, in her estimation, Harm was stalling—for whatever reason.

"I asked you first, remember?" she countered bleakly, still looking for her answer.

Harm nodded his head, acknowledging her before answering, "We're here . . . because we have a problem."

Mac snickered at his ambiguity—which she considered to be his inability to commit to anything—counseling, the question, her.

"No, you have a problem," she said with an irritated tone. "God—I hate this dance," she muttered, covering her face with her hands. She felt defeated—it left her feeling empty and miserable.

"Yeah, you're right, Mac. I do have a problem," he said quietly. Taking a deep breath, he added, "I'm in love with my best friend and I don't know how to deal with it anymore."

Mac gasped, and uncovered her face. She tried to open her mouth to say something—anything, but she couldn't. Harm took advantage of her silence to continue before he would lose his nerve.

"And I don't know how to deal with Brumby coming back into your life, either," he said moving across the room from the window to the chair where she sat. Pulling the ottoman over, he sat in front of her, taking her hands in his.

She finally understood—this is what had been nagging Harm the entire time. It made sense to her now—from his evasiveness when she wanted to talk about it to his indifference during the session.

"Harm . . ." Mac whispered tearfully, wanting to immediately clarify her phone call to Mic.

"Let me finish, Mac," Harm interrupted. "For what it's worth, I am in love with you. I know I risk losing you by telling you this, but I have to. It's a risk I . . . I'm finally willing to take."

"But Harm . . ." she again tried to interrupt, but was silenced with a gentle look.

"Last time, Brumby walked in and swept you off your feet without so much as a whimper from me." Harm's heart was racing and his voice trembled. He took another deep breath, hoping to quell his nervousness. "It's not happening this time—I'm not letting it."

"Harm—there is something that you need to know." Mac brought her hand up to his face and pressed her fingers on his lips to silence him. She needed him to hear her out.

"I called Mic because I want . . . I need closure—not because I want him back."

Harm was stunned. "But I thought . . ."

"That's the problem—you think too much _and_ you jump to conclusions without all the evidence, counselor," Mac said with a smile. "That's what I was trying to tell you earlier." Then, she softly added, "I did it for us . . . because I'm in love with you."

Without another word, Harm pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly, completely and utterly relieved. That earlier voice inside his head was now saying, 'see, I told you so!'

Mac pulled back a little from his embrace, "That's it? No rebuttal? No, 'I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions Mac'?"

Harm shook his head gently. He looked deep into her eyes and said, "No—just this." With that he took her face in his hands, brought his lips to hers and kissed her like there was no tomorrow.


	33. Epilogue

Something Old, Something New, and Some Borrowed Prada Shoes

1830 local time (April 25, 2003)  
Edentide Bed and Breakfast  
Deltaville, VA

(As told from Maddie's POV)

_Finally_, it's here. The day and the appointed hour have arrived. If I had to wait any longer, I would need to be medicated. Believe me, there was a time when I had thought I would never have seen this day—but it's here. And it's a perfect, glorious day! Being the romantic I am, I could not have imagined it any better . . . or any more beautiful.

Close your eyes for a moment and picture it . . . dusk is slowly falling across a cloudless spring sky; the warm air is perfumed with the heady scent of lilacs and cherry blossoms in full bloom. The soft, rhythmic lapping of the river against the shoreline is the percussion, keeping time with the symphony of crickets beginning their nightly serenade. Candles of varying sizes surround a gazebo laden with wisteria. Under its roof, a string quartet plays a delicate tune as a woman clad in a long, simple white dress glides across the grass, making her way to the handsome, uniformed man waiting at the water's edge. The smiles on their faces are the epilogue to a story that began long ago in a Rose Garden.

Last year—November to be exact—I had begun counseling the now-happy couple at the request of their commanding officer, back when they weren't so happy and definitely _not_ a couple. Had I known then that these two were going to be a handful, to say the least, I might have thought twice about doing it. They had to be the biggest challenge in my entire career as a counselor. Looking back now, I wouldn't have given up the opportunity to know them and counsel them for all the Manolo Blahnik's in Neiman Marcus.

I wish I could take full credit for this day and the happiness it brings them, but I can't. Officially, though, I can only take credit for the white, high-heeled Prada sling-back shoes the bride is wearing. Of all things for a woman to forget—on her wedding day, no less! Thankfully, being the shoe-goddess that I am, I travel well stocked and prepared for _anything_! Besides, the kitten-heeled Jimmy Choo's I'm wearing really compliments my pink Escada suit! Try explaining to your husband why the three pairs of stilettos you brought wouldn't exactly work with the freshly mowed lawn and the uneven ground. Sometimes he just doesn't get it. The happy-ending part of this story actually began to take shape the very day I bought the shoes the bride is now wearing. (Which, by the way, were mega-cheap at an end of season sale, in case you're interested!) But, I digress.

Watching AJ escort Mac to a waiting Harm at the water's edge, I am giddy with delight despite the tears streaming down my cheeks. Scanning the small crowd of friends that have gathered for this momentous occasion, I realize I'm not the only one shedding a tear. But, I'm probably the only one who knows how they walked through fire to reach their destiny. As they had told me, on more than one occasion, they'd do it all over again if it still brought them here . . . to this point in time . . . and to one another. And I would do it for them again in a heartbeat.

But today, it's all about them, and the lifetime of love and happiness that awaits them. I once read something that fits this moment—and them—perfectly.

_"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." _

This is their brand new ending.

_**flashback**_

Six months earlier  
Old Town Alexandria, VA

Over three and a half hours after leaving her office, Maddie had finally decided it was time to return. Sure, she could have spent all day shopping—today had been a banner day by her standards—but staying out longer would have only compounded the situation she had created earlier.

Throughout her life, her one notable flaw (as she had been often told) had always been impulsivity and today was no different. Completely fed up with the way her counseling session had evolved, she promptly left them—Harm and Mac—alone together. Rather, alone together AND locked in her office. If _that_ wasn't impulsiveness, then I don't know what is, she thought.

Turning onto King Street, panic had suddenly seized her. Those two are _lawyers_—they could _sue_ me for this. Or worse yet, what if they had called the _police_? I could be _charged_ with holding them hostage! Maddie's heart began to race, imagining all the potential ramifications from her actions. "Oh, I've really done it this time," she sighed, her palms sweaty as she gripped the steering wheel, white-knuckled. "Maybe this wasn't one of my brighter ideas."

Bringing the car to a stop in an empty parking spot, she immediately caught sight of a uniformed man on the opposite side of the street, next to her building. Maddie's heart began pounding uncontrollably in her chest as she opened her car door. Her knees felt like they would give out at any moment. At the sound of the car door shutting, the man looked up and over at her, before returning his attentions to the paperwork in his hand.

"Oh, thank goodness," she gasped. To her relief, it was only the meter man or traffic control cop—whatever they're calling themselves these days. However, it had also crossed her mind that Harm and Mac's vehicle had been on the street for a very long time—most likely at one of those expired meters he was checking. Since she hadn't any idea what type of car they drove, she had no way of saving them from the inevitable parking ticket. Plunking her coins in the meter, she made a mental note to offer to pay whatever fines they incurred—that is, if her clients didn't kill her first.

Anxious yet completely petrified, Maddie avoided rushing up to her office. Instead, she leisurely climbed the stairs, taking what seemed to be an eternity to reach the second floor and imagining every scenario with each step along the way. Slowly, she pulled the stairwell door open and peered around the corner and down the hall toward her office. The passage appeared quiet and, thankfully, empty. Feeling all was safe, she moved through the door and began the final leg of her journey.

As she made her way down the corridor, she had taken a few slow, easy deep breaths to calm herself, and circumvent the hyperventilation trying to consume her. Maddie's palms were still clammy and her heart was pounding when she reached the door to her office. In her assessment, it hadn't been opened. Carefully she placed her ear to the door, hoping to hear something that might give her a clue as to what lay before her. The silence she found confused her—they couldn't have left, could they? But, how would they have gotten out? Could it be that they've sat there in silence this whole time? Was all this for _nothing_?

Curiosity had replaced her earlier apprehension. Hurriedly, Maddie pulled her keys from her purse and wrapped her fingers around them, preventing them from jingling against the door. In one swift movement, she placed the key in the lock and turned it, opening the wooden beast that had kept her clients confined for most of the morning. Careful not to make any noise, she tip-toed into the room and quietly shut the door behind her.

Briefly surveying the area, she noticed Zoloft sitting near her inner-office door. If it were possible for a cat to look perturbed, he certainly did. In fact, his expression strongly resembled the look he gave her whenever she and her husband engaged in any affectionate behavior, or he had been shut out of the bedroom—for obvious reasons.

Maddie raised an eyebrow, and whispered to herself skeptically, "Really? They didn't! Did they?" as Zolly flicked his tail and scurried into the other room, unwilling to welcome his mistress back. Now she was even more curious as to the goings-on in her office during her absence.

Initially, the silence in her office was unmistakable. But now, some three minutes later, she thought she heard Harm's voice, soft and low, followed by what she thought was the faint sound of Mac giggling. Maddie was torn between "announcing" her arrival with some sort of noise, _or_ peering carefully into the office, unbeknownst to them. Deciding on the latter, she crept silently toward the door, only to trip, drop her keys on the hardwood floor with a loud jangle and clank, and then loudly shriek, "Shit!" as she fell through the doorway and into the room. Harm and Mac, who had been curled up on the sofa together, were startled and immediately sat up.

"Well . . . how nice of you to join us, Maddie!" Harm said with a laugh, standing up and attempting to help her.

"Looks like our captor has returned to the scene of the crime," Mac added with a smile, likewise rising.

Klutz! No one would ever believe I went to Charm School with _that_ little two-step, Maddie thought, absolutely mortified by her lack of finesse. And, considering she hadn't the opportunity to verify if they were "decent", she immediately covered her face with her hands before Harm could help her up. Of course, it was just killing her to take a little peek.

"Uh, do you want me, uh, to step out so you could, uh . . ." Maddie stammered.

"Do what, Maddie?" Mac asked, before it dawned on her what their counselor assumed had gone on. "Its okay, Maddie. You can uncover your eyes—we have nothing to hide."

Harm regarded Mac's statement quizzically before he had his own light bulb moment. "Yeah, Maddie. You _do_ want to know what happened after you left, don't you?" He struggled to sound convincing, stifling a snicker.

Maddie felt like she was in the middle of her worst nightmare. Facing the consequences of her unorthodox therapy was almost as painful as wearing a pair of ill-fitting shoes. "Look, guys, I'm really, _really_ sorry. I'll just go into the other room and . . ."

"Oh, no you don't. You're not going _anywhere_ until we settle this!" Harm said, gently pulling Maddie to her feet and her hands away from her face. Of course, her eyes were still shut.

Slowly, Maddie opened her eyes to find her clients standing there in front of her—fully clothed—with their arms crossed. She was somewhat relieved at the sight, yet a little disappointed too. But, judging by the looks on their faces, she knew she wasn't quite off the hook yet.

"You seem surprised, Maddie. What did you think you'd find?" Mac asked with a sly smile.

"Uh, well . . . uh," Maddie mumbled, at a loss for words. She was positive she was not only going to pay dearly for locking them in, but also for assuming that some certain activities had occurred between them. No matter what the case, she could feel the flush of embarrassment quickly filling her cheeks.

"I sure she has a good explanation for locking us in here for, uh, how long was it Mac?" Harm asked, hoping the added touch of a furrowed brow would make Maddie squirm just a little.

"Three hours, forty-one minutes," Mac replied without benefit of a watch, trying her best to sound irate.

"Okay—fine! You two win!" Maddie said, exasperated, throwing her hands into the air. "You want to know why I locked you in here? Fine—I'll tell you! You two didn't need a counselor—you needed an intervention from good 'ol Mother Nature! I knew that from day ONE!"

Harm and Mac, shocked at Maddie's disclosure, didn't dare interrupt her rant lest she hold them hostage again. Instead, they had exchanged a little smirk or two, knowing how right Maddie was.

The frazzled counselor took a deep breath before continuing her rambling, albeit more coherently. "For as intelligent as you people are, you can't see past your insecurities—you couldn't see what was right in front of you . . . the love of a best friend . . . the love of a soul-mate," Maddie said, bringing her hands to her heart for dramatic emphasis. "I had hoped that keeping you in this room together would make you two recognize that."

"And if that didn't work," Harm asked, finally daring to interrupt her.

"Then . . . well . . . I really don't know. I didn't plan for anything beyond locking _that_ _door_," Maddie sighed, motioning to the other room. Judging by this inquisition, and an overwhelming feeling of defeat, she wondered if it all had backfired—the counseling, locking them in—everything. At this stage of the game, I'm just too exhausted to fight anymore, she thought.

Sensing her disappointment, Mac walked over to Maddie and put her hand on her arm, saying with a smile, "Then, consider yourself one lucky woman."

Shocked, Maddie looked at Harm then Mac and back again. She blinked disbelievingly. Nothing Mac said was registering. The only coherent word she could utter was, "Huh?"

"Maddie, you're either crazy or brilliant," Harm said, and then added, "Judging by how your, uh, experiment turned out, my bet's on brilliant."

Bringing her hands to her mouth, Maddie stifled a scream—or at least tried to. "Does that mean what I think it means? It WORKED?"

The couple nodded their acknowledgment as Maddie immediately punched the air with jubilation, shouting "YES!" and then watched as she did more than just a little happy dance.

Harm came up behind Mac and wrapped his arms around her waist, nuzzling her neck saying "Does that mean we're cured?"

"I think so, but Maddie could use a little time on the couch, don't you think?" Mac replied with a smile, relishing the warmth of Harm's arms around her.

_**end flashback**_

(Present day—Maddie's POV)

That day had to be one of _the_ happiest days of my life. Once I extracted myself from cloud 9, the three of us actually had an intelligent discussion of the day's events over a late lunch. They both agreed that being locked together in my office was one of the best things to happen to them. It gave them the opportunity they needed to confront their feelings without running from them.

However, they never did divulge any "specific details" of their confinement—not that I had asked. Some things are just meant to be confidential. Of course, Zoloft wasn't about give up any particulars either, even with a bribe of his favorite treats.

In the subsequent weeks, Harm and Mac continued their counseling with me. But our sessions had become less formal and more like old friends enjoying good conversation. The fact that it was about their relationship—past and present—was inconsequential. In that one afternoon together, they managed to accomplish more than most couples do in years of therapy.

Despite all their misunderstandings and their inability to communicate over the years, their love for each other had always been paramount. It's what brings us all together for this moment—to watch Harm and Mac seal their bond and their love with the exchange of gold bands and promises. All they needed was just a little nudge from me.

Three weeks later  
Maddie's office

As I get comfortable in my old leather chair, I can't help but wonder what I've gotten myself into, yet again. Looking across the office at the couple seated before me, I have an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. I tried, vehemently, to convince them that they didn't need to be here and that I'd rather not do this, especially knowing them as well as I do. But they insisted and I, of course, relented. I'm a romantic, remember?

Their open file is laid across my lap and my pencil is poised in hand. Please, God, give me the strength to get through this.

"So . . . AJ . . . Meredith . . . tell me what brings you here today."

Before AJ could even begin to voice the displeasure written on his face, Meredith is pulling a notepad from her purse and flipping it open to the first page.

"Well, Maddie, I hope you don't mind, but I've made a few notes . . ."

fin


End file.
